SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
Support for BS in Limbo
People hear the term "shock" and think it's a brief period of time, but I think it can last months and months if not years. It truly takes a long time to process what has happened, and until the ground stops moving out from under your feet it's OK to not know how to respond, or what move to make.
Being gentle with yourself is key to moving healthfully through this. Just because you haven't left right this second doesn't mean that when you feel the time is right you can make that move. Having hope isn't foolish, it's natural and it does pan out sometimes.
Sending big hugs to everyone tonight.
I only found this thread yesterday - and have read a little. Limbo is definitely where I feel I am. Stuck. Unhappy. Not knowing what to do. Still together, in MC, both in IC - he seems certain of what he wants. I'm not. And not enjoying the feeling.
I don't even think I'm in limbo it seems more like hell all the lies and cheating he getting IC and we are in MC but he doesn't get it I'm still always gonna wonder if I'm second choice my happiness and self esteem is forever damaged. No matter how hard I try to explain that to WH he still don't get it. I never thought we would be like this.
Limbo sucks and it's hard, but life is short....if they cheat I don't want to look in their eyes as the last one I see on this earth. All that energy wasted on what? I can rationalize all day...it was because he/she is bipolar, or depressed, or I could have been a better spouse....the end of the day is a boundary was crossed....a promise was broken.....I either live with that shadow in my mind or I say I deserve better than this crap...lean forward....Use it to find yourself again, connect with your core values and eventually find a better love. I'm not going to repeat any co dependence, learned helplessness, or be anyone's door mat or whipping post. No one on here stepped over that boundary yet our significant others did. Our core values stayed the course. No excuses for them, I'm sorry. Positive affirmations help, IC, doing things that you as an individual enjoy. It's so hard but step by step.
[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 6:40 AM, May 30th (Friday)]
I think for me the hardest part of not committing is that then I feel I am setting myself up for failure on the one hand. On the other, I had told him (before we had any kids)if he had an affair it would be a deal breaker for me.
So do I "stick to my principles"? I cannot bear the thought of the pain I am going to cause my kids. On the other hand, there is an OC involved in this mess and I am so worried about what that will evolve into down the road if I do not set standards for proper respect and treatment now.
I played second fiddle to his first-bitch-ex wife because of his two daughters produced from that trajedy thinking I was "helping" - yeah, helping him form a trauma-bond mess turns out... ugh
He's got such massive insecurity / abandonment /manipulative/ selfish issues I am just so done with his disrespect and being the mother hen...
but for the sake of my kids ?! for better or worse he's their father and since he's a master at compartmentalizing he's a really good father (huge clarifyer - so far = kids are 10, 8 and turning 6 so wait until the teen years is my worry)
I'm shopping MC and we are doing retrouvaille and I have one foot in... but dang this hurts!
I would so not wish this pain on anyone
I feel like Im kind on in this situation right now.. Im pretty sure Ill end up leaving because seriously fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But its going to be a LONG time before Im able to. Im 24 weeks pregnant and on modified bedrest due to complications. Ive got 4 other children all young (oldest is 7) so I need to be able to find a job that supports all of us.. Im 6 classes from finishing my bachelors degree which would mean I could get a job other than retail so I can support my babies better.
Right now my plan is to wait it out until Im in a place to leave and then make the decision. My husband is a SA and has a porn addiction and doesn't want to admit it so the likelihood things will change in our marriage is at a zero. I just need to work on making the best decisions that will allow for me to take care of my children.
When is it time to say enough is enough? Separated 3 months because WH won't give up the OW. Says he hasn't been happy for years. I controlled him, blah, blah, blah. I have admitted my mistakes and made clear I will work hard to restore the marriage, but he is not willing to end the A. We both go to IC and MC, but how can we work on a marriage with OW in the picture. I bring it up every time I see WH and he gets angry with me telling me I haven't changed a bit. He wants it to be his choice to give up OW, not because I am controlling him like I always have. Don't know how I can continue to love this man through all of this. I find it hard getting through each day.
