I have an appointment for a consultation with a L next week.
I also have an appointment to start with a new IC.
I have to do something, WH told me he is just waiting until I come around. He is done with IC, went for a few months this time. He says he is fixed, I am the problem.
Hopefully these two steps help me break out of this limbo.
Been in limbo for three months. WW moved out last week and is still in the affair fog. Reconciliation clearly does not seem likely so I am 180ing, working through my fears of being alone, and waiting for prozac to take effect so I can gather my strength to D. I never realized that hope can be such a powerful enemy.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I never thought I would be someone who didnt stand up for herself, who didnt know how to walk away from a bad relationship. But I just can't. I'm afraid that if we split up we would have to split custody and I would never see my children. I'm afraid of what they would learn about life from just him without me there to help.
I'm afraid of being alone. Every time I think that it's so bad I should leave, be does a nice thing and I'm sucked back in, thinking I was just crazy anyway.
It just feels like there is something wrong with me and I'll feel like this forever.
I'm starting to think that I caused the A. When I think about how I was then, it makes sense. Of course he wanted to be with her. Young, fresh, fun, attractive. I was old, washed up, grumpy, no fun. I wouldn't have wanted to be with me either. And I sure wouldn't want to be with me now.
If there is not immediate remorse and NC, it is doubtful to ever occur. Get off the sinking ship while you can.
I want him to be the man I thought I married. I want him to control his temper, not cheat on me and be a good guy. He said he will go to counseling to change.
The real truth is that I don't know if he loves me enough to make changes for me. I think he wants to be with me because he always get his way. I don't think he'll like a changed me.
To further complicate matters, I have an 18 month son who loves his dada (but loves his mama more I guess I am waiting to see how things progress.
At least this fence is mine to own and
EA-WH 1yr+ out from Dday and NC just now looking at ME, showing remorse a little, answering questions, etc.
I've been in IC for 2 mos.
I went in depressed and didn't know it, desperate, STUCK, ill, anxious, emotional and a total mess.
Yay for klonopin and prozac - once I started to sleep I felt a little better, then the proz kicked in and I'm feeling a little better everyday.
From Dday to my "give up moment" and starting IC I was working f/t and the sole support for our home/family, going to school f/t, having multiple health issues, and overwhelmed with all that and ds's activities. I was hanging on by a thread.
Over the last 2 mos since finding SI and going to IC I feel less crazy (gaslighted), more self-assured, more self-respect, more sure "i can do this" whatever "this" is, and calmer. It no longer seems insurmountable to look at this situation and think "what do I want to do".
My IC is seeming a little dang pushy about it all
I think she knows I want to D, has known, and just wants me to admit it and begin planning.
I'm still working out that I have no responsibility for his lazy, irresponsible, uncaring, selfish self. I don't have to make sure he has a home and food. I don't have to make sure he can be around for ds.
Not very long ago, week or so, my ds gave me the greatest gift - he freed me from my greatest fear and anxiety by telling me he could tell I was really struggling and he wanted me to know that no matter what happened he knows he is loved by dad and me and no matter what he'll be ok, with both parents together or one at a time.
Why am I still feeling "limbo"?
I feel like if I tell WH that I want a divorce, move out or I'm moving out - I have to be ready to MOVE because he prefers to NEVER take any kind of action.
At this point I think moving would be stupid because I'm trying to finish school to hopefully get a better job and will move for that - how many times am I wanting to move in the near future?
So IC says "I understand that, no hurry right? Cautious and planning is good right? But what are you DOING?"
She is right - there is still some part of me that allows WH to affect me, reach me.
I did 180 for a long time before I even knew what it was. The only "errors" came when there was a ds-activity mostly regarding transport - we only have 1 car between us.
So now I have a list of things I want "done" before I can "move on".
But there is always a part of me that hopes WH "gets smart" before I get it all done.
Stupid of me and sometimes I reflect - maybe lazy of me - wanting company but not wanting to start all over again but then I think "is this the company I want forever"? Eh, ish.
So, count me in limbo but REALLY working on it.
i told him that i am going to stop worrying about what he does or doesnt do and work on myself. i am doing alot of reading to try and figure out REALLY why i am still here. why not just walk away and try to start over. walking away just feels wrong though. this freaking sucks, but its good to know that i am not the only one in limbo!!
