SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I occasionally work away from the home for a few nights every month. Last monday night, after dinner, she sat down and said that she had something to tell me. She said that the week before, she had a ONS with a client during her trip to Philly. She cried and apologized and swore that they only f**ked once, that it meant nothing and wasn't even good sex, and she would do anything I wanted to regain my trust. The words came out of her like a firehose. I said that I had to leave and haven't been back since. I don't want to see her, or talk to her for a while. IDK if I even want to be married to her or if I could ever trust her again, I don't know what has happened to my life.

[This message edited by Dead M at 11:45 PM, August 1st (Monday)]

Background, we have been married for 8 years, no kids, until our careers were solid. I have NEVER cheated on my wife, EVER!!! Al I do is think about what she has done, and wondering if this is the only time or have there been other times and other men. She has tried to call me at least 10 times a day since Monday, and has confessed to my parents and hers, and asked them to try to convince me to at least talk to her, but so far I've eluded everybody. I've told my boss and he gave me an assignment in Indianapolis for a couple of weeks, so I can be by myself and think.

Sorry, I seem to have typed my post in twice..

[This message edited by Dead M at 11:55 PM, August 1st (Monday)]

Nothing wrong with time away to think. You need it in fact in order to deal with the shock and emotional fallout of this.

Give yourself time before you make any decisions.

Sorry that you are where you are but I'm glad you've found SI.

Hi - I am sorry that you have to be here. I accidentally discovered my WH's A when some yahoo message popped up on the computer. He denied it for 24 hours until I had uncovered message history that was irrefutable. So, I would say that something positive is that your WS told you the truth voluntarily even though you probably would not have known otherwise.

I'd take that as a good sign that she is appropriately remorseful. I understand what you are feeling now and hope that over the next few days and weeks you are able to talk to her about what happened. I wish you the best.

DeadM...

Welcome to SI, bro...the little fraternity that none of us really wanted to join....

Good place to start is the "healing library"...its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen....good place to start....read the whole damn thing.....

As you read it...bare in mind that her cheating is not your fault....you have zero blame in her decision to cheat....

Keep us posted.....

Bufffalo

Right now, I'm seriously thinking about going out and f**king any other woman I can find. After all If she can do it why can't I? I'm a good-looking guy and get hit on all of the time, so why not? I have talked to my Dad and Mom and they said that she ( wife)is a basket case, like I'm not? She told my DAd to tell me that she will quit her job, the minute I say so , and never will get another that requires travel. But isn't all of this damage control? And just because she was (belatedly) honest and told me, does that absolve her for what she did? I am all over the place on this, and am only glad that I can compartmentize so I can do my work.

I'm seriously thinking about going out and f**king any other woman I can find.

Bro...2 wrongs dont make it right...i thought the same thing....then thought about it.....didnt do it.

Revenge affairs never solve anything....just make a bad situation worse...

Have you read the "healing library"???

Slow down, man.....this shit aint your fault....

Bufffalo

So sorry you have to be here too.I know how bad you feel.

Honestly-the fact she told you herself is huge,I would have given anything for my husband to have done that.

I know at the moment that doesn't help you either.Hang on in there.

I forgot to mention, that she told her boss and the clients boss (he is married, too) and said she will tell the other guys wife , if only I will come home and talk. Who am I sh*tting, I have no home, now.

Dead M-

Listen to buffalo..

Slow down and dont revenge f--k, it will only damage you more.

Take lots of time to slow down and breathe...

Hi honey

Yes it's truly horrible. I understand. You are dying inside. But please follow the SI advice.

Take time.

Lots of time.

You are traumatised at the moment. You can't think straight. You run it all around in your head and it just doesn't make sense.

That's why you need to take TIME.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING now but live through each day.

No major decisions. PLEASE do not go looking for a revenge A. You will regret it later. Whether you stay together or not you WILL regret it.

You have your pride.You have your integrity. Do not give that up for something cheap and nasty.

yes she has done something truly horrific and you may never be able to accept let alone forgive what she did but please try to calm down. It will be some time before you are capable of making rational decisions. Give yourself time.

Rash actions now can only bring regret.

You have all the time in the world.

We (at SI) are here for you.

HUGS

Laura

Dead M,

Believe me we know how you feel. We've all been there, done that. The advice you have been given is good advice, time tested again and again.

As you read through these forums and the healing library you'll see that your case is actually one of the more hopeful here. Your wife confessed, which is HUGE, instead of dragging you around by your balls by lying to you and trying to convince you you were crazy. We've seen it all here.

Now for some folks any infidelity, under any circumstances is a deal breaker, and that's okay. But make that decision with a cool head, fully cognizant of the results.

I know you're hurting now and angry that you're hurting because of what she did. There is no act that a spouse can do that is more painful than infidelity. People here have expressed the idea that it would hurt less if their spouse had died in a tragic accident. Believe me, Bro. We know.

Slow down. Take some time to get your head together. Read here as much as you can. Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep, eating right and getting some exercise to help with the stress. You don't HAVE to make any decisions now. Feel free to post here with any questions you might have, any rants you need to get off your chest, whatever... We're here for you.

Good luck, Bro.

C=64

So so sorry you find yourself here....i too never thought in a million years that id be even accessing such a site!

As others have said, just take things steady....get your head and thoughts together....the initial shock of her revelation will have left you reeling. You will undoubtedly feel tremendous hurt and anger and yes, it naturally makes you question the relationship.

