Not all cheaters are alcoholics but all alcoholics eventually cheat.
You think? I mean, I get that they are cheating their families in many ways...but I didn't know all alcoholics cheat in the "infidelity" way. I have a lot of alcoholics in my extended family. If they cheated, I don't know about it. I definitely "get" though how many alcoholics cheat with AA buddies. I can see that sort of dysfunction and mutual desire to escape playing out in an affair.
Drinking in the bar with his drinking buddies, blowing smoke up each other's asses, bragging, etc. was a world apart from his day to day life as a husband, father, professional.
Yes, yes, yes! The blowing smoke up each other's asses rings so true for me. Pathetic.
He always kept both world's separate so why not the LTA?
Another yes, yes, yes. I can totally see this. His A with OW1 didn't start until he got pills from her. I really think if the pills were out of the equation, he MAY have told me about her initial pass at him. Maybe. We just talked about it the other night and he said, "telling you about her pass, even though I wasn't really all that into it or her, was impossible because then I would've had to tell you about the pills." The pills had to be kept from me, therefore she had to be kept from me. And it all spiraled down from there.
It wasn't until d-day that my FWH finally hit bottom and woke up.
Same here, on D-Day 2 (when I discovered OW1 and the pills; I had only known about OW2 at that point and not even ALL of OW2 including the amount of alcohol involved). As soon as I knew all of this, I said, "I want a divorce. And you are an alcoholic." That was the first time I clearly knew he was an alcoholic. I mean, I had considered it but most of his drinking had been functional as far as I knew - and functional drinking is easier to be in denial about. Once I realized how much substances had pervaded his life with these women - who were both co-workers, therefore pervaded his work life - the "functionality" of it all became clear as a farce.
Anyway, njgal, your response was really helpful.
Maybe not all-but, very many do.
I was one of those wives that never imagined my H would ever cheat on me.
I knew that he had a drinking problem and that was problematic for us as a couple but there was one thing that I could count on-he was devoted to me!
Well, I was wrong about that.
After d-day I read a book by Janet Woititz- Marriage on the Rocks.
It described my marriage.
And in this book the author stated that it wasn't a matter of 'if' the alcoholic would have an affair but more a question of 'when'.
It was an 'Aha' moment for me.
Of course I thought.
Where do guys go to 'get lucky'?-a bar!
because everyone is drunk, their judgement is impaired, they are in a 'fantasy' place.
Have you ever noticed that bars do not have clocks?
usually do not have windows so that you cannot see how late it is.
You are in this cocoon of loud music, low lights, alcohol, laughs, jokes, bragging, lies, inappropriate sexual jokes etc.
Basically one huge slippery slope.
The bar scene is like the commercial for Las Vegas...some people feel that they have a ticket to misbehave.
That commercial-what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..says it all.
Looking back I realize that any married spouse that spends a lot of time in that environment is vulnerable.
When the 2nd A hit (the one I discovered) - that's when he went to the bar a lot all of the sudden. And was my first red flag. It isn't that he never went to the bar, just that it was an occasional thing that turned into almost weekly. So, yes, I get what you're saying about the cocoon and shutting yourself in and the outside out.
ToTrustAgain: Part of active alcoholism is escaping feelings and reality. I know that I didn't deal with, or process ANYTHING while I was drinking. That's half the reason I drank in the first place! To avoid dealing with life on life's terms.
This makes so much sense to me. My cheating X-boyfriend is an alcoholic... It hurt so much that he seemed so 'cold'.
NJGal480: He has said that a big part of the attraction was that she did not judge him for the drinking and instead encouraged it... I was his conscience reminding him what a screw up he was while she was his ego stroke who encouraged the drinking etc.
Alcoholics/addicts are also incredibly selfish and insensitive to the needs of others....The alcoholic mind blurs out personal ethics and values and only cares about feeding its pleasures and desires.
This too makes so much sense and is comforting to me.... So many times I thought/felt "Why did SHE make him happy and not me?" and "How could he do this to me?"
He was able to do anything because his drinking protected him from dealing with anything!
Thank you all for sharing.
When I would press him about details about the over the top sex acts that they alluded to in their emails he said it was not that way in reality.
Both he and the MOW would get stinking drunk and it would be sloppy blind drunk sex that he could barely recall.
I was lucky (if you can call it that) because the vast majority of my FWH's sexcapades with the MOW/co-worker/drinking buddy took place at yearly work related conferences, workshops etc.so he knew the dates and could go back years listing them for me in his timeline.
But, he did say that he was drunk all the time.
In his quest for freedom, he set me free!
He is still drinking and I do not know if be is in contact with her at this time.
I found this site way too late. Love it.
In the beginning, I tried to beg, bitch, plead, scream, cry, be understanding, wait it out (all kinds of things), I did not know about the affair until 2009, had been going on since late 2008. Found out about the affair when he went to rehab in 2009. He swore he was done drinking and that the affair was over. Couple of months later went right back to both the alcohol and the affair started back up. Found out and kicked him out. My mistake in taking him back just a couple of months after I kicked him out. We went on for a while with him gaslighting me and omitting all kinds of things, not to mention hiding the drinking.
Found out in 2010 he had either gotten in contact with her again or had never quit contact. Threatened to divorce him, he asked for another chance and I gave it to him. He slowed the drinking down and white knuckled it for awhile but he could not maintain sobriety.
In 2011, he was full on drinking again and again contacted her. I filed for divorce, he begged for one more chance, I told him he could have that chance while the divorce was happening. I after a few months stopped the divorce and a few months later he started drinking again. He went to rehab again in early 2012, we started counceling and I thought we were finally making progress.
He decided that he did not want to live sober and that he had been fooling himself for the last (insert however long years here) regarding how he wanted to live his life.
We spoke, decided to get a divorce and he told me and I quote you "I am in damage control now".
48 hours later he was back in contact with her and the rest is history.
While he was busy playing with her, I was busy getting a divorce.
He moved out for a few weeks and could not afford his rent. I let him stay with me for a few months then could not stand seeing him drunk every day, all day.
He now lives with his parents.
I now have peace of mind and it is priceless!
It's too bad that your xWH has decided to continue to drink and live a toxic lifestyle.
My guess would be that the OW was/is also an alcoholic?
That was true for my FWH-the OW was a drinking buddy that encouraged his drinking while I was always trying to get him to stop drinking.
That was a big part of the attraction-the booze.
You did your best to try to help him and save the marriage but he ultimately chose the addiction.
Maybe one day he will wake up and realize all that he threw away.
But,regardless,it sounds like you are in a good place.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 1:48 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
We somehow stuck together, but he continued his drinking. All the suspicious behaviors I blamed on drinking, not an A.
His lta ended prior to me finding out but he was still in contact with her. All contact ended on dday. That is also when I found out it was not just drinking, but drugs too.
He quit all cold turkey right after dday, and we are r. So far, so good.
She supported his addictions while I hated the drinking. She not only bought them for him, but did them with him.