SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
Support for BS in Limbo
I heard someone mention the 'limbo' forum in a different forum and instantly realized that this is the place for me.
My WH and I have been in pseudo-R for the last 28 months. I thought we were in R, which to me means that we both wanted to be in this marriage and were just trying to figure out how to do that. But the words "want", "try", etc. permeated his speech. Turns out he is still trying to figure out if he wants to be here. It also turns out that he still has feelings for the OW. I doubt those two things are a coincidence.
So we're not really in R. We are in MC but I'm not sure what the point of it is, since my WH can't commit to me or to our M. Because he can't commit, then I can't either. He has to go first. After everything that has happened, he has to go first.
So I am in limbo. We sleep in the same bed, naked and wrapped around each other much of the time. We have sex. We live. But it's a day-to-day existence, one without true love or commitment, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can do it.
Why am I here? For the same reason I suspect most of us are. My DD is going to college soon and if we were to separate then we couldn't afford to send her. And I don't really want a D. I want a true marriage with the person I'm married to. I'm not ready to start my life over. Dammit, it's just not fair that I have to even be thinking about that.
The thing is, I don't know if I can accept this half-alive existence. My WH says that he doesn't want to live a life of 'quiet desperation' anymore. I agree. The thing is, I'm willing to make the commitment and do the work to change things. He isn't. And so -- limbo.
I hate being in limbo. WH tells me A is over, but yet everytime I turn around OW is there in our lives. I was happier when WH was out of our home and living with OW. He is back, since end of July, and still she keeps popping up. I feel like the backup plan for when she throws his butt out. I am tired, angry, hurt, on the verge of depression. We now live on the main road, since Aug, and everytime her car is at MY HOUSE I am notified by someone. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I stupidly try to R, she is thrown in my face.
Insecure, i'm so sorry. I wish you strength to do whatever you decide.
My question for those of you in limbo who have accepted it, how do you deal with the loss of the marriage. I really miss having someone to share my life with
I miss the intimacy, (all aspects of it).
Most of the time I just get on with things as best as I can, but I still have down days.
AnnaMaria - you said it. That's exactly how I feel.
I have no idea where to go from here. I don't want to end our marriage - there's a lot of good there, and a lot of potential to be great, IMHO, but H needs to decide to commit, step up to the plate, and do the work. He's not, and has the added bonus of being very resistant to ideas that don't originate from him. So, any pushing I do is likely to push him even farther away from committing, yet I have to push in some ways because he won't do it himself. Argh!!! This would be so much easier if I didn't believe so much in our potential and want so much to have an intact family. I feel like I'm waiting for him to wake up and realize what he almost lost, but I'm starting to wonder if he ever will, or if he will before this limbo has caused me more pain than I can handle in the interim. I guess it remains to be seen.
I am in limbo I want to save our marriage and I have no idea what WH is doing anymore.
He is in lta at the OW place and his behavior is odd
I feel like I am living a broken record
((((everyone)))) I too am a resident in limboland. Some days I think things are salvageable and then there are other times when triggers happen and I revert to feeling angry and hurt. Sorry that we have all been relocated to this limboland hell.
Another day of TT finally got the truth about his motorcycle. He didnt want to tell me cuz he knew I would never ride behind him again. He gave my place to her
I told him Im done giving a shit about. Nothing I gave him is/was sacred
[This message edited by Going To Make It at 3:29 PM, September 25th (Sunday)]
I too live in limbo.. I wish I had the magic ball to see what my future is and stop worrying now about what I need to do..!
Feeling very Limbo-y tonight and a little blue, so I thought I would pop by and just say I am thinking about all of you that are in the same spot...and praying for us all.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
oh, yes, living in Limbo...
it sucks. I'm tired. I'm weak. I feel pathetic. I hate this!
WH says he is leaning more towards D, but he hasn't made any final decisions yet.. and so I stay, hoping that the strange delusional man who is sleeping next to me every night will change back into the loving husband I have known for 20 years.
I can't go on like this forever.. I see some posters who've been doing this for years and I just don't get it. I will end up in a psych ward soon if things don't change one way or the other.
