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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle and honest,
Yep, that's why I'm sitting with it. I have IC on Saturday, so that will be good. But, I've got to say, fighting so fucking hard for something that brings me such small comfort seems more and more crazy. And after working at WH until he gave up a few tidbits about how his mind works, I really don't see this getting any better. The communication is not the problem. It won't help if he sits and talks or writes me a nice letter telling me how he does not want someone who is dependent (because that word is bad), but what he wants is someone who will like what he likes and do what he does because that makes him feel like he's good and right and important. (Uh... but you don't want someone who is dependent. Right.) Oh, and also he will do what I like to do, as well. As long as we're doing it together. (And he wants to do it.) The crazy and the faking and the illogic and avoiding is wearing me down and he shows no signs of trying to get better. If he were doing ANYTHING to actually improve things, I would have some hope. But I have none. So, then, what would be worse than living the way I'm living now? The finances would SUCK. Ripping my Boyos' family apart would SUCK. I just don't know if I can do it any longer.

Is how I feel today.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( tribe )))

Ats: perhaps he was equally as shocked to see you waving at him. I hope so any way...can you imagine his thoughts... to see you waving away at him??

mitz: hello though I am sorry you find yourself here.

Strong: I would think your son would only find your emotions that much more endearing to him...that you shared so openly with him.

yep, I miss my " husband" too. And I am tired thinking about it all...and I have always wanted to go to Australia...do they have cruises for shell shocked LTA BS's??

: ) BP



BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...cruises for shell shocked LTA BS's??

I am imagining a cruise where the weight machines are all filled all day long with LTA BS passengers working out their anger, crowds jogging around the ship doing thed same, and not a seat in the bar as the rest of us work through the liquor stock.

Of course the wireless internet connection to SI would be jammed!

So how do we work out the cabin arrangements?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

Since you thought of it, I guess you will be in charge of the cabin arrangements. I'm sure you will do a good job.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All - slow & steady wins the race. As others have said get involved in something you enjoy or want to do - nature ultimately will take its course.

(((Strong)))
(((ATS))) Let the anger go - great thought coming from me

Dip - can you grill on cruise?

(((Nell))) Thinking of you. When youre ready you will know it.

(((Laura))) - Happy Birthday - make the most of today.

(((TRIBE)))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a rare & beautiful thing to be completely understood by another.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím doing my usual skim-reading to try and play catch up, but not doing very well. I think itís time this was posted again. I read it here on SI way back when and, whatever your sitch, I donít think there is anything you can argue against.

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz's code for life

Agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2
Donít take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3
Donít make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement 4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Near enough impossible when you look at some of our WSs, butÖ.. I think itís a case of being true to yourself. And no, You cannot make sense of irrational behavior.

Itís really late here in the UK, so Iím going to bed. fWH is away and all the triggers are in place now that he is back working for the company he was with for a couple of years of the affair. He has the company credit card and just waiting for the PIN, the expense account and I think heís ordered his company car. The instruments which helped hide his affair. Heís had a day when everything seems to have gone wrong, including getting stuck in traffic on the way to his hotel at the airport. One of those days when he would have made himself feel better by texting and chatting to MOWÖ.. I wish I could just let it go.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((UK girl))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I've promised myself I will stay off SI tonight.

I want to enjoy being with my FWH. Just for a while I am going to fight to forget what he did and hopefully enjoy the evening.

The triggers are bad given the fact that for many years he mostly forgot or only paid lip service to my birthday and even spent at least one (that I know of) with an OW.

Tonight I want to try to "forget" it all. I'm giving myself this gift. Just wanted to check in and hug you all.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- Have a wonderful birthday. And do try to focus on today.
I know how hard that can be because those darn triggers have a way of hitting us when we least expect them...
but try my mantra -"That was then..this is now."

Ukgirl- Sorry that you find yourself in a situation where you are having those triggers.
I am lucky in that my FWH left his job just before d-day and has not had any contact with the MOW/co-worker or any of his former toxic co-workers etc.
Everything about our situation has changed post d-day and that has made it easier for me to move forward.
Is there anything that your husband can do to help you feel safer? anyway that he could reassure you? prove that he is where he is supposed to be etc.?

Nell- Just sending some hugs your way.
It's tough when the WS does a lot of blame shifting and pointing fingers. Especially early on in the recovery process.And one year post d-day is relatively early for a LTA. Right now he should be begging and pleading for forgiveness and another chance.....he should be thrilled that you have given him another chance not criticizing.But..that's my opinion.....

Broken- A LTA BS cruise...sounds wonderful.
I actually did go on a BS get together trip recently.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flirting/inappropriate flirting. Never did it. In fact I would use my H as a shield against unwelcome attention. Heavy attention scared me! I have never been confident, and while I would quite like men to look at me, I thought they would think me unattractive, uninteresting or stupid if they spoke to me and found out what I was really like. So I have been averse to flirting or noticing interest. Since d-day, yeh. Did the same as Laura and was really quite shocked. But no 2x4ís for Nell.

