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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalamity:

Things are really very good for us. At one point I just said to myself, "Really, there is NOTHING he can do to 'make up' for this, so let's just put it behind us and move forward." That single change in my attitude has done more for our recovery than anything!

great attitude....and what he is doing NOW is a big factor...who he is now to you and to your relationship


and welcome back

(((tribe)))

we are one awesome group of peeps btw..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

V

if he doesn't keep up NC, then I know we need to go our separate ways.

I hate promoting this sort of action but honey you are worth more. You are a loving FAITHFUL woman who deserves the same from her man. Big HUGS

and what miracle said

we are not here to judge but to lend support in any way shape and form


and what UK said

If you haven’t already, I’d also recommend opening a bank account in your name and sticking some money away. That made me feel loads better when I did it. Kind of settled inside, knowing I was already ahead in the game.

You need to look after YOU!

Nell

Oh, and EMDR is going really well. Surprisingly well, actually. It touches me more than I logically conclude that it should.

Isn't it weird? I mean I find it quite spooky that I was influenced by it so much. I still shed tears and get angry but the rages and sobbing fits have gone. Certainly makes for a calmer day

Uk

I LOVVVED your take on the sex thing.

you not giving signals

having sex whenever they were with the OP, but that was not a relationship

opportunity, availability and inclination

could have been rumbled at any time and that added to the heightened desire

OW didn’t need to give off those subtle signals – being available was her JOB.

bitchface

Can't believe it! That's what I call OW3 - ALL the time!!!

he can’t/won’t perform, that’s a diff issue. Is that the case?

No. He's quite capable!!!

So much of what you said makes sense. And he ALWAYS makes me a cup of tea after

Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Allgood

UKGirl - yes - there's a lot of crazy out there. I will be careful

Yes honey. Please do. We love you!!!!!

DP

I know the new job will be great. Cheering you on!!!

Love to all the tribe

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:02 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are really very good for us. At one point I just said to myself, "Really, there is NOTHING he can do to 'make up' for this, so let's just put it behind us and move forward." That single change in my attitude has done more for our recovery than anything!

There is nothing Mr UKg can do. What he did was so monstrous and selfish no amount of recompense is going to make up for it. He did the unforgivable. I can’t forgive him. So what do I do? The trouble is, he is such a good liar and obviously I am so bad at picking up and interpreting behaviour, mannerisms, facial expressions, etc that if he was to be fucking some other bitch, or even back with her, I would never know. Really, I wouldn’t. I just don’t seem to have the tools required to “know” him. I can only go by what he says and nothing more. So, if I don’t trust myself, how the hell can I trust him?

These are the facts that helped him hide his affair:
* Initially, neither wanted to leave their spouse
She was married and so had as much to lose as him if found out
* She lives 80 miles away, min 1½ hrs drive. I know one person who works near where she lives – but the next village. WH didn’t know that. And where she lives is just off the same main N/S motorway as we do.
* She was nothing to do with the rest of his life. No work, friend or school connections. She was not friends with or known to any of his.
* He was/is often away on business. So was her BH. He would book in at a hotel where they were extremely unlikely to encounter anyone they knew. There were many, many different hotels. He probably booked her in as his wife. It was all paid for on expenses.
* Although he stayed at her house when her BH was abroad, she never came to ours. She’s not sociable with her neighbours and her garage is at the back of her house, got to by a lane where people often park. No one would have seen him come or go.
* He used his work phone, never the home lines. In the last couple of years, when he did have itemised billing, it would run to 5 columns on four or five pages. Why would I look and how would I know her number among so many?
* He didn’t tell anyone. No one. Not a single soul. Perhaps God.
* He never changed his behaviour or habits, or buy odd, more fashionable clothes
* Only used the company credit card, not his own. Never bought her presents. And if she bought him any, he didn’t keep them
* Sex became perfunctory for us at times, but I didn't think he didn't love me because at other times, it was good and normal. He never tried anything different or strange with me.

No matter how I examine the facts, it came down to the fact he is such an accomplished liar.

