Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: amanda123 (43207)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 26th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just popping in quick.

Prayers going up for all in the path of Irene. Please stay safe and check in to let us know you are OK.

Elle

EMDR

I did it because I was tired of the incredible pain and raging anger. I wanted my life back. The emotions were making it so hard to function on a daily basis. I also wanted something that would work quickly - I did not want to spend years with an IC.

I can't speak for others but for me I believe it worked because I was determined to get better. I had to travel almost 300kms each way to see the therapist so I had a lot invested in it.

I think this is essential. You have to want to let go of the pain and anger. I now rarely have really bad days although I am still quite sad at times. But the sadness and anger no longer dominate my life.

What drew me to it was the research on the success rate and the fact that it is used often as the first line of treatment for war veterans and victims of violent crime. If it worked for them I thought it should work for me.

For a description of the actual process go to

http://www.emdrnetwork.org/description.html

When you are in a sich like ours anything is worth a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving it a go.

ETA

This article talks about the effectiveness of EMDR compared to other types of therapy.

http://www.therapyadvisor.com/LocalContent/adult/consumer-shapiro-EMDR-PTSD.pdf


HUGS

Laura


[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:55 PM, August 26th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 26th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

changing:

one can only change oneself if and only if you want to do it for yourself...another words...our ws's need to want to change for the right reasons...and sadly saving the marriage is only one part.....if they don't do it ulitimately for themselves it will never work and old behaviors will not only surface but remain imbedded in who they are....

njgals husband started out doing it for the marriage and somewhere along the way i believe he also did it for himself....which is why it stays solid

nell: as much as i hate that you are moving forward is as much as i am happy for you....having an absolute plan for oneself is so peacegiving to oneself.....and i know like allgood it won't all be a bed of roses, but the peace acquired in the s/d will be worth it....and your boys are young enough to adjust without too much adverse shit on them....


irene: well i am in the secondary evacuation zone...many friends are in it as well as my mom who lives across the street from one of the city hospitals that WAS evacuated...she is coming to me tomorrow before irene lands...

got lots of exercise today just trying to find d batteries....lots and lots...i got em though...after many hours, many more stores and finally a stores late delivery...saints be praised....i hope i dont need them...

my kids are geared to finish the ice cream in the freezer and my friend want to bring some booze and make a party out of it.....

well we have til tomorrow nite...i will keep you all posted...

njgal...are you near the areas of evacuation???....and atlantic city actually closed the casinos starting at noon tomorrow....

i so hope they (news and political peeps) are making way more out of this then it will be...


m3: what about you?...where are you in conjunction with this storm???

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, August 26th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- Hope Irene misses all if us!
No... I did not have to evacuate. I do have my water, D batteries, etc. lined in case of flooding and power outtages.
Maybe it won't be as bad as they are predicting?
NYC has not had a direct hit of a hurricane since 1898!
What is going on around here?
earthquakes for the first time ever...and now this....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 26th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28 - Thanks for the advice re EMDR I will look into it.

Hope everyone in the path of Irene is OK.

Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of those of you in the path of Irene. Take care.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for wishing those of us who are in the path of Irene well.

I'm actually semi-panicked about it and semi in denial.
(Like, I'm thinking I should go get some supplies, etc. but all I've done is get cash, gas & 1 flashlight. I had to laugh when I heard Miracle's efforts. I guess I'm going shopping today, lol.)

You would never know there was going to be evena drop of rain from the look of the sky today - very sunny.

Anyway, thanks again. And, I am going away next week, me & the 4 kids, no computer access, so when you don't hear from me, don't assume I've been swept away. (I'll be sure to check in with you guys assuming there's no power problems on Sun eve tho.)

Ok. Later peeps.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of everyone in the path of Irene. Here's hoping that it just sputters out as it moves up the east coast. I went through two hurricanes when I lived in VA and FWH was in the Navy. We were very lucky and the storms weakened such that there was little real damage. I'll be following the news to see how you all are doing.

