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Support for BS in Limbo

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Paperclip posted 1/18/2012 13:20 PM

I'm in limbo too. I just can't let myself trust him at this point. That he was able to lie to me for so long and so well has pretty much blown my mind.

Even though he's taken a poly and passed, I still have trouble believing him. I hate to say that. I wonder if this is how it will be the rest of my days!

And I never know which forum to post in, but I am really, really drawn to the Peace Train on NB...I wish there was a Peace Train for us limbo people.

always-hope posted 1/19/2012 06:38 AM

All I want is peace also. Right now WH & I are not speaking, when we do there are harsh words both ways. I am really thinking that this 'peace' does not include WH in my life...

3 Doors Down - She Don't Want the World:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uxyNyyBEv0

(((All in Limbo)))

SickInMySoul posted 3/13/2012 13:13 PM

Feeling extra sad lately. My four year anti is coming up. I am not happy at all, but I can't find it in me to leave him. :( I don't want to live like this forever. I am SO jealous of happy couples. Just a sucky day.

Gotta get back to work, but I just needed to say to someone that I am not happy. :(

(((hugs to all limbo folks)))

Paperclip posted 3/14/2012 10:19 AM

(((sickinmysoul)))
I always get extra sad around the antiversary. My 4-year antiversary is this year also.
Hugs to you!

SickInMySoul posted 3/15/2012 12:59 PM

Thank you Paperclip (love your name! Ha, ha!!).

Hugs back atcha. It is the same with me, as you. SO hard for me to deal with the fact that he lied to me every.single.day for so long. He has NEVER been able to lie. Until then. Blows my mind too.

Somedays I think I am stuck like this forever. It is a heartbreaking thought. It isn't fair, to either of us. He really is a good man. VERY remorseful. He deserves a full happy marriage.

I ran across one of the folders of scans I have hidden in my work e-mail that is from a years worth of their e-mails to each other. It slapped me right in the face, as I was looking for an old scanned work document. I had fogotten they were in there from when I thought I had the yahoo's to divorce him.

I really thought I would be past this by now. So many other big family things have come up after DD that I think we never really were able to give it the work it needed. I could never tell anyone in "real life", but I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. I want to be. But I can't seem to put a crack in this huge wall I have built.

Yuck.

(((paperclip & all)))

hurting7897 posted 3/15/2012 14:49 PM

I can totally indentify with neverendinghurt. That's where I am. we are 6 weeks from d-day and I told my FWH last night, "i just dont know if I can ever forgive you." It wasn't said as an attack, I am just exhausted. Too much pain. I want R, I just don't know if I'll ever get there. He is doing everything right. But like you NeverEndingHurt, we were the perfect couple too. Everyone has always been envious of us. If only they knew the truth. It's so incredibly painful.

otto33 posted 3/21/2012 07:19 AM

SO many of us in the same spot and it sucks. Feeling sad because I was lied to and taken advantage of and our 3 kids were treated like 2nd class citizens so she could have a meet up. Used to make me sick/mad, now it makes me sad. Hate feeling this way, even though it is not all the time, it is every day and I hate that part of the day. Why are my brain & heart fighting over the same person; heart says stay, brain says run. Frustrating & painful.

HelplessNHurt posted 3/21/2012 19:31 PM

I can totally indentify with neverendinghurt. That's where I am. we are 6 weeks from d-day and I told my FWH last night, "i just dont know if I can ever forgive you." It wasn't said as an attack, I am just exhausted.

Too much pain. I want R, I just don't know if I'll ever get there. He is doing everything right. But like you NeverEndingHurt, we were the perfect couple too. Everyone has always been envious of us. If only they knew the truth. It's so incredibly painful.

