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Support for BS in Limbo

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industriousbee posted 1/27/2014 09:47 AM

I am thankful for this thread. I am in limbo 14 months post dday. I cannot decide if the A was a deal breaker for me or not. I feel like a ONS would be easier for me to get over than a 9 month affair that would have kept happening if I didn't discover it. I saw a receipt in his car yesterday and asked about it because it was from a store the OW works at. The receipt did not specify the location so I am not sure if it was from her location or another I asked about it and he got angry with me and later told me he is at his wits end. Then later that day he talks about us buying another home together. This is so confusing and does not make me believe he is remorseful. He also knows regular IC for him is important to me to be able to R. He has gone 4 times in the last 14 months. I am tired of asking him to schedule and I think I may be ready to give up. There are so many pros and cons to a D with a young child. I am still trying to find my way. I am sorry we are all having to deal with this.

kitkat2013 posted 2/1/2014 22:50 PM

After reading several posts on this topic, I realize I too am in limbo. Im going to try to make a very long story short. I am not familiar with all the abbreviations so please be patient with me

1. Since D-day, WH has gone back and forth to OW.
2. We have grown much closer and communicate constantly and openly about our feelings and the direction our marriage is taking.
3. He currently wants to continue to keep the OW in his life and he also wants to stay married to me. He states that he loves me and cant imagine life without me but he understands my need to possibly leave.
4. He says that although he knows that this causes me pain, he just wants to do what he desires at this point in his life.
5. His relationship with the OW is long distance and he does not see her often so the relationship is not very sexual in nature.
6. He does not want to have sex with me because he feels he is cheating on the OW.

I am 9 months post dday and I have done a lot of work on myself. This forum along with A LOT of self help/marriage/affair books have helped me along the way. This forum has given me such hope that I will be ok no matter what and that R is possible.

Can anyone relate to my situation?

StruckNumb posted 2/2/2014 02:37 AM

Kitkat2013, I've not encountered this to have much input but I am wondering if you're angry. And if you're not, why aren't you? Your husband basically is stating he wants something like a polygamous marriage, multiple wives. Where are your desires in this? Where do you fit actually? Where do you want to be? He's physically around you the most but he doesn't want to have relations with you, his wife, because it's being unfaithful to her, the mistress, whom he sees infrequently? Does this make sense to you?

Actually, I want to add that since he says he understands you may need to leave it actually means he, himself, has decided to move on to do solely what satisfies him. He's already decided he's willing to lose you to keep her.

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 2:51 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

kitkat2013 posted 2/2/2014 09:04 AM

strucknumb, I am angry and sad but Im not devastated like I have been in the past.

As for my desires, I have stated clearly that I do not want to deal with another woman in our marriage and that I want to have an intimate sexual relationship with my husband.

Whenever I do mention that I don't think I will be able to continue this way, he back peddles and tries to come up with reasons for me to stay but in essence, he just wants to do what he wants to do.

I have difficulty because he is very loving towards me and we spend time and laugh together, we parent well together and continue to strive for a lot of the same goals. He has said before that he doesn't think that his relationship with the OW will last very much longer but I don't know.

I guess based on what you have mentioned, I would have to become completely angry and fed up. Its weird, he doesn't talk to her everyday and they communicate infrequently so I don't really understand what hes holding on to. He says that he likes their relationship because there is nothing deep about it. Its very superficial and full of fantasy and he likes that.

Oh well, to answer your question, I just don't know yet which direction Im going to go in.

crazynot posted 2/2/2014 09:32 AM

Kitkat2013, I'm just horrified for you. Yes I do think you need to get angry.

deena04 posted 2/2/2014 09:59 AM

Amen to limbo for me, too. We are trying to R, but the more time goes on and my shock wears off, the more I feel like I just don't want him or care anymore. I am strong enough to live without him and stubborn and proud, which are either helping or hindering my process. Not sure which one yet. I am putting my foot down on many areas of life, that is for sure. The only thing I can say is that we are living together, married, and not divorcing today.

