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Support for BS in Limbo

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neverendinghurt posted 7/9/2011 12:43 PM

I got a lot of "I don't remember" and "I don't know".

I accept that he isn't likely to remember every detail but I know that often it was a case that he simply didn't want to remember.

Part of the problem with H is that not only is he very ashamed of what he did, he is very ashamed that he did it with the particular woman.

Once he ended it with her, he wanted to block it out of his mind, and he did to some extent.

milia posted 7/9/2011 12:56 PM

Yep, I don't believe for one moment that the "I don't remembers" are true. I think he just doesn't want me to know.

I am also dealing with his therapist who is a believer in the not sharing of details of his IC visits and who sees no purpose to his answering my questions. Can't find another IC who accepts our insurance, so we are stuck with him for awhile.

neverendinghurt posted 7/9/2011 12:59 PM

Is the IC helping in anyway? To be honest, I wouldn't want my H seeing an IC that didn't see the point in answering my questions.

I should add that I don't have a lot of faith in IC.

seeker2010 posted 7/9/2011 13:41 PM


[This message edited by seeker2010 at 11:13 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]

seeker2010 posted 7/9/2011 13:47 PM


[This message edited by seeker2010 at 11:14 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]

SabinatheOwl posted 7/9/2011 14:03 PM

*Raises hand* Another BW who hears the "I forgot", or I can't remember", or, my personal favorite, "I already told you ____ but you've forgotten." At this point I think I'm in the bargaining stage. If only, woulda, coulda, shoulda, etc . I'm trying to get back to detachment. My SAWH is unwilling/incapable of being honest and is emotionally shut off. I've decided that I'm done. I thought I'd forgiven him, but I was wrong. My judgement of this man is consistently wrong. So I'm biding my time. Trying to heal.

I too wish I had something to offer other than hugs and understanding, but right now that's all I've got.

~ Sabina

neverendinghurt posted 7/9/2011 14:43 PM

I spent the first two years trying to R, or at least get to a place where R seemed possible or desirable.
For me, that meant clearing away all of the crap of the infidelity and aftermath.

H thought that was possible by sweeping it under the rug. It isn't, the crap is still there, it is just hidden by a rug. It doesn't matter how new or pretty the rug is, lift it or move it just a little and you see the filth underneath it.

It seems that a lot of us are in a similar position. It isn't that we didn't want R, it's that we haven't had from our spouse what we need to R.

horseluvr posted 7/9/2011 15:39 PM

What a great idea. I thought I was crawling out of limbo, but this past week I jumped back in. I still don't know the story. I have pieces of the puzzle that I have put together based on my own info. He won't talk, still denies, would love it if I just put it in the past. I know he will go to his grave with it. I seriously feel like I need to start planning my future w/o him. Just have a feeling he's not in it for the long haul.

horseluvr posted 7/9/2011 15:42 PM

Do you guys think maybe they won't share with us because it's the secret they shared with AP. Kind of like they can still be in fantasy land and think back, if they tell us about it, we will be intruders into their relationship. Just a thought.

milia posted 7/9/2011 18:42 PM

Sorry I wasn't here to answer your last question NEH, had to run out to look for some replacement canning supplies.

Anyway...we feel his IC is better than no least he seems to be helping a bit with his FOO issues.
On the up side, WH has recently said that he is coming around to my way of thinking as far as how can it be helping to continue avoiding issues when that's what got us here in the first place. Maybe he is beginning to "get it", IDK.

I don't even know if it is worth it at this late date.
I don't know if anything will ever make a difference.

horseluvr, I honestly have no idea why they won't share. I certainly hope it's not because they want to keep something special for themselves to remember. That is a horrifying thought to consider. Mine claims embarrassment, but I don't entirely believe that. I don't know what to believe.

Don't you wish you were psychic enough to be able to read minds on command?

Going To Make It posted 7/9/2011 20:04 PM

Add me to this select group - the ones who just don't know if we're in or out.

I am neither D, S or R. To be R, I would have to know the full extent of all his betrayals and he doesn't have the backbone for that.

He will only admit what I have solid proof of, nothing more.

I don't love him or hate him. I am able to repeat ILY when he says it to me, but the feelings are not there. It's as if I'm just saying a line in a play/tv show it's what is expected.

I believe he will never do this again or hook up with his xw/ltow. I don't believe he ever loved me. I know he didn't protect my reputation, he actually lied and smeared it along with my mother's.

I am still with him because I gave up a career to allow him to chase his. I made a deal with the devil and now it's his turn to pay up!

