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Support for BS in Limbo

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Melody3 posted 12/12/2011 22:29 PM

I often wonder if we stay in limbo because of:

1.) Fear of the Future
(can we make it on our own--I admit a I rely on my WH for insurance, benefits, money, etc...)
2.) A Dream of a Family
(that one is on my mind a lot)
3.) Fear that a Stepparent will come along and parent your child(ren) when you are not around
4.) Fear of Being Alone in the Future

In my IC I have learned that guilt and fear are some of my biggest feelings to overcome. I'm getting there but it's taken a lot of IC and still will no matter what route I choose for myself and my family. This is so so hard.

Melody3 posted 12/13/2011 20:56 PM

Just looking for support from anyone out there who is also in limbo.


milia posted 12/23/2011 14:17 PM

Hi Melody3...sorry it has taken you so long to get a response.

Speaking for myself, I don't check in too often. IDK, sometimes I guess I just find it all too painful to revisit and you just need a break.

Anyway, sorry you are in limbo. If I read your post correctly, he isn't living with you? Most of us here in limbo actually have to stay with our WS for differing reasons, so your situation sounds a bit different.

I am glad to hear that you are in IC. It doesn't always work for everyone, but I found it helpful at the time, although I am finished with it for now.

Is your family supportive?
What are you considering doing?
I know that it is hard to figure out a life path after something as devastating as this, especially when we don't have any idea what that future may look like and it is scary. Especially for someone like you who has young children to consider.

On the bright side, although you may not believe it, you are young enough to be able to entertain many possibilities. For those of us here who are age challenged
it feels like there are fewer options.

I'm sorry that I don't have any practical advice for you, but I do sympathize.

Hang in there.

milia posted 12/23/2011 14:36 PM

Okay, now that I have replied to Melody, I'd like to vent a little about my situation.

IDK if it is the holiday season or what, but I am having some issues.

It is soooo hard to share a house with someone who has hurt you this badly, who continues to avoid the entire issue and seems to have no issues of his own. He always acts so damn normal.

Does anyone else have problems with just simply not feeling loved? I miss it.
Just that feeling of knowing that someone gives a damn about you, cares about you, worries about you.

I have been feeling so down lately, even been having the occasional bout of tears, which is somewhat rare lately. This just sucks.
I will get over it, but for the just sucks!
And, may I add for good measure, that sometimes, I just HATE looking at his stupid face. just hurts knowing I am inconsequential and so easily discarded, and that he can go on about his life acting so normal and unbothered.

Sorry to be such a humbug.
Hope your holidays are going better than mine.

Hugs to all.

gromit2011 posted 12/24/2011 13:29 PM

((((hugs to all))))

I hear you, Milia. Yes, that feeling of being unloved by the person who you thought would always live you be there for you, thinking of you, caring. And I also know what it feels like to have WH who is just getting on as normal.

I know he's completely fucked up and in a bad place right now but he keeps telling everyone he's 'fine'. I want him to say, 'Help me, I'm not good, I'm completely screwed up' but he's stubborn and idiotic.

It sucks. Day in, day out.

del311 posted 12/25/2011 00:43 AM

Yup...Limbo is the worst. my FWW and i always told each other it would be over if an A ever took place. so easy to say that but then the unimaginable happens!I still cant believe she did this? after 18 years of marriage...I've spent half of my life with her!! I find myself faking im happy just trying so hard to make it work!

she's very remorsfull but still she hints that she went that route because of not getting enough help around the house?! And then says she's sorry for not telling me how she felt...

Nature_Girl posted 12/25/2011 01:24 AM

Yes, Milia, I feel that way, too. It is so hard to continue to live in the same house and try to be civil. I want to go slap-happy & get some damn answers! I want to see some remorse! And I get SO depressed thinking that my future is utterly bleak & without love (as is my present, aside from what I get in spades from my kiddos). I had a dream, a "romance" dream, in which a secret admirer (and normally I abhor the thought of secret admirers) left me a present with a note explaining that he could tell I needed a gift. That was the whole dream, just someone being nice to me & caring. I know that's not in my future any longer...

I was telling my IC that the thought of growing old with SA/WH is depressing. The thought that something might happen to him & I'd be stuck having to be his caretaker is appalling. Or vice versa (since I know his version of caring for me is, literally, stepping over my prone body, BTDT, or abandoning me at the hospital for hours, BTDT). I certainly can no longer envision us growing old together in the good way.

I am disgusted with myself for being in limbo. I know why I'm here, I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm also aware that my employability is very low due to my physical limitations, so me being a breadwinner for three little ones is hardly a realistic option any longer. I hate this position.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:26 AM, December 25th (Sunday)]

dreamlife posted 12/25/2011 03:54 AM

Marking time...horrid feeling!

milia posted 12/25/2011 15:31 PM

Thanks gromit, del, Nature Girl and dreamlife for your responses.

