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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am really tired...been a long long day...

anyways...one size does not fit all....

i had/have a wh who is on the face remorseful, cant bend over fast enough, do enough, spend enough......but cant seem to stop lying....and lying....and lying some more......

so even when they show you who they are, they can show 2 faces at the same time...and for the most part they all did....we all believed what they sold til we found out who they were...who they really really were....


ats: i am sorry, yet i sense some peace within you....not happiness but a peace, almost a calm....i hope the feeling of calm remains and that i am not mistaken about it....and remember when it fades or plain out leaves that feeling....no drinking...kkkk

tryn: i get the sense that you need to just verify that all is well...so go for it...and if she catches you just tell her the truth....

allgood: there is nothing wrong with becomming friends with benefits and theres nothing wrong with taking your time to get there either...


ok....need to finish checking email and stuff....we leave really really early tomorrow for our adventure....hopefully there will be no rain...

if i get desperate i know the hotel has internet...so we will see... if not i will be back tues nite....or wed if too tired on tues...so everybody stay safe....love you all and will miss you all....gonna be interesting if i could stay away...


nite all

((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Belated Birthday Laura! I hope you had a wonderful day.

Ats, I'm so sorry. You do have a tone of resignation, but that may be a good thing and you will focus on yourself and let WW work on herself.

Tryn, I agree with the others. I do understand your stance about making a decision to trust, but you still have the feelings of doubt. It's ok to to verify and I think you should.

Miracle: I hope you have a wonderful time while you are away. You deserve a vacation.

UKgirl: I'm sending you long distance hugs. I know what you mean about them just slipping into a guise and we wonder where the real person is and who that person really is.

Allgood: Going through the D is a whole other set of emotions. There is a lot of pain, and grieving and mourning to go through. A lot of change to process, and learning how to do things differently. As for the kids going to xWH's family functions, they will be busy doing kids' stuff and they will be ok. It's just that you will feel the sense of mourning for another loss. Remember, if there is an in-law that you always got along with, you can still stay friends with that person. My ex-SIL still keeps in touch with me because our relationship was beyond just being SILs. KWIM? My mother always kept in touch with my father's aunt for 20+ years after she and my father D.

But, it all still sucks big time.

I do know the feeling of watching my xWH playing with the kids and we start forgetting all the bad stuff. I still do that when I think of xWH, and someone just reminded me recently that I would still be putting up with all his drinking......

It's not just the person we love, but the relationship we have with them. If they don't love us, or we are just an option when they are a priority to us, it is very difficult to stay. It is not only that we are not getting enough love from them, but we are not loving ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be short changed.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank Laura… Yes, trust is a choice. Feelings are feelings. I have feelings and I really believe I am in touch with them. Something you always hear folks say.. “Are you in touch with your feelings”. For about my whole life, I laughed at stuff like that. It was my inexperience and innocence to the ways of the world. Shortly after my dday, I can remember my W saying a few times, “Dave, I am not the person you think I am.” “I am not the girl you married” and stuff like that. Not so sure that is all true. Can you imagine living a life of a lie for 8 years? You have to compartmentalize it just to survive and be sane. But the reality is likely my W has lived a life of lies since being 17. Fact is, my W’s selfishness is the root of her evilness. Can a 47 year old woman change deep rooted selfishness is the question always lingering.

As I look back in time during the time we dated, she told me about her abortion. As a stupid kid, I just didn’t think about what she has done. Knowing that choice, the ultimate sacrifice to put yourself in front of your own child’s life is the ultimate selfishness. Maybe she was fooled by the liberals who want to control population who are very good at saying, it is OK to kill that growth in your body . My choice of who I married today would be so different. For me, I would unselfishness die for my son and daughter. Oh how the ugliness of infidelity brings all of peoples evilness to the surface on dday. At 24, selfish for a few months, at 39, selfish for 8 years. Does it ever really end? That is the huge issue when you cheat. Can you ever really do enough to have your partner "feel" good feelings. I have them most of the time these days. It a 9 of 10. But that very small 1 is still with me. yes, I live with it.