Ats, I think you need to detach and look after yourself. You seem to be slipping and itís important to hold on to your own strength and your FWW will have to find her own way for a while. You cannot be there for her all of the time and you cannot make all the effort. Itís too much to ask of yourself. Disconnect yourself from things you cannot control, work on things you can control. Her DDís wedding is not your problem. Your boat is. But Iím sorry itís having to go. I know it has been your therapy to just go and sit in it. As for the OM, itís okay. It means he means nothing. It was a delayed response, not an immediate trigger. Which is good. Yeh, you might feel angry that you did respond by acknowledging him, but yíknow what? It doesnít matter cos he doesnítí matter anymore.

Mitz, sorry you are back here. Itís good that you listened to your guts, but itís rotten that your H was back on that slope. Nope, not foolish at all. Heís the foolish one.

Honest, I donít know what to say. NPD personified. Manipulation is what he is all about. I donít know how you put up with that self centred idiot. I think you should have posted the scarves back to OW and tell her you neither need nor want her cast offs even though she accepted yours. Prat.

ETA to remove my pity party long post and repost below. I went on for too long.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:39 AM, August 18th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I got through a dreaded weekend and Ė even after all this time Ė saw a side of my fWH that threw out a few a-ha moments. This man who was my life before d-day, I was proud of him, I and others respected and admired him, he was a raconteur, wit, sportsman, a magnet for men and women, a charmer, great with young children and the elderly, kind, generous and he was mine. Since d-day, well, that has changed. It has happened so many times when I have seen him in a situation and I seeing him with different eyes and ears. I donít know how to describe it. He moved into a mode of being. Effortlessly slid into this ďpersonĒ. Before, I would have thought it was skilful, now I see it as avoiding conflict and slightly cowardly.

The short back story on BIL weekend is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=420374

fWH appeared to side with his family. But only when he was in their company or talking to them on the phone and not in a nasty way or one that was disrespectful to me at all. He was pleasant and cordial, went out for a beer with his brother and asked me if I wanted to come along Ė um, no thanks. But it was as if he was in another guise or stepped into a role. Acting? I donít know. But then heís not the man I thought he was Ė I never really knew him anyway, so I shouldnít be surprised. It just makes me wonder how much of his life is spent not really being his true self, kwim?

Is there anything that your husband can do to help you feel safer? anyway that he could reassure you? prove that he is where he is supposed to be etc.?
Nope. I just wander into the zone that means he says what he says and it doesnít matter b/c I donít believe him anyway. A kind of state of indifference. In 2004, he had been paid off on one job and spent 8mths working on our business. That was the time he didnít see MOW much Ė he couldnít do overnighters or travel very far and I think that was a source of frustration for her. She and her BH were supposed to be moving to France, but that didnít come off. WH got the job in the July and things immediately began to spiral, so much so, I wrote a letter to WH telling him how I felt. A golden opportunity to tell me and he didnít take it. Our M was falling apart and his answer was to be more attentive and take the affair further underground. Once he got all the accompaniments to the job, he was fully back into the affair. Being an employee made things easier. Really, he had it made. And all this just makes me wonder if he would do it again. Although who he works for is irrelevant, so my triggering and state of mind is illogical.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, thanks for your support. He is being very attentive, talking about the future and saying how close he feels to me. I was honest last night and told him I did not think he knew how angry I was at him. That was like a dash of cold water on his sweetness, but he did say he understood I was not at the same place as he was. He said his loneliness was not grieving the loss of mow.

He is planning to come here in Sept and said he will be honest with me. We will see.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNell - It is hard to fight when your the only one fighting. Even worse when they contradict themselves and don't even realize it.

ats -


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNell - It is hard to fight when your the only one fighting. Even worse when they contradict themselves and don't even realize it.

ats - I'm sure that was a shock for you. Broken is right he is becoming a non person, hopefully one day he really won't matter anymore.

Deep - I would love to have a relationship where my wh and I understood each other. right now I would welcome knowing there are only 2 in the marriage.

UK - interesting points and so hard to follow sometimes. It is sad when our wh's fall off the pedestal. Hope yours can show his authentic self.

Laura - Happy Birthday!!

Have a great day everyone!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy B'day Laura!

I hope you all courage today.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I hope you had a wonderful birthday. Hugs, honey.
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

Happy birthday, or happy belated birthday, or is it early happy birthday? I still get this date line stuff mixed up!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(imagine golden magical voice here)
ahem....Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthdaaaaaay Laura2888888...
happy birthday to you!!!!
(end golden magical voice)

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum....oohh, i gots the same magical voice...but dammit to hell when the batteries die!!

happy birthday laura...may you get your birthday wish for even longer then a day hon...

(((ukgirl))) i wish i could make it all better for you...

i wish i could make it all better for all of us..


mitz...so sept..not far off...i hope you get enough answers to choose your course...either direction


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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