And pay up he will, I don't want access to only half of his money, I want full access. He's a dick head, but he pays well.

Thanks mods for the new room!

neverendinghurt posted 7/9/2011 20:17 PM

Do you guys think maybe they won't share with us because it's the secret they shared with AP. Kind of like they can still be in fantasy land and think back, if they tell us about it, we will be intruders into their relationship. Just a thought.

I am as certain as I can be that is not the reason that H lied or "doesn't remember".

When he has talked about it, about ow, I can tell that he is horrified by it.

For those that don't already know, H met her in a chat room, and it was telephone sex from the first night. detail to H She even gave him her home phone number that first night.

They spent about 5 weeks having telephone sex
then they met for a weekend. Followed by another weekend two or three weeks later.

He cut the second week short and dumped her.

So, no I don;t think he looks back fondly on any of it, he is pretty disgusted with himself.

ThePilotsWife86 posted 7/9/2011 20:38 PM

Going to make it.... I love what you said!!!!!

Some of the things I read reminded me of when it all came out...I asked my H what was the name of one of the OW he had been screwing for 2 years...He said "I can't remember" I've been laughing my butt off all night about that. At the time I was pissed and I had forgotten about it but now its funny as shit. You screw someone for 2 1/2 yrs and you can't remember their name!!!!! What a shithead!

whydidyou posted 7/9/2011 22:02 PM

I can't remember, I forget, it wasn't important enough to remember,I don't remember it that way, she's a liar.

remorse? Yes

able to put my needs first to heal? I think not.

reverting to pre A behavior? Yes

Know's/see's that he is doing that? No

IC him? never

MC? 6 session's poor fit. Does not believe in it anyway.

has never talked about A to another living soul, except, MC (once I think), MOW, me.

say's he know's his why, and has it all figured out. Won't do it again.

Does not "need" to talk about to anyone, pretty sure that includes me.

Unless I bring it up, I don't other anymore.

help's me in no way, and he does not feel the need to talk about A any further.

It is just my way of punishing him, or "my" obsessive behavior on my part.

H is not happy period, not at work,
hates job, not at home ( no peace/ o balance)

never enough sex.

never enough money.

Never enough fun.

can't retire soon enough.

the way I hear it? there is nothing good about our life, marriage, future.

Until I heal myself.

Until I am cured.

Until I can make this work as a team.

were was the team when he f'ed
MOW, where was thenteam when He lied for month's put me through hell with his cruelity,where was the team when he was feeling vulnerable, lonely, taken for granted, an outsider in his own family?.

Where the fuck was the collaboration

Sorry guys just having a bad day.

God, I needed to get that out.

ETA: Just realized..... I guess we were never a team, I just didn't see it.
Think I am going go finish a good cry

[This message edited by whydidyou at 10:12 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]

MixedUpMess posted 7/9/2011 22:10 PM

never mind

[This message edited by MixedUpMess at 8:34 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]

Going To Make It posted 7/10/2011 07:43 AM

Thanks PW, it sucks that my marriage turned out this way, I didn't want it to (none of us did).

I don't always live in the marital home. I have a little place in Fl that I go to for some space. I'm trying to get my new career off the ground and I do have the financial support I need, but that's about it.

I just spent a week with my bff. He joined us half way through and nit picked at my bff the whole time. She didn't help.

He doesn't want me to have an intrests outside of him and he's not to happy that I do.

When xw/ow called to out him in 04, I told him he had to call her back and tell her he didn't love her, he loved me. He said "I can't hurt her that way"

I don't trust anything he says about the LTA, but I do believe him when he says he's picking up milk from the store

He expects me to believe he loves only me, that i'm the love of his life, that i'm the best sexual partner he's ever had, blah, blah, blah. His actions haven't shown me that and it's just to little to late at this point. We still have sex, but that's all it is, just another bodily function like brushing my teeth or combing my hair.

I don't need him for anything but money and he realizes it. He used me to appear respectable and now I'm using him.

ThePilotsWife86 posted 7/10/2011 09:11 AM

GTMI...I know what you mean, it does suck that it turned out like this. Every morning I wake up and think ughhhhh I wish I had something to be excited about. Seems like your moving along with your life and your H is just a small part of it. I need to get to that point.

My H still flies so when he is on a trip my mind wonders alot. If he calls and says "going out to diner and a few drinks with the captain" that translate to me as "going out to pick up my next whore". I can't help it but that is what I think and that sick feeling in my stomach starts up. There is no trust at all.

He used me to appear respectable and now I'm using him.

Such a true statement for me. H always wants to look good to everyone else but when he one is looking. He can do whatever he wants and how am I to find out.