And I don't want to make the decision to D. That would be WAAAY too easy on WH. I've told him as much, too. I refuse to pull the trigger and be the parent who ruined our kids' lives. Won't do it.
I sometimes think he wishes I would... and then other times I see glimpses of *my* H again. I am losing ME in this process and its killing me to see him carry on as if all is well. I don't get it.
Crazy Daze, you could have written my story. DDay has only been since 9-9-11, but I am waiting as he is on the fence. We are in MC, but not sure if he is really putting forth an effort or when I will truly see an effort. The Love Dare a book was given to us by our counselor and we are starting it....only on day 3 and so far, it seems I am the one trying. He says I am trying too hard...really isn't that what you do to save your marriage and make it better. He thinks it's going to be this long drawn out affair and he isn't ready to touch me (hug and cuddle) but I wasn't the WS EA or PA (he is denying PA) and I am willing to touch him, so what gives-guilty mind I guess. So, hang in there the best you can.
Hey all from my little corner of limboland!
I've actually had a few days in a row of not feeling so lost in all this muck.
WH has switched back to working days so now I see him more. I wasn't sure if this was going to be a good thing since he seems to be one of my constant triggers I guess only time will tell.
Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone else is doing.
In Limbo as well. But WW just doesn't know what she wants yet (and is learning in IC to be "comfortable" with not knowing).
....confusion may be fine for WW, but it is making me miserable. My anger grows and grows with each week, and at this point we are doing fundamental damage to whatever friendship and co-parenting relationship we would want to have after a separation.
I am getting very close to separation. I can't believe she has done this to our family. But oh well.
Hi Lost42, I am Lost45. Everything in your quotation resonates with me... I too, can not believe that she has done this to our family.
I think that the reasons I am in limbo are>>>>
25% Children - not wanting to uproot our three kids, shatter their sense of security, tear them away from their friends (can't see any way either of us could keep the house) - and have to face days where I don't get to see them
10% Clinging to hope that we can R and have a real relationship again
My WW's A is over. She has been ostracized from an entire group (thrown under the bus by OM after I told his wife). The loss of "friends" (were they really her friends, if they "dumped" her so easily for their buddy?) has caused her more pain and anger than the end of the A imo. It has also caused a huge wedge between us, as she believes I told OBS for revenge and spite, and not to prevent the A from continuing, or for my own conscience.
And now? Well it seems exactly the same as a year ago (when she was on a slippery slope, and the A was about to start), except she has found new friends to ride with, and they apparently know our situation.
Another thread for me to be in. My FWH and I both though that we wanted to R. He went to MC but missed alot of appointments(due to work) one time he was to sick to go but he spent over two hours doing the lawn.
It's been rough because he is not an overly affectinate person or real open with feelings. He shared so much more with her than he ever has me.
He still says he wants to stay M but I feel like I am losing the desire for that. It's just real hard to walk away from someone who has been in your life 25 years.
Am I undecided because I always said cheating was a deal breaker. Afraid of the unknown? Do I still have hope?
Limbo really sucks. I have been doing more research about divorce than affairs recently. The A already happend.
Here I am as well. My d-day was 4 1/2 years ago and we really tried to make things work. Even took custody of the OC and his sisters, but ultimately things have not worked out.
My h has been living in his own apt. 30 miles away since Aug. 2010. His former habits caught up with him and he could no longer live at the house. What is keeping us apart now is that I did not move with him. Oh and I took away his manhood when we were trying to R, by looking at his phone, questioning his whereabouts and embrassing him in front of his little friends! He expects our older children to move out on their own and me and him and the OC to live together. First of all I would not have been able to handle taking the OC in my home if not for my kids, they have helped in every aspect you can think of! Secondly, my oldest 22 yr. DD is a student a 2 colleges and works part-time and just had a baby, my 21 yr. ds is a student, works part-time and has an 18 month old, and has ADD. My 19 yr. dd just graduated from Cosmetology school and is not fully employed yet. Even if they all moved in together, they would not be able to make it on their own.
My h does not understand that. He was on his own at 17 and thinks everyone should be that way. When my kids are ready to live on their own, they will. Anyways he feels that I picked the children over him! And I told him that I did not want to move down there to the "hood" with him when the family can stay here in the good schools and environment. All 3 OC are in special education and it took a lot for me to set up. So if he wants to put it that way, then yes I picked the kids over you, they never betrayed and lied to me.
