I think talking to others in the same boat might help us recognize where we're stuck and possibly how to make a choice one way or the other.
While WS sits on the fence, I fence with the truth and wonder if I should pull up the stakes and cut loose.
WS decided he was unhappy but neglected to let me know so we could work on our issues. Instead, he brought OW into the picture and now he has way more issues to deal with.
Three's a crowd and I'm tired. I wish he would make up his mind so we all could get on with our lives.
I hesitate to throw in the towel because I really rather R than D, but he can't seem to let her go.
I know actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me our M is doomed.
I try to rationalize that he is having a MLC and that it's all about him and not our M but it's hard to continue to love someone who is so disrespectful as to continue an A while telling MC that he wants to commit to M.
I feel so lost. I have lost all my core values (truth,respect,honesty,family,joy). My family has been torn apart; there is no honesty, truth or respect, and I have no joy.
I gave this man over 30 years of my life and this is what I get - limbo!
So it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, praying for a better tomorrow.
D-day was 1.5 years ago.
She stopped seeing OM. Other than that, no changes. She still refuses MC. I'm still sleeping in the guest room.
We co-parent our kids and have sex once or twice a month. Other than that, we have no relationship. No companionship. No partnership. No emotional intimacy.
I am bitter and lonely.
CD- are you in IC at all? When MrH had his 1A, he claimed I was too controlling, so I was too afraid to ask for NC (not that I knew what that was at the time). Then, when he had the 2A two kids and nearly 8yrs later, I asked for it, but gave it a time limit of three months. He agreed, but of course took the A underground. It wasn't until I got to the point that I'd rather be on my own than live through the misery of sharing my husband that xOW2 got out of the picture. What I learned from that is that there's no M when there's three people in it.
Though there is a site that advocates letting your WS stay in the A until they're sick of it (something like that anyhow), I felt it destroyed too much of me to wait. I felt like I paid in bits of my soul and heart. I'm reclaiming my soul, my heart still isn't fully alive.
JSN- that's the kind of limbo I was in after the 1A. It lead to the 2A because there was no healing, only rug sweeping. This time around he's been open and transparent, even done some work, but hasn't followed through and truly worked on his issues. That's part of why I'm in limbo. I'm afraid that if he doesn't take the time to work on himself, we'll go through this again.
That will be the last time. Kids or no kids, falling at my feet remorse or not, I won't live through this again. So until I've seen some insight in him, I keep what's left of my heart locked away.
That's why I call him MrH instead of fWH. Every time I was ready to add the F, I got trickle truth or a bent boundary. He hasn't really worked on himself. Heck, he registered here and never posted. He got mad when a mod asked me if it was ok for him to have an account and I said yes, it's not like he'll use it. And he didn't, as predicted. Apparently he has nothing to learn from the FWSs here.
I'm for the most part out of limbo. Just bidding my time until it's time to D.
Being in limbo is stressful and time-consuming. I was in it so long, I felt very immobil. I'm hoping I can help someone shed some light towards a direction.
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
The healthier side is winning, although I still haven't made any legal moves. I've been collecting documents and searching for a job. I'm still financially dependent on him & I would like the dignity of having a job when I leave. Is that wrong?
Hugs to everyone~
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Nearly every day DD asks if she can please homeschool until college. It makes me sad, but I know she'll flourish in school and it will give me the free time I need to take a few classes and become employable beyond the teaching I did pre-kids.
Otherwise, I'm not even at the ducks in a row stage. MrH is kind, loving, open. What he isn't is pro-active or insightful. He hasn't followed through on regular counseling or examined his personal issues. He believes that you just let things go. I can see issues from his past in his behavior, he thinks it's all B.S.
For me, I've finally found a wonderful IC that will help me stay or go. Most importantly, she's helping me care about who I am and build my faith. I'm back on ADs after really bad experiences with them a couple of years ago.
I've got so much to share that I don't feel like putting out in general, but I feel like I'm hogging the group already.