While I am sorry you all are here, it really does sort of help to know I am not alone in this mess, that others do understand.

@dreamlife, such a sad term "marking time", but how appropriate.

Hugs and Merry Christmas to all!

phmh posted 12/26/2011 18:24 PM

Nature_Girl: have you been to see a lawyer to know what your expected child support and maintenance would be if you divorced? You might be surprised at how much you could get and that you could maintain your lifestyle.

In my state, my lawyer said that 15 years is what constitutes a long-term marriage, and you can get lifetime spousal support after that.

Perhaps if you knew more about the details of your options, you could make a more informed decision?

Hugs to you.

I posted in this limbo thread earlier, but have since realized we need to divorce. He's still in the fog, but I deserve to be with someone who loves me -- even if that's just myself! Being in limbo is the worst, but I felt a sense of relief once I made a decision. Best of luck to you.

(I only fear that I may be posting in here again when he comes to his senses and begs me back. I know I am making the right decision to D and not wait around, but it will be tough if he changes his mind. So technically I may still be in limbo. Hopefully it's OK that I post here.)

[This message edited by phmh at 6:25 PM, December 26th (Monday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 12/28/2011 14:13 PM

I am in limbo also. 2yrs and 4months. Dont know what the hell is going on and yes he is still in contact with bitch face.
But, on the flip side, I am stronger and he is showing lots of impovements with being home more and more, less time going out and hanging till all hours of the night, more attentive but if I bring up OW, the affair or us be blows a fuse. Talks about us in the furture and goes on like normal.

Nature_Girl posted 12/28/2011 14:24 PM

PHMH, I'm just now seeing your post to me. So sorry I didn't see it earlier!

I did go to a lawyer back in July. I was not impressed with him and would not hire him if we do proceed to D. He minimized everything I've been going through, said "it's not so bad", and suggested that porn addiction isn't addiction or infidelity. He also defended the fact that I found saved favorite teen porn sites on DH's computer (versus accidental pop-ups).

I did get the impression that we would be forking over everything we have as far as bank accounts are concerned to pay lawyer fees. We don't have that much to begin with. I got the impression that spousal support would be minimal, if anything, and that I would be expected to go out & get a job to support myself & the children.

Now that I've typed this all out I have to laugh and ask myself why on earth would I put any stock in anything that idiot said? I need to talk to a different lawyer!

BTW, I paid $250 for the privilege of speaking to that moron!

Harlowe posted 1/2/2012 16:47 PM

I am totally living in limbo...

In early November, I found out that my H of almost 9 years, had been having an EA for 2.5 months. The OP was a woman he dated and lived with 20 years ago.

He went total NC about a week after I found out about the A... but since then it's been all limbo.

H isn't so sure he wants to be married to me anymore. He says he feels uncomfortable around me and that he feels miserable in our marriage.

I want to stay married. I love my H despite what he did to our marriage and to my self-esteem. I cannot imagine H not being in my life.

We went to MC once... and since then I have been going to weekly (sometimes twice weekly) IC. H has only been to IC a few times because of his crazy work schedule.

I feel like I am playing tennis all alone. I keep vollying out the love but he isn't hitting the ball back...

H has never said the word "Reconciliation", instead he just says he is working on things.

I want my old husband back. :(

Melody3 posted 1/3/2012 11:10 AM

Thanks for your support milia

PlainsGirl29 posted 1/3/2012 11:54 AM

We are getting off the limbo train this week. wh is moving to his apt. He signed a 6 month lease. Plans are to refi current home, downgrade my vehicle and use 401 k to get a downpayment for a second home where I can afford, begin mediation probably by the summer and I plan to bust my butt pay off the home I get in the D by opening a daycare. It all sounds great in theory but who knows if it will all pan out. I am still sad and angry my M is ending, but will like the knowing and control over my life again.

frigidfire86 posted 1/5/2012 22:22 PM

It is soooo hard to share a house with someone who has hurt you this badly, who continues to avoid the entire issue and seems to have no issues of his own. He always acts so damn normal.

That's how my H is. He's been going on with life like normal and doesn't seem to get that my world is completely torn to shreds. This may sound stupid, but part of me wishes he'd have another A just so I'd have that reason to say "screw it!" and leave. He's given me a little of what I need, just enough to keep me around, but I haven't even gotten an apology or admission of guilt yet. I don't know how long I can stand to be in Limbo. It's driving me crazy, but I'm not ready for S/D either. Financially I can't afford it, and emotionally I'm not prepared. How have others gotten out of this crap and moved on?

always-hope posted 1/10/2012 12:47 PM


This may sound stupid, but part of me wishes he'd have another A just so I'd have that reason to say "screw it!" and leave.

