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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

RE FLIRTING

Before dday I never looked at other men.

It's really quite funny. I now wonder if I was "missing" signals. I am not bad for my age so surely someone was sending them

The last time I flirted was in high school. I just never felt the need. I suppose married meant married to me.

Anyway, after dday I started to think about what it would be like to be single again. I started to wonder how I would go about starting another relationship and trying to work out what type I would find attractive. Where would I meet someone? Who would find me attractive? I needed to know if anyone would?????

So I began to check out men I thought might be interested. (Just in the street, the supermarket or gas stations). I only looked at men about the right age. Unfortunately I sometimes found my eyes meeting men who had women with them.

Some of these looked straight through me.

Others met my gaze. And I saw something I didn't like.

I found I became really angry. Those with women with them made my skin crawl. I thought "You slimy, weak, cheating F%$#** POS, how DARE YOU?????

Those who looked through me. I didn't give another thought to.

Those who met my gaze who were alone - I thought- Hmmm.

Was I thinking of cheating? NO.

Anyway, just some thoughts on a Sunday night

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NJ

Yes I saw it soon after dday. there may be a link to it somewhere on SI.

I love it!!!

BTW

Why are you up so late? Are you OK??

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest,

I think a burning ceremony was a good suggestion for the scarves. Before the burning the may be useful cleaning up the toilet, checking oil in the car, polishing shoes, or on a broom to get those hard to reach spider webs.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: flirting.
I join the consensus. I had a definitive "keep away" aura going on, even as I was still dating my x & throughout our marriage. Post DDay, different story. I definitely noticed other men & flirted some. I think it's only natural to seek some reassurance from people that we are still attractive, both from a physical & personality viewpoint. Reassurance from people that have no idea the battering our egos have taken are best suited for this purpose, as the reassurances of people that know can be dismissed as blind support.

Anyhoo.

Honest: As to the scarves. Next time you have to mail something to ws why don't you use one of the scarves as tissue paper? If I had a little more time I could think of something better but the little ones are driving me nuts. But, in all honesty, it's best not to respond, donate them & if/when ws ever mentions it tell him you gave them away without explanation.

The suit? I missed this. But, why are you doing any shopping for him? Even if it was for his sisters?

Ok got to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a burning ceremony was a good suggestion for the scarves. Before the burning the may be useful cleaning up the toilet, checking oil in the car, polishing shoes, or on a broom to get those hard to reach spider webs.

Ats, lol!!
I guess laughter is the best medicine!

Thank you Laura, NJ and Allgood. I needed backup to keep detaching and NOT respond. The first thing I wanted to do was call him out on this, but you are right, no response and just detach. I was going to burn them, but the DS's were watching, lol, when I went outside to throw them away, DS 16 said "are you going to burn them?" I actually shred and tore them....good catharsis.

Allgood: The suits happened many years ago when we were still spending the school year overseas and I came here with the kids for the summers. We saw his sisters a lot and they were always very good to me. They welcomed me with open arms and I really care about them. They bought me gifts, and were so warm and loving. This is another loss with all this. Matter of fact, one sister and her family don't even talk to WH anymore because of all this. So, one year, WH asked me to buy dress suits for his sisters, which I did happily. I spent a lot of time choosing colors that I thought each would like and was hoping they would like it. I was confused and upset when they didn't thank me when I got back overseas. They always were so happy and grateful for any little gift I got them.

I found out after DDay from a few sources that those suits were for OW. WH also had me go with him once before dday to buy clothes for his "nieces babies". I thought he was so thoughtful. He kept going on how they were struggling financially, etc. Turns out the clothes were for the OC's( again I found out about this after DDay)

I am not the type to keep tabs on people...what they did wrong etc. But IC wanted me to make a list, so I am working on it. Finally.

What a flamiing asshole he is. I don't think I want to even refer to him as "WH' or even stbxWH because he doesn't deserve either title. I'll just call him NPD.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- Thanks for worrying about me....actually I am ok.I am vacationing in your part of the world-well..the same direction at least- Hawaii.
My husband has whisked me away for a romantic getaway.
and I check in on when I have a few minutes.
That's where I am in my recovery...still need to check in on you guys.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Wow, Hawaii!! That's great!! I hope you have a wonderful time. Mr. NJ has really come up to the plate! You deserve this.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go NJ.

