We don't have a partnership. We have a friendship and a history. He loves me, though I'm not sure in what capacity.
So, pity party for me tonight but I called two friends IRL who talked me down from the ledge. I'm still luckier than most....no earthquakes or hurricanes inbound to Texas!
Hugs to all!
Elle- It sounds as if your STBXWH has lost his marbles.
Has he always been so selfish and narcissistic and insensitive? or is this a new development?
Obviously there was no 'love' with any of these OW because it was so easy for him to jump from one to the other...
His disrespect of you and insensitivity toward your children is awful.
Obviously, he leaves you no choice but to file for divorce and move on with your life.
Have you gone to IC for yourself? I saw an IC for almost 4 yrs. It was a life saver for me.
Have you considered counseling for your children? So they can have a place to vent about their feelings about this mess?
I know another SI BS that found out that her WHs bizarre behavior after d-day was fueled by mid life crisis, bipolar, and drugs and alcohol....
unfortunately her WH never came out of the 'fog' and did not get sober and continues to self destruct and hurt his children.
Just an awful situation.
Anyway, I am still trying to catch up with everyone's stories and I do hope yours has improved.
Big hugs and positive energy to everyone. Love Ellejay xxx
I actually sat x down today to tell him that I'm still looking at $1k/mo less income & there's not that much fat in my budget that's going to make that up. He seemed amenable to chipping in whatever it took.
But I totally agree. It sucks that they ended the marriage & we pay, and pay and pay.
ellejay: your ws sounds like a perfect fuckwit...we should introduce him to mr dishonest, they seem to have way way too much in common...and thats so damned sad to me....way too many men out there who just take the cake and then of course some other suckers cake too..
whenever possible take the high road....its so not worth stooping down...stick up for your kids and do what you gotta do for them....
and if not in ic i think you would benefit from it greatly....
sadallthe time....has he taken a lie detector test.....my ws did, of course if was after 8 months and i gotta tell you i didnt and still dont believe the results...i found lots of other shit that just dont jive with the results and i was not able to ask the direct questions i wanted too....but alas i am not reconciling as you are trying to do...
as for talking to the ow....take it with a grain of salt...i am sure she is a liar as he is....so both are liars....
mc is also in order...and if you dont like the mc you go to, then pick another...all mc's are not created equal...
allgood and strong: wow....your posts so resonate with me...i will be there myself eventually and it looks, well it looks like shit...
yesterday my friend was telling me about her meltdown last week, she is the one i babysit for, her husband is still out of work...and now i can no longer sit for her when needed....she feels like her life is also falling apart....so pfm's actions have some ripples to others....and i feel bad, but i have to cover myself....for my future...
miracle update: family therapy did not go well, we came home and manchild didnt shut up for about an hour...he went on and on and on, saying the same thing...and now posts on facebook that he has a piece of shit life....i dont feel guilty, but i do feel angry....and i want him to experience what a piece of shit life really is....
my son is being a fool right now....and i hate doin it but i cant seem to stop the comparisons in my head...he is so much like pfm and its makin me so so mad....i want my son to be better then him....
And, I just wanted to assure you that despite the stress over financial matters, I am still happy that I chose this course of action & I can honestly say I'm happier now than I was when I was still struggling with R. Money is money - a far easier thing to deal with than the emotional hurricane we found ourselves in.
Got to go.
Miracle- I'm so sorry that your DS is having these emotional issues. Please don't give up on him.
Just like many ICs do not know how to handle infidelity issues.....many ICs are not experts in dealing with adolescents.
A big help when our family was dealing with a teen crisis was finding the correct 'team' of health professionals to help.
It started with an adolescent pediatrician. She was awesome. Not many out there but truly worth finding. She dealt with kids from the ages of 13-23. Got them through those tough years. She was so knowledgeable about teen issues like-eating disorders, drug use, peer pressure, depression, anger etc.And what she would do was to recommend psychologists that specialized in adolescents. Then they worked as a team. They would call each other to discuss the teens issues/progress etc.
Finding the right match of health professionals is crucial. And as in all things early intervention is best. You're not being over protective. Some of the things you have described show a young man in crisis.
I'm sure that there is a certain amount of anxiety about going back to school etc. on top of issues that he has with pfm etc.
My prayers are with you.
Also..sending out good thoughts for all of us on the east coast... hopefully that monster hurricane will move out to sea and miss the coaastline.
Honest- Just wanted to say that your description of Mr Dishonest and how scared he is of animals...how he is NOT at all the macho guy when confronted with a praying mantis! LOL...it really made me chuckle....
what a big shot,huh?
Of course, I'm staring down the barrel of divorce, so not sure if you want to take my advice... but it's a decision I have made with my eyes wide open.
That's what the topic of MC will be... the fact that I view this marriage as over, and what do we do now. And I expect that WH will want me to fight for it (his way) and when I don't agree he will say that he will do all the stuff he hasn't done for the past year because "he will do anything" (which would be laughable if it weren't so sad). The protestations have already happened... we have all this great history (remember 15 years ago through 7 years ago? that was so great), we need to ask our friends and family and God (talk about a come-to-Jesus moment! WH trends toward anti-religion) for help, I'm the love of his life (and...?), blah blah blah. But then the sound of crickets again. STILL hasn't read the books! Once again started one (5 Love Languages this time) but got about halfway through and then got too busy with his business idea to finish it. Talked to me about it once. Same ol', same ol'.
It's an untenable situation. And yes, it will suck and it will cause hardships and (this is the part that kills me) my kids will suffer. But my options are:
(1) Live alongside WH, who continues to make all of his decisions based on what he wants and what makes him happy without compromising for my wants/happiness, and rely on myself for my own happiness and rely on support from people outside my marriage and deal with problems within the marriage by working around WH. And play happy family for the Boyos for at least 13 years.