I just found this thread. I plan to read every page of it. DDay was April 4. And now I feel in limbo. WH wants to work on marriage. But won't do MC. I've seen an attorney. I tell myself I am looking for the "right time". There is no right time. I'm scared. Saw an email just the other day from my WH to another woman. He told her he is in an emotionless marriage staying together for the kids. Told her he was looking for someone who had a void to fill without changing anything in their lives right now. I'm pretty sure that is not considered working on the marriage. I have two children. I don't work right now. WH won't talk about his shenanigans. Seems like a no-brainer. Right? But it's soooo hard.
WH wants to work on marriage. But won't do MC
my thoughts is your WH is done with the M if he is still making solo decisions... what, you are supposed to just trust his judgment after DDay?
You can only control you... so do what you have to do to feel safe
Love is an Action. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do as BS for our WH's is show them that we do not need them. We choose to spend our lives and hope to share all the good/bad to achieve intimacy. But staying or going at this point is your choice and his to deal with as a consequence of his behavior.
on a more positive note = WH and I are just finishing reading Chapman's book "the 5 love languages." There's a free online survey you can either have emailed (we printed and did on paper - we're still very 20th century that way).
Anyhow, there are some good suggestions for what you can do to turn towards your WH... he calls it a "void" hoping it is just an empty tank since he doesn't say he wants to leave.
I am not for allowing cake eating on the one hand, on the other, I totally get the SAHM with kids and overall trying to avoid even more drama/trauma if possible
all the best...
[This message edited by Merida at 6:10 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
God bless us all
I hav been in limbo for 9 months and its the worst. Why cant i let go? Why cant i choose freedom?
I kinda hate myself at times for allowing it. I know WH is hurting too and i know its my codependency (which i never thought i had any parts of) thats keeping me stuck
He really needs to see what life is like without his wife. He said he was movig out but i see no plans to move anywhere. On one hand im happy bcuz i wont be alone but on the orher hand im pissed bcuz i dont wanna b in limbo anymore. His move was my freedom and now its not happening. I guess i could tell him to go but somehow i cant fix my lips to say it. I still love him. He is takg full advantage of it too
Sorry for the random vent and the typos
During HB we broke the bed so now i get to sleep on the slanted bed while he is on the couch. He wont fix the bed and come back in here. Kinda like our M. He wont fix it. Said it cant be fixd (the bed) but i wonder if hes talkg abt the M...in which case he shld go, right?
And i know he is goig thru withdrawal from COW. He checks her fcbk pg anytime he goes on. He says it ovr but i know he still feels somthg and misses her. Kills me to know it. I can relate to precious poster abt feelg like plan B, comg second.
This is some bullshit.
Joining in here because limbo best describes my current state, and while I try to be zen about it, it really bloody sucks.
Today I was musing on the big difference I see between couples who successfully R and those who do not, or with partners in limbo, and it seems to come down to the willingness, desire, and capacity for self-growth on BOTH sides.
I've really begun to see self-growth as an issue of preference, of values, of motivated choice. My partner, simply put, does not desire nor seek this kind of growth.
Talking with him about this feels like teaching a 5th eat-old, who wants candy, particle physics, and the 5-year-old is first and foremost, interested more in the sugary treat than advanced science, and second, has not the capacity to learn.
With a willingness or desire to grow, the capacity issue might be dealt with. But with neither in place, I've got an H with a hole in his head and no desire for a different way of being.
I've fought this for 4-5 years, thinking he'd come around, or I could,inspire growth and change. But for about a year now I've accepted he does not have the will. He wants things "fixed" without work or introspection on his part. He wants to offload the responsibility for all growth to me, with the presumption that stepping in to do the dishes each night should be satisfactory in terms of showing effort.
Any attempt to explain to him what's lacking for me is just met with a wall. He cannot, or chooses not to, get it.