We were talking about my family history over breakfast at the weekend. I mentioned about one who died in the workhouse, she showed on the census twice, so it was probably her home for many years. I said where it was, a town the other side of the motorway to MOW’s. So where was she from? I said G----ton. Where’s that? Near S----sby, where the rest of the family were born. The villages mentioned are getting nearer to hers. And where’s that near? I sighed. S-------ton, where her cousins lived. He looked blank. I said it was the next village to F—ton (her village) – about 3miles away. And mentioned three or four other places around. That man never flickered. Nothing in his hand, face or eye movements. He just said about them moving north of the city to find work in the quarries after machinery had replaced agricultural workers. I stopped the conversation by clearing up. There was no response in any way. No acknowledgment of triggers or the affair or anything. Just nothing. Boxed up and forgotten in the far reaches of his head.

Ignore me - I'm just rambling. Wondering WTF I'm doing still with this man. Maybe I'm his path of least regret. Least effort, anyway.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning/evening Laura!

If he's capable - use it!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

He's keen tonight Just asked me!

Yep. I get the "accomplished liar" thing. My FWH was too.

It makes me feel a little dumb to be honest. I have a university education (he left school at 15). Today I ran a school of 650 souls - he's a shit kicker for nurses (he liked to fuck) - and yet he fooled me for most of our married life.

Dumb? Naive? Too trusting?

Don't know.

But I CAN relate.

I just reread your profile and realised what triggers we are for each other. You may remember what I told you about me in a pm. OW3 (his LOOOOOVE) is from the UK - been here since 1986 and visits her daughter in Coventry often. Actually I busted him when her daughter was in Australia to have her baby. She was born in Australia and I think she wanted dual citizenship for the baby.

Anyway, now I'm the one rambling. But I get what you say about dealing with an accomplished liar. I don't think I could stay if it wasn't for my tech toys. They DO give me security.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:48 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK -- you're right. There is no way in a million years you could have figured that out. I'm amazed you know even now.

Maybe you should trust yourself for that reason? Because you still found out?

Dinner and a movie last night. It was fun for the most part.

So, the other night (Monday) I was watching a rerun of How I Met Your Mother with WH and at the end the redheaded wife comes pulling up in a cab to her husband at the bar they hang out with and has to tell him that his Dad has had a heart attack and is dead. I just started BAWLING. Wh thought I was silly and was laughing because it was "just a show". Which is true -- but the reason it made me cry is that it was a total non-sequitur kick in the gut, just like it would be in real life, but mainly because XH's father died suddenly of a heart attack about 6 months after we got married -- 3 days before XH's 23rd birthday. XFIL was only 57. I had to do that. I answered the call, had to tell my husband to grab his stuff, we didn't know he'd died until we got there. It sucked. It was the beginning of the end of my first marriage. XH had a complete mental breakdown and didn't recover from it for years. And XFIL was more a father to me at the time than my own father. I still think of him all the time. The anniversary of his death is next week. I guess just the timing, etc. But I didn't tell WH any of this. Now, why not?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

Dumb? nieve? Too trusting? Lets toss out the Dumb word. I suppose being too trusting could make one nieve. I just read a little story about trust and some they concluded that you are way more likely to believe a lie that comes from someone you really care about. I thought to myself NO SHIT! Our WS had much to lose if the truth came out so they constantly worked on hiding the truth. We did not think we had anything to worry about so we did not analize every thing that they said and did. When we BS think back and see the red flags we missed we wonder why we did not see them. It is because we were not looking for them. Too trusting!

UKgirl.

My story has many of the same elements as yours. Being a accomplished liar is much easier if there is not much to lie about. When my W came back from out of town I might ask where she had dinner last night. She would tell me where and what her meal was adding in if it was good or bad. Since she did not add anything about being with OM all she was saying was the truth. Since I was too trusting I never asked if she had a dinner date. Then she would have had to lie. She would have lied and I probably would have not noticed but she only had to lie by omission which is much easier because you do not have to say anything.

Deep.

Good news about the job.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP – hey, forgot to say great one on the job! Sounds like you landed a good one there. Hope it turns out to be great. Relax and enjoy the couple of weeks between now and the start.