Gotmegood posted 2/2/2014 15:46 PM

The dreaded I am. It's no life. I'm not married, and I'm not single. My mind flips from being able to swallow the *shit sandwich* he presented to me, to adamantly proclaiming 'I've had enough!'
For me, I think that I am in this place not so much because of the actual betrayal, but more pointedly because of what I have come to realize is his inability to work HARD......for ME. It's complicated. His general personality is kind and gentle and fairly patient. He is the youngest child ( read: baby ), of very indulgent parents. I don't believe he was ever made to face harsh consequences for his actions. So.....what I'm left to decide is: is it okay that I have done 90% of the hard work? Is his promise of 'this won't happen again', more like a New Years resolution, that if not waved in front of his face, disappear when I stop watching?
What I wouldn't do for just ONE time, he would open a conversation about how I feel, how much I've endured because of his self-centered decisions. But it's always me. We are separated at present. I thought it would be easier for me to make a clear decision without his appealing self always around. It hasn't. What do I have to do; give myself a due date like this is a term paper I need to pass in? I'm disgusted with myself , as well as with him. Why can't I finally decide?

kitkat2013 posted 2/3/2014 12:05 PM

Gotmegood: I know the space you are in mentally. I have been using meditation to try and center myself and my thoughts so that I can make a decision one way or the other.

Remember, only you can decide for yourself. Some days, I do have a very negative view of what Im going through and other days I do not.

Sometimes it just feels like its just too much, ALL OF IT! The truth is only you will know what to do when its time to do it. I know that sucks but its the truth. Im right there with you!!

Gardenerinpain posted 2/7/2014 07:40 AM

I can so relate to all these posts and am so glad to find I am not crazy, or if I am, I have lots of company!
We are separated (5 months) and just started talking and want to reconcile, but WH is still in contact with OW and waffling over sending NC email. Says he will "prove" I can trust him, but offers nothing concrete.
I just wish I could stop loving him...

Hoping2survive posted 2/15/2014 07:50 AM

So glad I found this thread! I feel like the biggest loser for not making a concrete decision. We've been trying to R for over two years now. I've also been doing a lot of meditation and just putting my foot down about stuff that is important to me - without guilt! What I'm finding is that I'm seeing everything more clearly, but it's scary. I look at my marriage and I think - if this were my best friend's life, what would I tell her? If this was my daughter's life, what would I tell her?

I believe the writing is on the wall, but I'm afraid of the consequences for my kids. I'm getting stronger every day, but damn it, I do love the guy. But I am struggling to get past the deliberateness of his actions outside our marriage. All because he says he was feeling lonely in our marriage. Well. I had just lost my mother 3 months before and moved our kids to another state for his job. Did he ever consider how I was feeling? Did he ever ask? It doesn't appear so.

Now he's in panic mode because I've finally been speaking up in MC and 'speaking my truth' as they say. I told him I'm having a hard time getting over this and not sure I can. But where was all the TLC prior to my telling him how I'm feeling?

We have three teens. I know that our middle daughter knows more than we think. She was making dinner for everybody when I locked myself in the bathroom for three days after D-Day. But, she's also a daddy's girl and argues with me constantly. The fallout would be awful, and I'm not sure I can handle that either.

I'm just getting tired of living my life for everyone else and pleasing nobody - not even myself! Don't know what to do.

lilmonkey posted 2/24/2014 22:25 PM

I am 13 months post D-Day (and TT which came out about 7 months ago about him breaking NC) and I am most definitely in limbo. Looking through my diary, which I started writing in the past two months, every other entry has been "I don't know if I should stay" or "I can't make up my mind."

The thing is, my WBF (or should I say FBF) has been amazing throughout this whole process. He made it very clear that he did what he did before we got serious, before we loved each other, and he immediately stopped once he fell in love with me. He has been nothing but kind and sweet and perfect ever since (except for some minor fights here and there). I just feel like now I'm the problem because I don't think I'll ever get over it. I forgave him for what he did because he was so remorseful about it, but I'll never get over the fact that someone I thought was so sweet and caring towards others went out of his way to betray someone he cared about. What kind of soul does that? I always wonder, if he is capable of doing it then, why wouldn't he be capable of doing it now? He put his feelings before mine, he put his own selfish desires over mine, and he succumbed to the slightest flirtation of an old fling.

I have never been more happy or more depressed at the same time in one year. I constantly wonder if the roller-coaster is worth it. If I know I'll never get over it, but we are the happiest we've ever been in our relationship, is it worth it to stay? I just don't want to realize 3 years later that I've made the wrong choice and all of a sudden I'm starting from scratch when I could have made myself a new life years before...

lovehatelove posted 3/2/2014 11:43 AM

I have never been more happy or more depressed at the same time in one year. I constantly wonder if the roller-coaster is worth it. If I know I'll never get over it, but we are the happiest we've ever been in our relationship, is it worth it to stay? I just don't want to realize 3 years later that I've made the wrong choice and all of a sudden I'm starting from scratch when I could have made myself a new life years before...