Anyway he comes over the house about 15-17 days per month because he doens't have enough money to get back and forth after he pays his rent. I went to file a legal separation from him a couple of months ago only to find out that because we are both joint Guardians of the twins, if we separate, their custody will go back before the judge and they could be sent to foster care and taken away from us and their brother. For this reason we have decided not to divorce at this time.
However, it is putting me in a situation that I can not move on. He acts like my h sometimes, but he says we will not be "together again" until we live together again, so no sex. I really hate him for that because he is the only person I have ever been with and we have been together 23 years. I want to find someone that will love me completely and I can't while I am still married to him.
So I get to raise all 3 OC by myself and put my life on hold. It really sucks.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:29 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]
As I read other posts here, journal my feeling in my book and read so many other books and websites.
I am beginning to think that for me Limbo land is a self made hell. I was actually not living at home when WH confessed in MC. He broke down and cried,OMG he is human was my first thought. Then he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. Was he kidding? If I'd had to sit next to him he would not be breathing today. Our MC said not to talk about it(she meant at that moment) he took it as never. He'd already kept his secret a long time.
I look back and think I must've been in Zombie land I moved back home. Not sure if this was my biggest mistake or not. I tried to get things out in the open between us.
When I got the most impoortant questions answered I guess he thought that was all there was to it. No more talking-wrong.
I am beginning to feel like his actions have more to do with me being in Limbo than me.
First he does the right things. then he is passive-agressive about other things. Sometimes he talks about were he wants us to be and other times I sit here alone.
He feeds me just enough to keep my hope alive and destroys me enough that I want out. I am not crazy just in LIMBO but if I stay here long I might go CRAZY
I believe I belong here too. My WH has been recently diagnosed SA. That to me spells LIMBO. I do not know if I will ever have any peace/intimacy w/him.
WH takes a polygraph next week after a full disclosure w/MC csat. I have two children- one with special needs that i could never provide for if it weren't for WH. So I feel like I am married, but I am not. To all the neighbors, we are married. Between us, there is uncertainty and confusion. I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know what my H is going to dump on me at the pg. So I float along.
Limbo is my life.
Had to barrow these stages:
Stage 1: forgiveness. Was I able to forgive, to let go of resentment and be able to see him as simply a flawed human?
He is human, and really, it's not my job to forgive and it makes no difference to me. I cannot let go of the resentment because he knew I was not the kind of person who could survive this and I knew that too.
Stage 2: acceptance. Could I just accept that the past is what it is? After a grieving period, can I accept that time period from start of A to dday was much less than pretty, that the man I loved did not love me back?
I struggle with what he did every single day. No amount of counseling has changed how I feel about his A. I look back to Dday and wish I would have punched him square in the nose and then kicked him out. The man I married would never do that to me and I would never put up with it...but I am still here.
Stage 3: vulnerability. Can I feel safe enough to become emotionally and physically vulnerable to WH once again?
I cannot honestly feel vulnerable to him. He has done absolutely everything right since dday. He shows me 50 times a day how much he loves me. I used to look at him as my perfect match, the man I knew would always have my back, would be there when I grew old, yadayada. I look at him most days and wonder how I have stayed for 2 more years. Yes, we have really great times together, we laugh, we support each other in everything and yes, i still look at him with disgust.
When we were dating, we talked about infidelity many times. We also discussed it throughout our marriage. He knew how I felt and I thought I knew how he felt, it was absolute that we would never hurt each other like that...then he did. Do I know why, can we ever really know why. We were busy living life and he was having some difficulty in the bedroom, but I supported him, loved him, and was there no matter what. This went on for several months and when I looked back after dday, this was when his A started.
I see people on here saying things like "for better or worse" and I can't just leave, I took vows....I apologize to them, but that is total bs to me. I promised (and he promised) to love, honor, and be faithful only unto me, then he ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and threw it aside like it was nothing.
Do I love him?? Yes, but (adding that is never a good sigh), but is it enough?? I love the man I married, he would not hurt me like this. I loved what we had, now I struggle each day to find that again.