(2) Get out. Live authentically, though alone and financially strapped. Still have to deal with WH because of the Boyos, but only on the sidelines of my life, not as a central player.
I can't do #1 any longer. So #2 it is. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, this is going to suck.
Under the contempt is the realization that WH has always shown his true colors to me... not to say that he realizes that he's a grayish shade of lavendar (he actually thinks he's bright red and navy blue with some gold thrown in there for sparkle)... but I was totally color-blind until the past year or so. In other words, he is who he is, and I can't change him and he is either unwilling or unable to change. Maybe he loves the way he is. Maybe he's a coward. Maybe he's just not equipped to deal with himself. I don't know. Not my problem.
Anyhoo... I can look at the whole situation without my gut twisting around itself, which is giving me the opportunity to actually think through things, instead of getting stuck in a cycle of rage.
It's so simple, though! Jeez!
Sending you a PM with a question about it.
But...maybe I am the eternal optimist...I do believe that people can change.
They do change all the time. And...they do have 'come to Jesus' moments.
Addicts and alcoholics change... former WS can change... they can suddenly have that light bulb moment that was so elusive before...
and the change can be authentic and long lasting.
IMHO the only thing that we can predict in life is that things will change...so why not people?
and... if the two people in a relationship make changes in themselves then their marriage and entire family dynamic can change...
He does not know how to grill! I am going to issue him a life time Nancyboy card for that. No votes are needed for this one. I know all the others will agree. Pink flip flops in the summer and those big fuzzy house shoes in the winter. Pink of course.
Here is a strange but true and probably boring, mantis story. I was sitting out side one day and I had a mantis land on my chest and crawl up to my shoulder. It stayed there for 20-30 minutes. I walked around and it just went along for the ride. I felt like some sort of weird pirate. My W was even pretty impressed. I took if off and set it on my deck rail. It flew back to my shoulder. I guess it liked me. Your H would have freaked out big time!
Turn right Irene!
I remember as a child that other children would say that the Praying Mantis was protected by the government and you would be fined etc. if you killed one!
Was that true?
yes...definitely...lets hope Irene turns out into the Atlantic!
former WS can change... they can suddenly have that light bulb moment that was so elusive before...
But I have spent a good amount of time lately about shocking the hell out of myself, so who knows?
Ellejay – I do want to reconcile with this man and last night he wanted to talk about this recent situation. He feels that this OW is vindictive and wants to make his life miserable, understands why I would doubt him but insists he is telling the truth and he has been totally consistent for the last 22 months. He has suggested that I email both of these people and firmly tell them that I do not want to hear from them again and will take action if they continue to harass me – my choice, of course. I was going to take no action but told him I would seriously consider doing this. I am so sorry for the loss of your 25 year marriage. You sound like a wonderful, strong woman and this man does sound like he has lost all his marbles. Be kind and take care of you – we will both come out as winners whether R or D. Thanks for your advice and good words.
Honest – happy belated birthday – so glad you have wonderful boys.
Strongish – do you have a good attorney? I have followed you a bit and know you have made a tough decision – just hope you have good support and advice – emotionally and financially.
Njgal – Your advice is right on and after reading it last night told my FWH that I wanted to continue moving forward, not backwards so I’m putting this recent mess behind me. It’s just another example how their terrible actions continue to haunt our marriages. Yes, my FWH is remorseful and is committed to the marriage, is willing to do the hard work of saving the marriage, making changes in himself, is totally transparent about his whereabouts, cell phone records, credit card bills, email passwords etc. We both went to alcohol rehab (yes alcohoics and addicts do change!) and he is back seeing his IC, who I think is very good. His IC was very positively surprised about our rehab and says we are not ready for MC yet – he says FWH needs to work on himself and the how’s and why’s will come out as he progresses and I need to focus on myself right now. I am going back to my IC also.
Miracle – I don’t think a lie detector test is the way to go at this point – just think we are beyond that. I’m sorry family therapy did not go well. DS is at a very difficult age and dealing with this makes being a teenager even more difficult. None of this is your fault and I applaud you for having the patience to stay on the sidelines. Time and maturity hopefully will bring him around. I agree with njgir that a good IC is worth looking for.
All – it sounds like you have come to the best decision for you – stay strong and take care of yourself.
ImNellNow – maybe MC will finally wake him up. Is your MC good? Is WH strong enough for a new marriage? You are and if he’s not you have realized it will never work and are ready to move on – I applaud you.
Nofun – what’s going on with you?
I live in the Florida Panhandle – hurricane alley! – although glad Irene is not coming this way my thoughts and prayers are with all on the east coast facing Irene.
Is your MC good?
Is WH strong enough for a new marriage?
Sadallthetime - I would NOT engage these people in conversation any further. It's a game to them only. The payoff for them is the attention you are giving them which validates them. They really could'nt careless if their information is helpful to you or not - they are NOT your friends and yes it is HARASSMENT if they continue.
Can someone please explain EMDR to me, as I keep hearing it mentioned? I think I need something at the moment, I feel so angry again. My ex H has the attitude that now he has reverted to Plan B and we are separated that he shouldn't have to consider my feelings at all when it comes to his present activities, even though at the same time I have move in the same business circles etc. The other day he asked if I would be prepared to give him a "character reference" in regards to some other shit he's got himself into. I think I need an Oscar for keeping a straight face. Then he told a mutual friend of ours that his biggest fear is that I will find someone else. I needed resuscitating for that one!
I tried a few sessions of EMDR but I think it was too early in the process for me and I found it too upsetting.
It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is used for PTSD symptoms.Many BS do respond to d-day with PTSD or as some call PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder).