Alcoholics tend to be avoidant personalities. They would do anything to avoid conflict.
They used to use alcohol to avoid dealing with things.
Now that they are sober it's even more difficult to face things-especially to deal with the fall out of their infidelity.
My FWH went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs after d-day. Along with AA meetings-this was very crucial in our reconciliation.
The IC helped him to understand how traumatic the LTA was for me and that it was not something that I could just get over now that he was being a 'good husband'.
Does your FWH got to AA? IC?
we had plans to meet an out of town friend on saturday that we had not seen in a year as he doesn't come into town often. I expressed concern to H beforehand, i love this friend and wanted to go see him, however he drinks a lot and i told H i was concerned that H would want to drink a lot and that he would be mean to me, we would fight, etc. H assured me this wouldnt happen. I was doubtful but i still want so badly for my H to prove to me he is capable of being the good guy so i went along.
We were at a restaurant/bar. We were having fun. The plan was to go out early and be home early. Everything was falling into place. I had two beers, and a shot. I switched to soda after that for the last hour an a half or so. I was perfectly ok with this, I was driving us, i didnt want to be impaired, i didnt want to fight, i didnt want to feel bad in the morning, and i was genuinely enjoying myself even drinking the soda.
I expected H would continue drinking but not to the extent he did. While he was initially drinking beer with me, when i first switched to soda he had another beer, then the beer turns into rum, then shot turns into multiple shots and before I know it he is four drinks up on me and I am angry.
We leave and I tell him I am angry that I dont understand why he needed to drink that much. World War three ensues...ending with what a horrible person I am, I cheated on him, i am choosing to be unhappy, Im a crazy bitch, he's tired of dealing with me. he goes abck and forth between telling me that I am also drunk and thats why im picking a fight (neither are true) and telling me that hes sorry that I am sober and therefore not able to have a good time with him 9also not true). I asked him at one point which one is it? am i drunk or am i sober?
Sunday came and we actually had a very nice family day, no talk of the night before at all. Im jsut feeling so discouraged.
Not really looking for anything just know that some of you will understand.
Oh and to top it off, Friday at counseling, IC told me pretty much she doesnt think hes ever going to "get it"...
back to my dilemma on my husband behavior. I do not see everything, but I know he has a bottle of rhum and coke ALWAYS in his backpack. How much does he drink? I do not know. When he has done it in front of me, I saw him drinking 4-5 glasses in one evening. Once I found a bottle of rhum hidden in the trunk of his car. Being functional, it is really hard to measure how serious the problem is. He is an EA emotionally unavailable person. I am getting to the last straw on dealing with this, but I am willing to give it a last try. How can I tell, how much his behavior is driven by his drinking and how much it is just his nature? Any tips? Please help
In order to R, drinking is a no tolerance in our relationship. He drinks and we're out the door. He knows that. Personally I do not drink bc of my H's silent alcoholism. They cannot be in a drinking environment. H's drinking buddies. Gone.
From experience, they won't stop until something stops them from drinking. It's a brain disease. Alcoholics are always under the influence and just looking for more. I know because it took my H 13 years to stop drinking. The day I left him. Well, he had a few slip ups here and there. I calmly told him his drinking was unacceptable and we had MC the next day.
We now have weekly joint and individual therapy with our chemical dependency therapists. It has helped so much. I've never had a drinking problem, but in order to understand the disease better, we've chosen chemical dependency therapists.
I'm sorry you went through this.
It doesn't look good. Have you tried AA? I think they both have a really bad problem with drinking. And, with alcohol in the picture, they will never be emotionally available until they stop. hugs.
sissi, it's mostly the work of alchohol. I've had 3 therapists tell me so...there's so much to addiction people don't know... :(
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:58 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? We just had an awful fight Saturday, im exhausted..why am I exhausted? Oh yeah because i have to get up 1.5hours earlier than normal so that I can drive you to work because you have no license before i come home and get myself ready for my job. and you want to start drinking at 930 at night? the neighbor doesnt have to get up at 530 to go to work, hes off tomorrow, his wife is in the process of moving out, really this is going to be a one beer and home? no, and i know better.
H asks me if i want to go three times, i tell him no every time, why would i want to go, no i dont want to drink, no im tired. finally i get mad say im going to take a shower and go to bed. he just leaves, doesnt poke his head in the bathroom, doesnt tell the kids to go to bed, doesnt ask if im ok, doesnt change his plan, nope just goes anyway.
i sent him some texts, cant believe you went, my feelings are hurt etc. After about 30 minutes and a couple drinks he comes home, proceeds to tell me as im in tears trying to tell him why im upset, he tells me im being dramatic, im over reacting...he's soooo sorry (sarcasm) didnt realize id care...and on and on. finally after much screaming i went to sleep on the couch. after about 20 minutes he asks me to come back to bed (although not in a nice way. what he says is "So you make this big deal about me leaving but you dont even want to sleep in the same room as me?") so anyway i get up and go to bed with him, not because i wanted to honestly, but because i was trying. Whats it going to hurt, if im still mad i can always get up and go back to the couch, but maybe me coming into bed will help him calm down and understand im not being crazy.