Same for me! I have been trying to "diagnose" her for weeks and I decided this timne would be better spent on myself and my own healing. I was a good husband. We had problems. Everyone does, but nothing to justify this horrible mess. I keep thinking when she gives me a little shred of hope...."Maybe we could..." but then I come back to reality. She abandoned me, shit on our life and now I am the one still waiting for her to pull her head out of her ass. I was 60% done filling out the D paperwork and I stopped when she ended the A and the fog started to lift. but I do think the fog lifts in incremental stages and how long are we supposed to wait? What if it takes 6 months? A year? Then what? Limbo land? That suck and I am going to have to make a decision. I have a life to live and plans for my future. It is time for all of us to take the power back and not let our cheating partners control the shots. Take charge and forge ahead. It has to be better than this right?
Feeling the same way. I know D is the right direction, but I am afraid to admit it to myself. I have loved her for so long, I just keeping thinking......"What if...." and "Maybe she will...." but in reality I think I am just putting off the inevitable. She is too damaged for me and it will take too long. I can't wait and stop my life for someone who caused the whole mess to begin with. I have too many things (like you) to deal with. House, business with her, but I can't help but think God (or universe if you aren't religious) will take care of it for me. When I make a step, something will fall into place for me. Fear is a bitch. It keeps us stuck. We need to forge ahead. Good Luck!
[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
I didnt know this existed!!!
thank you Jrazz
I just wanted to share that though I'm likely in limbo for a while still, it really pays off to work on yourself. I've been with a great IC and am getting so much better. When things are down, when we're fighting or struggling, it doesn't hurt me as much. I'm not looking at him to fix anything but himself and have accepted that he'll do it when he decides to...or not.
That said, when I'm ready to move on he can choose to try and catch up...or not. Heck, I might not even want to give him another chance. Every day together that he doesn't do the work is a chance wasted.
Every time I think he's found his rock bottom and will decide to truly work on himself, he manages to blameshift or deny the issue away. Working on myself has helped so much in not accepting that, not accepting the reality he seems to need to create to keep things in stasis. I can look at him and tell him that no, I don't own that. He made poor communication choices, or avoided an issue or went ahead and did it his way. So the result is his issue, his to own. Not mine.
Damn it feels good. IC says I need to work on engaging less, but this is still a big step.
He told me the night before last that one day I might truly understand he loved me and I'd be sad if it was after he was gone (ie- dead, not D). I told him the flip side of that was that one day he might realize just how unloved I felt for decades and that he could've changed it if only he didn't decide everything had to be done his way, on his terms.
Last night he said that he knew I will probably leave once I have enough money saved up now that I have a job. I didn't confirm or deny. Let him live in limbo for awhile.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 2:14 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]
I'm curious because one of the options my WW is pushing is for us to stay in the same house (we have 3 kids), but have an open marriage. I can't imagine doing this as I know it would be hard for me, but I am curious if this is what you are doing, and how that is going? It seems like you are finding peace with it.
He's been transparent, honest, gone NC...he just hasn't owned what he did beyond the umbrella term of an A. He also hasn't dealt with why he's cheated.
So I go to IC and work on myself not focusing on him. I work on how to deal with what my FOO issues and M have made me think about myself, how to handle the horrible emotions when there's a fight or I'm stressed.
I haven't told him I want to D, but I did basically tell him I feel like I'm in a loveless M. In the plain of lethal flatness. I'm at peace knowing that if I decide I'm ready to D, I've worked through my other issues and can focus on dealing with the D and making sure the kids are in the healthiest situation possible under the circumstances.
Take the time you need to make your decision.
My WH was, and is a really great man. We had been married for 8 years and had 4 children ( the youngest being under a year old with health problems that took up most of my time) when he cheated with a skanky married co-worker. He says it wasn't about me, it was about how low he felt about himself. He took a low paying job and felt bad that we couldn't make ends meet.I was also preoccupied with taking care of 4 young children and not giving him the attention he needed, even though I had no idea he was bothered by it. He said that they met outside of work a few times (only after she told me this) and had sex once, which he claims he couldn't even finish because it felt so wrong. I have always had a difficult time believing that. Why go through all the trouble of sneaking around only to stop short of what you were there for? He says he ended it right after that and eventually quit that job to get away from her. The OW was planning to leave her husband for my husband but my husband told her was never leaving me and never considered leaving me.