This is exactly where I am! I *thought* we were perfect - *thought* we had a great M, were right for eachother, were best friends and, instead, I was SOOO wrong. And, I was betrayed and hurt and uprooted by the person who was NEVER, EVER supposed to do any of that. My WS was supposed to be the one to protect me, to love me, to be by my side forever, in good and bad, always...and, instead, my WS has broken me. And, at times, I don't think this break can be repaired. We are trying and WS does try very hard. But, I can only hope it will be enough.

js_girl posted 3/29/2012 09:13 AM

I realized last night why limbo is so hard for me, why Ican't simply D my WH when he's clearly fencesitting. I'm not ready to be rejected again. Waiting for him to be stable on meds and clear-headed enough to make a decision about his life is less painful than putting D before him now, saying "You can choose us or you can choose her," and the fear of having him walk away. I'm just not strong enough to handle that yet. I wish I could say I am, but I'm not there yet. Apparently, I need time, too.

noname123 posted 5/2/2012 14:03 PM

What is going to push me over the edge?

2 years since D-Day and drudgery of Limbo-land has me a beaten man.

There is no hope for R if WW will never own up to the things (not including the OM) that brought down the marriage. For her, keeping herself the victim leaves her a perfect platform for not having to look at herself.

I am staying in M sheerly out of fear for how it will affect my 2 sons who are only couple years from college.

Sleep in separate rooms, haven't touched in any meaningful way since then, and it dawned on me in 2 years she has never smiled or shown the least bit of affection towards me. To her I am a real efficient workhorse, making the money, pulling more than my half...while she plays the victim all brought on from me, her children, family, her childhood, and her life in general. No reason for her to leave, doesn't have to work, OM is long gone, grass will not be greener on the other side for her....

50 and I just want to move on with my life, how did you do it?

What thought came into your mind that pushed you over the edge to finally cut and run?

FrozenTear posted 5/12/2012 03:44 AM

It's been a full year since we officially started to R but there are days I do wonder *if* I can rebuild the trust in him. I know it will be very important to have it when he is out of school (max 2 years) and is in his profession. I feel so tired most of the time of trying. Especially when we do butt heads and he reminds me how I am not being fair. I want to give him credit for the efforts he has done but not always sure I want to credit him with a life-long acceptance.

I just wish there was some stronger evidence that he had learned his lesson and when it's all side and done that I don't just be lonely and bitter toward him, love or my own judgments.

TXMommy posted 5/15/2012 12:54 PM

Can I join? Seriously, I have felt like I am in limbo for about the past year... It'll be 2 years this summer, I he thinks I should be over it. I told him the other day, yeah, it's done, it's out, we've pretty much moved on (because it is NEVER discussed), but it's never really going to go away. I'm never going to be able to forget. I've made the conscious decision to FORGIVE what you've done, and not to PUNISH you for what you did. I just don't know if I can LOVE him again. I'm really not sure I even like him sometimes. We have two beautiful kids, and I want so much for them to see a loving, happy marriage between their parents. How can I do that when the most I feel for him MOST of the time is tolerance?

MyReturn2Me posted 5/15/2012 13:02 PM

Me too Txmommy, me too
((Hug))

hopefulfutur posted 5/15/2012 13:26 PM

I know we all have this feeling, and for those of you who have been past your Dday for years, it is sad to hear this still lingers.

I love him, I know I do. But I think of why I want to put myself through this stress? There will always be that nagging fear in the background, why didn't he answer, why didn't he tell me he was going there?

I want it to get better but it just kind of lingers, and he can't understand why.

Everyday I'm losing my umph. I want to come home and sleep. I don't want to do chores, I don't want to go out. I just want to read novels and sleep. I have no drive to want to do anything else.

Is anyone going through that? is it still affecting other parts of your lives months and years out? I want to go back to enjoying my life. How do i get there?

TXMommy posted 5/15/2012 14:28 PM

Everyday I'm losing my umph. I want to come home and sleep. I don't want to do chores, I don't want to go out. I just want to read novels and sleep. I have no drive to want to do anything else.

Is anyone going through that? is it still affecting other parts of your lives months and years out? I want to go back to enjoying my life. How do i get there?

I could write this... And, it's almost 2 years out for us. I'm not sure if it's normal, however. My WH works out of the state 4 out of every 6 weeks. It's been hard for me to connect with him since the A, but about a year ago, he started THIS job, and I feel like our relationship is at a complete standstill. It hasn't gotten worse, but the very little that has gotten better is minimal. I love him, I think. Sometimes I just question if I tell myself I love him because I WANT to love him.

freebird0120 posted 5/23/2012 13:48 PM

I too am in limbo. It's the worst feeling to know that you will do whatever it takes, compromise yourself to try to make a difference.

