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Support for BS in Limbo

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crossroads2010 posted 7/5/2012 06:52 AM

Wow, Heart...blender. That is along time to be in denial/limbo. I think maybe for me it has been almost 40 years of denial...I really did not see infidelity coming...was totally blindsided, but now that it has happened and I know I missed it the first time 20 years ago, I will never get to a place where I don't expect it to happen again, or at least know that it won' now i am no longer in denial. Now it is limbo. It changes so much to not be able to see your life in clear focus a month from now, or a year, or 5 years.

nofun posted 7/10/2012 06:44 AM

The one thing that bothers me the most about being in Limbo is the lost connection. I don't feel the connection at all and I know I never will. There is no intimacy in our relationship anymore. The mind movies kill me.

I hate the thought of him touching me let alone having sex.

What do you do? Are you still having sex? Limbo is confusing enough and then add sex to the equation.

This is the most painful experience of my life and yet, like everyone else here, all I think about is everyone else and how a divorce will affect my children and even my H. I too know it's fear, but what I am afraid of I'm not sure.

Hugs to all.

So painful posted 7/10/2012 13:56 PM


Yes, we still have sex. Not as often nor as intimately. There are certain "things" I don't feel inclined to want to do anymore because, under the circumstances, it feels like giving too much of myself away. It's also gotten to the point that I usually feel rather empty afterwards.

I understand your comment about the lost connection. My H and I get along fine on a daily basis and he's giving as much as he can to make the situation right I suppose. But it's just not the things I need him to give and we can't seem to get over this obstacle. I don't expect we ever will.

This is the most painful experience of my life and yet, like everyone else here, all I think about is everyone else and how a divorce will affect my children and even my H. I too know it's fear, but what I am afraid of I'm not sure.

My feelings exactly.

I just read through the last couple of pages on this topic and, as a general observation, see several of us here in almost the exact same circumstances. Mature women in long-term marriages with families (or without) who are fearful of change or the unknown or something else we cannot define.

For me, destroying my family by divorcing my H would break what is left of my heart. I can't stand the thought that the whole ugly A would be exposed for them to see. As someone else mentioned, I, too, feel entitled to keep the lifestyle I know I've worked hard for. I wish it weren't so but it is.

So very many reasons so many of us are in our own Limbo hell. I wish I could sit with each one of you and hold your hand so you would know you are not alone.

gonogo1 posted 7/12/2012 06:06 AM

Maybe this is we're I belong . I have been S from WH for 3years , not a legal S.Have been sitting on the papers couldn't figure out why I haven't sent them .Well I can live alone proved that , I am resourceful enough to support myself if I need to , I have a large social circle.I am making myself happy and I am less angry . I have used this 3 years to work on me . WH wants to come home ,A over regrets the whole thing , grass not greener on other side of the fence , crazier over there , go figure .Can I trust him , no not yet , can he be open honest don't know yet . I am willing to see if this has a future but he has to do work on himself and not blame shift .Before I take him back I want a post nuptial agreement to protect me .He has to go into councilling .Still in limbo land .But I can see clearer now, this gives me peace and is the right decesion for me . I may eventually decide to D who knows . Another A would be a deal breaker.

[This message edited by gonogo1 at 6:09 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]

So painful posted 7/12/2012 09:10 AM


I'm sorry you've ended up here in Limbo.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and you deserve to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. I agree that a post-nup should be a requirement before even thinking about letting him back into your home. Have the two of you ever tried MC? Now might be a good time to give it a try.

gonogo1 posted 7/12/2012 13:20 PM

Yes , we gave MC a spin in 2010 I didn't know he had taken the A underground. We had not moved back in together . Right now I'm asking myself What's different . Apparently AP has gone south , he has his head pulled slightly out of his ass but who knows . I can move on if he's sucking me in again .Which I cannot forget . He is still blame shifting and IC for him is necessary . MC this time he pays for everything as I don't plan to pay a cent to fix this .He needs IC first . If he doesn't arrange it , game over , next .

