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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the pity party. It just really sucks being 41 and realizing that everything that's happened since I was 25 has been a waste of time.
I know, but you have to look at it differently. I've spent most of my adult life in relationships with NPDs and APDs. I am close to 50 now. But I am not willing to change anything I've gone thru, because it has helped make me who I am today.

Each guy has taught me a lesson, and I am using those in the new career field I am going into. I am so much more educated on personality disorders than I ever really wanted to be, but I am finding I am getting fairly good at helping others thru it, and I like being able to do that.

You aren't going to get 15 years of love out of your head in just a few months. It is going to take you some time. But in the meantime, not speaking for Frank, but I think what he was trying to do (correct me if I'm wrong) is to let you know that you will heal, and you will be able to sort thru your issues and the pain and the shock and trauma that we all go thru when realizing what we had is not really what we thought we had.....but you need to make safety your number #1 priority right now.

As long as you are still alive you will eventually be able to sort thru this and heal. But you need to take your physical safety needs and put those first, even beyond the emotional horrors you are feeling right now.

I believe you are still in shock from all this, and it takes a while to work thru the shock. But for those of us that have been with these people and have gotten some distance, we can see the danger that you can't.

Most sociopaths/NPDs are not killers, but they easily can be in the heat of the moment, because they don't have the same moral compass we have that stops us from perpetuating severe bodily harm on others. In fact, their brains are actually wired differently.

There has been research and studies done showing the brain of a NPD/APD person as opposed to that of a brain of a more "normal" person. They do not work the same. Someone that is APD/NPD can hurt others easier because they can always justify it to themselves. For them, the end justifies the means, and when they want something, they will do whatever necessary to get it. Most of us have boundaries. These types of people do not.

Again, if you would just call a shelter and talk with someone there, they cannot make you do anything you are not ready for, but they can help to educate you and assess your personal situation and they are there to help you when you are confused, in shock, and scared. I love my advocate. I don't know how I would have survived without her. She has made a huge difference for me. If you call and don't like what you are hearing, call that national domestic abuse hotline and talk to someone there. Most advocates are very dedicated but you may get one approaching burn-out, in which case you will need to seek out another.

Just don't give up, and don't be afraid to seek help. You need it and you deserve it, and one other thing, no one is going to sit in judgment for your choices. If you talk to someone that is judgmental, that person has their own issues to deal with and you need to find another.

We just want you to be safe!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(correct me if I'm wrong) is to let you know that you will heal, and you will be able to sort thru your issues and the pain and the shock and trauma that we all go thru when realizing what we had is not really what we thought we had.....but you need to make safety your number #1 priority right now.

Exactly....thanks. Worded better than I did.

I am so much more educated on personality disorders than I ever really wanted to be,

Amen....I have read enough and discussed enough to have a master's degree. Yet I have learned more from talking to people that have lived it. All of the researchers gain most of their info from the victims of NPD because the NPD persons can not answer questions with honesty. There is a lot to be learned from those that have lived it and survived it.

When we are activly living with it we can not see with clarity. But those that have survived it are able to look back and see the confusion and wrong choices based on that confusion and imbalance that NPDs seem to keep us in.

When watching the news and seeing women that were killed and had a history of violence in the marriage, We all wonder how could she stay in that relationship and take that abuse. What did she expect? We tend to judge that they "asked for it". Having lived it....I know how hard it is to let go. I refused to accept she was NPD because I had learned that it was untreatable. I was grieving the loss of my past, my future, my everything I believed in. It felt like love.....still not sure what I felt. I understand the role the heart plays in keeping us there. The battle between the heart and mind is viscious. Especially when it comes to NPD relationships. It was extremely hard to accept that she never loved me and I was duped for so long. I still try to hang on to the thought that she had to have loved me....even with all the research that says this is not the case.

Sometimes when I see things so clearly I want to just scream it out to those that can not. But I forget that I had people screaming it out to me when I was "confused" and I still did not hear. (kdny, if you read this.....no "I told you so's). But I think that their screaming did help in many ways. I could still hear them in the back of my mind. I too got angry when people were yelling for me to get out....I wish I had listened a little more and felt a little less.