M33,
Ah. The unexpected and shocking death. I think it was one of the things that sent WH over the edge, looking for more in life than just living it. Wanting to reach out and grab what he could, kwim? One big regret is not calling in on S---e on one of his trips near his house. S--- had come to our wedding and 5yrs later, to the day, H was best man at his wedding. I got a call on my mobile from K----, S---‘s wife, to say he had died. He had a bad asthma attack after mowing the lawns,was taken to hospital where he had a heart attack and died. K--- only had my mobile number, so I called H. I was in Marks and Spencer lingerie dept at the time. Odd the things you remember. He was 46. H was a pallbearer at the funeral. He found it very, very hard. The affair with MOW started the next year.

So I can understand your reaction to the episode. Those shocking and unexpected things that sometimes inserted into sitcoms can be all the more dramatic and shocking because they are supposed to be sitcoms…. Suddenly the light hearted humour and laughter is replaced with the shocked silence. But that’s often real life too, and so the insertion is valid. I think Mr m33 should have been more concerned about why you were crying. Was he concerned?

Maybe you should trust yourself for that reason? Because you still found out?
Nah, didn’t find out. He confessed. MOW had silent called the house three times in one evening, the last one coming up for midnight. I did a 1471 and wrote down the number, stormed into DS#3’s room (he had just turned 18) woke him up, threw the piece of paper on the bed, and ranted at him about his inconsiderate friends ringing at all hours and to get his bloody phone sorted……………… We had just got into bed when WH said he had something to tell me and his voice was strained “I’ve had an affair”. Tsunami. Train on the track. 40-ton truck rounding the bend. Freefall and no parachute. Hammer to the back of the head. And he was already minimising – “had”. No, as it turned out. Having. Small but vital difference.

So if he hadn’t blurted out his confession, I would not have known. And if she hadn’t got drunk and phoned the house, they could still be carrying on with their cosy little arrangement. Fuckwit. Arrogant, lying fuckwit.

Dip – fuckwit fWH said once that he didn’t really consider he was lying to me. He was lying by omission, which wasn’t really lying. He wasn’t lying b/c I never asked if he was having an affair…….. Huh? And yes, he followed a rule of telling half truths. He would be at the hotel he said he was at, he just didn’t mention MOW. And MOW’s house became a small “hotel” at the nearest town to her house. He went to play “golf” at the course nearest to her house. He just tagged on a couple of days, letting me think it was a weekend deal instead of just a round. That sort of thing. Easier to be consistent, to keep track of the lies and to hide his affair. He really was very, very good. I wonder if he ended up believing his own lies. He has certainly rewritten our history several times to the point where he relates a story, making it his own when it was my experience………..

I’m done for the day. Hugs.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl-
So sorry that you are still in such pain.
It does take such a long time to get anywhere near acceptance doesn't it?
I'm getting there. But, even after 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day I can still trigger.

What our FWS did was so awful and so deceitful it is very very difficult for them to make amends for it.

I do believe my husband when he says that in his case (and many WS say this) the LTA became a routine.
That's how they were able to keep up the lies etc.
It became what they did with the OP at a certain time, place etc.

And..that question about love..etc.
Well if they truly had these over the top feelings for the OP they would have left the marriage and would have chosen the OP full time....
but they didn't.

It was an arrangement.

ANd Dip is right...my husband would lie by omission.
The vast majority of the LTA happened at work functions-conferences, business trips etc. even the BJs in the parking lots happened when other co-workers where in the bar having after work drinks.
So..he wouldn't have to lie about everything that he did or what he ate or who he saw...he would just omit the fact that the OW was there.

UK- is your husband treating you well now? is he being 100% transparent? does he seem very motivated about recocniling? is he very remorseful?
IMHO those qualities are what the FWS has to display in order for reconciliation to be possible.

My FWH is exhibiting all of those so...eventhough it is still hard much of the time to accept what happened... I'm getting better at it.
Like Kalamity- my mantra has been -"That was then..this is now."

I am trying to stay in the present and appreciating what we have now.
And yes..does it make me angry at times when I realize that if he ahd gotten on board with his sobriety and attitude years ago...we could have been enjoying a really quality marriage instead of all the years of grief that we went through both before the LTA, during those horrible LTA years and now the 4 yrs post.