So painful posted 7/12/2012 14:48 PM

gonogo - You don't NEED him in your life. You've proven that. If you think you might WANT him in your life then asking him to get into IC and, perhaps later, MC is a good strategy. It will give yourself time to watch what he does and access how it will affect you. You can, and should, set the pace for any attempt to get back together.

How recently did the AP go south? Please don't be tricked into letting him treat you like a "back-up plan"!

gonogo1 posted 7/12/2012 18:55 PM

She apparently has been out of the picture for about a year , fishing occasionally. She is psycho so no thought to return there . I have been thinking this evening to continue with Seperation Agreement as it has all the elements I require for my financial protection . IC and MC are slow processes , and I don't plan to spend too much more time at this unless there is progress .it won't impede my dating life as there is none .
I don't think I am a very soft place to land as I tore strips off him the other evening , some pent up anger for him to listen to finally . He is conflict avoident .The Seperation Agreement may send him running .This is so typical of US. Lol . It took us 3 years to buy a house . Haha It will take us 10 years to D .

SGRBEET posted 7/12/2012 20:20 PM

I am finally doing it....I scheduled a polygraph for my husband for tomorrow and I am very nervous. He is very angry that I am resorting to this but he has been lying and tt'ing me to death for the last 2 1/2 years. I need to know that he isn't lying about what he did so I can move on from this.

I was totally blindsided when I found out I had HPV and cervical cancer and even then he said "he didn't do anything!". He has since told me that he was "inappropriate" with a stripper and that's basically it. I don't believe him.

Say a prayer for me that I will be strong enough to see this through.

I need to get out of this "limbo hell" I am in. How can you ever find peace when you don't have the pieces????

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 8:20 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

gonogo1 posted 7/13/2012 19:39 PM

I hear you

I need to get out of this "limbo hell" I am in. How can you ever find peace when you don't have the pieces????

Good luck with the poly , That is what I need to do .

gonogo1 posted 7/16/2012 17:45 PM

Moving forward . Will ask lawyer to initiate Seperation Agreement next week if WH does not show any action toward R arranging C or discussing my emotional or financial safety .

So painful posted 7/17/2012 09:43 AM


As hard as it might be, you have to do what is necessary to take care of yourself.

SGRBEET posted 7/18/2012 01:44 AM

He took the polygraph and devastated beyond belief. He lied about so many things. He even tried to deny it when I showed him the results. I can't believe I was married to this person.

I was so devastated that I drank to the point that I passed out to get rid of the pain.

I don't know if I can go on.....I am talking to the counselor and psychiatrist about all this but the pain in unbearable.

I can't figure out what I did wrong to have him do this to me. What could I have done that was so horrible that I deserved this?

I am unable to eat or sleep and I have been crying all day and night. I can't even look at him without feeling disgust and despair.

How do I go on?

So painful posted 7/18/2012 10:21 AM


I am so very, very sorry things turned out this way.

I can't figure out what I did wrong to have him do this to me. What could I have done that was so horrible that I deserved this?

The answer is NOTHING and NOTHING. I know you've probably heard this before but there is nothing wrong with YOU. He's the one that's messed up.

You can go on and you will go on. It's unbearable right now but you WILL get your legs back under you again. You need some time to process this. Grieve the loss you have just suffered (and it was a loss). Cry it out. Let the counselor and psychiatrist help you. Figure out what you want to do. You will go on.

I know you are feeling lower than low right now. Do your best to take care of yourself. Try to eat a little something. You need all your strength.

(((big hugs)))

SGRBEET posted 7/18/2012 13:13 PM

Thank you So Painful.

I can't explain this to any of my friends or family. It's beyond belief what he has done.

If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would still be here.

I am trying my best....whatever that is...I don't have the skills to deal with this devastation.

Thank you for all of your support.

So painful posted 7/18/2012 13:51 PM


It's just getting through minute by minute. One foot in front of the other. That's the only way to deal with this kind of devastation.

