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Support for BS in Limbo
I'm here in limbo and have been for quite some time.. (years)...
When dday happened I moved out within the week and have enjoyed just working, traveling and hanging out with my friends...
When I uncovered all the deceit and lies months after Dday I pretty much lost any of that lovin' feeling... Honestly I really don't "feel" anything anymore...
Sure, I've met interesting women and went on a few dates years ago but I really would rather just do my own thing...
I really feel like when all the shit went down with the ex my depth of feelings got as shallow as a puddle... I really have no idea what "deep" feelings are anymore....
I've been in the same place now for 3 1/2 years and I'm thinking about making a big move next March... Believe it or not... I'm thinking about moving to the Pacific coast of Costa Rica... I've never done anything that drastic before but I've got to get busy living...
If feasible for you, I would do it. Change might do you good.
Wow, a move like that would be amazing. A whole new you and a whole new life.
In Limbo as well. One year anniversary of DDay is this Thursday. We have both been in intensive IC, and intensive MC. But WW just doesn't know what she wants yet (and is learning in IC to be "comfortable" with not knowing).
Finally said in MC that that confusion may be fine for WW, but it is making me miserable. My anger grows and grows with each week, and at this point we are doing fundamental damage to whatever friendship and co-parenting relationship we would want to have after a separation.
I am getting very close to separation. I can't believe she has done this to our family. But oh well.
WB....I have heard the most wonderful things about Costa Rica...a good place to spend some retirement years....surf...just enjoy.
I hope you go WB... I can smell the salty ocean and feel the warm breezes... Go WB...
: ). BP
[This message edited by brokenpromise at 2:15 PM, August 17th (Wednesday)]
My attitude has changed now that I have embraced limbo.
My wives LTA and actions after reveal she is mentally sick and that her heart is not with me.
The loneliness used to kill me but now it is better for me. No emmotional sharing no new hurts.
I am nice and polite with my so called wife but do whatever I want and dont really care how she feels about it.
How stupid was I to let a mental issue cheater guide my life?
I only answer to myself now and it feels great.
I am joining the limbo group. WH & I have hardly spoken the past three days.
I guess I am also doing 180. I go to work, interact with kids, do what needs to be done around the house (all cooking, cleaning & laundry w/help from kids-teens)
I do not sit & watch tv with
WH, I answer questions politely but do not initiate conversations.
WH acts like everything is fine. I did have a strange feeling that this is how he was for part of his A. Then I remind myself that I cannot control him, if he wants to cheat again he will.
I have also been sleeping in another room. I have actually gotten better nights sleep in the other room.
I am looking for a different job, have started back on hobbies that I left to the wayside the past 2 yrs. & I am again reading books that don't have infidelity or healing or affair in the title.
I know I will be okay no matter how this ends up (it's a toss-up R or D right now)
I have relayed my dealbreakers to WH, along with what I need from him. If I had the $ I would be gone with the kids right now as I do not think WH has the will/desire to do the hard work of R.
So I am in limbo, I try to keep busy & take care of me & the kids.
Post DDay three and a half years.
Intensive MC for 18mos. IC for me-all the time WH hoping he could figure out a way to leave without being the bad guy.
Finally said he was done with MC, pressure and people telling him what to do.
Wanted to just play with his buddies. I got to continue being the live in housekeeper, but now without any attempt at conversation, activities together or anything other than I feed his face, wash his clothes and scrub his toilet.
After 4 mos. of that I suggested he leave. He agreed - to "work " on himself. He's been gone a year and a half.
"Work" on himself resulted in play and I took care of bills (after he quit paying) and repairs and children.
I faced breast cancer and my daughter's rape alone - no contact or help from him or his family.
I returned to school and volunteer in my field of interest.
I still ride an emotional roller coaster and realize more and more that I married a boy who never grew up and just wants to play, avoid responsibility, conflict or decisions.
Hence, no legal separation, divorce or reconciliation.
OW married and deflated WH's hopes of a fantasy existence with her, but this gives him no reason to return to or work on his marriage.
I believe the A was an exit A and so, OW or not, he does not want to be with me.
He is fine with the arrangement and living a red-neck existance with no one requiring civility or personal hygiene from him.
He gets invited by our friends to outings and recreation. I am left out.
At this point I am feeling like I am being punished for HIS adultery.
[This message edited by Onefoot at 2:15 AM, August 19th (Friday)]
Went to sleep last night in other room. Was 2 hours into a deep sleep when WH woke me with a hard poke to my arm. I was in a daze when he said to me in a nasty tone "If you continue to sleep in here we're done"
Then he stomped off to our bedroom. Mind you the kids had friends sleeping over, down in the family room.
