Glad to hear you are OK! But, you understand that the next time he escalates, you could be really hurt, right? You can see the pattern, and it's slowly getting worse, right?
Make a plan and get the hell out!
And don't tell him your plans, either! You were very, very lucky that he has decided to honeymoon you, but make no mistake, the first sign that you're leaving and the beast will be back.
[This message edited by veritas at 11:23 AM, September 15th (Thursday)]
Everything on the list is what she does. I confronted her about her affair 4 weeks ago and she went into an NPD rage. Slapping, pulling my hair, punching me in the mouth and even ripped my shirt right off me. I called the police and she is now living with her mom. A protection order is in place.
Coming to this forum when I realized she was in an A, I was able to get myself out of the A fog and now I am starting to see all of the NPD traits and abuse over the years. It is leaving me pretty sad, because I know I could have had a much better life.
Since there is NC, she has started a "Save My Image" campaign. Currently she is working on my DS sport's parents and will certainly move on to the schools. My lawyer is out of town this week, but a slander suit my also be in the works to go with her DV and Assualt charges.
I am looking for a counselor to help me through this. Are there family ones that specialize in spouses of NPDs?
I have already signed the papers to file for a D (amazing how easily I can make a decision w/o her around). A long battle is ahead of me, but hopefully a much much brighter future.
amazing how easily I can make a decision w/o her around
You mean without someone around that makes you question every decision you make, no matter how small? Without someone telling you you don't stir the coffee the right way, or you walk up the stairs too hard or the tv is too loud or that you drive like shit or...
Well, you get my point. You no longer have someone criticizing your every move. That must seem very freeing. Good for you.
That better life you're sad about not having? You can start having it now.
So maybe I do deserve to be In this place.
If you feel that your partner has beaten you down and damaged you, you are probably correct, and that is why it is crucial to get some help.
Either call a shelter or at least start seeing a counselor. You need to start reprogramming yourself.
There are some counselors that are more familiar with certain personality disorders. Check around and talk to a few before you pick one.
ETA: Oh, btw, never....does he know you are preparing to leave? Be very very careful. They have the ability to catch you off guard. If he is being super nice, beware. That is a warning sign.
Please don't try to engage these creatures. You can never win. Don't make it a fight to the death. You will lose. Just try to get away with your safety and a little bit of sanity left, then start the repair work.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:56 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
Please don't try to engage these creatures. You can never win. Don't make it a fight to the death. You will lose. Just try to get away with your safety and a little bit of sanity left, then start the repair work.
YES!! Save, print, post on your review mirror, carry it in your purse. Do NOT engage or "play" with them for your own amusement. Just don't. Get away. Get away as soon as possible. Have as little contact as possible. Have no reasonable expectations. They have no reasonable responses.
The more time away, the greater the distance, the easier it is to breathe and to begin to SEE. Please. If your own personal situation is NOT as scary or weird or whatever, then consider yourself lucky. But DON'T count on it staying that way. NONE of us "married" the monster. We married the nice guy/gal. The glib charmer. The considerate kind, easy going, manipulator who HID the monster.
If you are reading here, then you suspect that there lurks a monster. Don't wait for it.
Be safe, be smart. ((((tribe))))
I have not found anyone in my area that specializes in extreme NPD. If you go to the social services office in your area and ask who does psychological testing in your area and for the local government you can contact them and get a list of the ones that they refer to. Then interview them to make sure they are right for you.
If nothing is available, then read, read, and read some more. Read every book, article, on line or anything you can get your hands on that deals with NPD. When you run out of things to read on NPD then read on all other socialpathic disorders such as PAD (Passive Agressive Disorder). You will learn that more often than not NPD does not stand alone. It is usually accompanied by other pathological disorders. Many share the same symptoms and actions. You will be amazed at how this education will help you deal with the pain of living with a NPD. It will explain away a lot of the the past head slapping confusion. There are some good links on NPD Thread Part 8 if you can grab onto them before the thread disappears. Also many good book suggestions. You are in the right frame of mind if you are ready to file.....they are incurable
Status: S & D'ing
Please don't stay one more day if anything starts up again.
Land of Ellejay:
Just some brief history for now.
Married my STBXH in 1986 after a very brief courtship (is that word still used? ) Anyway, he is a little bit younger than me and I always knew he was somewhat immature but thought it would improve with age. I am not perfect either so I was prepared to overlook it because he made me laugh harder than anyone had ever done, was loving, charming and had what I thought was huge potential, I thought he would make a great father and I was right in most areas. I fell in love.
I always recognised that he had a stronger than normal need for attention/validation but once again put this down to immaturity believing this too would pass - I was WRONG!
