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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to everyone. I missed you. Took me a few hours to catch up and now can't retain much

I was without power from Sunday to late Tues. night and then the hot water heater overflowed (I guess from no power) and an inch of water in the basement. What fun! Tree down in the backyard which broke a fence, but otherwise ok. I had my mother, mother's friend and friend's daughter here as evacuees. That was also fun

I feel like I've been very sick and incapable of doing anything proactive for 2 years, just surviving, and now am slowly starting to revive. So much to do, so much to get in order. It's easy to feel overwhelmed.

Hugs again to all, and welcome to the newbies. This is a wonderful place to be.

Nell, my thoughts are with you. Take your time with your decision, you have all the time in the world. It's about YOU now.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story short, MC did not go well, I "slept" on the couch last night, WH's attitude in MC was the same as always but possibly more aggressive, and I am completely without any feelings at all toward him or our M except profound sadness. Result: WH pledged "to work harder" and we're going back to MC next week. Feels like the death throes of this relationship to me. I will be lining up my remaining ducks and watching WH closely.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, just a thought, are you feeling depressed in general, or are the feelings you are having specific to the M and WH?

I think going to MC for a while more might at least help you more in your healing and help you clarify your thoughts and feelings as to what direction to take. Are you in IC for yourself?
{{{{Nell}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, honest.

No, I'm not depressed in general. My sadness about my M is affecting my attitude, but it's not clinical depression. Just sadness. Yes, I am seeing IC. She is helpful. I think I'm just coming to obvious conclusions, and they're not the happily-ever-after, just-gotta-work-a-little-harder ones I want.

This marriage isn't literally killing me, but it is sucking everything good out of me. And MC just put a stamp on it. "Yep, this is your reality, Nell." I really actually do have to do something that I don't want to do, because I have run out of other options.

It is what it is. Unfortunately.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shell: yes those worlds we visit are exhausting, in way more ways then we could ever dream...between our hearts, our heads (brain and mind)...it all just hurts...whether its because it hurts because of our loss, or it hurts to even think anymore...it all just sucks.....

the good news is that it does get better....not better that it goes away at least not for a while...and lots depends on whether or not you are reconcilling, or still in the sich of living together or divorcing...those that divorce...its a bit easier because it takes some pressure off, it takes that limbo feeling out of the equation...you know its over and its much easier to deal with absolutes then with maybe this and maybe that, kwim.....

and even for peeps like me who will divorce eventually...its exhausting because as much as i know its not a real marriage anymore i am still living with the man who broke my heart, i still have to listen to his voice, watch his inactions, tolerate much of his shit...he really does need to be scooped in a pooper scooper...but alas no such luck...so i am stuck with his shit....but it is easier still because i know that i will eventually be free...

anyways in my way long winded way...lots depends on the individual and the sich


lostsuol...

first....met with some of our regular lta crew irl yesterday...turns out that several of us live not too too far from each other, some closer then others...and its awesome...si comes to life...

second: i am so sorry that you are still in so much pain...both physical and emotional....

would it help if you started to change your perspective of your reality....lower your expectations to a doable level and finally maybe look into some emdr to help you with your dreams and your triggers....none of what we have to go through as a result of this shit is easy or has a clear road, we sometimes have to try new different roads til we get a destination that we could live with comfortably..


nell: sounds like its a slow tortuous death....but please take care of yourself and dont' lose "yourself" in the process...its really important that you take time for yourself and pamper yourself with whatever brings you happiness separate from your kids....some solid "me time"....go for some extra hot yoga...anything that makes YOU feel good


and remember "it is what it is" AND "it will become what we make it to be"

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant,
I know what you mean, seems I am tired no matter what I do. This crap exhausts me completely.

We are still living together but it's limbo for now. Tried to tell him there won't be a lot of time here to make a decision because I will not live like this for too long.

I read your profile, ((((hugs)))), don't know how you are doing it, but we do a lot for our kids don't we?

