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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
stunned-dad
Member
Member # 3488
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of sad in a way that there is Part 26 for LTA with 40 plus pages of replies. Grrr


BS-Me 47 WS-Wife 40 Kids-D13 S10
DD 11/20/02 Affair lasted 2 1/2 years. OM sexual predator 12+ prior affairs. Wife had suppressed sexual abuse/rape issues she hid.

Life gives us us sorrow so we can have something to measure happiness with.


Posts: 6152 | Registered: Feb 2004
njgal480
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Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stunned dad-
I read one of your posts on the other day about EFT therapy for couples! It was an excellent post! Very helpful.Was it on Reconciliation? I think it would be helpful for our LTAers.
And yes...you're right it does seem like infidelity affects everyone. That's how I see it... every person that I told about my situation had a story of their own to tell me or a story about a close friend or relative dealing with this too...
I guess its part of our 'feel good' society. When you are totally focused on whether or not you are happy all the time then you tend to ignore the needs of everyone else around you.....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add that all is well with me after the hurricane/tropical storm.
I'm lucky-no flooding near me, no power outtages, no wind damage or water in the basement etc.
But..that is not the case in many other towns and neighborhoods..lots of downed trees and power outtages.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
stunned-dad
Member
Member # 3488
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 28th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was on reconciliation. It has been awhile since I posted but have been laid up post surgery and came back here to see how things were going. Same old stories just new posters sad but there is some truth that marriages that survive affairs come out stronger in the long run.


BS-Me 47 WS-Wife 40 Kids-D13 S10
DD 11/20/02 Affair lasted 2 1/2 years. OM sexual predator 12+ prior affairs. Wife had suppressed sexual abuse/rape issues she hid.

Life gives us us sorrow so we can have something to measure happiness with.


Posts: 6152 | Registered: Feb 2004
Laura28
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Have been checking the news and am so glad Irene was not as bad as expected. I know it was still quite difficult for you and I'm sure very bad for some but from what I hear most got through OK.

stunned dad

After reading NJ's post I went looking for the thread. I also really appreciated your thoughts.

Thanks for coming back for a while. I hope you recover from your surgery quickly and well.

Nell and I both had EMDR. I decided to try it after about 9 months as I felt my emotional reaction to triggers was controlling my life. I felt I was just totally losing it (sobbing fits and rages every other day) and needed to get back my life!!!! I still have them (maybe once a month now) but am generally much better. I still feel quite sad at times and sometimes a little angry but nothing like before.

I feel it really helped me and think Nell does too.

Would be interested to hear your thoughts. Please don't hesitate to be critical of the therapy if this is how you feel. I liked what you said on the other thread so much I think perhaps your thoughts on this would also be useful.

HUGS to all the tribe.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope all are well... I was coming back from my trip and saw this in the newspaper... So true... so true.

People often overlook rest of marriage vows
By Steven Kalas Aug. 28, 2011

One of the consequences of being a former priest is that I've likely attended more weddings than you. Waaay more.
At weddings, couples exchange vows. For better or worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. I won't have sex with anybody else, ever. To love and to cherish. Until death do us part.
You know the drill.

These are the vows. The traditional vows. The obvious expectations. The heartbeat of the marriage.

One of the consequences of being a marriage counselor for the past 27 years is that I've likely listened to more marital complaints than you have. Waaay more.

In marriage counseling, couples make fierce moral claims on another set of marriage vows. These vows are less obvious. These expectations lurk in the shadows of marriage. In fact, these vows tend not to become overtly stated until and unless they've been disappointed. Betrayed.

These are the Implicit Marriage Vows. You don't even know you've promised them. They hide between the lines of marriage ceremonies.

So, let's make these vows overt. Let's say them out loud.

I promise never to stop showing up for my own life. I promise not to become dull and boring. I promise to feed my brain, to nurture my own continued development as a person. I will learn. I will nurture a life of vitality, health and enthusiasm.

I promise to respect and encourage your life's calling -- your vocation. I know that will sometimes mean sacrifice. That we will pinch pennies, perhaps, while you return to school. That sometimes you will come home late. That sometimes you will be tired. I understand that I will not, in every day or every moment, be the center of your attention. I understand that loving me is not your only work in the world.

