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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for BS in Limbo
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! Can I join this thread?


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you can SD.

I was so looking forward to this thread, having an official place.

Then I got into a bad place in my head. Why am I not further? My head knows the path to healing, my heart won't follow.

But I talked to my IC yesterday. She brought it into perspective, literally. "Put it into perspective. In 38 years, you've not been allowed to express your feelings and still feel safe. You have stuffed them, not processed them. You won't arrive at it in the matter of a year of really starting to do it. Especially if you still can't communicate with your H."

So, I work on myself and I wait. And I hope the gears that are starting to move in MrH's life.

And I hope I can begin to accept limbo can be a good place. As long as I'm moving forward somehow. Even if it's slower than I would like. :/


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11282 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone:

I read Razor's post. I am where Razor is. Right now it's the best place for me. Maybe next year will be different. I just don't feel strong enough to leave the M yet and maybe I never will. Who knows!

So Limbo Land it is!

Hugs to everyone


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 988 | Registered: Jun 2009
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

I feel that I'm in limbo because there's 5% of me that wants to stay in hopes that he'll finally see that his new "changes" are not actually for the better and will do the work needed. But the rest of me, the 95% says that it won't happen and start preparing for the end.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
abullhaulerswife
♀ New Member
Member # 33043
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel like I am in major Limbo, can not decide which way to go.
H had an EA, which I thought ended in Oct. 10. After 8 months of what I thought was us working on R, I found out that it was all false. He was still trying to stay in contact with OW, even though it was on and off. I demanded that he take steps to ensure no contact if he was to stay and only to stay if that was what he wanted. He says he wants to stay, but is defensive and makes excuses as to why he doesnt need to do the things to ensure no contact. Instead of being willing to do anything to make this work, he verifies and cements my doubts. I dont feel that he is remorseful or caring about me, yet I want to stay married. But I dont want this kind of marriage. I want a committment, which he doesnt understand, and I want him to show some willingness to work on this and my heartache. I want reassurances not to have him blow up and throw well I can contact her anytime I want to no matter what you ask me to do. So I am very much in Limbo, dont know what to do. Think he is still in a fog.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Kansas
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for all that I'm working on answering:

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11282 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone count me in.

Nail on the head crashandburn

He just can't give me back the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world his affair took from me.

My WH is doing most everything right. But I just can not commit to my M or him.

Our MC had us write letter to each other. I was to write what I needed to commit he is doing almost everything I have asked. WH was to just write about his feelings for me our life and marriage. It was a letter that any BS would love to get but...nothing.

If this is limbo count me in.

WH bought new wedding rings while we were in Mexico on vacation that was 6 months ago. I took mine out of the box the other day and put it on felt strange and heavy. I put it back in the box.


Holly-Isis
I will be watching for everyones ideas of how to get out of limbo!!

[This message edited by danni at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Monday)]


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 328 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
Crazy Daze
♀ Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm ready to get out of limbo.

IC/MC pushed me to take a stance so I informed WS that I would be taking legal action as I would rather be alone than in a marriage of three.

WS then went on a business trip, did a lot of soul searching and was finally able to end it with OW.

So my requiremnts for R are in process of being met....

1. I need WS to give up OW!
Check!

2. I need WS to be open and honest with complete transparency.
So far so good!

3. I need WS to be remorseful.
Extremely!

4. I need WS to be in IC & MC.
Check!

5. I need proof that WS is giving 100% to R.
In progress.

Oh, I know it's early days
but at least we are on the same page.

I'm not ready for him to move back yet but I much rather be working on rebuilding our M than working toward ending it.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?

For me, it would be to get a job. Once I feel that I can be independent from him then I know I'll get my confidence back. I used to be a really strong person and I don't like who I've become now. Which is part of my stress levels.

A few things happened yesterday that made me wonder, which then lead to have nightmare that my husband signed up on another dating site. I hate this crap.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I am glad to see that I am in good company here in Limbo Land.

I have a remorseful spouse who is actively working on fixing himself and doing what he needs to do.

Right now, I don't really care.

I am sitting here waiting to give myself permission to admit to myself that the A was a deal breaker and that I won't be failure if I D.

Finances are a big contributor. I have grown very accustomed to my way of life and right now I am not interested in leaving it.

So I sit in limbo putting off the inevitable.

Getting used to the idea that all the changes that have been made, all the remorse, all the stuff that a BS wants may just be too little too late.

We are just FWB, married on paper, going through the motions, at least I am, him he's grasping at whatever he can get.

I tell him I love him and miss him because he says it, I don't feel it.

I'm driving myself crazy with this.

Mods: Thank you for this thread BTW


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5482 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in here too. Spouse shows remorse and wants to move forward and 'forget' the past. Funny thing is that he has forgotten so much of it already

And, to be truthful myself....Bottom line...I just don't trust him because of his memory lapses. I consider the WS amenesia just a passive means of betrayal.

Anyways...here I am...in limbo

BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
milia
♀ Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all the new names I see on this thread.