Get out. Live authentically, though alone and financially strapped.
The word that jumped out at me from this comment was living "authentically." Yes, Nell, this is what you deserve and if you're anything like me living a pretend life is just not possible. It's not that you're not strong enough to put on the happy face and act as if nothing is wrong, it's that for some people it just can't be done....no way, no how. I am one of those people.

I really feel that I did what I needed to do in order to be strong enough to make the decision to walk away from my FWH and live "authentically." That is how I want to live every single day of my life. There is still a lot of crap to deal with as we separate our 28 years together, and I'm so, so scared, but in the end I feel so much peace with my decision to stop trying to "save" M to a man that I cannot respect. And I wanted to get out before we got too angry with each other.

Nell - I said everything I ever needed or wanted to say to FWH about how to save our M or how to let me go. I have left no words unsaid and no effort wasted. All the heartache, IC, MS and time at Onsite was vital to ME. I am walking away from my M knowing that I tried the best that I could. Maybe some could do more, certainly some do less, but I did what was right for me.

Your kids will do better than you think. I suggest you contact the counselor and teachers at their school and keep her in the loop so that she can keep an eye out for any problems there. And do whatever it takes to keep the anger and resentment away from them. They love both of you and a D will not change that. I see that with my kids and while I sometimes get pissed that they are not more pissed at him, I have to pull myself back and get busy doing something else so that that resentment does not take root in me.

I had a mini-meltdown this week about my future finances. My job is such that I get no benefits... no vacation or sick time, no health insurance, etc. With FWH's help, I have worked out a budget to live on for the next 6 months or so until we put our house on the market. DS17 voiced several times that he did want to live alone with FWH and he wanted to stay in the house he"s grown up in for his senior year of HS. My gut reaction is that I want out of this house, away from the ruined memories of so many so-called happy times when in reality FWH was planning the logistics of meeting up with OW. Plus the expense of living in here was more than I could handle on my income. The end result is that FWH and I worked out how much he will supplement my income in order to keep the house running until the end of DS17's senior year. Given my work situation though, I have little to no financial safety-net if I get sick or something happens and I cannot work the hours that I need to in order to make all the ends meet. I was really in a panic and was angry at FWH for even putting me in this position. I stewed about it for two days then I decided to lay it all on the table for him and ask his help. I called FWH yesterday and told him my fears....naturally I started to cry.....and FWH stepped up to the plate. He assured and reassured me that he would always be a safety-net for me and that we would work together to set up the financial split so that I was comfortable with it. This conversation took place while our DD was driving him to the airport and FWH said he was glad that she could hear what he was saying as that would reassure me that he truly meant that he would help me feel financially secure. Needless to say, I am grateful that for all his faults, FWH is not being an a-hole about all this.

We have decided to work through the collaborative D process and plan to do as much as we can ourselves so that we're not paying huge attorney's fees. Yesterday's conversation was reassuring to me that FWH and I can still work together for the benefit of both of us and our kids.

Added to that....my oldest will be deploying soon after Thanksgiving. He will be aboard an aircraft carrier for at least 6 months. He will be home for the holiday and despite my loathing for having all the combined families here, FWH and I agreed that we should work together to make Thanksgiving as "normal" as possible. We both want our son to deploy knowing that FWH and I are able to cooperate and work together towards a common goal. The last thing DS24 needs is to be worrying about the family situation while he is trying to land on a carrier.

Miracle - I don't know how you do it. The ups and downs of adolescent life is crazy. I'm grateful that I only have one still at home and he has great friends and great friend's moms that are there to support him. Hang in there...it will get better. Every once in a while my DS17 will surprise me with a bit of wisdom. IMHO the most important this is to be honest with them, without putting them in the middle of course. They are watching you and pfm and will model your behavior. I have shown my kids how angry and sad that I am, but I work to let them know that these are honest, heart-felt emotions and entirely appropriate for MY situation. DS17 still has anger towards FWH and at me too at times because it was my decision to D. But will patience he dealing with it. So far, he's dealing with it in a healthy way. He's started school and is getting involved in student council and other things at school that take up his time. I am proud of my kids for their compassionate response to my and FWH's pain.