I look back at my own life. About the greatest evilness I have done is to maybe “steal time” and lie to my company, drive drunk a few times, make some horrible words and intentionally kill a couple of birds. No, I deserve a woman like those here on this thread and you deserve someone like me. But life is not always fair. I imagine my W can be exactly like you wonder woman here at times, but long term consistent good behavior is always a fear I guess. So I take a chance at life knowing who I really have, and as long as I am having a good day enjoying what I want to do, it’s all good. To throw the daily feelings I have is not so easy. My memories will always be with me and that is OK. My innocence is gone forever I call it. Maybe it really should be, my hurt will always be with me too.

Allgood… surreal? Not really. I am in a great relationship right now. We had a great time at the Colts game last night. A few beers, fatting foods, seeing our “Colts” friends again and catching up, listening to the pregame band, talking about our week and stuff like that. We came home and had not just sex, but a very romantic ending to the evening. That is not some dream. That was real and all very good feelings. It does not stop those small moments in time with thoughts and feelings I also have in my mind wondering if see the OM at the game, will I have the power within my soul not to punch his face, tackle that old fucker to the ground with endless punches. A brutal fact about violence and anger after someone hurts you. But remember, I almost took a gun to that man. I have seen him once since dday. I turn and walked away. My IC says make a plan. I have one. Turn and walk away. I will do that by my actions. But it does not mean I have feelings that want to do otherwise.

Thanks Iwant and Honest… you both are some wonderful people.

Just not sure I will choose to trust or not. Maybe doing the tracking for just a moment in my life will leave me more at peace. That is my believe. And if she catches me, it is not near as hurtful as cheating. We'll see if she has the ablity to forgive like I have. She once told me, "I am not going to live a life under the fear of being tracked". Well tough shit, life is not always fair is it?

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:07 AM, August 20th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. Tryn’ you are using another word that implies your W is/was out to harm you. Evil. She wasn't. She isn't. If she was evil, you would not still be with her. Okay, she got pregnant at 24 and had an abortion. I assume she talked it over with you and, as you say, what’s done is done. I wouldn’t have thought twice about an abortion when I was a student and possibly up until H and I decided to get married. I was on the pill and took it exactly as prescribed. Duo-pill, mini-pill. If I had got pregnant, I would have had an abortion as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I’ve had (probably) twelve pregnancies and carried to term the four boys. The miscarriages were between 9 and 17wks. I ponder about them from time to time, but they weren’t meant to be. Many woman carry the guilt of an abortion throughout their lives. And it is something they carry alone. There is plenty of support in this country before, during and after an abortion – all NHS provided. I would never think of a woman who has an abortion as evil. She had a choice to make and it’s never one that is taken lightly. I wouldn’t presume to judge her. If anything, she would have my sympathy. If a woman uses abortion as birth control, well let’s just say I wouldn’t think too much of her morals. Just my personal opinion. And no offence intended to anyone pro-life.

I don’t think anything you mention about yourself comes under the category of evil either. No one can be perfect 100% of the time. And think how tiresome that would be anyway. To be married to someone perfect? That’s not good. fWH held me up as a paragon of virtue and all that happened was my apparent “saintliness” fuelled his despise both of me and himself and drove him deeper into the affair and made MOW furious and jealous. Evil is done by people who are out to do harm to others. Willing do harm. As BSs, we just happened to get hurt. Often the LTAs carry on to try and delay the hurt. And the damage. To delay the day of reckoning when all could be lost.

And now she will carry the guilt of her adulterous behaviour for the rest of her life. She was selfish. They were all selfish. Whatever the “reasons”, I do agree that it comes down to selfishness and disregard for the spouse and family. Friends too, I guess.

I have to leave the matter of trust with my fWH. I have handed that over to him because, as I bang on about in here, he says what he says and if he lies, he lies to himself because I neither believe nor disbelieve him, it is what it is. I just hear what he says without it going in too deep. I guess I just don’t care as much. That way, I won’t be fooled again. Hopefully, if I find out he’s cheating again, or strongly suspect, I will walk away with my soul intact and not ripped to shreds or blaming myself for HIS faults.

If something has got your antennae twitching and if feel strongly enough you need to check and verify for peace of mind, then just do it. But there is never going to be that same comfortable peace you had before d-day. Everything is less fluid and easy going. Innocence is lost and I think we can resent that when it was taken away. I decided against VAR/GPS earlier in the year when I was suspicious. I made the decision that trust was HIS responsibility. I let it be known I didn’t believe what he said, but there was nothing he could do or say to change how I felt. I simply detached and let him come to me.

Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve rambled here and got no time to proof read. It’s probably crap. Bt the good thing about SI is you can take what you need and disregard the rest. The bumping along the bottom will stop because the only way is back up.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:58 PM, August 20th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tryn)))
It really is okay to have doubts and not be sure all the time. It doesn't make you less of a husband or partner. You're doing a bang-up job and I hope you're not beating yourself up over having honest, authentic thoughts about the woman you married. (Said the pot to the kettle.)

I have IC in a few hours... yay!... I get to play What's Wrong With Nell, which will be a nice change of pace from What's Wrong With WH. To get ready, I have been processing my own thoughts and feelings and justifications and what-have-yous. It will be interesting to hear IC's response. I plan to go in, tell her that I want 2x4s and opinions from her, not just nodding along and soothing my furrowed brow. I need to figure this shit out. (wow... reading that over, it's the exact opposite of WH's reactions/expectations! huh.)

Meanwhile, WH has started 5 Love Languages (never did finish any of the three infidelity books). This is the response I expected to my drama. If things go as I suspect, for the next couple of weeks I will get lots of lovey-dovey stuff, a few bursts of anger and no movement on anything that might be personally uncomfortable or negative. I hope I will be surprised. If not... do I want another 5, 20, 40 years of the same?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Honest

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It really was very nice. I went to work - it was busy but good. Came home - fwh was very attentive. We had planned to go out to dinner but I didn't feel like it so we stayed in, watched a movie and went to bed early and had great sex. I still can't call it "making love" but it was the closest it's been since dday and I didn't trigger once.

So I take a chance at life knowing who I really have, and as long as I am having a good day enjoying what I want to do, it’s all good. To throw the daily feelings I have is not so easy. My memories will always be with me and that is OK. My innocence is gone forever I call it. Maybe it really should be, my hurt will always be with me too.

I feel like this often. I guess I hope that like you I will be able to say 9/10 one day. I suppose at present it's about 7/10.

Maybe doing the tracking for just a moment in my life will leave me more at peace.

Yes I think so. For me the worst thing would not be to find out he's cheating again. It would be to find this out in 5 or 10 years and that it had been going on for all that time. I will not have any more of my life stolen. This is where most of my anger has been centred since dday. I have felt that fwh stole so many years from me when I could have been with someone who truly loved me. Like us all I want to love and be loved. I deserve that. My VAR gives me security and peace.

Fwh found the GPS. I could see the anger in his face when he realised what it was. I too became angry and cried. I explained to him that it gave me security - it allowed me to believe him when he said he had NC and that now I was angry and sad because I could no longer have that. He understood and never mentioned it again. I think that if a fws is truly remorseful they will understand. he actually said he would put it back so I would feel safe

As for the abortion I suppose I would say I am pro life and pro forgiveness. I believe abortion is evil but a choice made by those in desperate circumstances. IMHO there are rarely cases where people are totally 'free' when choosing abortion and therefore their culpability for the act is severely limited. The old list applies "Grave matter, full knowledge and full consent".

Unlike infidelity. With infidelity people are totally free to choose. For me it is a far greater evil which causes ongoing and irreparable hurt- simply because it is a free choice and the BS knows that.

I would also say that your fww probably hasn't forgiven herself for the abortion. Otherwise why would she tell you?

Nell

I need to figure this shit out.

Don't we all honey.Don't we all. Good luck.

Hugs to everyone else

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 20th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell & Honest: I know you are right in that my kids hardly had anything to do with me at family functions other than to help them locate something or whine about wanting to leave, wanting a sleepover, etc. But, it's still a change that I didn't go with them. They really had no clue I wasn't going until they were walking out the door (even tho I had said I wasnt going many times prior to that) & seemed a bit sad that they had this reminder of their parent's marital status more than anything else I suppose. In hindsight, I see I need to be a lot more direct with them. I guess I will take the opportunity tomorrow then to be perfectly clear with them about the separate vacations as well.

Well, got into it with the x tonight because he changed plans & then didn't bother to let me know when he was going to be late on top of it which then affected my plans, which was really just to go out for a run, but still it pissed me off & I let him know that he doesn't operate in a vaccuum and that his actions impact others. It really just amazes me how he is incapable of just throwing out an apology as it would diffuse the situation, but no, all I get is defensiveness.
And then he had the balls to mock me like what was going to happen - I was going to get raped now because he was late? (My big plans were to go for a run before it got dark.) What an fn a*hole seriously.
If he comes back from this party & tells me he didn't tell his mother that we split AGAIN, I swear I'm just going to change my facebook status to single & let his family figure it out from there.
Arrrrggggh!

AND there's not a single damn condimnent in this house & I went food shopping 2x today.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:46 PM, August 20th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{allgood}}}}
Try to keep in mind that the reasons you felt you couldn't stay with WH is NOT going to change. He is not going to be aware of anyone else but himself. He is acting like a child by not calling you to tell you that he is running late. This is just common courtesy. He did this before and will continue to do this crap, unless he sees some consequences for his actions. You were waiting for him to go for a run? You text him telling him that you are going for a run at x time. If he is not back by then, then he will have to wait until you come back.

It's a shame, but this is tough love, and unfortunately the kids will suffer a bit in the interim, but xWH has to learn responsibility and consequences for his actions.

I'm so sorry, for all his BS.

Pray for me everyone. I'm still processing so much shit. Lately, just processing that Npd has NEVER been faithful and was seeing what I THOUGHT was he xgf throughout the whole time we were dating and up till a year or two (or more?) into our marriage. There is sooooo much to process.

DS12 was saying that if we had still stayed overseas that we'd be better off financially and that the older ds's were "grown up" when we went over there.

So much to process and so much to think about with the what ifs etc.

I know I should think about NOW, but it's so hard when I am confronting myself with what maybe I "should" have done/ KWIM?


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I should think about NOW, but it's so hard when I am confronting myself with what maybe I "should" have done/ KWIM?
There is a lifetime of what ifs. You didn’t stay abroad, but in what way would things have been different for you given the situation with WH and OW? Wouldn’t you wanted to have come home? It seems you have decided you have two options – to accept the status quo or divorce. Could you stay m’d and accept things as they are? Could you stay m’d if you had a change of mind set (like a permanent 180)? That vs the worst case scenario for divorce. Pros and cons. But don’t beat yourself with that “what if” stick. It will only drive you crazy. I hope you can come to a decision you know is the right one for you. Would talking to IC or a lawyer help you decide?

Allgood – I guess this is not unexpected behaviour – you will have seen it in your working life and there’s no reason for your stbx to follow a different pattern. He’s starting to try and take control and have the upper hand. He is, subconsciously or otherwise, resenting the fact that he is no longer in that comfortable place he was before and these petty arguments are probably set to get worse before they get better. And the children are incidental pawns in the control/power game. He is also trying to belittle you with that comment about rape, as if you have something to be scared of being on your own. He is no longer there to “protect” you and I view that comment as him recognising his removal from your day to day life. It is a blow to his ego that you don’t appear to need him. There’ll be more crappy and irritating incidents I expect.

Tryn’, how are you doing today?

Miracle – have a great break and I hope you’re having a break from SI too!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest & UKGirl: You are right - obviously he isn't going to have more respect for me, etc. post s/d than he has shown me in the past. Problem with me being somewhat vulnerable to his whim is the kids. FOr example, last night, he only took my daughter to the block party, leaving my with the boys. I couldn't just go for a run & leave them home alone. As for the "rape" comment - I don't think it was a power thing, he was belittling me for feeling nervous for setting out on a run after it had gotten dark, just like he belittled me as I left for the run when I insisted he lock the door behind him. (Something he has resisted doing our entire marriage.)
Big difference between our relationship & the ones I see at work is the lack of formality we have. This was because we did not hate each other & were able to be in the same house together for periods of time & we basically felt it was an easier transition for the kids this way. I see I am going to have to start inching towards a more formal arrangement sooner rather than later.

He did not tell his family last night. He says he didn't "get the chance" because other people were around. More horseshit, of course. So what does he have the "chance" to tell them? That I got mad at him for coming back from the block party late & went for a run instead of going to the party.
I was fuming mad as I was quite specific with him that I don't want people thinking ill of me just because he's too chicken shit to tell his Mommy that we split up. So, I'm telling them today.