You are probably still in shock. Once that subsides you will be able to see things more clearly. In the meantime, do continue to try to take care of yourself as best you can. Your kiddos need you.

gonogo1 posted 7/18/2012 21:23 PM

(((SGRBEET))) One breath at a time , a deep one let it out slowly and another .You will get through this , don 't drink it will only
Ale you more depressed. , read everything you can get your hands on to help you . It's about you and the kids now .Contact a lawyer re your legal rights .Pray , exercise , eat , distract yourself with something you like to do , post . It sucks this has happened to you . You will survive this , the best thing about this for me is how I have grown over the last 3 years .How much patience I have acquired .Cry be angry , grieve you have to go through it not around it .

itispainful posted 7/20/2012 10:21 AM


Hang in there. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but know we are here for you and we totally understand. Like So Painful, I wish we could all hold hands and physically be there.

My H also said that all he did was something that went "too far" with a stripper. That hurts too. It was gas on the fire. My heart and soul are with you.

SGRBEET posted 7/20/2012 17:20 PM

itis painful....thank you!

I saw my psychiatrist today and we discussed separating. I think it is the only option. I can't live like this anymore. The pain of him being here still lying to me and himself about who he is and what he did is unbearable.

I have to get out of this marriage..........

always-hope posted 8/15/2012 09:33 AM

Question for those in limbo...

Are you doing the 180, working on yourself? Are you in IC, WS in IC or in MC?

We had a rough week last week. WH had vacation so I took the week off, unpaid which affects my bills. (WH & I still have everything separate)

Horrible, horrible week, arguements, fighting, nasty words both ways. The thing is that we are both stuck here financially. WH could up & leave like he did a few years ago and I really expect that is what will eventually happen....that and he will cheat again.

This just really sucks, worse than when he was in the A.

I do not feel that he is in an A now. Nor are we in R.

WH started with a new IC last night. When he got home I was watching a movie with DS. WH sat down & watched the remainder of the movie. I asked a question about the movie (not specifically to WH or DS) WH answered.

When the movie ended, I took the DVD out, went & got ready & went to bed. No words spoken by either of us. I was waiting for WH to initiate a conversation about his IC appt, tell me how it went, but nothing. WH got up & went in for OT this morning. No goodbye, no text when he went on break. Nothing.

He did say last week that he thought the IC was going to advise him to D me. (I also told him last week that the IC that I was seeing during & right after his A advised me to D WH...)

Anyway, just getting this out as there is no one IRL that I can talk to about anything.

JanaGreen posted 8/16/2012 08:49 AM

Can I join this ICR thread?

I've been here on SI since Aug. 2009, when my H confessed a stupid drunken ONS to me. Well, I immediately started posting in R, knew that was the right thing, etc. Things seemed ok for a while but went downhill again the more he started drinking more . . . I had no trust, always checking up, never finding a smoking gun, but just enough to get me upset, he reacted against my upset by locking his electronics down, etc. We've gone back and forth about getting divorced. He filed June 12. Now he says he wants to stop the divorce (said this almost two weeks ago - yet has STILL not contacted his lawyer to stop it), go to counseling,etc. Only caveat - I'm supposed to "let everything go" - including the original ONS, the emails I found that he CLAIMS were just to a friend, the fact that he started texting with his ex after he filed D, the fact that he kissed another woman at a bar and gave her his number/texted with her for a while (But Jana, we were getting divorced!) while all the while telling me that he still loved me/sleeping with me, etc.

It's a lot to get past and I feel like an idiot. But I also can't seem to stop fighting to keep us together, even though I know if I didn't have my daughter, I'd run like hell. I know "but he's a good dad" gets thrown around a LOT on here, but he is. A great dad. And we are a good team as parents, and I don't want to give that up if there's a chance we can make it work.

I'm SO scared. The lady who did our marriage counseling has been out of town for three weeks. She's coming back next week. I think she knows exactly what's going on with him/in his head and I'm praying that she can get through to him. I think he WANTS to be a good husband but he needs to fix his shit and right now he is SO super defensive. I just don't know what to do.

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