So I accept all that, but sit in limbo while ducks get in a row. And sadly I seek a catalyst for leaving that he can understand (e.g. He cheats on me) because I do not relish saying "this simply isn't working, and I can't make you understand why."
what's good enough for him is crumbs for me. And "teaching" him what I need is the most unattractive, unsavory prospect to me right now. Stepping up should be an outcome of his desires, not me creating a lesson plan.
I'm joining because I've felt this way for a long time (see my username?). I first found this place after my discovery of WH's 2nd PA. Though I vowed that was it and I was out, I somehow found myself in R, though Continuing to deal with my own mistrust and anger towards him. Guess, my biggest fear has been the splitting of my family, not wanting my 3 sons to live a life in 2 single parent households. WH was repentant and determined to do everything to help me heal and deal with his issues. Of course, as time went on, his temper and defensiveness crept back in and I would find myself, thinking, "So I have to love with 2DDays for this?" But still I carried on.
This most recent DDay involved online sexting that I witnessed as it was happening, also involved the disclosure of a 3rd PA from before we were married. I also know of another online indiscretion and suspect more.
Who comes back from that? I know I can't, yet WH is doing everything to be the good husband, father, friends, etc. Vowing to work to be the best for us, even as I tell him I can't reciprocate love?
But, I so very much don't want to uproot my kids with a D. WH happens to be a subtitute teacher at this point and so make very little $. I will lose what I have worked so very hard for, in order to support two households because WH couldn't stop for a minute an think about the consequences of his actions to the people he claims to love more than anyone. Most recent text: "I'm devoting my life to making things better than they ever were for you and the kids". Really!
I'm so stuck because he will never leave unless I kick him out and I can't bear to do that. I can' bear to face all that is coming (whatever that is) on top of all the other stresses of life right now. I just feel too overwhelmed at having to figure out what to do with my family now.
I am still stuck in limbo. WW is spending every night at her mother's (supposedly), and we have a written agreement for co-parenting our kids (6 and 3).
She was supposed to go to IC on Friday, but cancelled because she was busy at work, and can't get an appt with that counselor until the 23rd. I talked to her on the weekend telling her that she has done nothing to resolve this situation. She supposedly called for an appointment with another counselor yesterday, but had to leave a message.
She doesn't know if she even wants to try at the relationship. She says she is NC with OM, but I have no way of knowing.
I'm getting sick of this. I'm just looking toward my meeting with the L on Friday.
Limbo sucks. But it sucks even more living with the choices our WS stuck us with. I am hoping a reconciliation is in the cards for me and my WH, but have decided that communicating with him at this time is not in my best interest. I ask questions, which he answers honestly, and I get upset, of course. He seems to be getting more defensive the further in we get. And even sarcastically told me thanks for the support. I don't feel he deserves my support at this time. He should have been looking for support from me back in October, before he jumped into bed with another woman. I have seen subtle changes, but not sure how permanent they will be. So, for now, I am living in limbo, waiting for the day where I will have a crystal clear answer as to what is the right answer for me. And that sucks.
This should be a major forum. Finally some folks I can relate to.
My WH had a fling with a ho-worker. Mother of two small kids...who has time for that??? Anyway, it ended when her H found out, and my WH came home and confessed for fear of me finding out otherwise. I saw a lawyer but he begged me to let him stay and try to make our marriage work. (Sucker written on my forehead) After that, I thought we were gong in R. Started off with both of us in IC and MC. That lasted about a month. He quit because he declared himself cured. ?? Since then, he has slid back into the "I don't know what I want". Quite frankly, I am tired of the crap. I think he's content to sit on fence but my back side has splinters and I'm ready to get off...one way or another. He will sometimes show a glimmer of giving a $h!t, and then the next thing you know, he makes a "joke" that totally makes a mockery of this whole mess. (I married an engineer that thinks he's a stand up comedian.)
I'm so jealous of other BS who have WS that get it, and are willing to do the work to repair the damage and strengthen the marriage. All I get is more limbo dance from him.