But... I comfort myself by saying that eventhough our past was not always a fairy tale... our marriage now is very solid.

And I guess its never too late to live happily ever after.

But, you're right UKgirl.We need to finally let go of the past.
And that is only possible if out FWS is 100% on board with being the best spouse they can be now... post d-day.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i love the mantra that was then and this is now...it applies to us as well you know...

then i trusted, now i dont
then i loved, now i choose not to
then i chose to believe, now i dont...


as for all those lies...well pfm was right up there with the best of them...he should have been an actor, he would win oscar after oscar for his perfomances...lying is a way of life for him...notice i said 'is' and not 'was'....

on a positive note...i am enrolled in school, i start on the 7th of sept...next week i see the financial aid person and the week after that i have orientation...so i am really doing this and i have mixed feelings about it...i feel very indepenent and i feel very resentful that im doing this because i have to as opposed to wanting to....and of course he doesnt get it, when i asked him the other day for the tax return he wanted to know why...when i told him because i have to do what i have to do, on cue (pfm) "i want to stay married to you"

well blow me fucking down....the words matter not...the actions speak for themselves..period...and i told him that i will not be married to a liar.....almost tried to do the "i am a changed man"...but stopped him reminding him of his new friend...

not to mention that he lies about anything and everything...

i also told him that he is creeping me out with the copying thing...he doesnt get that one either...

it is what it is til i make it what it can become....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All - 2 years out from 1st DD and WH and I completed alcohol rehab a couple months ago, both have remained sober, attend AA meetings etc. We are living together again and trying to work on our marriage. It is so hard. WH says he will do anything to solidify our relationship and I believe him. The last couple days I have called him out on 2 things that I feel he has done to show me disrespect. The 1st - making a flippant remark when I was reading him an article that I thought was very relevant to me and how I have felt for the last 10 years (he apologized) and today when he picked me up 20 minutes late for lunch. I was taking 2 classes for work and only had 1 hour for lunch. I told him that it was disrespectful of my time and of me. I realize, and he admits now, that over his long term (11 years) affairs that I have given and given and he has taken and taken (this was well hidden by him) and did not treat me with respect. I no longer respect him. I use to think, as did everyone else, that he was a good ethical businessman. I don't even think that anymore and am starting to feel nothing for him. Is this normal? How do we deal with this? Thanks to all.


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome back sadallthetime...


glad to hear reconcilliation is going well, except for the feeling nothing....i know thats a conundrum....

i wish i could answer your question, but since i am not in r, i dont think i would be fair to answer this one...

congratulations on being sober to both of you!!! that is wonderful...


miracle update:

well pfm comes home and asks me about the school i went to today, i respond that i enrolled...the look on his face was not happy...the next question was how much...well when i told him how much he went nuts and turned back into the ugly man he used to be the one who was emotionally and verbally abusive....in the start of the argument which he dubbed a discussion,...(i hate that, he always calls them discussions)...i engaged and answered his questions, not nicely but answered until he got carried away...the idiot tells me why do i have to go to school and pay all this money....my son was in the next room but i didnt keep my mouth shut...so i said:"well, if it bothers you so much sign a post nup giving me maintenance and i won't go"...of course he said no to that...less then 5 minutes later i was out the door


when i got home from the gym, he asked to speak to me quietly and calmly...he apologized for his behavior telling me he will support me in anything i want to do, including with the money...then proceeded to admit that he never should have lashed out, he did so out of fear....hearing i was going to school was adding another step making it more final....

i told him i appreciated the apology, i realized the same thing when i was working out..told him good for him for seeing through to himself to his fear...and...i let it go and walked away...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - good for you!

I just wanted to share with you my latest online adventure. I'm making my way through all the freaks & weirdos and there may not be anyone left standing at the end of the day.
It is THAT bad.
And I am NOT picky. I mean, I did have some beliefs early on that I might find someone that I find physically attractive, but I've since shifted to the "it's what's on the inside" mentality.