I call him my husband because we've been together going on 15 years now, but we aren't legally married, just common law.

Aug. 2011 is when I found out about OW. First I got the ILYBINILWY speel...long story short I was yoyo'd back and forth for about 3 months. He'd say he wanted to work on it, then didn't, then did, you get the idea. Nov. 2011 my daughter and I moved out and he fell apart. Ended it with OW (whom he works with) and asked us to come back. We did and things were going ok. I was still dealing with all of the pain that infidelity brings on, but I was doing pretty good until last week when I found out he'd been calling her again on their work phones. Lied to me and then admitted it. Since then he's been down and depressed. Says he loves me and wants to work it out, but feels lost and alone. Says he doesn't have anyone he can talk to. (OW was his ear and shoulder to cry on before they took it too far.)Says he doesn't know where he fits in or belongs.

Why do they always make it about them. I'm dealing with some pretty heavy stuff myself, but still want to be there for him and ease his pain. What about me though...
I don't know how much more I can take...

FrozenTear posted 5/26/2012 04:43 AM

TXMommy, I completely been asking myself that questions lately. We been working on it but the work I have asked him to do is a stand still right now and I feel like I want to give up. I know I love him but right now I really don't know if I really want to value that emotion at all, especially with him.

FrozenTear posted 5/26/2012 04:49 AM

@hopefulfutur, I was like that last summer and autumn. The 1 year mark of his melt-down really hit me a lot harder than I thought. From October 15th - December 19th to me is now a blackout zone. I am dreading it coming around again. It was year before that when he was having online and fantasies A with people (took him 3 weeks to remember every one...hopefully) and there are times now where I just want to focus on a project and not think, feel or deal with him or the 'home' that he helped shatter.

I did feel better after the holidays. I forced myself to take a couple of classes and go to work for a friend in helping her with her business and started too feel more energy...at least towards my life. My house is still a wreck and 'maintaining' the home at all is a struggle for me.

mitz66 posted 5/26/2012 20:01 PM

I think I will post here. 5 yrs of limbo coming up. Everytime I think we are getting somewhere, I find out he is still in contact with ow. I am getting to a decision however. I will wait until my sons wedding is over this summer, then I will get myself of the limbo fence. My irl friend says I should do what is right for me now rather than wait.

I don't want drama to surround the wedding. I lasted this long what is another few months. Glad this thread is here and I hate that we are stuck.

noescape posted 5/27/2012 06:16 AM

and I want so much for them to see a loving, happy marriage between their parents. How can I do that when the most I feel for him MOST of the time is tolerance?

So painful posted 5/29/2012 14:41 PM

Four years and four months since Dday.

I wasn’t in limbo initially. I truly thought we were on the road to R. But as the rose colored glasses have slowly come off it’s apparent that in four years we’ve only managed to achieve limbo status.

WH still works with OW. No amount of pleading or prodding will change that. The A is over but he believes that a minimum level of “cordialness” around her is necessary to “keep up appearances” for the sake of his job. Problem is he keeps the majority of this to himself. Still omits, minimizes and even lies to protect himself. Not just about contact with her, other things as well. In general, however, WH and I get along quite well under the circumstances.

I read the stories here and see heart breaking situations of people in limbo who truly have no way out. That’s not my situation. Our children are grown and on their own. I have a job that would not lavishly but comfortably support me. Excellent health. No substantial debt and one of the first things I did four years ago was start setting a little money aside that he knew nothing about. I have even paid a retainer to a divorce attorney.

I’ve been in IC off and on trying to figure out WHY I’m still willing to sit here in Limbo. I tell my IC it’s because of our children. Even though they are grown adults with children of their own I can’t easily do something that will bring their world crashing down upon them.

I’m sure the real truth is fear. Fear of what I just haven’t been able to figure out yet. It's not the fear of being alone. It's not the fear of "what if" because I know now I'm never going to get the kind of R that I need. In the meantime, I go through the motions day after day.

Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

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