He has always been flirtatious, not necessarily in a sexual sense but in that almost crossing the boundary but not quite so you think you're just being insecure or over-reacting (you know the feeling?
Fast forward to 7 years into our marriage. We had one child by now but had some tragedies trying to have another, i.e. lots of miscarriages, we had twins who died in utero very late into the pregnancy and H had been there through it all, v.supportive. I'd been v.ill and suffered depression after that but had got over it as best I could. Then we had 2nd son and it is then that things started to go awry. stbxh had what he called at the time a MLC (he was only 33 but anyway). He started doing really insensitive things that crossed over into being seriously warped but to my present knowledge, had not had a PA at that time. He joined the Scouts as a leader with my encouragement but became involved with it to the point that it took over our lives. He simply had to be THE BEST. I then noticed that this became a pattern in everything he undertook be it as a school committee member, soccer coach, scout leader, his work. He was so overcommitted and stressed out all the time (as was I) but would never give anything up to ease the burdern in fact the more over-committed he was, the more he would take on, he could never say NO. He was so involved with everything our kids did I thought it was so commendable and it was in many ways but also now that I look back more objectively, I wonder if it was also feeding his ego and his need to be admired/respected.
We had a major crisis when about 6 years ago, I discovered emails between him and a fellow scout leader that bordered on inappropriate. I challenged him and he admitted to having clicked with this person on a training camp and that they had "kissed" nothing more. We overcame that by talking, becoming closer and vowing to sort things out. Of course, that didn't happen. Unbeknown to be at the time, he almost simultaneously started up a PA with my best friend and neighbour, probably other A's but who knows. D-Day was 20/11/10 when I discovered explicit sexual emails which also revealed that there was an OW2 involved as well. I'd had my suspicions about BF but this was a double if not treble shock. I won't go into details but the content of the emails and the level of deviance was such that I kicked him out of the house there and then, never to return.
Since then though, he has been great with finances but still continues to act in a grossly insensitive manner in some ways. He dropped OW1 immediately but has now taken up with OW2 (his Plan B) and destroyed at least 3 marriages in the process including ours.
The reason I am on this thread is that I that the penny is now starting to drop that my stbxh may have NPD. He has some of the traits but not all of them for example:
1) Constant need for attention/validation.
2) Flirtatious behaviour.
3) Seeming lack of empathy for others.
4) Makes cruel remarks to others and disguises them as "jokes.
5) Inability to think ahead as to how his actions may affect others.
6) Exaggerated behaviour in social situations i.e. laughing at inappropriate situations, talking loudly, behaving as if he is "on stage" all the time even when dealing with our kids.
7) Constant ego feeding.
8) Wanting to be seen as The Best to the point of being obsessive.
9) Empire Building. By that, I mean pushing himself to forge ahead in business when finances and resources cannot yet meet the growth.
10) Inability to recognise uncomfortable body language in others in social situations even though he counsels others on a daily basis in his working life.
I could go on and on and bore everyone to death but you get the picture. I am convinced he is NPD or at least has NPD personality traits possible coupled with a histrionic personality disorder.
I just need help in how to deal with his many insensivities as I journey through this situation. I've tried just switching off but it may be too early.
I was once in a relationship with a NPD/socio/psycho path. Now he obviously wasn't diagnosed but when you torture someone ... well it speaks for itself. I'm going to share some things that I've only ever told one other person in my life. Because you need an eyeopener and you need to GET OUT now.
I was with this awesome guy, senior year of high school big time wrestler. I was the nerdy, math geek and I was so flattered that he had paid attention to me. We were the all American couple. Perfect.... on the top.
The things I endured because he had turned me against my family, brain washed me and made me think everything was my fault.
He was charming at first, sooo affectionate, so sweet. Once I was hooked... it turned into a nightmare. For THREE YEARS I endured pain and torture from this idiot. At first he'd fly into rages.... blame it on me, call me names, call me fat (I was 5'10 and about 165 lbs so ... yeah I wasn't fat) he would degrade me so far down on the totem pole that when I hit bottom he'd flip and be a totally different person and he'd start to bring me right back up to the top of that pole ... once I hit the top and thought I would fly .... right back down again.
The first time he threatened me I swore I was going to run. But... well then the next day he'd act as if nothing happened, Mr.Sweet and charming ... and he'd be like that for days.... after awhile .. it wouldn't last for days and I wouldn't KNOW when he would fly off the handle.
His way of keeping me off balance and unable to think straight. I had just turned 18 the first time he broke my rib, a week after that he explained to me in detail how easy it is to kill someone (daddy was in the military)and get away with it ... he'd hold me down put one hand around my neck and say "If I hit RIGHT here ...(putting the bottom of his palm against my nose) and hit really hard you'd die instantly" all the while he was slowly choking me ... the first time he had a knife in his hand he threatened me because he was in one of his rages.
