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Support for BS in Limbo

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ontheslope posted 10/22/2013 15:56 PM

So...when is it enough? When do I give up on this? Why the F am I still here?

Only you can answer those questions. That is the real kicker with all of this - you're on your own when it comes to that final, life altering decision. It is on you. Everyone else can give you advice, everyone else can give you suggestions, books to read, counselling, ways to "reconnect". But when push comes to shove, when it's time to put the chips on the table, only you can do that. Only you can know.

And you will know. One day, your will have a moment of clarity. You'll realize that you are better than this. That you deserve better. That your kids deserve better. That it's not about keeping what you have, but about wiping the slate clean so that you can begin to move on with your life. And you'll realize that it's OK to want more out of life. That the light at the end of the tunnel might be a little closer than it looked yesterday.

Not trying to push you one way or another, but if you have to ask yourself those questions in the first place, then why the F are you still there?

StillStanding1 posted 10/23/2013 22:12 PM

SurelyNOT- I totally understand your confusion... and yes, I believe LIMBO is the place for lost souls like us! Glad you found this forum, even if you have no idea which end is up anymore in your relationship. It is astonishing to me how cavalierly they can "move on" with their new life without a seeming care for who they destroyed. I just don't get it. All I can figure is that they've been living this new "reality" for much longer than us, and they've already emotionally detached from us. It's just so very cruel, but they don't even get it. Very sad.

Healing2012 - I am confused like you. We've done the MC - but our C seemed to want to rugsweep with the best of 'em. Lots of tips to "fix" our M, but no advice on him helping me heal and feel safe. So, 8 months later, I feel like we're not making any progress. All the good stuff this summer seems like a fantasy - I guess that's what they call "false R"? I was actually reassured (strangely) by your comments, "We still talk. We laugh. etc." That is us to a T. It's like he now just wants us to be best friends but not married partners. He doesn't want to talk about the A, "us", or any of our issues anymore. But we still enjoy each other. It's so bizarre. I'm glad to know someone else feels this way. It seems like more often people have an antagonistic relationship. I guess that is why it is hard for me to pull the trigger on starting the D process. I am just not feeling that way yet. I don't know when enough is enough, either. Let me know if you figure it out!!!!

ETA: Ontheslope - I will take your advice to heart. I think you are right. I want to totally get there. I am getting stronger. I need to believe that I deserve better and my kids definitely do. He hasn't shown himself to be the man I thought he was OR the man I thought he was still capable of becoming. I am finally beginning to see him as the insolent 5 year old that has taken over his body.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:15 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

coda87 posted 10/30/2013 14:01 PM

I've given my WW 10 weeks. My original plan was to wait 6 months. But it's such hell, I filed for divorce this week. And she should get served any day now. From D-Day my WW has shown no remorse or empathy. She says the affair is over but admits to still communicating with the AP. She has a secret 2nd cell phone and a 2nd laptop. She is not transparent at all.
Every attempt I make to talk to her, she basically ignores. We have been to MC 3 times, but no progress.
When I ask her directly if divorce is what she really wants, she won't give a straight answer. So basically I've given up on her. Maybe she showed me some sign of wanting to stay in the marriage I would be able to hold out a little longer.

It's really sad. I know our three kids will suffer. And I still love her despite the affair. I had hope we could work things out. It's not looking that way.

mixedintherut posted 10/30/2013 15:41 PM

Limbo land has proven to be a little piece of hell on Earth. It is 10x worse then the first DD when he left two days later.

Part of me doesn't even know why I am here or why he is here. He is making 2x the amount of money as before, if not more. Cake eating sums it up, I guess. Things are good while he is home the 24 hours a week he is here. The rest of the week I torture myself looking at cell phone records and trying to make sense of all of the senseless.

This is the worse roller coaster of my life, I dislike myself for continuing the ride, and yet I can't seem to give up and walk away. What the heck is wrong with me!?

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 4:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

ontheslope posted 10/30/2013 16:02 PM

This is the worse roller coaster of my life, I dislike myself for continuing the ride, and yet I can't seem to give up and walk away. What the neck is wrong with me!?

Because you fear change. We all do. And walking away, as you put it, isn't like changing your socks or changing your hairstyle or even changing cars. It is a soul-sucking, life-altering, redefine-everything-I-thought-I-knew type of change. And that is hard, as hard as it gets.

Maybe someday you'll have your moment of clarity. Maybe some day the status-quo won't be good enough anymore.

I wish you luck. I'm sorry you have to be here.

Truly posted 10/30/2013 16:08 PM

Just found you guys.

Thank you.

Limbo is where I am.

Holly-Isis posted 10/30/2013 17:47 PM

Anybody else have this as a result of limbo: the A doesn't really die.