Honest: I hope you can process this quickly so you can move on.
As to your son's comment about going overseas, I've been meaning to tell you something for a while, but didn't want to add to your worries, but I think now is the time to tell you. Sometimes kids look at their parents in terms of which one is going to be the "winner" in this matter and align themselves with that parent accordingly. And, in your case and given NPD's personality, I do worry about him promising xy & z over there & the kids looking at you struggling with money, being distaught, etc. and thinking it would be a Hell of a lot easier to be on Dad's team.
Obviously, I don't know enough about your kids to say whether this would be something that would happen, I know you are an excellent mom & they love you dearly. I also know that your eldest at least does seem to see who your NPD is. But, I'm just throwing it out there for your consideration.
I'm sorry that you even need to process all of this - try to focus ont he fact that he was always an ass which means he will never ever change & it's a blessing that you can start over.
((Honest))

Laura: Where are you? More great sex? Hmmmmm....? Lol (I hope so!)

Tryn: How are you?
Ats: How are you?
M3: WHERE are you?

Aight. I'm out.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.. The word Evil over here means morally wrong or bad; immoral. Yes, she was evil. I know we all have it within us to be evil but on different levels. Obviously, evil always come with a great price, you harm yourself and others. Miscarriages are different and certainly not evil IMO. I cannot disagree with you that I am now judging my W right now as I am looking back in history. Maybe I am judging her now before I move into a new stage of my recovering from all this.

But there is never going to be that same comfortable peace you had before d-day

This is the real sad part for me. I really miss those kinds of feelings. It’s kinda like a feeling like looking at the moon. It’s there, you see it all the time; in different places across the sky; you know it’s going to be there day after day; We glance and go sometimes; when we see it orange, it’s beautiful; when we see it full, it’s interesting and always neat to look at. Sometimes it’s bigger that other times; It’s just there not provoking any real bad thoughts at all, just good thoughts, those peaceful thoughts.

I am not sure I am beating myself up. My W and I had another wonder day as we do about every day. I can attest to success the fact that Retrou has taught us both how to be very desirable to each other. I can attest to the fact that my strong attempts to forgive her is working because it does help me with my anger, and acceptance. I think I have made how to do that clear to everyone here how I did it… Yes? Anybody need a chart?

I cannot and will not continue my life thinking about infidelity everyday. I do realize it is now a part of me, but at some point for me to be at total peace it must go from my thoughts as quick as it pops in. Time is just one factor and but as I preach all the time, actions affect that too. Even with me, every action I take is toward peace too.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... I am sure telling his family is not going to be easy. BTW, When is your final date for the D?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Popping in quickly before bed. It's 10.45pm here.

Allgood

Laura: Where are you? More great sex? Hmmmmm....? Lol (I hope so!)

Ummmm.... Last night again!!! but a little hohum after Thursday night. Oh well - at least there has been a little improvement in frequency!!!

He did not tell his family last night.

Sorry honey looks like he is not only a FT but a wimp!!!! Unlike you!!!!

So, I'm telling them today.

I forget - which superwoman character were you? At this rate you will take my persona - Lisbeth. BTW - have you read the books or seen the movies? (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo etc) You really should. They are very empowering I think. I love the character. She is so brave and in spite of horrific traumas faces the world head on. Just like you hon!!!

Tryn

I cannot and will not continue my life thinking about infidelity everyday.

I hope for all our sakes this happens in the future. Somehow I think it will be a long time for many of us. LTA=LTR - Sigh!

This is the real sad part for me.

I don't want to be sad anymore. I just don't. I feel like a child sometimes - stamping my feet- I just am sick of being sad!!! When being sad gets to me too much I sometimes get angry.

Anybody need a chart?

I don't need one but I'd like one. Do you have any new ones? Maybe one on trust since that is such an issue for so many of us?

At Laura's Place

FWH and I went to lunch today. One the way home we stopped at the supermarket. Walking down the aisle we passed a woman (about my age) who touched FWH on the shoulder and said "Shopping with the little wife?" I couldn't help myself - if looks could kill she'd be ROAD KILL!!! Fwh didn't hear what she said as she was walking away at the time and sort of said it under her breath. I asked fwh who she was on the way home. He replied "Just one of the nurses from work". I asked if she was married and he replied that she was separated. Couldn't help myself, I said "Did you fuck her too?" He became most indignant and told me no and why was I asking? I told him what she said and he said that she used to be nice but has turned into a real bitch lately.

Oh well, I suppose if he fucked her too I don't care too much. He was at it for so long I guess I don't really care which one he was doing. I suspect some of you will think that that's a strange thing to say I suppose but I keep telling myself they were just holes so I suppose I'm starting to see them as "non persons". Sometimes I even think of his OWs as being like those blow up dolls you see in movies sometimes. Gives me a giggle!!!