The latest seemed like minded & we had some nice email exchanges. He was very honest about his sitch at home from the get-go (that he is still living with his wife "for the kids"), but he then went on to tell me a whole bunch of other stuff & long story short, I think he's still in love with his wife, but she's clearly moved on, so now he wants to do the same.
Ugh.
Seriously?

So, I offer this to all who might believe that going back to dating might be a good thing, lol.

Ok, good night all. My brain hurts now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Tribe, I am sorry to say that my FWH and I have agreed to a D. The only thing more unbelievable to me than being D is being D because my H cheated on me. I have fought as hard as I can but I just don't have the energy any more. I made the decision to tell FWH that I wanted to D. No one made me do it, it wasn't a decision made in anger but sadness. I have looked at this situation from every way possible and the 4+ years of LTA are just more than I can live with. I will always love FWH but I can't/won't be M to him. I told him that it's his bad luck that he's married to someone that can't get over his LTA and it's my bad luck to be married to someone that had a LTA. All the kids now know and DS17 took it very hard. He's better today but today has been filled with phone calls from family/friends all offered support but also wondering what happened to the "perfect" couple. Most don't have any idea about the LTA and frankly it's exhausting to have to try and explain it all AND try and have some energy left over to talk with my kids.

I am drained. I don't doubt the decision at all, I'm just sad that this is the turn that my life has taken. FWH was/is a wreck. I truly feel bad for him. We tried to reassure the kids that we plan to be their parents together...we hope to dance together at DD's wedding and hopefully will be able to hold hands at DS's high school graduation next year. Despite our problems as a couple we have raised three remarkable human beings and they deserve to be left out of the mess. Honestly, I don't have a lot of anger right now...just so much sadness.

I'm not planning on leaving this forum anytime soon. The wisdom, guidance and support I've received here have sustained me through some pretty dark times. I can't thank you enough.

I'm heading for bed....I'm wiped out and tomorrow will be another long day. I'll try to post more tomorrow but suffice it to say it will be a tearjerker.

Hugs to all,
Strongish


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Strong)))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Satt

am starting to feel nothing for him. Is this normal? How do we deal with this? Thanks to all

Hi honey. Wish I had an answer. I too feel this at times. But I don't want to waste time in R so during those moments when I do feel affection for him, when I really care about him I try to seize onto them and make them grow. I haven't expressed that well but can't think of another way to put it. The trouble is that when they revert to the selfish FTs who orchestrated this mess (as your FWH did) it tends to make it harder to care. I just don't know honey. I guess that's what they mean by saying R and healing is so much hard work.

Miracle

told him good for him for seeing through to himself to his fear.

I know I shouldn't but sometimes I feel a little sorry for pfm. He's like a stupid child who continually acts without thinking and then doesn't know how to deal with the consequences. Problem is the consequences always seem to hit you and he just doesn't see far enough into the future to realise that the long term consequences will be far more serious for him.

Silly man.

Allgood

Patience honey. Patience. You need to take time. I know you have had some disappointments but there IS a man out there for you. I just know it.

Strong

The only thing more unbelievable to me than being D is being D because my H cheated on me.

Oh honey. I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. There are no words to give you that will help I know. I just wish there were.

I so respect you for this. You are staying true to yourself. Like me you are at about 14 months and I know you have tried so hard.

I'm not planning on leaving this forum anytime soon.

Please don't. I couldn't stand it. I have saved that lovely photo of you and your family and I think of you often. If you left us I feel we would have lost such a dear friend. You will always be part of the tribe as will all those I have met this last year or so. Please stay. You and allgood are family regardless of your marital situation.

Besides, the thread is not titled LTA in R or LTA in limbo, LTA JFO, it's just LTA so you will always belong here.

Special hugs to you

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sad... I'll bust out the ole... Feelings are what they are.
After infidelity, I would say everyone betrayed had feelings change. Those feelings you had for your H of proudest, dynamic, secure, touched, or whatever are replace with feelings like… weary, reserved, timid. And on top of that, things I once overlooked, I don’t now. I see the ugly.

You miss those old feelings. I wish I had some of my “innocence” type feelings back but I know they are gone forever. I know that when my W and I share our true feelings, I can feel some of those old feelings come back.