Taking control of my own self is all I can do...eat better, exercise, spend time with my kids, go out with friends, and except that life would probably be way better without him!
I'm also a SAHM. I no longer have a valid teaching certificate. I am terrified of being without health insurance. I haven't taught in 16 years and I don't really have it in me to do that kind of job again! I love my part time job but it doesn't pay enough or offer benefits. I'm pissed that I'm knocking on 50's door and I have to think about any of this. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. I would never hurt him (or anyone) like he's hurt me.
Anyway...enough about me. Love this thread!
[This message edited by Asil0623 at 4:05 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]
reposting from a general thread because I hope this may help others as I sit and process what to do
How do I manage to decide how to act so as to not hurt children while I am hurting in a deep-to-one's core way?
from: Melanie Tonia Evans free .pdf "How to do No Contact"
When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways Ė yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individualís integrity.
People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:
Tell the truth.
Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.
Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.
Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.
Have consideration for the other personís emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.
Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
Will apologize full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.
Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.
Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.
Realize that there is no upside to the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying the other person.
Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.
Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.
[This message edited by Merida at 5:28 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]
I've chosen not to tell any of my friends/mother/sister what's going on in our relationship; I didn't want to hear what I should and shouldn't do from them. They know we're having problems, but they're not sure why. Sometimes I just feel so alone because my therapist is the only one I really talk to about how I'm feeling. I'm so glad I found this because it makes me feel a little more "normal". I'm torn between staying and going, and I just don't fully relate to the "Reconciliation" forum or the "Separation/Divorce" forum.
A little past three months since D-Day. We're both in counseling, but I just don't know what we're doing. He has some serious FOO issues, I want to be supportive while he figures it out because I know it's related to the self-destructive choices he makes; at the same time, I want to throw my hands up in the air and say f*** this, why am I supporting someone who betrayed me? Some days are great. Some are just plain awful. I love him, but this sucks. I'm emotionally exhausted.
Well I can't believe it's been 4 years since I was last on here, doesn't time fly when you're having fun! NOT. I've been on one hell of a roller coaster in that time, denial, anger, reconciliation and now realisation that I think I need to leave. Problem is I don't actually want to :-( Reasons to stay - I love fws, my kids are very attached to ws and it would crucify them if we D, I can't bear the thought of WS being with someone else, I gave up work to be a ft mum and haven't got a penny to my name. We're in the middle of moving house to be in catchment area for our kids school. Reasons to leave - I'm totally miserable, fws makes NO EFFORT or contribution to our marriage, I feel that if I was financially independent then I'd leave.
I'm so tired of being in Limbo, but feel emotionally and financially trapped. I don't know what to do :-(
I belong here too. It's been 3 months since dday and though this is all still fresh, I'm so unsure what to do. WH says he isn't sure if this marriage is what he wants, but he has sent a NC email to AP and has been seeking IC. The pastor giving him IC wants to meet with us both to start MC and WH said he is open to that to see where this goes, but he also said that to me 3 months ago and then a few days later said "the truth is I'm not happy, I don't want to be married, part of me thinks we should never have gotten married, and I don't love you anymore."
I'm not sure if he is just taking me in circles or not, but I'd rather R than D. I don't think I can handle D right now, or in the near future.
The thing is, he has shown no remorse to me. He's apologized plenty and shows some regret, but no remorse. I have a feeling he just wants to do this MC and IC for a little bit and let me down softly again and said yeah, this isn't gona work a few months down the line. I know I shouldn't leave the choice up to him, but its either this or me just filing for D and I can't do that.
We also haven't seen each other in about a month. Haven't talked (until 2 days ago,) haven't texted, haven't emailed and I hate it. I hate this waiting, this limbo. I just want to be with him and I also hate him at the same time for making me suffer like this. I think being away from him is good sometimes, but I'm also growing number and number and distancing myself. I'm afraid I'll get to the point that I don't want to R because I'm just so numb and this has taken so long to figure out and then I'll be upset that I didn't get the chance to even try and see if R was possible...