Anyway. Really should get to bed. Long day tomorrow.


Where IS everyone????? It is too quiet here. Those of us posting get nervous when we don't hear from others.

Please pop in and say hello so we know you are OK!

HUGS and LOVE to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, I get your meaning about evil. Yes, I think there must be a difference between the English and American understanding of the word. Here, it means something much, much stronger. Usually referring to killers and torturers. We would probably say bad, morally corrupt/bankrupt or sinful.

Maybe I am judging her now before I move into a new stage of my recovering from all this.
Maybe to confirm is was as bad as you thought it was? That is one thing I find hard, because for me I don’t want it to be as bad as it was, I want to cast it in a better light, or find something in me that drove him to do what he did. But I can’t. it is what it is. And I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it. I’ll always shake my head at the selfishness of it all.

He did not tell his family last night. He says he didn't "get the chance" because other people were around……………..So, I'm telling them today.
Is this straightforward cowardice, or do you think he reckons that YOU telling them will cast you as the bad guy? The one who is forcing a divorce he doesn’t want so he gets the sympathy vote? Well, whatever happens, generally, blood will side with blood. But I think you know that fact already.

who touched FWH on the shoulder and said "Shopping with the little wife?"
WHAT??? I’m not surprised you asked the question. Why the fuck would she make a comment like that to a man she works with within your earshot? Wow. That would have driven my antennae crazy. I’m so sorry that you bumped into her – have a remark ready if you should bump into her again. Look into her basket and say “shopping for one?”

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:47 AM, August 21st (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I dont like that comment either. Glad u r not letting it bother u. Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out, but for right now the book club I'm in keeps me busy enough, no time to read anything else but what they are reading.

Tryn - no divorce has been filed. We signed a separation agreement which is a binding contract here & whenever one of us goes forward with the divorce it sets forth all of the terms. No need for me to pursue divorce as I will lose my health benefits.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:41 AM, August 21st (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

I would take the woman's comment to your H in the store as her knowing about his A history and taunting him (and you). I can understand your rage, I'd have felt the same.

iwam, hope your trip is going well. Rather than internet maybe your hotel will have a sauna with attractive attendants to fetch you drinks and such.


allgood, sorry to read you continue to struggle with your x, but I guess if he was able to negotiate and be reliable you would likely still be together. I think it sounds like you are doing very well.

Nell, wondering what insights you got at IC?

I think I had a great day yesterday. Early I got some work done I had been putting off. As we got ready to go listen to a musician, FWW said she would like to lay together to connect, have sex, and listen to the storms outside. I opted for staying detached and we talked of how I do not want a D, but believe it is inevitable based on our past struggles. She accepted this all calmly, we had a great evening out. We talked of how we both feel. Hard issues like is she going to try to learn to connect with me, or does she want me to stay with her knowing she does not feel the connection to me? Then we got home and I caved in. We spent the night and this morning in physical expressions of love. We have been talking all morning, she had not realized I was really seeing the end of the relationship. So a nice oasis in the desert, we will see what comes next. After sex, I am fighting to keep some of my detached perspective.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:20 AM, August 21st (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Still here:( Things get better for a while and then something happens and I end up right where I started from.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
njgal480
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Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared-
Are you in a bad place because your WH broke NC? or you have found out new information?
Or is it just part of the emotional roller coaster?

Tryin- I'm still away on vacation but wanted to check in.
It sounds to me like you just fell down a rabbit hole.
That still happens to me. Things are going along just fine (or as fine as they can be post d-day) and then suddenly out of nowhere a trigger...or just a thought gets stuck in my head. Something about the LTA, or the OW, or the specifics and then...down I go..down that rabbit hole...and I can get myself more and more upset, depressed, etc. contemplating all kinds of things...including my decision to reconcile etc.
And then...my FWH says or does something particularly nice..or something in my life-family etc. jars me back into to 'now'...and I realize that as awful what he did to me was...it is in the past...and today things are different. That was then..this is now...and slowly but surely I pull myself up out of the hole...
after a day or so...I'm back to normal again..

so..watch out for those pesky rabbit holes.

Reconciling after a LTA is tough stuff...not for the faint of heart.