I promise never to love my job more than I love you. I will set limits. I will come home. I will regularly preserve my best energy to be with you, be present with you, play with you, make love to you, talk with you and listen to you. The president of the United States during thermonuclear exchange is not too busy to call the spouse and say "I love you." I will never be more important than that. I will never be too busy to remind you once each day that you are cherished and loved.

I promise to embrace your family. I promise to respect and support their love for you, and your love and familial duty to them. I will never ask you to choose between me and them. I may not like all of them, but they are family, and therefore deserve my respect. I hope we can make sport of the nuttier members of your family on the way home, just to blow off steam. But, to their face and in their company, they will have my every patience and decorum.

I promise that I will never put my family ultimately before my marriage. I know you will never ask me to choose between them and you. But, should any member of my family ever ask me, in word or deed, to choose between them and you, I promise to choose you. I will set limits with my family. I will have the strength to tell my mother "No."

I promise to treat you with warm courtesy and decorum. "Please ... Thank you ... Excuse me ... Can I help you? ... After you." There is no excuse for me to speak to you with chronic impatience in my voice. Littler excuse still to speak to you with disdain or scorn. I promise you the best of my civility, the best of my good manners.

I promise I will sometimes be moody and pissy and have not the slightest idea why. When I'm like this, I promise I will overlook any or all of the above mentioned promises. I will "forget myself." I will leave both you and myself looking for The Other Me. The Best of Me. My Better Self. If it means anything to you, I promise that, when I come to my senses, I will have the common decency to be greatly embarrassed by my lowlife, entitled behavior, and to ask your forgiveness.

See, nobody ever says these things out loud during a wedding. But, I promise you, it gets really loud a few years in, when spouses fail to make good on these same vows.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell... I wish you well with your decision. You are a good woman and maybe this change can bring you some real peace.

And me, not so good right now. My wife and I shared some of our feelings last night. She believes she may be clinically depressed. She is not happy in her job and unhappy about our kids going off to school. She is not happy about living so far from her mom, dad, and family. The choices made in her life she regrets. She often just thinks about getting in her car and driving away from it all. And now, throw in all the “pressure” I place on her to guide her so I can fulfill my own happiness. Mostly sex issues with us, the love of touch one way, I love to touch her, but she really does not love to touch me. And yet, she seeks no professional advice because “she knows” what they will say, Leave me.

She just doesn’t have that, “I want to hug you so tight feeling” about me. She has yet to get the romance back for me. She told me last night how she wants me to have that and I deserve it. I asked her to try and change but she told me that I am trying to change her. I told her change is good if it is good change. I strongly believe a good marriage has romance in it at some level. I have romantic feelings for her but she doesn’t for me.

It’s not really the number, but honestly, I could have sex a few times each week. She sometimes has bad feelings about making love to me on a regular bases. It’s obligatory sex to her. She says I get mad when she says, “No”. Yes, I have before, but reality is that is extremely rare. Too me, what is so unreasonable about 30-60 minutes of enjoying each others bodies a couple times a week? With some good feelings behind it all.

I am afraid either I am mis-guided about what is healthy relationships, a bid too greedy in what I want, or still having issues with my wife betraying me giving something that belonged to me away. Just a bit confused right now. This is going to be our downfall. She told me last night, if I need that, go get it. This issue I am afraid is going to doom my M.

I have read maybe 25 books about love, marriage, sex, forgiveness, and infidelity. I have read 10,000’s of post here on SI. I have been through IC and MC. I went to over 24 hours of intense meetings at Retrouvaille. I have personally tried as hard as I can to act on everything I have learned. The results are that we have a very good relationship in so many areas of our lives. Yet, unhappiness still is within her soul, and at times mine too.