All 3 of my adult children are aware of the situation and it is tearing them up! I don't know how to help them, keep teeling them that when this ends no matter which way everyone will be better for it. Hope I am right


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

I'm in a bad place right now. I don't want to get into specifics, and God knows I'm still luckier than most, but I'm just trying to keep my head about water and I suspect that FWH has found my username and has seen some of my venting here on SI. He is angry that I said that I want a D and is making sure that he knows that I've torn him down to other people. It may be that I'm reading too much into it, but I just can't take the drama and his accusations of how I've been so unforgiving.

We went around and around again...same arguments, different day and I'm too tired to keep at it. I have made several requests of him regarding D settlement and the ball is now in his court but I'm not holding my breath. In his opinion he's already done so much more than I had a right to expect. So.....we're once again at the same impasse.

Because I suspect he has seen my posts here or knows my username, I will not be signing on much anymore. I will miss "talking" with you all. You have given me more support and love than most of my family/friends IRL and that has meant the world to me. I'll still lurk, but won't have much to say.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: i too have a ws who reads here, knows my username...the pm feature is a godsend...USE IT with any of us or all of us.....and dont let the man bully you....


(((((strong)))))

remember its not forever, there will be an ending somewhere along the line that will bring you peace

shell: i have read your profile too...it seems to me that your ws is having it all and having it all his way sort of...obviously his real way would be for you to never have found out...he obviously does not want to lose the marriage or he would have been gone...so he wants the marriage and he wants her from what you posted....even if its not physical anymore it is still contact.....

and remember you only know his side of the story and he is a liar, a really good liar, academy award caliber....all of our ws's are.....

i love that you are working on becomming stronger, i love that you seem to have this tremendous hold on reality...not easy to do when your reality or what you thought was your reality has been torn to shreds...so kudos....

and yes we do what we have to do when it comes to our kids....but there are limits there too....my ws, (pfm) knows that if he crosses one too many boundaries or pushes me to a point he is done and out....which is something he claims he does not want....i know he wants to stay married but he is not willing to do what it takes or more simply is not capable of doing what is necessary....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, September 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Strong,
I am pretty sure after a LTA, your H must be able to take his nose rubbed in his own shit. If he cannot, then he really is not a good enough man to R. He does not have that ability to R.

How different would it have been for him to say…”I found your post on SI. I am sorry. I wish I could free you from all your pain and hurt. I am so sorry. I want a second chance and I will choose to love you, be faithful, be the H you deserve.”

Him getting mad at you is about bullying. He his protecting his own ego.

Good luck Strong.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:10 AM, September 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong, I second both miracle and tryn. I would miss having you here. Check in from time to time, if nothing else. We could come up with secret LTA code language through PMs. "The crow flies at midnight" and such.

Hurt my ankle yesterday, so no yoga for me this weekend. Boo! But I am meeting a friend for coffee this afternoon, so yay!

Nell out. Happy long weekend, American LTAers!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Saturday Morning All!

We are home this long holiday weekend (Canada) so I'll be in and out but I wanted to send supportive hugs before p.50 ends.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant,
I believe he thought he was on top, keeping everyone in the dark. But he really isn't as smart or as sneaky as he had thought.

He is living in the TV room, he's not thrilled with that but I don't care what he's thrilled with. I tild him I don't care if they are only "friends" or not, that any relationship with her was inappropiate and a marriage didn't have room for 3 people. That he best get to deciding what his priorities were while he still had a chance. And that I deserve better and will have better than this crap!

He still has no idea that I have already contacted an attorney, which helped me a great deal to know I WILL make it through this.

And I have to say he's getting worse at the lies, keeps tripping his self up, lol. And the more I keep my cool the more it shakes him up.

I am taking the next 2 weeks before our trip with youngest DD and just work on me and what I want. When we get back he will have the choice of meeting what I want or facing the D papers.

The more lies and the more he tries to blame-shift, the stronger he makes me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week-end.


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is fathers day in my part of the world.