Ats-As always my heart goes out to you. It is hard enough reconciling with a FWS that is 100% in it for the long term....dealing with someone that is so unsure of herself, her comittment to the marriage, her willingness to fight for the marriage and you....makes R even harder...
IMHO she needs to make up her mind. Does she want to stay married to you or not?
Is this the best for you, her, the children? or not?
If it is...then she needs to get off the fence and give it her all.

Laura- I'm glad to hear that your FWH has been doing the right thing lately...validating you, showing you love and affection etc.
The woman in the grocery store....hmmm..sounds like a bitch to me...LOL.
and..sounds like one of his toxic work buddies.
She may not have been one of his conquests but his work situation sounds like it was (maybe still is) extremely toxic....with a lot of inappropriate joking, discussions, after work drinking, affairs, no boundaries.....and a feeling like they (the toxic co-workers) are 'cooler'than the boring suburban do-gooders that stay married and do boring things like shop with their spouses.

Meanwhile...this woman is probably jealous of your intimate little show of unity -she wishes she had someone to go food shopping with...so..what does she do? she has to knock it in some way.

This woman's attitude is an example of why its so important for all married couples to surround themselves with friends of the marriage.

This goes for married women as well as toxic co-workers..
I have some grouchy, negative thinking married friends as well as divorced friends..and they are always putting down men, husbands, marriage etc.-extolling the virtues of 'singledom'.
That kind of peer pressure does have an impact on people.

That's why now... my FWH and I do not have much contact with his toxic work friends, or any former drinking buddies and I keep my distance from some of girlfriends too....

Allgood- Tell his family. They are your family also...they are your children's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents...you have every right in the world to tell them...and tell them the reason for the separation.
I would NOT keep his dirty secrets for him! I always believe in outting the LTA. The only way that the WS will change, grow, etc. is if there are consequences for their behaviors.
And..whether you stay married or not...he is the father of your children. He has been exhibiting a lot of toxic behaviors-drinking too much, etc. that can potentially impact your children in the future.
The more the in laws know about what is going on with him the more chance there is that they could have some kind of positive impact on his future decisions....
so tell them everything...

Honest- I am so sorry. What you are dealing with are repeated d-days...the trickle truth..as you find out more and more about what an awful husband your WH/STBXH has been.
Hopefully you are still in IC and can process this with someone.
Your DS comments bother me also... I am concerned that there is some kind of brainwashing attempts going on with your WH and the boys.
The whole cultural things worries me as well...what kind of example is he to them? He seems to want them to embrace this lifestyle (the 2 wives /OC etc.)
Do you want this for your boys? Is there some kind of male father figure here in the US that could set your boys straight on this? Explain that you can practice the religion without embracing these outdated and totally chauvinistic views?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see my husbands emails, texts and calls on his phone...but he knows this...have seen nothing of course...then I was checking his phone and saw that when I hit the menu button it was on the Instant Messaging....don;t know how to see these. As far as I know there has been no contact and if he is still seeing her it must be while he is suppose to be working. This is it....and it has set me in a tailspin...CRAZY....I am so tired of the rollercoaster. Other than this he is loving and affectionate....Does this ever end?

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to catch up on the wkend while FWH is outside working on the lawn as we are having family here this p.m. for his mom's 87th birthday but there's too much to read/skim and hope to take in so I'll have to come back this evg.

Someone said to Tryn about his choice to forgive possibly being forced, I think. I am rereading his recent posts and comments to them as they impact me a lot right now. Trying to follow his path is quite difficult for me but I'm working at it, thinking it's the only way I can stay with FWH with any sense of 'taking the high road' although I may be wrong on that point.
I just know that I am staying partly to keep the lifestyle I'm used to and for the sake of my grandchildren as much as for anything else. Loving him is different now from the love I felt the first 30 yrs (his A started a few months after our anniversary). It was not discovered until 2007 and he has not been entirely NC as she still works for him seasonally. This may end in the upcoming months (corporate changes) but the details aren't worked out yet.

I feel he is trying to make it up to me with acts of affirmation but often think that he is just now doing what would be expected of any DH with a chronically ill wife... I have become cynical about love and marriage in general. A wedding last weekend where our dd stood up for once of her best friends was so beautifully done. I found myself torn between being happy for them and hoping their bubble would not be burst!

Lots of feelings to work through even after 4 yrs. I need to read more of NJgal's posts.

Love & hugs to all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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