Ats - as a runner my cycling cadence is pathetic at the moment & Im so saddle sore
Plan is twice a week on the blike & build up to some good long distance rides. Once Im back in the pool it will be 2 training sessions a day (run & swim) with maybe some weight training (Ive noticed a difference in my arms & abs already) Sorry ladies no pics

Re Flirting - hadnt even thought about this but food for thought - might try it deliberatly in front of WW to piss her off
who am I kidding I was never really any good at it.

Take care tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: damn i wish you would have used those damned things to pick up some dog shit before throwing them away....it would have been so fitting...pooper scoopers....damn fine pooper scoopers...

and npd....you really do want to take that all important high road, i give you lots and lots of credit on that one...i personally think he could and should be referred to as fuckwit, mr fuckwit if you would like to make it formal...

thanks guys on your takes on the flirting thing...its incredible....when you really dont have that mindset prior to d-day its just not within our normal realm of thinking....not even a spec....now of course the rules are all changed and we are different..


njgal...enjoy your trip...


the miracles will be going away the end of next week....not sure if i will be able to come here...i will definitely have some withdrawal if i cant..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. I was never a big flirter. Have a great trip.

Hope all are well... Peace


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i ask, because who i was before,...i would flirt and not think twice

Miracle, count me in your group. My H has always been very stingy with attention and when I would get the attention from other men, I would eat it up. I especially ate it up when I would get the attention in front of my H. I tried so hard to make him jealous (pathetic I know) because he seemed to take me for granted. His cousin was always flirting with me and he was SOOOOOO hot and believe me I WAS tempted.
After d-day the one thing that still nags at me is wondering whether or not my H took this flirting as some kind of "free ticket" for himself. Even though I never took it to the limit maybe in his mind he justified what he was doing.
Now, after d-day, I'm like the rest of the group who never even thinks of it because I see it as the slippery slope and not healthy for a good relationship. The weird thing is even as recently as last week my H made a comment about his cousin to me which made me realize that it must have bothered him more than he ever let on.
Honest - Your H truly is "Mr. Fuckwit" as Miracle has said. Seriously, I know this must have been very hurtful but you really seem to be making a turnaround in your attitude and I think this action by him might actually escalate your ability to completely detach.
My H also had me buy gifts for the OW. Of course at the time I didn't know she was the OW - just thought she was "our" friend and when he would ask me to pick up a gift for her I would gladly do it. The absolute gall and balls to have us do that is infuriating and to this day I can still get very angry over this.
My birthday was this weekend. I got a card - talk about fuckwits! It was a beautiful card but that was it. So, I took myself out for a full body massage and planned a birthday picnic with my family and my sister's family. It was a nice weekend but he lost a few more points in my book.

Allgood - you sound so strong. Your kids are so lucky to have such an amazing mom.

Miracle - have a great vacation. We'll miss you.

NJGirl - Hawaii - I love Hawaii - To me, it is heaven on earth. Enjoy!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting results on the flirting question. Either people did flirt prior to dday, and do not now, or did not prior to dday, and do now. No responses that flirted before and after, and only Tryn who just doesn't flirt (but having read his posts I find that hard to believe).

I am making progress with my ducks. My large aquarium is torn down and ready to list for sale. I got the boat listed for sale. It is an awful market to sell into, but I priced it fair and we will see what happens. Not owning it will save a few hundred a month in stroage and maintenance. FWW's half of proceeds from the boat should be enough to buy a reliable used car. The one she is driving now is beat. With my salary I think I can just barely afford to pay for the house and expenses for DS15 and I if FWW agrees to a D with no support. Some more of the boat sale money should get DS18 through the last 2 years of college. If FWW asks for support, or any money, then we will both go bankrupt. Her job hunt is not going well, and while at her Dad's a couple of weeks ago she did too much lifting and her prolapse is back. She is scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks.

Her DD's wedding has gone from not enough slots available for everyone to attend who might want to, to people being asked to bring friends. My DS18 was the latest to cancel as he has a band event at school that day and will loose his position if he is not there. Bride and grooms friends are not coming for the most part as it would be airfare and a couple nights hotel for them to do so. It looks like guests will be FWW and DS15, FWW's younger DD and her BF, FWW's xH and his wife, FWW's xH's MIL, FIL, and some of the IL's friends. I will be at a party with a BBQ on that day.

FWW is more and more depressed over job loss, wedding, our relationship, getting old, etc. We talk less and are doing less well than before we started back to MC 6 weeks ago. I am torn with feelings of wanting to try and rescue her, but that has not worked so well in the past.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:25 AM, August 15th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal: What a great vacation! Enjoy it!