What is amazing is that we don’t have financial issues, we have kids that are doing well, our families get along, we like each other’s company, yet, the betrayal just has damage us both. The ugliness of infidelity is beyond what so many people think in our world.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:07 AM, August 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - Thank you for posting that article. What great advice! I have copied it and sent it to my married children - I hope they share it with their spouses too.
Now let me say how sorry I am that you and your W are going through this rough period. You have certainly done more than any FBS has done to not only work on the M but to work on yourself to become a better man. Your W's depression is getting in the way of her recovery and of your progress in the M.
Will she consider seeking help with meds and/or C'ing to help her through this period? I would think her depression is the main problem in her sex drive right now. I know you have mentioned so many times how she doesn't think she can benefit (since she was a psych major if my memory is correct) but even the therapists see therapists!!
Our MC was also a sex therapist. I often thought of seeking his help in this area too since my own drive has suffered as a result of my H's LTA and his recent health issues.
From a personal viewpoint I can say that when I feel that my H is pressuring me to have sex (which in reality is not the case ) I tense up but when the mood strikes me I am much more inclined to initiate and enjoy our time together. I only tell you this in case it helps you in your approach to your W. It may not be the case here but I wanted to give you my personal experience in my own M.
(((Tryn))) Your W loves you greatly - of this I am sure!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:47 AM, August 29th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

When my W went through menopause there was lack of desire for quite some time so I understand your feelings even if menopuase is not a factor in your situation. No, you are not being greedy. Like you I would get those A related thoughts. I think all of us BSs have a sarcastic spot in our brain that says "I am sure glad I stayed for this shit!" You are correct. Infidelity is so damn ugly and many people just do not have any idea how ugly it can be. Hang in there tryn.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been very introspective during the past week... most of it, WH has been sitting at his computer so no problem avoiding talking to him outside MC (which sounds like a good idea, in theory, but has never gone well in practice). But this weekend I was Very Busy Doing Things and he noticed and got angry about it. Confronted me last night with a request to know "what is in my heart and mind." (Which feels more like a demand to me, something he wants but hasn't earned through actions that would make me feel safe enough to reveal what's in my heart and mind... though this is my view only and he sees it as wanting to get to know me, to feel intimate with me again. I get that.) Anyway, I said as little as I could honestly say, but was shocked when he stated that he is "working really hard" and "will keep working really hard" because I am "worth it, and our marriage is worth it." Okay... working really hard? Really? Interesting. (I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically.) I don't see it. I honestly don't see him working at anything other than his business idea. And sometimes reading from the Five Love Languages, and reminding me in three letters about our history (1996 through 2003) and looking at old photos and planning our "anniversary celebration" out of town (which was a lot of work, over several days). I'm non-plussed. Is that his definition of working really hard? What am I missing?

Enough about me. I've seen footage of flooding. Hope it isn't affecting the tribe or loved ones. And if it did, that there was flood insurance! Floods are AWFUL and the cleanup is massive and backbreaking. Thoughts out to everyone on the East Coast.

tryn,
I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a quagmire. Your FWW really needs to get over herself and find a therapist. She just does.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to hear our East Coaster's are safe.

I know I don't post much but I read all the time. I'm looking for an answer that I don't know I can find.

FWW has been doing most things right since TT ended. There have been several screw ups but as far as I know she has maintained NC. She has been doing a lot of work on herself and has made some real strides. I'm just stuck on something.

I've been wrestling with thoughts of FWW deciding to go back to OM. She has made no indication of this but then, she lied to me for years and I didn't know it either

I've also had a close friend go through a similar betrayal, though not infidelity, and it just makes me wonder how much I should invest in this. Then today FWW says "is there anything I can be doing to help?" Well I said no. It will just take time. The real truth is all I can think of is I want her to know what to do. To be so sincerely appreciative of being given a second chance and making me feel like her KISA for doing so. There is just no romantic feelings in me because deep down inside I feel like she is only going to do what she is told and nothing else. Years ago before the A she knew how to make me feel special, now it's like she doesn't even know what to do without being given strict instruction. She has never been overly emotional to others but she used to be able to show her emotions to me (somewhat). Now it's like she is just waiting around to put out any fires that pop up and not going to proactively do anything. Maybe it's just me being in a funk but it's really beginning to eat at me. I don't want to have to explain to her what I want her to do and how I want her to feel about me like she used to and allow that love to show itself. I'm just really really tired of all of this and I need to give my brain and emotions a few weeks off (if only I could).


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Jollum,
I've been wrestling with thoughts of FWW deciding to go back to OM.

I think she can help you. She needs to do everything desirable. These help. The problem is that they are not always easy to do.


