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Support for BS in Limbo

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simplydevastated posted 8/4/2011 13:38 PM

Hi! Can I join this thread?

Holly-Isis posted 8/5/2011 06:12 AM

Of course you can SD.

I was so looking forward to this thread, having an official place.

Then I got into a bad place in my head. Why am I not further? My head knows the path to healing, my heart won't follow.

But I talked to my IC yesterday. She brought it into perspective, literally. "Put it into perspective. In 38 years, you've not been allowed to express your feelings and still feel safe. You have stuffed them, not processed them. You won't arrive at it in the matter of a year of really starting to do it. Especially if you still can't communicate with your H."

So, I work on myself and I wait. And I hope the gears that are starting to move in MrH's life.

And I hope I can begin to accept limbo can be a good place. As long as I'm moving forward somehow. Even if it's slower than I would like. :/

nofun posted 8/5/2011 06:32 AM

Hi Everyone:

I read Razor's post. I am where Razor is. Right now it's the best place for me. Maybe next year will be different. I just don't feel strong enough to leave the M yet and maybe I never will. Who knows!

So Limbo Land it is!

Hugs to everyone

simplydevastated posted 8/5/2011 09:54 AM

Thank you.

I feel that I'm in limbo because there's 5% of me that wants to stay in hopes that he'll finally see that his new "changes" are not actually for the better and will do the work needed. But the rest of me, the 95% says that it won't happen and start preparing for the end.

abullhaulerswife posted 8/8/2011 12:05 PM

Feel like I am in major Limbo, can not decide which way to go.
H had an EA, which I thought ended in Oct. 10. After 8 months of what I thought was us working on R, I found out that it was all false. He was still trying to stay in contact with OW, even though it was on and off. I demanded that he take steps to ensure no contact if he was to stay and only to stay if that was what he wanted. He says he wants to stay, but is defensive and makes excuses as to why he doesnt need to do the things to ensure no contact. Instead of being willing to do anything to make this work, he verifies and cements my doubts. I dont feel that he is remorseful or caring about me, yet I want to stay married. But I dont want this kind of marriage. I want a committment, which he doesnt understand, and I want him to show some willingness to work on this and my heartache. I want reassurances not to have him blow up and throw well I can contact her anytime I want to no matter what you ask me to do. So I am very much in Limbo, dont know what to do. Think he is still in a fog.

Holly-Isis posted 8/8/2011 12:48 PM

A question for all that I'm working on answering:

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?

danni posted 8/8/2011 13:09 PM

Hi everyone count me in.

Nail on the head crashandburn

He just can't give me back the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world his affair took from me.

My WH is doing most everything right. But I just can not commit to my M or him.

Our MC had us write letter to each other. I was to write what I needed to commit he is doing almost everything I have asked. WH was to just write about his feelings for me our life and marriage. It was a letter that any BS would love to get but...nothing.

If this is limbo count me in.

WH bought new wedding rings while we were in Mexico on vacation that was 6 months ago. I took mine out of the box the other day and put it on felt strange and heavy. I put it back in the box.

I will be watching for everyones ideas of how to get out of limbo!!

[This message edited by danni at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Monday)]

Crazy Daze posted 8/10/2011 03:57 AM

Well, I'm ready to get out of limbo.

IC/MC pushed me to take a stance so I informed WS that I would be taking legal action as I would rather be alone than in a marriage of three.

WS then went on a business trip, did a lot of soul searching and was finally able to end it with OW.

So my requiremnts for R are in process of being met....

1. I need WS to give up OW!

2. I need WS to be open and honest with complete transparency.
So far so good!

3. I need WS to be remorseful.

4. I need WS to be in IC & MC.

5. I need proof that WS is giving 100% to R.
In progress.

Oh, I know it's early days
but at least we are on the same page.

I'm not ready for him to move back yet but I much rather be working on rebuilding our M than working toward ending it.

simplydevastated posted 8/10/2011 06:31 AM

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?

For me, it would be to get a job. Once I feel that I can be independent from him then I know I'll get my confidence back. I used to be a really strong person and I don't like who I've become now. Which is part of my stress levels.

A few things happened yesterday that made me wonder, which then lead to have nightmare that my husband signed up on another dating site. I hate this crap.

imagoodwitch posted 8/10/2011 06:57 AM

Well I am glad to see that I am in good company here in Limbo Land.

I have a remorseful spouse who is actively working on fixing himself and doing what he needs to do.

Right now, I don't really care.

I am sitting here waiting to give myself permission to admit to myself that the A was a deal breaker and that I won't be failure if I D.

Finances are a big contributor. I have grown very accustomed to my way of life and right now I am not interested in leaving it.

So I sit in limbo putting off the inevitable.

Getting used to the idea that all the changes that have been made, all the remorse, all the stuff that a BS wants may just be too little too late.

We are just FWB, married on paper, going through the motions, at least I am, him he's grasping at whatever he can get.

I tell him I love him and miss him because he says it, I don't feel it.

I'm driving myself crazy with this.

Mods: Thank you for this thread BTW

brokenpromise posted 8/11/2011 14:02 PM

Count me in here too. Spouse shows remorse and wants to move forward and 'forget' the past. Funny thing is that he has forgotten so much of it already

And, to be truthful myself....Bottom line...I just don't trust him because of his memory lapses. I consider the WS amenesia just a passive means of betrayal. I limbo


milia posted 8/11/2011 14:41 PM

Hello to all the new names I see on this thread.