Before I had my wits & self-control about me (I was doing so well for 3 days *crap*) I launched into a tirade about how rude that was, how he could have approached me differently. Why he didn't say something to the effect that he wanted me to sleep in our room with him. To this he said 'why should I state the obvious?' I told him it was not obvious to me.
crap, crap, crap...this is how he acted in the A.
And I played(reacted) right into it, we ended up having a big (relatively quiet) blow-out. WH knocked over a lit candle, a can of soda. I packed some clothes for him & took bag & loose clothes out to his truck. Told him to get the fuck out...I cannot R alone. WH took clothes out of my closet & his dresser & threw them about the room, tipped over a dresser. I used a flashlight to put my clothes back & upright the dresser as he would not let me keep the light on. Lots of nasty words both ways.
This morning, not a word spoken between us before WH went to work...now what?
I logged onto WH's laptop...DS20 walked into the room & asked why I was on the laptop-was I checking up on dad? (they know about the A) I said I want to check some stuff. Nothing there that I could see.
I am tired, soul weary. Gotta work 2nd shift today & turn around & work early tomorrow.
Thanks for listening. AH
I am in limbo also,
2 yrs into this affair and I have dealt with it in my face. Things seem to be ending but you never truly know. The texting has mainly stopped, it was 24/7, his going out has slowed WAY down and he is more attentive to me. However, I really dont bring it up. He seems to be seeing ow for what she is as i have listened to him talk about her and how he will never leave me for her and she knows this and it pisses her off. She is on depression meds cause of him and he feels she will kill herself (she is all about drama). So here we sit in limbo. I dont know what is going on with us or them. It is all nuts.
Just giving everyone here in limbo land a (((hug))) today.
I would love to move away, too. But I don't want to lose any of the financial security I've earned and I'm entitled to.
I also have family obligations, an elderly mom and a young grandchild who I need to be here for.
I've decided to look into going away on my own for a month. I am going to go someplace where it is warm and I won't need a car. I don't know what "excuse" I'll give to everyone I know, since they think I'm happily married, but I'm working on that.
Perhaps after one month away, I can think about two months the next year and so on and so forth.
For me being in limbo means being reactive as opposed to proactive and I'm not (or wasn't) as reactive person before his affair.
If you met me and didn't know anything about me, you would think I have a very active, lively, fulfilled life. And I really do--but the void of losing my marriage is very large inside of me. On the bright side, it doesn't show.
i am soo glad to find a spot that someone can relate to this topic. i feel in limbo bc we are in limbo i believe. dday for me was oct.2010 and the second was april 2010. when her husband was informed about their A, he all of a sudden didnt know what he wanted. so bc of all the arguing we decided to seperate. which was only suppose to be for a few days, but its been 3 months. at first he didnt want to continue counsling so i gave him a deadline for july 1 to either commit to R or get his belongings and leave. he chose counseling. sounds good huh? but unfortunately he hasnt put 100% effort like i have stated. he goeas to counseling, and doesnt say much, still on the fence so the counselor wants us to do half sessions of IC then 20 min in the end together as a couple. she said she will give him a month to decide to stay or go (since i was given a month of IC when he chose not to go @ the time) to make a decision bc she said one must be made in order to move forward whether its to end the relationship or full R. its crazy he doesnt even contact me at all unless i contact him first. so ive only been contacting him for financial reasons. the children are not his biologically, but he has raised them for the past 7 years we have been together going on 8 years. he will come by and bring money for anything i need but hurrys off soon after like he is avoiding any conversation with us alone. he says he loves me & wants to b with me but doesnt even talk to me unless its in counseling. even then he doesnt say much. he hasnt even tried to contact the children. in counseling he says he is going bc he wants to and just is nervous to be having to face what he has been trying to avoid for the past few months but knows it has to be done to find an answer if we can R. thats funny bc he doesnt even try. just gives me money and seeis me in counseling once a week for an hour. i think he may still be with the OW but not sure. I know she is still with her husband and quit her job after the A was outed to her husband, but maybe they are underground i dont know. he claims its over but they all say that. im confused. i started doing the 180 to some extent bc i found out im ill. he knows and still hasnt tried to be there. so tomorrow when we goto counseling i am going to ask questions he is avoiding. not say much just ask him so he can talk bc then he steers it to me & i end up running the convo. so i am gonna make it to where i ask & he talks. i will also let him know after the month if he hasnt decided ( along with some rules and boundaries to follow on communication & other areas)i will & it will be to end the relationship. He is currently staying with his parents.his mom has never been too fond of me bc he was single with no kids & geting his BA, while i was divorced with 2 kids. his dad loves me though, so i can imagine his mom is encouraging him to stay single. i know if she found out he was giving me $ and going to counseling, she would be angry. but he needs to be a man & do what is best for us. anyone have any advice or suggestions please?