These are Desire Builders

- Affirmation. She needs to make an effort every day to say things and/or do things that can make you feel important to her, compliments, thanks, encouragement, kindness, and praise. You are the only man forever.
- Positive attitude. She needs to stay positive that you are going to have a good marriage from now on.
- “Present and Future” Focused. She needs to share today and plan forward. Try not to bring up the past failings of your relationship.
- Communication. She needs to open up communication and share her feelings, her needs, her wants.
- Cooperative attitude. She needs to listen and act on things you need and want.
- Forgiveness. She needs to forgive herself, forgive you when you make mistakes and say the wrong things.
- Affection. She can be connected by spending time with other you, nurturance buy taking care of you, Playing with you and having fun, reject others that offend you, succorance by being helping or protecting you from others.
- Positive “self Talk”. She can love herself.
- Change. She can be willing to make changes to herself and improve herself to meet some needs you have.
- Reliability. She can be there when you need her to be their for whatever function, money, etc.
- Romance. She can work hard at loving you in a physical way.
- Prayer. She can say a prayer for you.

My Rabbit hole… My W took the Retro but still forgets what to do. I show her my list but something always seems to be missing at some point. Am I missing what all she does do? Am I not paying attention to my W and all she does do for me? Being desirable is hard.

Nell, was your H always like this since the day you married? Change is hard and some people won't. This is my issue. My W does not want to change for me. "That Pressure" is so hard for me to understand. I am not asking but maybe once or twice a week. I think she has initiated once or twice this year.

Anyways.. here is a chart because my W said I have too much Testosterone.

more from this same site...

Infidelity
•Infidelity has been found to be the single most cited cause of divorce in over 150 cultures. (Betzig, 1989)
•In western countries, between 25 and 50% of divorcees cite a spouse’s infidelity as the primary cause of the divorce. (Kelly, 1987; Amato, 1997)
•Approximately 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. (Laumann, 1994; Wiederman, 1997)
•Pregnancy appears to be a time of increased risk of extramarital sex. (Allen, 2005; White, 1982)
•Women are less approving than men of sexual justifications for extramarital affairs, preferring emotional reasons such as “falling in love”. (Glass, 1992).
•Approximately 50% of divorced men and women reported that there former spouse had engaged in extra-marital sex. For divorced couples, previous participation in extramarital sex showed no effect on post-marital adjustment. (Spanier, 1982).
•11% of adults who have ever been married or cohabited have been unfaithful to their partner (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
•Infidelity is influenced by many social and demographic factors. All of the following were associated with an increased risk of infidelity: having been part of a couple for a long time; having had a high number of prior sex partners; being male or black; living in a central city; and thinking about sex several times a day (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
•Respondents who reported that their relationships were "pretty happy" and "not too happy" were two and four times more likely, respectively, to have reported extramarital sex than respondents who reported that they were "very happy" with their relationships (Atkins et al., 2001).
•More than 80% of women and 65 to 85% of men report that they had no partners other than their spouse while they were married (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
•94% of married men and women had only one sex partner (their spouse) in the past 12 months, 4% had 2-4 partners, and 1% had over 5 partners (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:31 PM, August 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
imwideawake
♀ Member
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ya all. I've been lurking down here a bit. I'm not certain how this section exists, but I think I'm ready to be here. My WS had a 2 yr affair with a massage client. He worked from home, so when me and the kids were gone they had sex in my house. I homeschooled my girls and left often when he worked so to give everyone peace. I have yet to post my whole story because she could see she still could hurt my family. I don't think she would look here. I need to say it all.


Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 875 | Registered: Mar 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The real truth is all I can think of is I want her to know what to do. To be so sincerely appreciative of being given a second chance
Jollum, this is a huge part of why I just couldn't get over and R with my FWH. I really don't think that he would sleep with another woman, but he's so passive in how he responded to DDay. In fact, when I look back on it and from what he describes of his relationship with OW, he was pretty passive there too. I told him over and over that I needed for him to be GRATEFUL that I hadn't kicked his a$$ to the curb on DDay and instead he complained about how I didn't appreciate all he was doing to "change." He spent months after DDay shifting blame, making excuses and trying to feel better about himself, all at my expense. After a while, I started to heal on my own and slowly but surely feelings of love and even affection melted away.