A week later he stabbed me in the leg held me down and proceeded to rape me. Afterwards ... I swear to god to this day I have no idea how in the hell I could have let myself be sucked in. I didn't THINK I could leave... that's how well he had brainwashed me. The 2nd time he tried to stab me he shoved the blade through the bridge of my nose ... I had to be rushed to the hospital and I had to sleep sitting up in a chair for a month because I'd could have drown from the blood.
But guess what.... OMG he was so nice during that time!!! He HAD changed!!!! I knew he could I knew it!!! Maybe I had finally done something right!!!
yeah I don't think so. Made him look so good to everyone else outside. I was locked in the closet over night (i was claustrophobic), he'd sit on my chest and force me to eat until I threw up, he almost cut my hand off because I had gotten a job and he saw me shake hands with my future boss (male). Everytime I tried to run he'd find me and suck me right back in, one time he actually started DRIVING me home calling me horrible names, making me feel that somehow ... whatever was going on was my fault. Then half way he'd stop, break down and cry and swear to god he'd be better... so of course back I went.
Six months before I left him for good.... daddy started to join in. I'll leave you with your imagination.
I'm telling you right now Never... DO what these people are telling you to do. WHY are you going back? WHY are you putting yourself in danger? You don't think he will actually hurt you? Guess what I took that abusive shit for 3 years... I was 19 when I left him.
Get out of the house, go to a family or friends house LEAVE. Take those damn text messages to the police TELL them what has been going on... DO something now because tomorrow it may be too late.
I forgot to add that I never went to the police... I asked my sister to help me and when he was gone she came over grabbed me and I ran... I stayed with (who would be my future EH). He stalked me ... for a year. I couldn't go out of the house without the X (who I was with at the time) or my dad. I wouldn't even unlock the door until my dad came up to help me with the laundry... he'd hide in bushes when I was at my parents house... my dad caught him one day and threatened him with a BB gun (funny because it looked like a shotgun) he found my sisters place (the one that helped me leave) and forced her to lie and call me and say "She needed me to come over and help her with something" but I knew he was there. We had our code (thank god for sisters) I told my dad and he drove straight to her house. He was obviously gone by then ...
TAKE the legal road MAKE him stay away. Please.
[This message edited by Llanden at 11:41 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
My heart breaks for you.
If that story doesn't get you to remove yourself from this man then nothing will. Fingers crossed you do the right thing for you.
Neverbelieve, you have read my story about how close my stbx came to hitting me and that I knew by the look in his eyes that not only would he do it but that he HATED me. I saw absolute HATRIED in his eyes and proof that if I stayed for one more "rage" I would end up with a black eye or worse. Now tell me, when he had you pinned against the wall and had the knife in his hand, what did you see in his eyes? Or were you afraid to look? You KNOW that he means exactly what he says and that if you don't stop him he is going to hurt you and maybe kill you. Did you read his eyes? Is that the part that is tearing your heart out? That you could see in his eyes that he meant ever word of it?
What I didn't tell anyone is that the reason I KNOW my stbx would do it is because for 12 years he has told me that he could quite easily kill someone and no one would ever find the body. I have lived with that threat for the last 3 years during his rages. He also has guns and I live in fear that he will make good on his threats. He also told me in the last year that it wouldn't bother him at all to kill someone. So when I saw the look of hatred in his eyes for me I was freakin terrified but I stayed calm enough to threaten him with the police and it stopped him. I moved out 1 week later but I still worry what might happen to set him off and have him come after me.
You can't play with these NPDs who rage like he does. He is gonna snap and it will be too late for you. You have the texts which are proof you can show the police to get your RO. I didn't have any proof so I couldn't get one. Don't take your life for granted, you have to protect yourself from him. Go to the police and get the RO, don't wait till the weekend when he sucks you back in with his "nice guy" mode. He is what he is and you can't love him enough to make him better or not an NPD. Please, Please PLease protect yourself.
My psychoX used to practice extreme psychological abuse. He would leave a dagger next to the movie psycho. He would show me the tips of his new daggers for his collection and remark how nice and sharp the blades were. He would drive with me and the kids in the car at 95 mph with his foot stomping the gas and him swerving onto the berm....
\And he would threaten that if I ever left him, he would take my child so he wouldn't ever pay child support. His rages were so scary, he would throw things, run after me and kick in doors, scream in my face....if we were in the car, he would scream so loud in my ear that my ear would ring for days.