It is ok to accept you H was not a good man. My W was not a good woman. She just was not. I wish I could change it but I cannot. I think she is a good W now. She has been treating me with some ugly words recently. I stay strong on my boundaries and tell her that when she tells me those things, I FEEL….

Here is how to describe feelings again…

Iwant... Make an "A"

Strong... Life is full of choices. You made one you beleive will bring you peace. Good for you.

allgood... "Never run after a bus or a man. There will always be another one.”


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: I am so so sorry. I am confident that you made this decision after careful reflection and that this is what's best for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

((Strongish))

Tryn: Love the quote - but damn you jacked up this page with that chart! Lol.

Ok, peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even think that anymore and am starting to feel nothing for him. Is this normal? How do we deal with this?
If you are into the second year, yes this is normal for a lot in LTA. It could be the plain of lethal flatness, which you may have experienced before. It can be quite a pleasant place to be, feeling nothing, detachment, safe. But, as the phrase suggests, it can be lethal if you stay there too long. If you have been there a while, think about IC and examining your reasons for feeling like this and what you can do to lift away from it.

Strongish,
that is so sad. My heart goes out to you but it is understandable why you feel this way. Sometimes the betrayal is too much and love is not enough on its own to stay married. You have given it your best shot and this is your decision. But be aware that things will change over time. Your stbxh may now go through the same gamut of emotions as you have – the same stages of grief. Some of it may not be easy. Some IC might help you through this. And we will always be here for you. Big hugs hon. (((((strongish)))))

Allgood –

"Never run after a bus or a man. There will always be another one.”
And you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!

And..that question about love..etc.
Well if they truly had these over the top feelings for the OP they would have left the marriage and would have chosen the OP full time....
but they didn't.

Well, that’s another thing. Yes, they agreed (apparently) for it to be an affair and they agreed that neither wanted to leave their spouses (apparently). When it began, her kids were in FT education, one at uni and two (twins) at school. Privately funded education. And she wanted them to finish their education. D-day was a matter of weeks after the uni graduations when – hey! They didn’t need her BH’s income and she knew that her children were not going to have their futures affected by their parents splitting up. WH had asked her to marry him. Several times. The time was right for him to leave (of course she didn’t give a fuck about my kids) and she was pushing hard. I don’t know exactly what the arrangements were supposed to be, but WH had purchased a cheap flight two weeks before to which he gave his usual “I don’t know/remember” to when challanged. I have concluded that the summer break was when it was supposed to happen. But he changed his mind. While I was still reeling listening to his original confession, he said “I’ve realised it’s you I love” Hmm.

And he did love her. She did love him. Passionately and completely. If I had turned my back on him and thrown him out, he would have gone to her and we would be divorced and he would be married to her. I am absolutely certain of that. Being on his own would not be an option for him. And, btw, he had no issues to use as an excuse, like drink. None. Yeh, his mother had an affair, but that only came out some time after d-day.

UK- is your husband treating you well now? is he being 100% transparent? does he seem very motivated about recocniling? is he very remorseful?
Yes, yes, yes and yes. But he never treated me badly during the affair. He could be short tempered, but otherwise…. normal, but I did feel a loss of emotional intimacy and lack of support but never on a continual basis. He appeared to be transparent during the affair. He even had me help go through a paper blitz when he was going to court with his employers – copies of all his receipts for 7yrs. How’s that for transparent? He says he wants to stay with me, but there again during the affair he would still say he loved me and that the best thing he ever did was marry me….. He is remorseful because he knows things will never be as they were, whatever he does or however much he tries.

Miracle,
I’m glad pfm apologised but it would have been better if he had thought about his response before he asked the question. But then, that’s pfm and no less that what you expect.

i love the mantra that was then and this is now...it applies to us as well you know...
then i trusted, now i dont
then i loved, now i choose not to
then i chose to believe, now i dont...
I like this take on that was then, this is now. I got sick of hearing that from both MC and fWH. I’ll borrow that, if you don’t mind!

And I got the courses available at college. Enrolment starts next week for Sept! Yay!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted a thread in Off Topic about this weekend. Any response would be appreciated. I'm just so mad I can't think straight. And given myself a headache.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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