Where other people post about eventually not looking up OP, I still get curious. Sometimes something here will trigger me and I'll look up xOw1, her xBH (who was involved in trying to talk MrH into swapping) and xOw2.

MrH loves his way...which isn't very well or I'd be further in my healing. He listened to our suck first MC and set limits on my questions. I was allowed to ask each question once. He was in Iraq during 2d-day, then taking classes for his grad degree, then Iraq get the picture. There was always some reason he couldn't participate in my healing. We have a great pastor/MC but since he's so great it's hard to get and keep appts with him. He has to be pursued.

MrH hasn't done that or anything that involves going out of his comfort zone. So I haven't been able to process the A fully by myself.

Anyone else find that they haven't put to rest other things that people posting here either in true R or D seem to have been able to set aside?

Notmetoo2011 posted 10/30/2013 20:12 PM

I am over 2 years out from DDay and firmly stuck limbo. Initially I thought I wanted R but as reality has set in I just don't know anymore. WH is very remorseful, transparent and doing all he can but part of me thinks its just too late. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. I thought I was lucky to have him. I will never be the same person I was. I am damaged. I know I will never fully trust him again. I really dont think I love him anymore and I can't rationalize how it's okay to stay with someone who cheated on me for so long, no matter what he is doing now. Its like it comes down to the principle of the matter. But in spite of feeling this way, I can't pull the trigger and tell him I want a D. I don't know what I want. I don't want to be married to him but I can't imagine him not being part of my life. We have so much history and we get along fine most of the time. We have the same political, religious and child rearing views. I like hanging out with him. For some reason I feel guilty about wanting out especially where he is trying so hard to make things right now. I don't want to hurt him in spite of how much hurt he has caused me, but I just don't know if I can live this way forever.

I think ontheslope hit the nail on the head about why I stay

Because you fear change. We all do. And walking away, as you put it, isn't like changing your socks or changing your hairstyle or even changing cars. It is a soul-sucking, life-altering, redefine-everything-I-thought-I-knew type of change. And that is hard, as hard as it gets.

It seems I have made so many bad decisions In my life that I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know what I should do, what is best for me. I second guess every thought. Ugh, limbo sucks.

iwantamiracle posted 10/31/2013 09:06 AM

my post was supposed to be in a different forum....not sure how it ended up here....

i wonder if halloween has anything to do with it...maybe there is a ghost or a spirit at work here..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

movingbackwards posted 12/11/2013 10:44 AM

WH is very remorseful, transparent and doing all he can but part of me thinks its just too late... I know I will never fully trust him again. I really dont think I love him anymore and I can't rationalize how it's okay to stay with someone who cheated on me for so long, no matter what he is doing now. Its like it comes down to the principle of the matter. But in spite of feeling this way, I can't pull the trigger and tell him I want a D. I don't know what I want.... For some reason I feel guilty about wanting out especially where he is trying so hard to make things right now. I don't want to hurt him in spite of how much hurt he has caused me, but I just don't know if I can live this way forever.

I feel like I could have written this myself. In fact, a post I wrote yesterday echoes these sentiments. I am in limbo, but WH doesn't even have any idea that I'm considering anything other than staying together because we don't even talk about it anymore. As far as he knows, everything's fine. And I feel guilty because he's doing everything "right", but at this point I'm feeling like it doesn't matter, like there's nothing he can ever do to make it right, and nothing that will satisfy me. But I still can't bring myself to even bring up D.

Roxyme765 posted 12/26/2013 18:34 PM

I am so glad I found this. I haven't been on this site long and have talked and read about limbo in other forums. I have been doing this crazy ride since I found out in April.
I feel like I am at the point of a lot of other people I read. WS is doing everything right - right now... As far as I know. I thought he had been doing everything right for a couple of months now but I swear he can't make a good decision to save his life. Lies, omissions. I feel like sometimes I am trying. I try to tell him: you need to take a step back, look at how your actions affect other people (not just me. Friends he has lost from his selfishness and rude behavior in general). How is it hard to take a step back and say "if this was being done to me how would I feel?"

So I really do feel he is trying right now to "win me back" but I feel like it is too late. I'm not ready to say "ok I am 100% done". We have a young daughter together. I want to make sure I am 150% sure of my decision before I move forward to divorce or reconcile. I moved out, back in to R then back out again. My daughter is my #1 and I don't want to confuse and yoyo her. I get so frustrated when my friends tell me just to move back in with my H and give it a try if I think I might want to R.
And i feel like good gosh! I found out about his many affairs in April! It's been 8 months! When will I be closer to knowing what's right. And in a lot of ways people on this site have made me feel SO much better knowing that this isn't an abnormal time frame. But I don't know that I can keep doing this!
And I haaaate it when my H asks me "what does your gut tell you?" I don't know! It depends on the day! I admitted to him yesterday sometimes I look at him and think "we love each other why can't we make this work?" And sometimes I look at him and feel.... Nothing. I just feel nothing. And we had sex last night. But I didn't feel closer to him. It didn't feel magical. I just missed the sex... He's good at it.