These people don't change, and they have no soul. Never, he does not love you. You are his narcissistic supply. When you are not giving him enough adoration to fill him up, he will rage or eventually he will find someone else that does. You are only a feeding supply to him. He does NOT love you. Keep saying that over and over. Don't be his feeding supply. Cut him off. The only reason he will come after you when you leave is because his ego is so huge he does not like to be left. He wants to be the one to end it. He can't stand someone else having any power or control. Remember, a person who hurts you does NOT love you!
And NA I like what you said and it pretty much sums it up:
The only reason he will come after you when you leave is because his ego is so huge he does not like to be left. He wants to be the one to end it. He can't stand someone else having any power or control. Remember, a person who hurts you does NOT love you!
Especially the last sentence ... remember people who truly LOVE will do anything in their power to prevent the one they love from getting hurt. They'll move heaven and earth to make sure you are happy.
Did you read his eyes? Is that the part that is tearing your heart out? That you could see in his eyes that he meant ever word of it?
soverybetrayed, this line makes me cry. Not a teary eye, but full on sobbing crying. Yes, its the part that's tearing my heart out. How do you give someone 15 years and in return you get betrayed and abused? How can that person look at you with such hatred? I should have seen this as a problem years ago. I should have left. Instead I've made excuses, I've taken the blame, I've done everything I could to make everything better.
Where did my pride go? What happened to my backbone? I used to be known as a bitch. I never took crap from anyone. Now, I'm pathetic. I've taken so much abuse from him I have absolutely no self respect left. None. It's gone.
To everyone else, thank you. Reading all of your stories really makes me analyze my own situation differently. I hope one day someone can read my story and see the similarities, and get out.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't know why that is bothering me so much. It isn't a milestone birthday. It isn't anything really. I think it's because my choices are to stay home and wake up with him around, or wake up in a hotel alone or on someone's couch. Sounds great, right?
Oh, then there's last year's birthday. I still couldn't walk well at all (needed help, had a cane, etc.) He got me a cake, which trust me, is more than I usually got, and he spent the morning texting his XGF and the evening on FB with her. She sent him another dirty picture. That's my 40th birthday. Tomorrow is 41, and it will be worse than last year.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. My life is shit right now. I hate my job, my husband is a fake, my kids are older and have their own lives. I have nothing.
Sorry for the pity party. It just really sucks being 41 and realizing that everything that's happened since I was 25 has been a waste of time.
Again, thank you all. You really are helping me pull through this, and I'm sure others too.
How sorry I am, I can not express. I know it was painful to even write that post. Thank you for sharing that with us. Especially for sharing that for Never's benefit. That was very generous of you.
Why haven't you left yet or gone to the police yet. I am hearing more excuses ....Birthday??? Really??? Forget everything and GET OUT or GET HIM OUT. Get yourself safe and worry about all the other crap later. Stop worrying about feeling hurt, feeling sad, etc. You can deal with those feelings once you are safe. What about feeling scared???? Does that not count as a real emotion???? Is feeling scared better than feeling hurt and alone??? Can you live with constant fear easier than you can live with a heart that is aching because you THINK you love someone.
I am sure you feel something....but how can it be love? How can you love someone that can treat you like that? I think you feel grief and confuse it for love. When are you going to love yourself. When are you going to love yourself enough to see that you do NOT deserve this treatment and abuse.
Can you tell me one time in your life that you have recomended that someone stay in an abusive relationship....Have you EVER thought is was a good idea for ANYONE to stick around for another session of abuse?
So what makes you think that it is even REMOTELY POSSIBLE that it is a good idea for you to stick around for even one more second?
GET OUT or GET HIM OUT NOW!!!!
But, think about it this way...how about giving yourself a HUGE GIANT birthday gift of a new life
Again, where was the excuse?
You might mean well, but really saying I'm making excuses when I've made none and acting as if I'm saying "oh,but he's a good guy" or whatever you think isn't helping.
Really, all your post did was piss me off, and not at him.
Thanks for whatever you thought you were doing.
My apologies. It was not meant to insult you. I understood that you were sticking around because it was your birthday tomorrow. Previously you had stated that you were leaving this weekend. It sounded as if you weren't. Everyone here is very concerned.....mainly because some of us have lived the escalation and know how volatile and dangerous this period is. I have scars to prove it. I also found reasons not to end it. I thought I was imune....6'4" 290 lbs.....what could a 117 lb. female do to me???? I found out. There is no safety until you are away from them....bottom line.
You are thinking with your heart.....we all have. Been in your shoes, felt the heart keeping us there, when the brain is screaming to leave. I was hoping to separate your heart from your brain....that's all.
P.S. The only time I have ever advocated leaving or ending a marriage is here on NPD thread. The only time I have suggested leaving imediately is when danger is iminent. Other than that everyone has to decide when they are ready....For safety sake....I hope you are ready. Good luck....I will say no more.