This is EXACTLY how I feel....

joannie posted 3/5/2014 08:37 AM

Yes it's how i feel too, one minute happy then down in the pit again, a nice day great am high as a kite with joy, a voice not quite right when i call im ...down in the pit...roller coaster it is, but not one i wanted to ride

OneBrokenGirl posted 3/18/2014 14:37 PM

Sign me up. Limbo land for me too. I think I'm afraid to commit completely to our "second chance." I'm scared. I don't fully have all the truth. He claims he never loved her... She says he said he did and emails from her prior to me finding out indicate that being true.

I don't want to go through a second dday. I don't want to face all this shit again. I can't trust again and believe what I share with someone is special.

Sometimes I think it may be best.... Me.. My son...My pets. Just us. There isn't anyone going to "save me" but myself.

Edie posted 3/18/2014 14:53 PM

@ Hopingto Survive:

i'm just getting tired of living my life for everyone else and pleasing nobody - not even myself! Don't know what to do.

you seem to have got to the nub of it. nobody wants you to live for everyone else, so why do you?

Lethealbegin posted 3/30/2014 15:03 PM

Another club I belong to!!
I am in limbo because I knew I did not have the full truth. Recently I supposedly got it! But I am not sure I have the entire truth. Not sure if that is my gut or my friends input or that I am in the thick of things and can not believe anything he says! That he could be still lying! He is learning about compulsive liars and applying what he has learned and discusses with me. He says at this point all he has is his actions. I am not sure what to do or how I feel so I sit.

So here I sit! On that dam fence!!!

ChinaCat posted 4/8/2014 17:58 PM

I am waiting until my ducks are in a row too.

I can not wait until that day he gets the papers!

I have a meeting this week with my lawyers and will be working on making sure that child-man does not screw me over. I am putting safeguards in place for my child and myself.

Jrazz posted 4/8/2014 19:18 PM

Welcome, ChinaCat! It looks like you've got a foot in limbo, and a foot towards where you want to go.

It's good to remember that whether your heart is in staying or going, lining up ducks (healthy, legal, effective ones) to protect yourself is always a good idea.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/8/2014 20:02 PM

I'm in early stages of limbo. My WH ran out the night he told me about the A (one month ago) and I still have no idea what is happening. He refuses to talk to me about it. One minute I'm pissed at the situation he's left me in and I can't wait to be able to afford an attorney to set his ass straight and then the next, I'm wallowing in self-pity.

I've read so many other posts in this thread and am so very glad to know that my feelings are "normal" for the situation. It just doesn't make it any easier. I just hate having no idea if we're headed towards D. We are physically separated, but no steps (that I know of) have been taken to make it legal. I just continue to sit around each day and wonder what's going to happen next. Then I pray every night before I attempt to sleep that I'm given the strength to handle whatever comes next. Then I get up and repeat each day over. I'd love just sleep until this over.

Smashedat58 posted 4/10/2014 12:22 PM

Well, I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, because I'm not in limbo, but my adult children are. My WS can't admit to having an EA, but just says that he fell in love with his coworker, and out of love with me. I am pursuing a divorce, and he has no choice but to go along. He really needs therapy and is doing all sorts of unusual things, he forgot to file our taxes, etc. Our children agree that he needs therapy, too, but he won't submit to it, and still fails to see why he should. He is only guilty of falling in love. The children are in limbo, they loved their father, but don't know who this man is wearing their father's clothes. I wish there was some way to compel him to get help. He will lose his children, too, if he doesn't.

Bridie38 posted 4/10/2014 16:37 PM

Relieved to realize I'm not the only one in limbo!! I always feel that other people think 'What's she doing, why hasn't she kicked him out'. Probably they don't but that's just me.

It is so difficult to even think straight let alone make life changing decisions and yet I know I must at some point. Been together 42 years and so it is so scary even thinking about going it alone. Trying to get extra hours of work to help me fund myself, feeling emotionally drained, afraid and confused.

The last 5 mths have left me a different person, i don't think i will ever get over this.

Hope people in limbo with me find a way to make some choices which enable them to move forward - me included!

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