But then....we are only human. Complete with our own strengths and weaknesses. Where we were once weak, we must find strength. Where we were once strong, We must find humility. That is the only way we can change who we are and how we live.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Neverbelieve. You can look at it two ways, tomorrow can be the day you figuratively give him the finger and walk out or tomorrow can be another day in Hell! Which do you chose for yourself? Ok so you are going to be 41, that isn't over the hill cause trust me I have mounted that hill and climbed down the other side and I still found the strength I didn't know I had and I walked away.

I knew when I wrote the part about looking in his eyes that you had seen exactly what I saw. I knew because I felt it in your words and in the pain that you put into your words. That look is so soul/gut wrenching that unless you have experienced it no one can explain it to you. It is like looking into the eyes of a serial murderer. They are cold and there is nothing but pure hatred and ice in those eyes. I will NEVER forget seeing his eyes that day and feeling the absolute shock of knowing that the man that I loved, yes loved, hated my guts. What had I ever done to make him hate me? I had called him on his bull shit and that one must NEVER do with an NPD. You have done that so many times with your wh that the next may be your last, you saw the look and now you have to use that fear and that look to leave as fast as you can. Because he has shown you his true feelings there is nothing to hold him back now. You are screwing up his NPD world and taking away his supply, how DARE you do that when he didn't give you permission to have feelings or thoughts he didn't approve. You don't leave because you are living in constant fear and you have been so torn down that you are absolutly terrifed to make a decision. Why are you the way you are now? Take a look at the NPD man in your home, HE did this to you. He took years to beat you into submission so you walked on eggshells and he slowly chipped away at your backbone until it is gone. You didn't even realize it was happening because you were so busy trying to make his world perfect that you forgot about you and missed what he was doing to you. Like someone said, when we are in in we just can't see it but once you leave you will be royally pissed at him for what he has done to you.

I wished you lived near me because I would drive over and pick you up myself and get you the hell away from this NPD bastard. I know that what you feel is love because I felt it too. But you have to get to a point where you know that the look you saw is only an inch from physical abuse and you will end up getting hit. I wished that I could talk to you in person so that you had someone to help you see there is no way to stay. You can't love him enough to make him change or for him to want to change. He will NEVER be the man he pretended to be when you met him.

Pack your bags, check into a nice hotel that has a spa, get a massage, mani/pedi for your birthday and wake up for your 41st birthday in a peaceful environment. If I had to choose...there is no way I would wake up there tomorrow. I would give myself the gift of losing the NPD weighing down my soul. You don't believe it but you do deserve better. You deserve peace and happiness. You deserve to wake up and know that you are ok. If your kids are still living at home then they need to be out of that situation also. His rage will not end no matter what you do but at least you won't on the front lines.

I can honestly say that I haven't regretted my decision 1 single day since I left and money is scarce for me but I wake up happier than I have been in 12 years.It was hard to get the courage to move but I value my life and I won't let a man hit me. I found a place, packed and moved in 1 week to save my life. You can walk away, you will cry, miss him (not the NPD him the fake one)but when you see how lucky you are to be able to not be screamed at and degraded and do what you want for a change you will find happiness.

Please know that I have lived everything you are dealing with so I am NOT blowing smoke up your skirt. I know how it feels to be told by your wh that he could kill you and not feel bad about it. I also know that it is the wrong way to live and that you can walk away even if you lose everything you own, you will keep your life. Please choose your life over hoping this man will change.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed, again, thank you. I am leaving, although I think he's already gone. If he is, good. One less thing I have to deal with. My head is already in overdrive and I'm so upset I can barely function. Not because this mess is ending, but because I let this happen in the first place. For years I just kept picturing him as that guy that couldn't wait to see me. That guy that thought the world of me. That guy that was my soulmate. I kept pretending he was that guy years after that guy had skipped town. When he'd blow off holidays or birthdays I'd make excuses. When he was moody I tried to make everything better. I so desperately wanted 'that guy' back that I didn't allow myself to see the real him.


He will NEVER be the man he pretended to be when you met him.

How could I have been such a fool?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because we wanted the person that they first presented to us. We want that person back, so we keep hoping and praying and trying.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just really sucks being 41 and realizing that everything that's happened since I was 25 has been a waste of time.

You've wasted 25 years with this man ... why waste anymore? 40 isn't old, I just turned 35 and I've been alone for the last 6 years almost.

And I wanted to mention you don't love this man, you loved mirror image of what you thought he was.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No beating yourself up here. You had no idea that someone could be like this. Who would ever believe that these people could pour on the charm and be totally dead inside? I never would have believed it. Heck there are still days when I wonder if maybe somehow I was wrong since my ex is remarried and seems to be doing well and I have little contact with him.