Forgive - I hear ya. Some of the things they did during the A is just so hard to forgive, understand, etc. At a moment's notice I can recall a number of things that still leave me shaking my head in disbelief and/or angry.

Ats: I agree Tryn is full of crap with the claim that he is not a flirt. Lol. I'm trying to take the high road about your stepdaughter's wedding, because I hate to see such a special day ruined, but, the irony of the situation is not lost on me...
Glad to see your ducks are lining up.

As for me: No, I'm not all that strong. Since I've been dabbling in the whole online dating thing & it gets closer to the point where I have to confront why I'm not acting on certain things, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the x, etc. Tried talking to him last night. He acknowledges missing me and still having feelings for me, but since we still see each other so much, he guesses that's why it's not "that bad", tho he acknowledges this is bound to change (meaning the level of contact) in the future. He left the conversation non-committal as usual with broad vague meaningless statements like "We'll see what happens". He still hasn't told his family yet, preferring instead to just leave people wondering why I'm not at family events. He says he will at least tell his mother next week.
(If he doesn't, then I'm doing it.)

I continued the conversation this morning & just pointed out that if you want a result it doesn't just miraculously happen, you have to do something about it. Long story short, he just doesn't have what it takes. I told him I wasn't having these kind of conversations again as it makes me feel foolish & gets me upset.
He will be here for the bulk of the day visiting the kids. I will have to make myself scarce.

Ok. Got to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I watched Burlesque with Cher and this song came on. I couldn't help but think of all of us on here (even though some of the lyrics apply to the theme of the movie). I'll post the link too but here are the lyrics to this song:

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

It's so obvious to me that so many of us have an inner strength. How could we have gotten through the mess we've found ourselves in without that strength??
Even during those times that we are feeling weak, it is that inner strength that pulls us through and gives us the hope that we will survive and find our inner joy.

Allgood - your H is such a fool. I know I've said this before but reading your post today just makes me wish I could shake him free of his defeatist attitude.

ATS - hugs to you too. You are going through some tough times and I can see your resolve weakening (at least that's how I'm reading it ) but you too are strong and hopefully a clear path will show itself to you soon.

DP hasn't yet posted his quote of the day so I thought I'd start with one that I have always felt strongly about:
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back they're yours.
If they don't they never were."


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40GhKONnsvA&feature=fvst

Even if you're not a Cher fan this is a great song.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep: Way to go with the exercising!! No pics? Keep up the good work! I'm so glad things are going better with you.

Miracle: Lol pooper scoopers!! I loved all the suggestions. I didn't want to keep those scarves around. I didn't want to be touching them and smelling the perfume on them. It's better that they are gone. (the garbage pick up was today!) I hope you have a good time on your vacation, Miracle. We will miss you.

FNF: Thanks for sharing that song. It's really inspirational.
I'm sorry that your WH had you buy those gifts. It hurts so damn much when we realize the truth of the situation. How dare they? What the hell is wrong with them? It's the total lack of respect and just being treated as an object that hurts so much. We made them a priority in our lives where we were just an option.

Ats: You've come to a hard place and we are here for you. Not only have you come to point in making a decision about your M, but the financial situation is making the whole thing harder to deal with.

DO NOT RESCUE HER AGAIN!!!!

This is tough love time. You cannot enable her any longer. You have to save yourself first, you know that. Put on your own air mask first!!! I'm so sorry about selling your boat. I know how much you love it. Damn.

Allgood: Keep in mind that it's going to be hard to detach because there you are seeing WH because of the kids. You are also at a point that you still want to make some sense of all this horrible situation. You are no longer going to be able to get the answers from Xwh. This is a very difficult time because you are now in a transition. Any change, whether it's good or bad causes stress, so keep coming here and share. We love you and have your back.

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions re the scarves. It seems petty at first, but it just represents the whole thing to me. Your anger and humor really, really helped me!!! I love you all!!

{{{{tribe}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:41 AM, August 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are also at a point that you still want to make some sense of all this horrible situation.

honest, this line in your post to allgood caught my attention. FWW lost her job about 2 months ago. It was abrupt, and followed a good performance evaluation just 3 months prior. She continues to talk about the loss, and wonders aloud why this or that, if only this or that. I fall back to the advice that you cannot make sense of an irrational behavior. Fact is that the incoming board president, for whatever reason, wanted her gone. There are 3 or 4 possible reasons, but they all come down to it is what this woman wanted.