Started ok then ww left for her usual sunday meet. She knows i wasnt happy about this...well fuck it i'm done & dusted.
Tomorrow nite its decide time - stay for the right reasons or if your so happy being om whore then leave. The kids & i will be fine without you. You left the leave marriage the family our children for what...?
If this prick is so fucking special then go ahead loose your husband, your marriage, your family, your kids, your house...loose fucking everything from the last 20 years.
I'm also telloing her that her mother knows that'll piss her off as well.
And for thosecwondering im just waiting for the PI to gove his report then its onto tell om wife. Carnage ahead or is it karma...i just want a real life again.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

I am so sorry honey. I thought about posting earlier to ask if she stayed in. Kept hoping either or both her and OM would have the decency to stay home on Father's Day.

I am so so sorry.

If this prick is so fucking special

He's not honey. He's a piece of crap!!!!

I can't wait for you to tell his wife. I feel so sorry for her - her whole world is about to implode and she doesn't know it's coming.

But I would love to be there when she confronts him. I hope she throws everything including the kitchen sink at him.

These selfish idiots have no concept of the carnage their crap causes.

I would love the honour of telling her what I think of her!!!!!! When the time is right I could pm you a letter and you could print and give it to her. Silly bitch!!!!!

HUGS DP

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep-
So sorry that you are going though this now.
Your WW is in such a deep fog. I do not understand any mother that would risk losing her children for a married OM.
Please don't wait too long. Out the affair to everyone! Tell the OM's wife, tell your MIL, tell any siblings that your WW has, tell your family.
Keeping an affair a secret allows it to grow in secret.

In my case... the MOW was a serial cheater. Had been cheating on her BH for 30 yrs! He found out about her first LTA 30 yrs earlier but IMHO he tried to protect her reputation and his etc. by keeping it all hush,hush. He never outted the affair. He took her back, reconciled and never bothered to check to see if what she said was true-that the OM left the job-he never did..they worked together for 30 more yrs and had an on again/off again thing...she had other affairs...and of course the most recent was with my FWH.

Once you have the information from the PI-out the affair. I have a feeling that her fog will lift very quickly when she sees the reaction of others to her sleazy beahvior.

Happy Father's Day! You are a great dad. I hope you do something fun with your children today.You deserve a nice day.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeppurple.. Your W has been trespassing on OMW for a while now. Your W is just not a good woman. She needs this wake-up call in life. Who knows what will happen, but I believe this is good for you. You do not deserve to be a doormat. She and OM may decide to be a couple. That’s OK DP because it will be easier for her to take that route. It will never change the fact that she broke her promise to God, to you, her kids, other family and friends. It was never about you, although I am sure she will place all the blame on you. You have something I do not. You had the patient and courage to take things step by step. It’s great you made your move when you had stability in your employment and showed me someone who is cunning and crafty. I probably would have taken my ship down to the bottom of the ocean in disaster. I wish I more of those strong characteristics like you. Anyway, I hope you peace in the near future.

Lostsoul... “Our Masks are what prevent us from experiencing real intimacy with our spouse. Masks are not bad but they do prevent my spouse from seeing the real me. We wear our Masks all of the time. "How do I take my Mask off so my spouse can see the real me?"”
What are you afraid of Lostsoul? In fear last week, I told my W I still hurt and still am not secure. She responded with, “I know.” I fear she will leave me. I fear that I won’t find a woman who I can be attracted to, and she attracted the same way to me. I fear these things too ya know. I fear my W may cheat on me again too. I fear the hurt I went through.

But that fear is only a piece of me. I have some courage too. I will jump into the cold water and shock my soul. I don’t care if I’m 55 years old, 60 or 70. I will search for a different way of doing things. I will leave my W if I am being treated with undesirables. I might land up in a worse situation, but I am will do it just to see. I have a belief that I might just be OK too.

So, where the heck am I? My life is not so bad today. My W took this yesterday while float'n down the river… LOL

It's funny how just out smarting a fish give me one of the greatest pleasures within my soul.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:27 AM, September 4th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp,
I am so sorry that you have to make this decision. I'm also so very angry at your WW's poor decisions and destructive, hurtful behaviors. She is not being a good person, wife, mother, friend or family member. I, too, am at a cross-roads and need to make a decision. I've been stuck here far too long.

