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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic - II
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heayheart,
She blames some of the drinking on our relationship, and that she wasn't that happy. I get it, but alcoholism runs in her family. Her mother left her father for another man while drinking. I decided I had to make 1 last stand, tell her how I feel. I adore and lover her with all my soul, my feelings haven't changed. I explained that it's not fair that she spills her fears, releases her demons to a group of people at AA and not with me.
Blaming is what alcoholics do, but it is not your fault that she drinks. As far as her relationship with someone in AA, I don't think that is supposed to be happening. Isn't that what they call 13th-stepping it? You have a right to boundaries with regards to other men. I think that what she shares at her meetings stays at the meetings. The other members most likely will call her on her shit. You don't need to.

I hope you are getting counseling for yourself, and that you are checking out Al-Anon too! It has been a huge help to me, and continues to be.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010
Brundelfly
♂ New Member
Member # 43664
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heayheart
You should update us. Sounds like she is trying, You might see how her actions, and not her words, lead you. Give it some more time if you feel it is worth it. It might be.


Me: BH, 48
Her: WW, 44
Together 25 years, married 18+
LTA x 2 (6yr and 2 yr)
DD: 9 years old
Detoxing Alcoholic WW
Wondering what to do...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Pasadena
Brundelfly
♂ New Member
Member # 43664
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted this in another thread, but it applies here so:

My wife is an alcoholic. She had a 6 year affair, that I found out about in August of 2012. She has been drinking for a decade.

I could not figure out why, she made me feel like it was MY Fault and the responsibility was on me to WIN HER BACK. Didnt seam right.

Then I found out a month ago....she has been having an affair for last two years. In fact, she never skipped a beat. Just changed guys.
She has serious childhood abandonment issues, and needs constant validation from men.

I had to work with her bf, to get her into detox, as he had, and still has, all the influence on her. As I sit and type these words, I cannot help but feel like people are reading them and are thinking that Im completely blind. No, co-dependent maybe, but not stupid. I didn't leave after the 6 year, as her Dad was dying of Cancer. Didn't feel right to do that...I had hoped time would allow things to heal. Then, after this latest discovery, I found out how heartless and selfish she really is. She is in a 30 day detox....I do not have unrealistic expectations, that she will emerge saying "OH my God...what have I been doing??" and beg me to give it an other chance (And this time she MEANS IT!! hahah)

Just wonder...if your cheating spouse was a drunk while they were cheating...and then they get sober....then what?

Reading some of your posts, has really helped me.
Im pretty determined to move on, unless she says something that really convinces me I shouldn't.
Even then, I would be suspect it is nothing more than a pacification exercise.

So...thats how I see it. Thoughts?


Me: BH, 48
Her: WW, 44
Together 25 years, married 18+
LTA x 2 (6yr and 2 yr)
DD: 9 years old
Detoxing Alcoholic WW
Wondering what to do...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Pasadena
Heayheart
♂ New Member
Member # 43490
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update.

We have had 4 MC sessions so far and seeing progress. I think WW is starting to open up in the sessions, she has been brutally honest throughout the entire process. A few weeks ago she asked for a separation to work things out for herself, that attitude has changed to now feeling closer to me. I am going to IC myself, working on my feelings and releasing control of things overall. I believe that my actions, and my inability to describe how I was feeling shut her out. I will not except responsibility for her putting the bottle to her mouth, or the affair. I will however take responsibility for my own actions, and how her years of drinking has pushed me into a protective emotional space.

There has been a lot of damage, she is 90 days sober! Thats great, but its early. She admits to thinking about the other guy sometimes, but those thoughts are less frequent now. She loves the AA meeting that he attends, and after I explained my feelings about her seeing him (anxiety, fear, helplessness) she has
arranged her meetings to avoid him. Separating the sober wife from the active drinking wife is hard to do. I love her soul, her ability to shine, not the drunk she became. I am optimistic, and cautious at the same time. I forgive the affair, I don't forget it or ever use it as ammo in a heated discussion. But I think about it! The IC is helping me, its changing my perspective on life and what I want out of it. Im going to choose to be happy, and start down the road to doing that. I have invited her to join me, thats all I can really do. The rest is not in my hands.

Me 44
Her 39
5 month EA, DD 5/3/2014
2 Wonderful Kids


Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Tx
kodiak14
♀ New Member
Member # 43235
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all on this forum that have shared their stories and explained some of the terms: ie; "functional alcoholic" etc. I've been married for almost 15 years together for close to 18. I just filed for divorce after dealing with a PA 6 years ago and now an EA (I think), she does live in a different state two time zones away so maybe it's an EA. My STBXH was a great guy when we met, yes we both liked to have beers when we worked in the yard and so on but somewhere at some point the drinking in his case started to get serious. He no longer drinks beer he drinks a 5th of whiskery a night. I know that his PA started after a happy hour with his work people and then also was carried on around bars and alcohol themed parties. In the first few years after his PA we did OK but his drinking got more serious. There were drunken tirades and he has gotten meaner with his insults and arguing when he hits a certain point in his boozing. I would just leave the room and then the next morning he would remember nothing of his asinine comments. In the past couple of years he has gotten really bad, several alcohol related incidents that has caused his job to be affected. I started spending more and more time at our cabin to get away from him and even his phone calls have gotten increasingly nasty. I was at our main house several months ago and after I left the room after he picked a fight, I heard him talking to a woman on the phone. His newest "fling" is it more than an EA? I don't know but I do know that when I caught him on the phone with her at our cabin I threw him out and saw an attorney. I filed for divorce Thursday and other than a great sadness for what once was, I know I am doing the right thing for me! Since I know how drunk he is when he's slobbering on the phone to his new "phone a friend" I can only assume that she's either desperate or she is also drunk when he calls.

I am lucky because I have a place that I can stay and get away from him but I still feel sometimes like the good person I knew is in there. I know it's not my problem now and eventually I will get over the sadness that I feel in knowing what a lost soul he is. I have told him he will be dead in five years and still he drinks a fifth a night. I have talked to his family about his issues and the first thing the tell me is that I drink too. Yes I do, but to point out the difference between a social drink and drinking to blackouts every day is beyond them. Tragically even though I've tried to tell them how bad he is? He will stop over there and drink with his dad all afternoon and then drive home from there. Just so very sad to me.

I'm sorry to ramble and I really don't expect anyone to read all of this, I know it's just more of the same that others have posted. I have read most of the posts here and I really appreciate all who have shared their stories, it really has helped allot. Thanks to all.


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