So, my IC suggested the book, How can I forgive you? The courage to forgive, the freedom not to by Janis Abrahms Spring.
I am hoping it will help me off this stupid fence. I am so torn as to what to do right now. There are days where I want to continue with R. And then there are days, more-so lately, that I just want to end it all. In fact, I last posted in the General forum that I was sick of it all, I was done and I was moving to the D/S forum.
Well, I haven't had the courage to post in the D/S forum yet. So, I'm still here.
Has anyone here read the above book? Was it helpful? Just wondering if it's even worth my time.
I just found this thread - what a great idea! Count me in the population of Limboland, too.
I wanted to R, still do, really, but I need things I'm just not getting from my H. I thought I had that most basic and essential of requirements to R - that he wants to be with me. Well, it turns out that's not true - he's trying to want to be with me. WTF does that mean, anyway?! It's been 6 months that I've been living life under false pretences, so I currently feel like that's another 6 months of my life that he basically stole from me. Add that to the time of his A, and I'm at just about a year. Awesome.
I had been fully all-in on R. I was trusting, loving, making myself vulnerable, working to help him open up, working to help him work to process and feel like he can trust himself again, giving, supportive, eager to look at both why and how his A happened and to look deeply into our relationship to strengthen it. And, I was hopeful. Even though I wasn't feeling from him all that I wanted and needed, I was hopeful. We were on a path we both wanted to be on, I thought. We both wanted to be with each other, I thought. I could be patient as long as we were making some progress; I understand that it takes time. Yet to learn now that he's only trying to want to be with me... Well, that blows it all out of the water.
I also don't really see him actively "trying." I think he's just sort of waiting around, looking for something to just happen to him and suddenly he'll want to be with me. Guess what? It doesn't work that way! I think he likes everything about our life together except that I'm the one he has to share it with, so he wants to try to want me. Everything else is just so convenient and comfortable for him. If only he didn't have this lame wife.
I'm having a little pity party for myself, but mostly I'm just royally pissed off. If we didn't have young children whose lives I want to protect as much as possible, I'd be gone (or would have kicked him out) already. (I found out, through finally making him answer my questions rather than letting him sort of answer and skillfully avoid the real question, or his real feelings about things, about the "try to want" aspect of things two days ago). We do have young kids, I'm currently financially dependent on him (though not forever - maternity leave), I love our home, and so does the child who's old enough to know if we didn't live here anymore, so it's more complicated. I want to be with him, but I don't NEED to be with him, not if he doesn't want me. If he's only trying to want me, and not even really trying, I don't think I can stand that. So, I need to figure out what I want to do next. I'm thinking about trying the 180 (I haven't, thus far), but I'm a little hesitant. He's so passive right now that he might welcome not having to interact with me. Though I do have to say that over the past few days (since I found out) I've been more distant, less supportive (not asking about his day, responding minimally when he tells me about things), and he's been trying to reach out a bit more.
I wish he would get himself into IC and actually look at himself and the affair. He won't because "I can't find the time," and "it just takes so much emotional energy.". I'm so sick and tired of all his excuses. If he doesn't wake up and start to actually work to face things, he's going to lose what he has before he's actually done any work to figure out what he wants.
So, for now, I'm in limbo. If he doesn't start making some real changes pretty quickly, I think I'm out, I'm done. If he does make some significant changes, especially like starting to go to IC, then I'm willing to work more again. So, the ball is still in his court, but only briefly.
This all sucks. Hugs to all of you here.
I am struggling with acceptance of limbo. I know I will not initiate a divorce. I really miss being "married."
My question for those of you in limbo who have accepted it, how do you deal with the loss of the marriage. I really miss having someone to share my life with.
I don't have time to read and catch up.
I hope each of you is finding peace.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:24 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
I just wanted to pop in and give everyone a hug that's living in limbo.
It sucks all the way around.
Anyone else having a hard time making simple choices?
This limbo is now seeping into the rest of my exsistence and I don't know how to reverse course so to speak.
I'm terrified of making the wrong choice as I have so clearly done int he past. It isn't related to DH, just choices I need to make to earn a living.
I am sorry, I d/n see the "BS only" part.
[This message edited by 2BFulfilled at 11:00 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
Oh My Goodness!!! Finally...a place for me! I never post, or ask for (much needed) advice, because I don't want to risk scaring a single newbie out there. I know how much I needed hope at the beginning. I have been hoping for quite a long time for a limbo kinda section. :)
Now off to start at the beginning and catch up!