No, that does not sound stupid because I have thought the same thing. I also believe that my WH's A is not the first, only the first I found out what keeps me here?

After DDay my answer was love for WH. Now as I think about it more:

I am financially (& insurance) dependant on WH. This is the biggest thing. If I had the money I would be gone,

DS1 needs to find a job, DS2 will graduate this yr, DS3 has 2 1/2 more yrs of HS.

Fear of a lot of irrational things (issues I am working on),

Love of what was, who I thought WH was and now see that he may actually never have been. Since DDay I have found out lies that WH has told me concerning other women going back to when we met.

I have been reading on the NPD & P/A threads. WH has some of the traits & my IC agreed but he has not been diagnosed as either.

WH went to 5 different IC's for a short period each:

#1(male)- WH lied to the first 6 weeks (said he did not have an affair) finally he he did tell the truth, soon after the C took a job offer in a different state.

#2(male)- would not see WH on a weekly basis unless WH was suicidal, WH came home with info on how we communicate. (I believe that is MC territory) IC tells WH that I am the problem, but WH cannot 'remember' exactly what the IC diagnosed for me who he had never met. WH tells me after 3 sessions that they have not even mentioned the affair

I have to say that I prefer WH to have a male IC because of his ability to overly charming & aquienscent, which makes me look like a total psycho bitch. (not that I have not had my psycho bitch moments since DDay, because I have)

We went to 2 female MC's (2000 & 2005, both while WH was in the EA/turned PA) and he lied to them both. They both did not see him as a big problem. The one in 2005 said to me: "I have seen men that hold a gun to their wives head, at least WH is not doing that" when I asked her if whe thought WH needed anger management. I said throwing stuff, breaking stuff, keeping me up all night, yelling obscenities in front of the kids is okay?

IC#3(female) again with the communication & not discussing the affair, she also had never met me & diagnosed me but WH could not remember with what.

IC #4(female) he did go in the first day & tell her she would be a problem for me because she resembled the OW in appearance(same eye & hair color, different than mine). Her response was 'we will get AH past it'. Again he came home saying that I am the problem, I cannot forgive. Like I just flip the switch & poof! all better without WH doing a thing.

#5 (female) this is the one that I thought could do the most good. She gave WH reading assignment from the book 'Getting Past the Affair', the first visit. WH stopped going & blamed it on me, said I fired her. After he told me he would continue with IC with her and he called to cancel...WH also told me that this IC was surprised that it was 'just' a weekend with OW.

It is so difficult in that WH can go on with life like nothing happened. I also think when I do 180, he's just fine with it because he still doesn't have to deal with it. I take care of me & the kids & WH takes care of his stuff. He's fine, but I am still hurting.

Thanks for listening.

Strength & Peace to all in Limbo. AH

[This message edited by always-hope at 4:18 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

disgust posted 1/10/2012 19:58 PM

Every single one of these posts sounds like me.

All I want is peace. I don't think I ask for much.

horseluvr posted 1/13/2012 14:47 PM

Yes to a little bit of all the posts. I do feel unloved, I am lonely, I do rely on my H insurance benefits and Im a SAHM with a health condition. Doesn't look to great on paper or on the screen I should say. I am trying to stay positive, I love my kids, I have good friends, and my animals I try and find something to be thankful for everyday but some days it may be the tiniest of things.
H say "luv ya" about 3 out of 7 days but I cant remember the last time he looked me in the eyes and said " I luv you horseluvr" Not sure what my future holds, just baby steps to being independant because I have a sick feeling, he's not in for the long haul.

HurtYetHealing posted 1/17/2012 12:29 PM

All I want is peace. I don't think I ask for much.

We're "trying" to R. But right now, I just need a break. I need that peace you so fondly speak of.

I miss him when we're not together, but I really just want to be alone right now.

I hate the uncertainty of it all. The not knowing, the always wondering, the feeling like you might actually be going insane because one minute you're happy, and the next you just want to cry.

I keep "zoning out". H will ask what I'm thinking of because I look sad. And I honestly have no idea what was going through my head.

Hello limbo. You are an unexpected stop on my journey through life. Can someone please find the exit sign? I want to get out.

[This message edited by HurtYetHealing at 12:38 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)]

Paperclip posted 1/18/2012 13:20 PM

I'm in limbo too. I just can't let myself trust him at this point. That he was able to lie to me for so long and so well has pretty much blown my mind.

Even though he's taken a poly and passed, I still have trouble believing him. I hate to say that. I wonder if this is how it will be the rest of my days!

And I never know which forum to post in, but I am really, really drawn to the Peace Train on NB...I wish there was a Peace Train for us limbo people.

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