Tryn - I am so sorry to hear about the rough patch that you and your FWW have hit. I get so frustrated with depressed people that won't get help. The right therapy (IC, meds, etc.) can make such a huge difference. I have seen it in myself and in others and despite my medical background, I still need help each and every day to battle depressing thoughts. Depression is just not something you can "think" your way out of. It is a chemical problem, not a thinking problem. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she will see the light.

Awake - I don't know how long ago your DDay was but you are welcome here. Vent as you need to and know that this is a safe place.

Nell - sending hugs your way. I have no words to ease your journey, just know that I'm thinking about you.

Honest, Miracle...everyone okay?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
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Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
I agree with what Strongish said about your wife needing to reach out for help for her depression.
I don't know why so many have trouble with idea of seeing a therapist or getting meds if they need them but... it is an issue for many people.
I know that IC and meds were what saved my life and my sanity!
Hopefully, if she gets some help your wife be able to look at life differently.
Realize how grateful she should be for all that she does have as opposed to focusing on what was lost.
Here she has a chance for a new marriage...a second chance to get it right...

Wideawake-
welcome..you are safe here to tell your story.
I for one certainly understand that need.
After d-day I told everyone about the LTA. I think I was walking around in shock for weeks afterward...still not believing that my husband had done this...and so I told my story to everyone.
So I understand your need to tell your story.

Jollum-sorry that you are in a funk...its that emotional roller coaster.It really does take a long time to get over all of this.

Tryin's chart made me realize that my FWH has been doing 11 out of the 12 Desire Builders. The only one that he can use some help with is communication... the others he does all the time.
Guess that is why R is going well?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,
Me, too! Me, too! Yay! Oh, crap. Boo.

tryn,

Nell, was your H always like this since the day you married?

Yes, looking back I think so. It's weird and creepy to all of a sudden think... oh, THAT's what that was?! Huh. Didn't realize I was feeding into KISA/co-dependent crap there. Oops.

Desirables (WH)
Affirmation: occassionally... especially when he feels me pulling away. (Push-pull. Is this affirmation or manipulation?)
Positive attitude: No
“Present and Future” Focused: No
Communication: No.
Cooperative attitude: Nope.
Forgiveness: Not sure. Wants my forgiveness. Gives me forgiveness back when I forgive him first. Don't know what to call that. Tit for tat?
Affection: Likes to have fun with me. Protects me? Not so much.
Positive “self Talk": He struggles with that.
Change: No.
Reliability: No.
Romance: Meh.
Prayer: No.

stunned-dad and wideawake, greetings!

Hello to all!

I need to find a better-paying job. *groan* Too much change. Makes my tummy hurt.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baby steps Nell...baby steps. You don't have to have all the answers to all the issues you're facing. When you make a big decision, give yourself permission to "slack off" on making any major choices for a short while. I'm not joking when I tell you that I "reward" myself after I stand up for myself and do what I know is right for me, even when it's not popular with others. Many of us are so used to putting our own needs/wants/desires on the back burner that it's hard to actually put ourselves first for once. I'm not talking about being selfish, I'm talking about respecting yourself enough to stand up for what you REALLY want out of your M and your life. Listen to your gut. It rarely lies.

{{{NEll}}}


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I have so much work to do but popped in for a quick look.

Tryn I've seen your list of desire builders before but I really READ it today and thought about it after Nell and NJ did their audits.

So I did one for FWH and I

FWH

- Affirmation. He makes an effort every day to say things and/or do things that can make feel important - compliments, kindness, and praise. YES and Swears he will never cheat again.
- Positive attitude. Yes
- “Present and Future” Focused. Yes
- Communication. He needs to open up communication and share his feelings, his needs, his wants. Sort of - he resists talking about feelings during the As
- Cooperative attitude. He needs to listen and act on things you need and want. Yes
- Forgiveness. He needs to forgive himself, forgive me when I make mistakes and say the wrong things. Sort of - he forgives me but I make it hard for him to forgive himself
- Affection. Yes
- Positive “self Talk”. No
- Change. Yes
- Reliability. Yes
- Romance. Yes
- Prayer. No

Me

- Affirmation. I need to make an effort every day to say things and/or do things that can make him feel important to me, compliments, thanks, encouragement, kindness, and praise. You are the only man forever. Not enough
- Positive attitude. I need to stay positive that we are going to have a good marriage from now on. Not enough
- “Present and Future” Focused. I needs to share today and plan forward. Try not to bring up the past failings of our relationship. No
- Communication. I need to open up communication and share my feelings, my needs, my wants. Yes- all the time
- Cooperative attitude. I need to listen and act on things he needs and wants. Yes - I'm good at this
- Forgiveness. I need to forgive myself, forgive him when he makes mistakes and says the wrong things. I'm good at forgiving me but struggling to forgive him - for the As
- Affection. I can be connected by spending time with him, nurturance, buy taking care of him, Playing with him and having fun, reject others that offend him, succorance by being helping or protecting him from others. Mostly
- Positive “self Talk”. I can love myself. Yes
- Change. I can be willing to make changes to myself and improve myself to meet some needs he has. Yes
- Reliability. I can be there when he needs me to be their for whatever function, money, etc. Yes
- Romance. I can work hard at loving him in a physical way. I try - f...in menopause!
- Prayer. She can say a prayer for you. No

Maybe I'm the one who needs to try harder?????

Anyway. You made me think again honey. Have I called you a nag lately? Thanks for all your posts on this page. Really interesting stuff esp the infidelity and sexual frequency stats.

Dip

Menopause stuffed up my hormones big time and still does. I wish there was a magic bullet.

I hope all you fellas know just HOW SHITTY menopause is for us gals. Let me shout it again. MENOPAUSE IS SHITTY - just in case you didn't hear me the first time. I HATE my hormones!!!!!! So be kind to us old ladies while our bodies let us down.

Awake

Welcome

Sometimes I think that we are all a little nutty on here so let lose - vent, advise - even post a chart or pic or two!!! Share your story. I used to be paranoid about the OWs or FWH reading here and then thought - I don't give a shit if they do. .

So if any of the nurses who fucked my FWH are reading this - he threw you under a bus and now you'll get old and grey and lonely without him (or any man I hope)

It's my life, these are my friends and I don't care what you know or think!!!!

Hi to everyone else. I'm so glad to know you survived Irene.

Love to all

Laura

Edited heaps to add afterthoughts

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:33 AM, August 30th (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday I went into full communication mode...

Hey Sweetie,

This was the article I read coming home yesterday.
http://www.lvrj.com/living/people-often-overlook-rest-of-marriage-vows-128550938.html?ref=938

Your life should not be about you “not wanting to hurt me”. Your life is about you. T, you are a good woman. You are interesting, fun, pretty, nice, giving, thoughtful, and very hard worker.

You know, I have come to learn that pain is part of life. Sure, I still feel some hurt, but it is less and less with every day. It was my time in life to know what real mental pain is. I know I am a better man today having gone through it, and that is the good that came from it. I expect more pain to follow in my life too.

I have this posted in my office by Elizabeth Gilbert and trying to live by it. "Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

You need to know that every choice I make in my life is for me. It not complicated, I am going to ask for sex and romance because it gives me good feelings and sex give me happiness. And with that said, you are not ever obligated to love me with touch. When you don’t want to be loved this way, or want to love me this way, say No. You must achieve confidence within your own soul to do what you need for your own good feelings and happiness. All I can promise is to try and somehow control my own emotions, and make good choices that will keep me satisfied. If you cannot agree with that, then I can listen and maybe agree to something different.

You are depressed, so I said a prayer for you to have courage and strength to seek what you need to fix it.

I still choose to love you and my good feelings for you are intense.

Your husband, lover and friend,
Dave

And my W came home with a self help book about life. Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting : The Astonishing Power of Feelings
Then, we had the most romantic evening in a heck of a long time.

And yes, I can only try and encourage her to seek help.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:54 AM, August 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi LTAers,

And yet, she seeks no professional advice because “she knows” what they will say, Leave me.

That sounds like some pretty fuzzy logic, since I can't imagine any half competent professional advising that based on what I've read. I think everyone is right - that's her depression speaking and she needs to get help.

FNF!!! Hi. Long time no see. How are you?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
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