@Holly-Isis...good question re: how to get out of limbo.
I sure wish I had a good answer.

I have been thinking more and more about D lately, but damn I really don't want to lose all my animals (and I would since I can't support them)...hell without work I can't even support myself.

I have been looking for a few weeks shy of one year. I'm fairly convinced no one is going to hire me, but I keep plugging away, but it's damn depressing.

I have done everything right, worked on me, lost weight to feel and look a bit better, took some college courses to prepare for going back to work, IC for myself...why isn't any of this stuff working? Why don't I feel better? Two years anti coming up Sept. 1st. Maybe that is why I am in such an emotional funk. Not the basket case I was a year ago, but still a bit of a mess.

The real bitch about this is that if I remain distant from WH, then he backs off completely. If I remain at least friendly...then he is friendly. I don't want to be nice to him. I don't care about conversation or watching
tv with him or cooking his dinner, etc. but for now it seems as if this is a mask I must wear to make all this bearable. I hate it because the pretending is like wearing a false mask which makes me feel emotionally unhealthy. Damn, damn and damn.

Sorry for the vent. I will most likely get worse as 9-1 gets closer...who knows?

(((hugs to all)))

HereIAmAgain22 posted 8/12/2011 06:38 AM

I guess I get to be in the club, too! After (partial)DDay#3 it's apparent that despite the work my wife never really did get the remorseful thing. She got honest - for awhile - but that went away again about a year go. Now it's called SA and it's two weeks old. She can't tell me the whole truth (par for the SA course) and can't do anything to work on our marriage (par for the SA course) and it will take months at least for her to unravel herself and get healthy (also par). 5 young kids and we've semi-separated. I don't want a D I didn't have all these kids to just decimate a family. So I will wait this out in LIMBO Land again. It's hard to play Limbo when you're back is broken. Sorry so many of us are in similar places. That all being said I am doing pretty good at taking care of myself so I'm hopeful Limbo will reach some sort of equilibrium. Then again how can you reach an equilibrium playing Limbo LOL?

sootired posted 8/12/2011 09:24 AM

I am so glad this forum exists. Reading the posts touched me pretty deeply. The thoughts and feelings many of you have are just what I feel all the time. Why am I still hanging on when nothing really ever gets much better, just more numb?

I think the worst part of limbo is the times I have met someone that I think is nice and I have to wonder, what if?? But I have to back off or risk becoming what she is.

Maybe I need to increase my Zoloft

milia posted 8/12/2011 11:16 AM

I think that the worst part of limbo is that everything just gets ignored.

Meanwhile our emotional needs, which are many due to the destruction visited upon us, go unmet.

Limboland is a painful place to be since there is no getting away from it...there it is staring you in the face 24/7.

(((hugs to all)))

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2011 11:57 AM

Well, weekends always suck for me. Simply, because he's home. I know someone at some point is going to get yelled at so my emotions are tripled.

I usually sleep my weekends away, but then, of course I miss out on time with my kids.

Right now, he's out of the house with our son. So now I'm worried that he's going to get yelled at for something or he's not going to be allowed to do something. Good luck to our son.

This morning I was the one to get yelled at. It was over something really silly. I didn't make a noise, sigh, shrug anything and he jumped all over me. Great Day!

heartbroken_kk posted 8/13/2011 12:29 PM

I'm in. I have been lurking for the last 6 months or so because I feel like I can't really post what is going on with me without getting 2x4s.

Basically, false R for three years, with WH pretending he wants to save our marriage while doing everything he can to tear it down, short of fucking other women (he claims he's not doing that)

He's been in IC the whole time, and has become a complete asshole, self centered prick.

I'm in IC, on meds, etc.


It sucks.

lost kiki posted 8/15/2011 11:52 AM

I belong here too.
It's been a year.. He is remorseful.. But i just don't give a damn..
Taking my youngest to College in days and still can not figure out why i'm still Married..

So tired of the pain.. Too afraid of the unknown..
We were high School sweethearts.. He is all i have ever known...

So now i'm just stuck.......

imagrownup posted 8/15/2011 12:14 PM

I am stuck as well. He was my high school sweet heart- he is all I have known. He is trying everyhting he can- I just don't know who he is anymore - I don't think I will ever trust him- I am fence sitting because it is too hard to get up and leave. I am getting stronger tho and the more I think about it the more compelling it is to just go away with out him and never be afraid of what this man that I thought was an angel, who is really a lieing manupulative narcissist will do to me.

brokenpromise posted 8/15/2011 14:21 PM

I hear you...I hear you all.

I am not sure what it would take to get me out of limbo... Took a whole lot just to get me here in Limbo ...a whole year and then some after DD. I think I need to hunker down here a while... Get my bearings...learn to breathe again.


wonderingbull posted 8/15/2011 15:21 PM

I'm here in limbo and have been for quite some time.. (years)...

When dday happened I moved out within the week and have enjoyed just working, traveling and hanging out with my friends...

When I uncovered all the deceit and lies months after Dday I pretty much lost any of that lovin' feeling... Honestly I really don't "feel" anything anymore...

Sure, I've met interesting women and went on a few dates years ago but I really would rather just do my own thing...

I really feel like when all the shit went down with the ex my depth of feelings got as shallow as a puddle... I really have no idea what "deep" feelings are anymore....

I've been in the same place now for 3 1/2 years and I'm thinking about making a big move next March... Believe it or not... I'm thinking about moving to the Pacific coast of Costa Rica... I've never done anything that drastic before but I've got to get busy living...


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