So...sorry for the long post. There's no way I can respond to each of you and lend a shoulder to lean on, just know that I care and am concerned. Hugs to all!

[This message edited by strongish at 8:50 AM, August 27th (Saturday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, tribe, for all your support. Love you.

Checking Irene's progress... prayers out to you in the path...

XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got supplies out the wazoo, LOL. My parents were in a mandatory evacuation zone so they are here. My house has tons of tall trees around so I've told the kids we're having a slumber party in the basement for the storm. It's raining and the breeze is picking up but I don't think we'll be getting slammed until dinnertime.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being from Fl I do not get a chance to worry about others facing a hurricane very often. Best wishes to all of you. There is no better way to appreciate the modern comforts than to be without electricity for a few days. If it is not too late, the cheap solar lawn ornaments at Lowes and WalMart make nice "night lights" when the power is out. Only a few bucks a piece they charge during the day and light the house until you go to bed at night.

FWW and DS left to attend her older DD's wedding.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping we all stay safe during Irene!!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for those of you in NJ, NY, Long Island....I'm in New Hampshire. I'm sure we'll have no power but not as bad at NY. My daughter is in Long Island...I'm worried.

Hugs to all!!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats- try to enjoy yourself this weekend... don't think about the wedding and your FWW and DS attending without you ( for what its worth I still think this sucks...but that's me).
Relax, kick back...got to a yoga class...
think about the notherners trying to deal with something they're not used to dealing with! a hurricane!
Just starting to rain here now....fingers crossed...hope its not too bad.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Hope you and yours are all safe in the coming days.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all my friends on the E. Coast and in the path of Irene. If the power goes out we may not hear from you for a few days, but as soon as you can, check in and let us know that you are okay.

Worrying about you all!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ats))
How are you?

So, here in Long Island, so far so good. I'm almost looking forward to getting it over with already, kinda freaky, stores all boarded up, etc.

O - and btw- asked x to stay overnight tonight. Not sure if that was the right thing or not but the choice of dealing with 4 kids and no potentially no power over night, etc. well, I really didnt care if it was a good idea or not.
Alright, be well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood= Good idea. Dealing with 4 little ones without power etc. would be very tough. Better safe than sorry.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you?

Thanks for asking. I feel alone, not bad, just alone. She has been gone a lot this week up to her xH's where the wedding is being staged visiting with her DD's and his family, but I did not really feel different until this evening.

On the positive side, after 6 months of applying and re-applying, our bank is offering us a refinance at a lower interest rate and extended terms. We did not qualify for any of the Government programs, but this offer knocks about 25% off the monthly mortgage payment, and will make it easier to afford the house and life, even on just my salary alone. Still way underwater on the loan, but much more doable longterm.

Looks like Irene is falling apart and may just be a big rain squall by the time she hits NY and NE. Still, if you have not had regular storms to trim the trees, a lot of power lines will be knocked out.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - I'm way behind in reading.

Nell - thinking of you & take care; I believe over the next 12 months I'm slowly heading for the big D. It can be the only choice if they dont carry their load.

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Been thinking of you tonight. How are you? Is WW home?

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

checkin in to let you all know miracle house is hangin in....pfm was up all nite like every hour pumpin the water out....so those efforts so far were great...no water in the house...

we still have power...but all around us..not..

the evacuees staying with us...not so lucky....

lots of down trees, lots of power outages, lots and lots of flooding....the neighborhood looks like a warzone....


will check in again later as long as power remains...my kids are not happy..they wanted a black out to eat all the ice cream in the house..

and one of the little people stayin wanted to use one of the big lanterns ...of course use the lantern to see the ice cream he wanted to eat..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.