Laura,
How's it going, honey?

lostsuol,
I have told WH over and over that he does not make it safe for me to reveal anything about myself. When I say something that makes me vulnerable (like "I am having trouble with X" or "I am sad and empty") and he responds defensively ("You're wrong about X" or "You are keeping yourself from being happy/I am doing a lot of stuff that should make you happy"), then he teaches me that he doesn't care to see behind the mask; he prefers the mask because his life is easier with the mask in place. So he gets the mask. It's not my responsibility to lay myself open to him, knowing that his reactions will bring me more hurt. He has not done the work that will make my taking off the mask safe; therefore, it stays on. And that's HIS problem, not mine. I'm reacting in a self-protective manner. That's my situation only. YMMV.

(Hey! I've never used YMMV before! Yay for me!!!)

tryn,
Nice fish! You look very happy. My "happy place" is on the water... not fishing, though.

I had a good talk with my friend yesterday; she was trying to brainstorm ways to shock WH out of his complacency... again, just as in MC, I just kept thinking "tried it," "didn't work," and "not worth the effort." Not good, my friends. Not good.

WH did get his folder of stuff from MC out after our session on Thursday. And suggested that we invite some people over tomorrow for a BBQ. That is all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish: Keep posting here. Vent, let out your feelings, and if WH sees it, it might wake him up even more to the truth.

Deep Purple: I applaude you. You were able to stay and get a job and stability for yourself and your children and now are ready to do what needs to be done. I pray that all goes well for you. Please keep us updated. {{{{Deep}}}}

Tryn: I love the pic!!! Fear and pain have become a part of us. They are deep scars that may have healed, but can be reopened again. Sometimes the scars heal, but there is still infection and pain beneath.

Keep in mind, that the healing and true acceptance takes a long time. It took me over 4 years to really start to heal from my first xWH and that was a short term affair of a few months and he left immediately without any attempt to save the M. It still hurts sometimes when I think of it. I still love the man he WAS. I don't know who he is today.
Which makes me think of you, Allgood and Strongish. xWH left, but no TT, etc. We treated each other with respect and cooperation after the D. I have full acceptance, and actually true forgiveness to xWH. (took MANY years: more than 10 +) I knew that I did everything in my power to try to save the M, so I am at peace with that. I believe that you also will be at peace someday. Hopefully, if your stbxWHs continue to be respectful and cooperative (with children) you can go on and be at peace.

September is here, and I'm so much on a school schedule, it feels like a new year that is beginning. Carefree summer days are over and the real work must begin.

{{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - poppin my head in to say Hi. Missed you guys. Sorry to see that times have been tough for so many over the past week - especially Tryn & Deep.

((Tribe))

Back from vacationing with 4 kids on my own which included traveling through the path of destruction left by Hurricane Irene which caused all known routes to my destination to be closed & an unexpected overnight stay in Mahwah NJ as a result.
I picked up the commute the next day only to get re-routed again due to flooding and further delays. Kids seemed to recover from commuting with me under such circumstances & had a great time once we got to our destination. I was happy to watch them. Couldn't do much myself due to the overwhelming 24/7 attention needed by the little diva.
Ride home was smooth until my brain flatlined on me & took the wrong route home - corrected the mistake within 10 miles tho. (Would've been less of a detour if I hadn't delayed calling the x for help.) Then of course someone's got to pee and we have to pull over.
Then, my 11 year old tries to sleep on the car ride home & turns himself around so many times while trying to get comfy that he gets himself caught up in his seatbelt & can't get out. I pull over to the side of this ginormous hwy to deal with it & I can't get him out. He spent 40 min like that til I could get home. Couldn't find a way to get him out & had to cut my seat belt to get him out.

O the trials & tribulations of my life. I swear. I am now of the mind that I should expect absolutely nothing to go as planned. Murphy's Law. That's my life it seems.

So, x hasn't seen the kids since Mon am. He has a bbq to go to today & he just asked me if the kids want to go. I guess I have to make it super clear to him that he IS taking the kids so I can recuperate from all this drama!!!

(Sigh)
Off to the skatepark.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:16 AM, September 4th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support tribe.

Tryin nice fish.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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