Going To Make It posted 7/10/2011 10:23 AM

PW, girl I've got 5 years on you. You will get there, not to worry. dh's (just so we're clear, it's dick head) first career was in the Navy, he was in for 10 years when I met him, so it was easy for him to do as he wanted and in his words to his numerous slunts "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and his second career also has him away for 90% of the time.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I learned the mantra early on that "I can't control what he does" only my reaction to it.

If I expect it, then it won't be a shock, kwim? So, anything goes now, my expectations are below sea level

I cannot nor will I ever give my heart to him. He had that chance and threw me away. He in his fog doesn't realize it and thinks we are just the perfect pair, soul mates even. What we are is FWB that has children and history together.

I want my children to believe in fairy tales, who know's it might happen for them. If they find themselves one day in the same pair of shoes as I was, then I will pick them up and help them through it as best as I can.

Now is the time to start living PW. You can have a life, you've got an empty nest. Seriously, start a new adventure. I don't mean take up knitting or the local water color class (unless that's what you really want to do) I mean try out the zip line at the zoo or ski mountain.

I participate in Pirate Festivals, Ren Fairs and such. To assist with my speach, I hired a private tutor. My point is do something you thought you would NEVER do.

Take advantage of his status as a Pilot, I would be jetting around the world when he is away! Since dh was in the Navy and always on cruise, I use to tell him when he retires I was going to join a cruise line and since I was a bartender at that time, it seemed like a great job to take floating on the Med.

[This message edited by Going To Make It at 10:25 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]

milia posted 7/10/2011 10:53 AM


Wow, sounds like you sure are married to an idiot. I know we all pretty much are, but yours sounds extremely selfish.
If he expects there to be a team effort someone needs to explain to him that there is more than one person on a team.

Anyway, hope you are feeling at least a little bit better today. Your post was so sad.

I can relate to the part where he implies that no part of his life with you makes him happy. Mine doesn't feel much happiness either.
I did ask him not too long ago what makes him feel happy...his reply...his job!
Put me in my place.

Razor always likens this situation as having to eat a s**t sandwich (pardon the language)and the more I think about it that way, the more I agree with him.

As I said earlier, hope you are feeling better today after your cry. I know sometimes it helps a little.


jsngold posted 7/12/2011 05:55 AM

Yesterday, I asked my wife: "Why do you avoid me?"

She responded: "Because I am tired, and you are always harping on me." Then she stormed off.

I don't understand. How I can "harp" on her when we never talk to each other?

Because I am working the 180, I only bring up the topic of "us" once every 3 months.

But apparently that is called "always harping" on her.

I am so sick of limbo. But not enough to consider divorce a better alternative. And I have to strangle any fantasies of my wife wanting to reconcile. So it is back to limbo.


atsenaotie posted 7/12/2011 07:23 AM

Hi all, I will try the new thread too. I got TT for 6-7 months, then some details, and nothing since. She does not want to talk about it, does not want to "give energy" to the thoughts. I know there is more, but I accept what happened.

My limbo comes from the aftermath. The year after dday was an epiphany for fww. She began to realize her role in our dysfunction, and that I was not the source of everything wrong in the M and her life. She did IC for about 7 months for borderline personality traits, and we are trying some MC now. She is deeply ashamed of what she did, and this eats at her. She still sees things in black and white, all good or bad for the most part. When she is angry, she still targets me as the cause of everything that went wrong. Sex? She is now struggling with childhood SAb issues that she did not think were that big a deal prior to the IC. I envy those that “only” have sex 1-2 times a month; we can go 3 months between sex. She does not like to hug, does not like to kiss, but touch and quality time are my love languages. Scheduling time with me she says is another obligation she has to find time for.

Geesh, I write this all out it seems perfectly clear that I should be moving on. Finances are the big issue for me. Our house is underwater, older son is in college; fww lost her job a while back. Money is tight. I suspect D would lead to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I make a good salary, and have a prospect for a job with a significant bump. If I get that job, finances may be better but it will require moving from a house we cannot sell. It will still be tough to keep a kid in school, prepare for another in college in 3 years, and pay to support her and I separately.

Or we just keep living as we do now, much like the last 5-6 years before dday. She does her thing, and I do mine. We have sex 3-4 times a year. She visits her family without me. My sil is uncomfortable around me because she knew about the A’s, both step-daughters knew about the A’s and the older one blames me for everything wrong in the family, much like her mother did.

I used to love her so much, despite what I now see was emotional abuse. There just does not seem to be anything to work with now. Once our eyes are opened…

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