Two months before he quit,(from the time line I've put together, the affair was over by this point) the OW's husband confronted my husband. My husband denied doing anything and told me that the OW's husband wanted to talk to me. I was confused, but called him anyway. The OW's husband told me that the OW told him that there was a guy at work that she was attracted to but he was unavailable. I asked to talk to the OW, of course at this point in time I had no idea she was the OW, I thought she was some nut who was interested in my husband.I asked her is she was wanted my husband and she told me no. I had no reason to believe that anything had gone on between my WH and the OW so I got a good laugh out of it and forgot all about it. How stupid was I? I was so sure that my husband was the one person that would never do that.
Two months later my husband quit. Within two days of him quitting, the OW's husband is calling me and telling me that my husband and his wife had met up a few times and kissed. My husband denied this. I was still incredibly stupid because I believed him and decided to confront the OW and find out why she was telling her husband these lies. I arrogantly marched down to where she worked and demanded to now why she was telling her husband these things. She told me because it was the truth. I asked her when and she said months ago. I asked her where and she gave me the location. At that moment I knew it was true. During this confrontation two of her coworker friends were present. The OW was smirking at me and looking at the other two people and they were all smirking. I looked at them and said, "what's so funny, this bitch is kissing my husband." They told me it was over and done with and let it go. I was humiliated and shocked.
I go home and tell my WH that I know it's true. His reaction was to leave the house. He left me there with the kids after hearing the most devastating news possible and I try hard to keep it together for the kids. He returned later after going to my brothers house and we had what I have since learned is hysterical bonding. I needed to claim back what was mine.
During the first several months, I am begging WH to tell me everything and I'm getting only bits of information after I drag it out of him.Some of it makes no sense and other portions he changes the story. I am forced to contact the OW and her husband to try to find out what is true. The OW assures me that they only met a few times and only kissed. Devastating nonetheless. So that was an ugly period and I couldn't believe my wonderful husband wold do that. WH tries to do all he can to assure me that she meant nothing and that he was sorry and all that. We go to MC and soon I am released and he continues on individually.
Time goes on and I try to cope with this. For the most part I go through my days completely shattered and not knowing how to stop feeling so bad.I constantly replay it in my mind. I obsessively go through calenders and pay stubs trying to figure out which days they were together. WH can't or won't give me details like dates. I look back and try to see if there was something huge going on between me and WH. I remember great times me and WH had during this time and can't make sense of it. It consumes my every thought and waking moment. All the while I try to pretend that nothing happened and go about taking care of the kids. Dying inside the whole time.
6 months after D-day I get pregnant. When I am 4 months pregnant I get yet another call from the OW's husband (oddly enough is the exact date, one year later that I got that I first heard the names of the OW and her husband) so he can tell me that he found out more (isn't he helpful?). He found out that some oral sex was involved. I immediately call WH at work and he denies it. he was working night shift at the time.I called my best friend and cried to her. When WH comes home on the morning he immediately tells me that it's true and that they had sex once. I leave and go to my best friends house and as soon as she opens the door I lose it.
We are right back where we were a year before. Only this time what I learned was worse. The OW's husband continues to call us and drive by our house. We go to the police and he is charged with harassment. WH calls the OW and tells her off. he tells her that his wife is pregnant and doesn't need this and she is on the phone going, "aww" like a real bitch.
I did my best to not torture my WH with nonstop questions. Most of the time I failed. I would start to fell like I was going to be ok, and something, usually trivial would bring it all right back to me. Every year around the time that the affair was going on and I found out would put me into such a depression. the smell of the air that time of year would cause a downward spiral. This went on every year for months at a time for about 17 years. There were a few years here an there where I didn't sink.
I do believe my husband loves me and he does all he can to show me that he does. I also believe that he felt bad about himself at that time which made him easy prey to this snake. It doesn't help me get the images out of my head. I don't want to dwell anymore. This has taken up so much of my life. How can I not let a trigger destroy me for weeks or months at a time?
Sorry this was so long winded. I'm trying to live in the now and not in the past. It's hard and I don;t know how to stop dwelling.
R? D? I don't know...
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**