As for me, my typical response has been to run & hide and then stuff all of the feelings deep inside. All of which are unhealthy & cause serious problems in the long run. So, my tasks have been to unlearn codependency & to allow myself to feel and to process my feelings. In the end, I'm gaining strength and clarity and good health. When I leave I'll be much stronger and clearer than if I'd left impulsively 17 months ago.
Re: WHs' working their 'issues'. That has been a huge concern of mine as well. In my sitch (in my profile) my SAWH is in denial of his issues, which renders him incapable of working on ourissues. Because, you know, 'we' don't have issues. "I" (Sabina) have issues that make our M difficult- but *we* don't have issues.
Anyhow- I'll be happy to 'hog the thread' with you! LOL
Well she has graduated and I'm getting ready to take her to college in a month. So here I sit, my mind and my heart are still not in a good place. I'm scared, insecure, lonely, but I also think I'm ready to do this (maybe).
This is what I wanted all my life, a husband and kids and home for them to come home to. I thought we would be together when the marriages and babies of my kids happened. I loved being married...but not at the expense of my pride, self esteem and values. I just can't hold on to my fairy tale with what he has done.
I wish I could just erase the last 5 yrs of our lives..but I know that just doesn't happen. Its hard to trust someone whose job takes them away alot and they have betrayled you like my H has. If they don't have integrity, values and principles...a job like this is dangerous for the spouse, and my H didn't/doesn't have them.
H says he lost himself during that time. We were going through a rough period but when I would ask him what was going on he just said "I'm happy...its you". Well I wasn't happy but I was committed.
H nows tells me every morning "I love you and am totally committed to you" whether he is home or not I get that in person or text or ph. call. I think he should add "I promise to keep my zipper up also". I do believe he is trying but not in the way I need him to, but I've come to realize that its always been his way, I just loved him so much I tolerated it. Not anymore though.
So here I sit, my daughter told me tonight that she hopes when she leaves her family doesn't fall apart. She's an athlete on scholarship...again I dont want this to occupy her mind....but I do need to find some happiness in my life. Ughhhhhhhh thanks for listening...just writing this makes me feel better. See I told you guys I"M IN LIMBO!
Hope you don't mind if I share more of my story.
Yes,I have been in IC for
1 1/2 years. He was originally MC for us but WS walked out of our 2nd session so MC became IC for me. WS finally went for a few IC sessions in June and then we went for MC. We have agreed to waive confidentiality so our hot topics in IC can be shared in MC.
WS agreed to commit to M and end A with OW, become open, honest and transparent. However, none of those have happened in the past month.
Well, he did give me his passwords but he must have opened a new e-mail address as there are no messages in his old one. Everything has been deleted and no new messages.
He also has had opportunities to end A but has chosen not to.
I'm really torn as to what to do. My gut says one thing but heart hates to let go.
However, I am no longer undecided about what I want.
I made list after list of the pros and cons of leaving or staying, of reconciling or divorcing.
The most practical option for me is to stay, at least for now.
I have found a place of peace within myself for the most part.
I know that my situation wouldn't work for everyone, but it's working for me, whether it always will remains to be seen.
[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 2:04 AM, July 8th (Friday)]
I feel that's what I have but a large part of me is saying, "so what - too little too late".
He once asked me if I was staying around just until he got his act together - I didn't answer b/c I was afraid that may be the case.
I don't want to leave then regret it. But so far, I don't want to stay together. It's SUCH a lie when ppl think we are a great couple and comment on how loving we are!
Well, I was loving, for a time I had it all, emotionally. The issues didn't matter b/c we were there for each other.
So I guess it's not surprising he still thinks, in his words, "we just ARE".
But me? I think, well, we WERE. Then you chose to end it. All the rest is now just mimicry.
So I know I don't want anyone else. But that doesn't mean I want him.
Yup, I'm in limbo. No point in kicking him out if there is any chance of R. I just don't see much real love.
The sex is still pretty good, when I'm up for it, which is unpredictable even to me (I used to ALWAYS want it). But he may eventually stray as I just cannot face a bj. Too intimate with someone I don't think I know.