Even in counseling I said I don't think I will EVER be able to forgive him. It blows my mind that he thinks I might be able to. I think forgiveness to me means more. Like I'm not the type of person who throws around "I love you" to people. It means more than how people seem to treat it. Forgiveness. Being able to say "I can't forget but I am at peace with it. It isn't causing me crippling pain. I am not holding your actions against you any longer". I don't think I will ever feel that way. Like if someone was drunk driving and hit me with their car and both my legs were amputated as a result. I can't forgive you. I still don't have any damn legs because of you!

I have spent a lot of time with my H lately because of the holidays for our daughter. I actually feel more distant.

But the thought of him even TALKING to another girl makes me physically ill! How will I deal with that if we divorce?

It's so stupid. "I don't want you but no one else can have you".

I feel like a crazy person. My wheels are constantly spinning and I'm going no where.

And I'm afraid to be on my own financially. I literally don't know how I'll pay my bills. I've never been alone. Parents to college to husband. I've been with him since I was 19.

What what what am I doing?!

AlexFL posted 12/28/2013 23:26 PM

I feel similar to a lot of posts. It's been almost 3 months since I found out for a 3rd time my H of 24 years has cheated. This time no protection ONS. It's heart breaking because how crushed I was last time, how much hurt and we got thru it only to find myself here again. This is obviously something he has wrong with him but it still makes me feel ugly and insecure. I am in limbo because I enjoyed being with him. We had fun, excitement , all the way to the end. We had so many good times and accomplished so much. We he says he will let me go because he doesn't want to do this to me anymore, it scares me. How do u let go someone u love but how do you stay with someone who is flawed and didn't care that they've hurt u over and over. He is remorseful but that will only last for so long. I am in total limbo

StillStanding1 posted 12/29/2013 02:28 AM

Hi All.... Welcome to the limbo train. It's a wild ride.

We started with a new MC/IC/FC. The kids had their first meeting with him before Christmas and they all liked him. This is major. My DD vetoed the previous one. I think this one may be able to help.

My WH says he is committed to making this work. He gave me the most sentimental handmade gift for Christmas - best gift he ever gave me.

And yet, I struggle with belief and trust. He has pulled the carpet out from under me so many times, I just keep looking down, waiting to see that tug on the corner. He says he is going to move back in. Shouldn't I be happy? I kinda feel ambivalent.

I don't trust him not to "run away" again when things get hard. He leaves when the kids turn up the heat on him over what he's done to our family. I don't trust his ability to stick it out and face the tough stuff.

When he's happy and fun - I remember all the good times. Today he was angry and grumpy about a disastrous home project and it brought back all the negative feelings. When my co-dependent side started to feel bad for the time he spent and frustration he had, my newly developed sense of self said "Too bad. How many hours did I care for our home and family while you had your 'alone' time? How many hours do you devote to your job and workouts and put our family as your lowest priority? How many hours/nights did you take from our family and things that needed doing here to spend with HER? So, why on Earth, would I spend one moment feeling guilty that you sacrificed an entire day to accomplish this home project? Answer: I don't. F him."

Sorry, I guess I needed to vent. And this is my limbo. We do a spectacular dance with R. We glide in... and back out... He's talked of moving back in since June. His lease is up at the end of January. It certainly doesn't feel like a real commitment to R if he just comes back when his lease is up.

Some days I just want to tell him to go back to his fantasy luuurv life with her. I'd want to be a fly on the wall when they discovered the real "them" in the real world. They actually deserve each other. He doesn't deserve, nor has he earned, the gift of R or forgiveness I've offered.

Wish I had answers to my own questions. Sorry we all find ourselves here. Sorry for my rambling post....

(((roxyme))) (((alex))) sorry you find yourself in limbo with all of us!

Newanxiety23 posted 1/1/2014 12:47 PM

I've been in limbo four months and it feels like four years!! I have been married 19 years and he has had several online and real life affairs over the past 9 years? This is the most painful decision to stay or go. He pretends like everything is fine but I know he is still in contact with OW. In my dream world I would want to R if he will finally get IC for his sex addiction and coping skills. He uses any major life change as an excuse why he has an affair. My youngest graduates in 1.5 years but I don't know if I physically and mentally can survive this "dance" until then. I can't believe that there are so many others walking around in this same pain. Some days it is unbearable and I make it through that hour because
I think of my wonderful children and the future life I will have with them.

StillStanding1 posted 1/2/2014 10:13 AM

Hi NewAnxiety and welcome to Limbo... although none of us want to be here.

The only advice I can offer at this point is to focus on yourself. Try to figure out little (or big) things that make you happy.