My son had just turned 5 when we met. I had a horrible first marriage that ended when my son was 9 months old. I chose very poorly. Anyway, I spent the next few years working on myself and understanding why I chose so poorly, what I would and wouldn't do in the future and how important is was to take time as my son deserved only the best. I met my now husband and he was everything I was looking for. We took our time, I needed to know him. We dated for almost 2 years before we married. Those dating years were full of wonderful times and lots of long talks about who we were and what we wanted. I cannot stress enough how important of a topic infidelity was in our discussions. It was the end all deal breaker, there was nothing that could be done to me that would devastate me more....so why am I still here??
My son is in high school now. I have breached the topic every so gently about how he feels. He knows about the A. He was devastated too and he loves his SDad with all his heart. How do I take that away from him?? How do I turn his world upside down?? He's at a pivotal time in his life and I do not want to crush his life, take away his home and all he knows. I have a career, I can take care of him and I, but I could not stay in our home, the only home he's every really known. He is my life.
I am just so confused and really need some perspective on this. I know I need to tell my H what I feel. I know it will crush him and I do love him, but I also know that may not be enough.
[This message edited by dawnmarie at 10:45 AM, October 14th (Friday)]
I have recently started coming around to SI again after leaving a couple of years ago. D-day was back in 2007. My WH was physical with some of the OW but didn't have actual sex with any of them (confirmed by polygraph) which was why I justified staying in my mind- because it wasn't actual adultery. But the lying, the deceit, the betrayal of many years broke my heart none the less. He was living a double life (SA).
We did counseling, both MC and IC. We read books, we studied, we searched, we moved cities, we talked, screamed, everything. Today, 4 years later, I am no longer foggy nor confused. I can see clearly now and I see that I tried much harder than he did. He showed true remorse for a couple of months then would turn back into a selfish man. He didn't cope well with any of my emotions. I did do alot of things I'm not proud of such as trying to control his every move but I couldn't cope any other way. I have grown SO much since then which is why I'm sooo happy and relieved today. BUT my heart is still broken because I know deep inside that he hasn't loved me nor presently loves me as he should. I am the one that has carried our marriage the whole time. I'm the one that has begged and pleaded when he's wanted out.
I have done alot of soul searching this past year since moving to the new city and I have come to the conclusion that I deserve better. I am worthy. I'm not perfect but I'm good enough. I can't take scraps anymore. He's been talking about leaving the M since the very beginning and hasn't. The word divorce is thrown out by him every other day/week. SO I've decided to take the reigns and told him enough is enough, he either committs 100% or we end this. He stopped his affairs in 2007, but his heart is still selfish towards me. I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop. I cannot have knots in my tummy anymore when I'm around him. I don't know what's going to be the decision but I do know that I will be okay. That is HUGE! I know it will be hard but 2 years ago I thought I couldn't survive without him. I'm now seeing that I cannot not only survive, but that I can succeed. It feels great to have power but of course I'm feeling the motions of the what if's. So I'm in limbo but hopefully for not too long.
[This message edited by deanab at 4:32 PM, October 31st (Monday)]
I am in limbo. I read some of WH journals and saw that he is very confused about his feelings. HE claims he was ending the A long before i found out and signs do point to that, he was looking for a new job back in april, and asked OW to find a new job and she acting got a new job about 2 weeks before dday. Anyway, he just seems so darn lost on how to proceed in the marriage and when he was really low he wrote he wished he was still in contact with OW because he needed a friend, he is very lonely, wished affirmed he is there is NC, but also means that when he is down he thinks of her, which shows she still has power over his actions. I do believe him in that he wasn't going to leave me for OW, but what does that mean? He is a cake eater? I am the default? I am still here in the M and that must count for something because I always said an A would be a dealbreaker for me, honestly it still may be, it is just that it could be a slow process in getting to D. I told WH that I will give it a try and if he does want to change and I see that change and it is genuine then we have a chance, but if I don't see the change we are headed to a D. WH is a terribly lonely person, and it saddens me, I know that is why he got involved with OW, but does that excuse it? I don't know right now. I wish I could know what will happen to us, but right now we need a lot of time and patience to figure this out, on both sides...