Or maybe I'm just now finally crazy, for real
Ah well life goes on. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
I'm really wishing for some wise words right now. Something to give insight and help towards peace.
I feel too screwed up for that. Half the time when I'm answering posts on the other boards I think M should be saved, the other half I think just leave the wanker.
BBW- that's pretty much where I am. MrH is very loving. It would've been great, just what I needed. Before the 2A even. Now, it's not enough. I look at him and think that's what I always deserved. I should've had 20yrs of this, now, I need more. And it seems like he's incapable.
The other thing is, I just keep feeling like letting go will say it's ok. I know people say that's not what I'm doing, but it feels like it is. Especially with him not doing the work on himself that I see in most of the FWSs here on SI.
Anyway, I am mostly like (neh), neither reconciling, separating, or divorcing.
My situation (I think) is fairly unusual in that due to FOO issues on WH's part, he is emotionally f-ed up. This is what makes him conflict avoidant and confused about what he feels.
Most of the time, he claims to feel nothing, for anyone, even his children. He claims that he only feels strong emotions like love when there are out of the ordinary events occurring. Such as, once many years ago, I had a health crisis and almost died...then...he was sure that he loved me. But, life on an everyday basis engenders no such feelings.
He is in IC and has been for about a year and a half. His IC believes that he find his emotions, but no idea when.
Meanwhile, he still refuses to give me what I need. Still waiting for multiple pages of questions to be answered since he balked at a timeline.
He claims remorse...has cried, said sorry many times, but without the effort of his answering those questions, or knowing that I am loved...I am not all in, and detaching more and more everyday. I am sort of jealous of those whose spouses say that they loved them the entire time that they were cheating. I don't even have that.
He claims to not know what it is that he wants, so in the meantime, I work on me, am looking for work, seeing IC, trying to build a life.
We talk only when I push it due to reaching critical mass over being ignored. He seems perfectly happy when the whole situation is avoided.
I love him (differently now)and absolutely hate his guts at the same time. Have no idea when or where this will all end.
Sorry this is so long, never really explained it all before.
Oh, and BTW, we cannot have sex (not that I would!)due to his prostate surgery. Doctors doubt that this ability will ever return.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs to all.
BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another
Maybe you can approach your choice in a similar fashion. Take everything necessary for you to R and then determine if you can accomplish that given your personality and your personal circumstances.
My process had the following stages:
Stage 1: forgiveness. Was I able to forgive, to let go of resentment and be able to see him as simply a flawed human?
Stage 2: acceptance. Could I just accept that the past is what it is? After a grieving period, can I accept that time period from start of A to dday was much less than pretty, that the man I loved did not love me back?
Stage 3: vulnerability. Can I feel safe enough to become emotionally and physically vulnerable to WH once again?
Try as i may, I couldn't get past stage 3. And that was when I knew I didn't have it in me to R. Not only is R not for sissies, but it isn't for risk intolerant people like me.
Right after DDay I would have said yes he was remorseful. He was beside himself with grief, he couldn't eat or sleep.
He did his best to take care of me (I wasn't eating or sleeping).
He was answering my questions.
BUT, as my head began to clear a little, and I began to look at the answers he had given, things didn't make sense. I began to unravel the lies.
Even though the infidelity had ended 18 months before I found out. He lied, and lied and lied again.
At the same time, he was telling me he would do anything to make it right, anything to save "us".
Yet the one thing I wanted above all else was for him to be honest about everything that had happened - and that is something he has never been able to do.
Every truth I eventually learned was only forthcoming after I had been able to dig and find stuff myself (mainly by eventually tracking down OW and tricking her into talking).
Ultimately, he was more interested in protecting his own self image, than helping me to heal.
It makes me feel like, even though he's not cheating and he's now loving, he's still the priority.
I feel that this causes more hurt sometimes than the actual affairs. He KNOWS how hurt I am and yet will not take the steps to help me. His feelings are still more important than my suffering.
Still bleeding by the roadside, waiting for him to bring the tourniquet. In real life, I would have bled to death by now.