My IC/MC kept telling me to stop worrying about the outcome (I have no control over anything but myself). I "heard" it.... It took much longer to "live" it. I kept thinking I could fix him, point out what he needed to fix, make him understand. I'm beginning to let go of that.

I've decided I'm committed to the PROCESS of R, but I'm not committed to the RESULT. It's actually been very liberating. I will fix myself and live my life. He will fix himself or I will continue on my own. And I'm becoming more okay with that idea every day.

If he steps up, fantastic. We have a lot of reasons to stay together. But if he doesn't, I don't have to stay. I will be okay on my own.

I know I've read tons of good advice on this website. It's a journey just to internalize it all. The advice has always been right though. The best is to be kind to yourself. Know you are worthy of all things good. Worthy of love, trust, faithfulness, respect. Get it... or walk.

You don't need to decide today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Just get stronger and someday, we will all know the right answer for ourselves.

Wishing all of us in limbo a better 2014. May we find internal peace and tranquility and strength. Thanks to everyone on this site for all the good advice and support.

Survivor9582 posted 1/2/2014 22:02 PM

Ahhhh....limbo. What a truly awful word. Hate the dance, hate the place of being. My husband moved out after being confronted by me regarding his EA. Refuses to talk to me because he is ashamed and feels like a POS. He should. But while our marriage was far from perfect, and so was I, his compounding the problem by confiding in another woman was devastating. His guilt is holding us back...I want to try MC and possibly R, but he truly believes I cannot forgive him for all the wrongs he has done. So...I wait in this limbo...wait for him to realize that I still love him and want to work on forgiveness for everything. Limbo...a truly awful place.

Kitty70 posted 1/12/2014 22:49 PM

I've been in limbo for months/years, really. I'm looking for advice or to hear others' experiences. What do you do when you're in a lovebombing rugsweeping situation? For me, off and on over the years I've come across inappropriate things and chose to either confront or not confront and just live with it. I got either vague answers or no answers. Recently there's more stuff I have come across that are dealbreakers for me, at least they should be. I have tried getting him to just admit things in the last month, but he just won't and rugsweeps.

The last couple of weeks I have been resolved to end things, not sleeping/eating, etc. However, he's been acting motivated and being helpful, looking for a new job, talking gleefully about the future with me, abandoning his favorite activities, etc. to spend time with me. I'm not doing the 180 as I should (I was) and feel myself getting sucked back in. It's so hard b/c I love him but what he's done is just no good. We're not married but have been together 9 years. He's done the "I'm motivated" bit in the past. But recently he moved in with me out of necessity and I think he's realized he couldn't carry on as he used to when we lived apart. I just don't know if he's capable of change. There are other things that have bothered me in this relationship and in the last year I've just felt it's time to move on. Someone please be harsh and slap me out of being sucked back in.

Kitty70 posted 1/14/2014 21:12 PM

Well it's 'ok' now. Broke up with him last night. Couldn't believe it, but I did it.

nekorb posted 1/20/2014 19:52 PM

I'm in limbo, I guess.....

WH is continuing his A, I'm continuing to hope he will end it....he isn't making a move to go anywhere because our DD's mental health is in a precarious spot right now....

I'm just praying that he comes around to God's will as he says he wants to do what is "right by God"....ummmm....this doesn't seem like it would be a difficult answer to I spot....but apparently, it is.

I spend a lot of time praying every's how I keep my sanity.

tigereyes posted 1/21/2014 12:32 PM

I was in limbo until this week. I am done. Oh, everything between us is just fine and dandy, as long as the A is never mentioned. Also, there can be no talk of how I can feel safe in the future since he has never felt it necessary to adhere to the boundaries we mutually agreed upon 4 years ago after his first A.

So, as long as we can rugsweep, he is happy. No regard to how it makes me feel. The kids want him gone but that doesn't matter to him either.

So, I have to play this game until my ducks are in a row. That is fine. I can be deceitful too, I learned from the master and I am a quick study.

I can't wait until the day when HE thinks everything is going well and I can have him served.

industriousbee posted 1/27/2014 09:47 AM

I am thankful for this thread. I am in limbo 14 months post dday. I cannot decide if the A was a deal breaker for me or not. I feel like a ONS would be easier for me to get over than a 9 month affair that would have kept happening if I didn't discover it. I saw a receipt in his car yesterday and asked about it because it was from a store the OW works at. The receipt did not specify the location so I am not sure if it was from her location or another I asked about it and he got angry with me and later told me he is at his wits end. Then later that day he talks about us buying another home together. This is so confusing and does not make me believe he is remorseful. He also knows regular IC for him is important to me to be able to R. He has gone 4 times in the last 14 months. I am tired of asking him to schedule and I think I may be ready to give up. There are so many pros and cons to a D with a young child. I am still trying to find my way. I am sorry we are all having to deal with this.

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