On the plus side, if there can be one, she volunteered this information to you....you would possibly have never found out, especially as it was while she was away on business. This seems to demonatrate some real regret and remorse for her actions and i daresay plucking up the courage to confess to you must have been quite hard for her, knowing it could well mean the end of your relationship. I only wijsh my WBF had had the common decency to confess after his first encounter, instead of letting his affair continue for 18 months and only ended cos they were caught out

Like the others have said, you need to slow down and take a deep breath or two. You WW is taking ownership of her actions and that is a biggie. Just think of those she has told. If you are still out of town make yourself an appointment for the day your return for IC.

I am very sorry. It sucks, and at 7mnths out, I feel the same way most of the time. I always said it was a dealbreaker, I stayed because I have no job and 3kids, but each day I find it harder to look past that it is a dealbreaker, and am getting my ducks in a row. It sucks. He was my life, now I am lost. My dreams are gone, my heart feels dead, and nothing looks the same. Sad huh? Out 8th wedding anniversary is next mnth.

Enjoy Indy. It is hot as yell here, there is construction all over downtown to ready for the Superbowl (whoop whoop), but there are some yummy restaurants. Ooh, if you just wanna laugh, go to Crackers Comedy Club. Hilarious. There are 2 here and, oh, what a nice reprieve to just LAUGH!!!

For some folks (not necessarily sayin' you are one of them) an affair is a dealbreaker. It may take days or weeks for you to decide ... and if you decide to divorce you will feel much better if you take the high road and stay away from any kind of revenge relationship. Either way we will be here for you, and you will survive this.

Geez, I really want to thank all of you that have posted. Right now, I'm so angry and disgusted that I have no desire whatsoever to have anything to do with her. I have thought about leaving her completely and taking a position in Europe, and letting the lawyers handle any contact. She doesn't deserve to talk to me, and I don't know if I will ever desire her again. All of the things she has done to show remorse, seem like damage control, to me now. If we tried to reconcile, I would have to know everything, and she would never be allowed ANY freedom until she had PROVEN she was trustworthy. I don't want to be a slave master, I want to be a husband, but unless I am completely sure in my mind, how can we be together? She told me (through my mom) that I can do anything I want even f**k other women and she will be waiting at "home", for me, and will be completely at my command. But I don't want that. What a horrible , f**ked up, sh*tty, evil, thing to do.

First of all, I am so sorry that you are put into this position. You must feel out of your mind. Just use this time away to calm yourself down a bit and gather your thoughts together about your world. Don't think of this snapshot of your life now as the blueprint of future life. Circumstances change and people change. Your wife certainly have changed to commit such horrific deed as a married woman to such a wonderful husband like you. But, you know what? That is how life is. It's just unpredictable and so unfair at times.

Since she was so selfish with this deed, try to be selfish for yourself as well. You have committed your life to be married to this woman and vested many years so far. Now facing this situation, if you just walk away, which you have every right to, is that a better direction for you? If your ww has been a selfish and terrible human being and a partner in your marriage even before A, she seems unworth it, especially with A now. However, if she has been a good human being and a trustworthy one before this hickup, it would be a shame to just throw it all away.

I know you are angry, but her confessing her ONS with such utter remorse and not showing a shred of selfishness or attempt to justify her action shows that deep down she may be a good person and she loves you very much, despite what she has done.

To you, I am sure she feels like a "damaged" good, and in a sense she is. But, as damaged as she is, you still have to try to see objectively what kind of woman you are dealing with here. Even with this painful scar that she inflicted on you, she may be worthwhile to be given a 2nd chance at least. Of course, this is your decision and only you would know if she is worth it.

Affair or no affair, there are bad people and good people. When good people slip up and do this, that does not necessarily define them to be bad. And, she will bear this cross for the rest of her life. She can no longer pretend to be the perfect wife nor a faithful wife as she cheated once. Again this will be her cross to bear. So, let her. Pity her for now. But, don't fall to the temptation to have RA, as this cheapens you. She damaged you, and don't make the mistake of damaging yourself further. Maintain your dignity. What fxxking another woman at this stage would accomplish? If you do, she will feel she deserved it and accept it. But, then what? It will come to that both of you had ONS in the end, and how does that leave you? You will be no different. Maintain your high ground and your dignity in all this. Just concentrate on healing your mind and regaining your sanity. It may take a while, but you should try for your own sake.

You can always end this M and walk away. No one will blame you. If I sense that your ww is a bad person doing a bad thing, I would advise you to do whatever you feel right for you. In this case, although I don't know her personally, you may regret leaving her. I sense she has a good character overall based on how she handled this so far, and I am afraid you may regret if you give up on your M with this woman.

I am sorry, man. But, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and you know this. Don't get swept up by your rage and hurt. Try to calm yourself down and introspect things more. You seem like an honorable man, and one way or the other, you will be fine after all this, regardless how you decide and proceed.

I feel for you.

[This message edited by SadCalifornian at 10:31 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]

Dead M,

Sorry you are going through this.

It is hard for me to believe she has done this before considering her reactions to having done this. She has become an open book to everyone at the very beginning.

If you decide to stay in the marriage you will in the future understand how positive her actions are after such a failure. This isn’t damage control it is sincere remorse. Damage control hides from everyone it doesn’t reveal anything.

Buffalo is a wise man concerning these issues listen to him. Please read the healing library. By intuitive understanding and your present hurt you are already implementing the 180.

Please don’t give up any ground by having an ONS yourself. Stay true to yourself. It is a natural reaction to the news you have heard but you are greater than that. You have proven that by your past history in the marriage.

[This message edited by UnsettledOne at 10:58 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]