You cannot make sense of irrational behavior.
This is where I rest with the As. I no longer try to make sense of her behavior. Why did she continue meeting with them when she says she had reached a point where it had become tiresome? Why was sex more frequent and apparently enjoyable with APs than me? Why does what she says now have very little similarity to what she said then? Why could she recover from fights with them, but not me? Why was she not even willing to come in to see my IC in 2007 and help ME work on MY problem, but instead started into a 2+ year A? How could DDs and SIL and BIL all know about this and not say anything to me over years?

You cannot make sense of irrational behavior.
I understand the dynamics. I have read the books, done the IC/MC, read SI, etc. etc. I understand how people say it works, but it does not make sense. It is a bit like the discussions of extra dimensions in space. I get the concept, I understand the words they say, but it does not make sense to me.

This may be our issue now. I understand that she is depressed. I understand her self-concept is wrapped up in her work, and being a Mom, and these are both taking a beating now. She is feeling old. I imagine it is difficult to go through all of this without the adequate coping mechanisms. In the past she would have blamed me, ramped up OM contact, or initiated more flirting, she is not doing that now. This is all pretty stressful on me too, and I think I have good coping mechanisms now. I am working hard at re-gaining control, being present and mindful, exercising, drinking much less.

I would like so much to see a light at the end of the tunnel for us. Hell, even a light to help along the path now. I can see my path, but it ends alone. I was never looking for reasons to leave. Even at dday I was looking for reasons to stay, asking questions in the hope she could explain it away (as she did in 2007).

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:11 AM, August 15th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flirting. Not before or after d-day. Before I was M I probably tried to but I doubt I was any good at it. In my experience most men that are big flirts are just fishing. If a woman flirts back it means that they are interested in the man. If the flirting continues the man will think that he has a good chance of getting laid. When or if the man gets shot down well it is on to the next woman. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I think I just do not want to be that kind of man.

I wish njgal would have invited all of us to go on that trip. I think we would have all had a very good time!

ats.

One of the hardest things to understand about the BPD mind is that to them feelings are facts. This means that there is very little logic involved. What we see as "irrational behavior" is perfectly normal to them.
Damn I hate to see that you are selling the boat. I can't remember the last time I was boatless. They can be a very expensive toy.

Honest.

Scarves sent to the landfill. Good job. That is all the time and energy you needed to spend on those damn things.

Allgood.

Just in case you did not hear me last time. BE PICKY! Please.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - Sorry about the boat - I know it was your escape; your safe place so to speak.

You've carried this marriage on your own for a long time. I thought I could do it too, but unless they are willing to help carry the load ultimately it will fail.We will never fully understand them. I believe I know the reasons WW started the A but to fully understand it - I dont think she knows herself.

How is your job hunt going?

FNF - thanks for the quote - I just havent turned over to an appropriate quote of late.

Honest - Without the training I would be in GAGA Land. It keeps me sane - really I have so much anger all for OM - I struggle to contain it. Ive moved from baseball bats to axe handles.
For the first time in my life Ive realised that I am capable of physically hurting someone & not giving a fucking damn - that scares me that Ive reached this point.There is a difference between thinking & doing but I can understand how in the heat of the moment it can get terribly out of control.
This is appropriate
"Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed"

Trying - as flirt your name says it all.

Allgood - I will reinforce what Dip said & add "be careful".

Hugs to all the tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe, haven't posted in a while. I am feeling a little foolish that I have given wh another chance. I found out he was still having an ea with mow while I was visiting him. We live separately due to the fact I moved to take care of my parents and a good job. The ea/pa turned ea has continued for 5 years...

I var'd his workplace and heard him on the phone with her. I tried to confront while I was there and he gaslighted and we were interupted due to his work. I almost saw a lawyer but was so ill while I was there that I didn't. I came home and confronted him on the phone after a week.

He initally gaslighted again. I told him the conversation I heard, but not how. He admitted to continued phone contact and only meeting at her work. I told him I was considering talking to a lawyer. He said he wanted the marriage, I said your words and actions do not show that. He said he is going to counselling, will go nc and prove it to me. He loves me etc. He said he thinks he has low self esteem, is co-dependent and gets built up from the attention. He wants the attention from me, but I don't give him enough and he knows I have pulled away due to mow. Go figure.

Today he called her and apparently told her no personal contact. She said okay, he said that even though they had not been inappropriate, getting emotional intimacy was wrong outside his marriage and he wanted to focus on his marriage. He has told her this before. He has told me this before. I asked him what was different this time and he had no answer.

Time will tell, and I find myself sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop...it always has and what is different this time? Feeling foolish...


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

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