So he apologizes, honestly though, it sounds backhanded to me. What he says is "im sorry that you are so upset, i wasnt trying to upset you, i didnt know you would be so upset" to me its all focused on me, im upset my problem etc. a sincere apology to me would have been im sorry i choose to leave knowing you were upset, im sorry that i choose alcohol, friends, etc over you AGAIN. Im sorry i didnt keep my word that i would stop behaving in ways that make you feel like this. but maybe im just being overly sensitive.
anyway, so he apologizes. I take it as an opening and i am trying to explain to him how im feeling because he keeps telling me that im being ridiculous. that all he wants is me and he thinks its BS that i dont believe that. so i am trying to tell him what is happening within our M with his reactions, behaviors, words (nice loving words) that make me feel like i do. He immediately gets mad and says "GD spidey, i just apologized to you and all you can still say is what im doing wrong"
Can someone help me, im not trying to attack him, im just trying to help him see because i feel like he doesnt.
He then went on to bring up my As (reminder we are MH) and how he doesnt trust me etc. i was so vulnerable to him. I gently reminded him that i do not deserve his trust yet, but reminded him of what i have been doing that continues to build trust with him. I think he sees me as this evil force in his life, do i drive him to drink? life with me is so miserable otherwise?
It sounds as if deep down the two of you do have a lot of love for each other but all of the alcoholic binges etc. are negatively impacting your life together.
Good luck, sweetie.
I wish I had taken a hard stance with him much earlier because maybe we could have avoided the whole infidelity mess and the hurt and pain it brought along with it.
But, hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?
I am grateful for the second chance we have now for a happy, healthy, sober life together.
taking a hard stance - I wish I would have done that.
You say it is hard to determine how serious the problem is. You say that he is functional. And I get that - I know what the term means and my WH mostly followed the functional stereotype. Actually a pretty great husband, didn't hang at the bars all the time, rarely falling down drunk, always at work, and so on. But when you peel away the layers - what is functional about it? The guy cheated on you. You said he's emotionally unavailable. The constant need to have access to alcohol. That is a serious problem, "functional" or not. I had to peel those layers, too. Take care, Sissi.
[This message edited by truthislove at 7:54 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]
We owe it to ourselves and life to assist, support and serve others. We must remember, however, that we cannot give what we do not have
What you say is so true.
It is so important that the alcoholic/addict does the 'work' in order to truly get sober.
Stopping drinking is NOT enough. That is called a 'dry drunk'.
A recovering alcoholic does have to take a personal inventory and has to do a lot of work to try to understand how he got to the point that he did.
My FWH did go to AA (90 meetings in 90 days at first and then continued going regularly for years. He still attends AA now-6 and 1/2 yrs later), he also went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs.
IMHO both were very important to his recovery.
I feel the same way about infidelity. Ending the affair is not enough.The WS really has to do a lot of work on himself/herself to try to understand how they got to such a toxic place.
It was all because of dedication and hard work in a 12 step fellowship. No just going to meetings but following the suggestions and doing the work. 10 years later I am still just as involved as I was in the beginning. It is a life long battle. The person I used to be seems like a bad dream. It is so far from who I am today.
Change can happen!!!
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Thank you for posting this.
It is a huge accomplishment and speaks volumes to your perseverance and hard work.
My FWH has been sober for 7 yrs and I attribute that to IC and AA.
He still attends AA today.
Like you said it is a life long battle but it is so worth it!
For those that love an alcoholic it is so helpful to read that there are success stories.
Thanks for contributing to this thread.
Alcoholism is a devastating family disease. Even with functional alcoholics. As you say, the emotional and mental patterns are still there.
Have you considered going to al-anon? You are both an adult child of an alcoholic and a wife of an alcoholic. Many people are in this situation where they marry someone with the disease after being raised by someone with the disease. I would try several meetings. It is a great help.
My advice would be to focus on yourself, find something centering. Therapy, yoga, meditation, exercise, seeing friends. Get out of the house. Get to al-anon. There is no need to make a decision right now as to whether or not you can R or live with an alcoholic. Just care for yourself and find some semblance of peace and, from there, you can sort out your thoughts and feelings.