@Holly-Isis...good question re: how to get out of limbo.
I sure wish I had a good answer.

I have been thinking more and more about D lately, but damn I really don't want to lose all my animals (and I would since I can't support them)...hell without work I can't even support myself.

I have been looking for a few weeks shy of one year. I'm fairly convinced no one is going to hire me, but I keep plugging away, but it's damn depressing.

I have done everything right, worked on me, lost weight to feel and look a bit better, took some college courses to prepare for going back to work, IC for myself...why isn't any of this stuff working? Why don't I feel better? Two years anti coming up Sept. 1st. Maybe that is why I am in such an emotional funk. Not the basket case I was a year ago, but still a bit of a mess.

The real bitch about this is that if I remain distant from WH, then he backs off completely. If I remain at least friendly...then he is friendly. I don't want to be nice to him. I don't care about conversation or watching
tv with him or cooking his dinner, etc. but for now it seems as if this is a mask I must wear to make all this bearable. I hate it because the pretending is like wearing a false mask which makes me feel emotionally unhealthy. Damn, damn and damn.

Sorry for the vent. I will most likely get worse as 9-1 gets closer...who knows?

(((hugs to all)))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
HereIAmAgain22
♂ New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I get to be in the club, too! After (partial)DDay#3 it's apparent that despite the work my wife never really did get the remorseful thing. She got honest - for awhile - but that went away again about a year go. Now it's called SA and it's two weeks old. She can't tell me the whole truth (par for the SA course) and can't do anything to work on our marriage (par for the SA course) and it will take months at least for her to unravel herself and get healthy (also par). 5 young kids and we've semi-separated. I don't want a D I didn't have all these kids to just decimate a family. So I will wait this out in LIMBO Land again. It's hard to play Limbo when you're back is broken. Sorry so many of us are in similar places. That all being said I am doing pretty good at taking care of myself so I'm hopeful Limbo will reach some sort of equilibrium. Then again how can you reach an equilibrium playing Limbo LOL?


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
sootired
♂ Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad this forum exists. Reading the posts touched me pretty deeply. The thoughts and feelings many of you have are just what I feel all the time. Why am I still hanging on when nothing really ever gets much better, just more numb?

I think the worst part of limbo is the times I have met someone that I think is nice and I have to wonder, what if?? But I have to back off or risk becoming what she is.

Maybe I need to increase my Zoloft


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
milia
♀ Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the worst part of limbo is that everything just gets ignored.

Meanwhile our emotional needs, which are many due to the destruction visited upon us, go unmet.

Limboland is a painful place to be since there is no getting away from it...there it is staring you in the face 24/7.

(((hugs to all)))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, weekends always suck for me. Simply, because he's home. I know someone at some point is going to get yelled at so my emotions are tripled.

I usually sleep my weekends away, but then, of course I miss out on time with my kids.

Right now, he's out of the house with our son. So now I'm worried that he's going to get yelled at for something or he's not going to be allowed to do something. Good luck to our son.

This morning I was the one to get yelled at. It was over something really silly. I didn't make a noise, sigh, shrug anything and he jumped all over me. Great Day!


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in. I have been lurking for the last 6 months or so because I feel like I can't really post what is going on with me without getting 2x4s.

Basically, false R for three years, with WH pretending he wants to save our marriage while doing everything he can to tear it down, short of fucking other women (he claims he's not doing that)

He's been in IC the whole time, and has become a complete asshole, self centered prick.

I'm in IC, on meds, etc.

WE OWN A BUSINESS TOGETHER.I WORK THERE. MY ENTIRE LIFE IS ENTANGLED IN HIS. MY CAREER, MY FRIENDS, MY COMMUNITY, MY HOBBIES, ETC.

It sucks.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
lost kiki
♀ Member
Member # 29769
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too.
It's been a year.. He is remorseful.. But i just don't give a damn..
Taking my youngest to College in days and still can not figure out why i'm still Married..

So tired of the pain.. Too afraid of the unknown..
We were high School sweethearts.. He is all i have ever known...

So now i'm just stuck.......


Me=BS

DDAY I (Married Whore) 8/8/2010
TT 8/28/2010
DDAY II (23yo) 9/23/2012
TT 9/26/2012


NC 9/3/2010 After she and I spoke for 2 hrs..GRRRRRR!!!!
NC with #2 9/24/12
Struggling thru with my Head Held High..
I'm moving slow but I a


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Illinois
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stuck as well. He was my high school sweet heart- he is all I have known. He is trying everyhting he can- I just don't know who he is anymore - I don't think I will ever trust him- I am fence sitting because it is too hard to get up and leave. I am getting stronger tho and the more I think about it the more compelling it is to just go away with out him and never be afraid of what this man that I thought was an angel, who is really a lieing manupulative narcissist will do to me.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you...I hear you all.

I am not sure what it would take to get me out of limbo... Took a whole lot just to get me here in Limbo ...a whole year and then some after DD. I think I need to hunker down here a while... Get my bearings...learn to breathe again.

BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
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