The leaving is the first step. Then, once you are safe, you will process this and heal. It will be a rollercoaster but so worth it. You can't heal while you are in it.

Please be kind to yourself and be safe. You are the only one who can give that to yourself. You are so worth taking care of. The fact that someone like this is attracted to you means you have some really special quilities. You are who they want to be and can't.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck there are still days when I wonder if maybe somehow I was wrong

Me too.....I think we all have those days. I know I worry about it and analyze it over and over looking for a clue that I might have been wrong....hoping for something to prove me wrong.

Never,

I am sorry I was harsh on you this morning. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just going through the process of acceptance. We all want to push you through this phase as quickly as possible. This phase is the most painful and crazimaking part of what we had to go through. Those of us that have come out the other side will ALL tell you that we are more at peace (maybe not happier yet) than we have been in many years. Once you get away from this insanity, the healing realy starts. And it moves soooo fast. You will find yourself again very soon after you exit this relationship. What you are doing and feeling.....we have ALLLL been there. And some of us....not all that long ago....Since the end of April for me. I have healed more in the last 5 months than I ever imagined possible. My healing didn't start till last May. I can't wait to read your posts 2-3 months from now. They will be so different and so positive. 6 months from now you won't recognize yourself. It truly is GREAT to be past what you are going through right now. And yes you will probably feel really down for a couple of weeks. Prepare yourself but do not give in. You will just have to repeat the process later. The less times you repeat the easier it is.

I am sending you strength and hope you wake up to a new world. A much better world. You have paid your dues....You deserve for things to get better now. And the day you find someone that will treat you "normal" or better.....That will be a truly happy day.....I can't explain the way it has made me feel. I wish that feeling for you someday soon.

Happy Birthday.....treat yourself to a wonderful day and spoil yourself without guilt....You deserve it.

Hugs from all of us (((Never)))


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a beautiful heart that is able to love fully. Like dck said in a thread of mine in NB, that is a gift. He will never be able to feel that type of love. That is sad. But, snakes don't have love. They only hypnotize their prey then consume them. He has been taking little pieces of you for years. That is why after we leave, many times, we don't even know who we are. We are just a shell of the person we used to be. Because they sucked us dry.

I've been with more than one NPD/APD. And I have had things thrown at me, bruises left on me, and been told how easy it is for them to kill with just one swift move.....

And it can STILL be hard to leave. It is proven that no one is immune to brainwashing. Like a snake that hypnotizes its prey so it can eat, NPD/APDs hypnotize their prey so they can feed. Only, they are feeding off your soul and your energy. You will hurt for a while, because you are losing your dreams, what you thought you had, and what you thought your future was going to be. That is a true loss and can feel devastating. And, because we are somewhat normal human beings, we have evolved with a very strong gene to "bond" with a mate, so we can raise a family and perpetuate our species. It is normal to bond strongly with someone. That bond can be very hard to break. Don't feel bad, or guilty or stupid!!!

These types of people also tend to be most attracted to the people who have what they want: strength, independence, nurturing, and a good heart. They cannot feed fully on someone who is weak and clingy. They have an uncanny ability to read people, and he knew what it would take to draw you in. They seem to intuitively know our weaknesses, and then use those against us. So if you are a nurturing type of person, they will show some vulnerability to draw you in....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neverbelieve please check in so we know that you are ok. I am really worried about you and want to make sure he wasn't waiting when you got home tonight. He knows you are raw and that tomorrow is your birthday so he is going to pull some shit to get to you. He needs to feed and your are still a good source so be careful.

NaiveAgain is so dead on as to how they rope us in. We much give off some type of pherimone that says I am strong, independent and a loving person so suck me dry NPD. They put on their very best persona and go after us until years later when they get tired of it all and they have chipped away at our self esteem. They make you exhausted and think you are crazy. I remembered last night a time when I said something to my ex about masterbation and he told me that he didn't believe in it. Ok whatever. A few years later I walked in on him masterbating and said "I thought you didn't believe in it?" He told me that he never said that and that I was crazy. I honestly believed until last night that I must have dreamt him saying it. He has pulled this on me with other stuff and made me think that it was the meds I was taking or that I was losing my mind. See, that is how they slowly chip away at us. We start to doubt ourselves and what we believe. They are so sly until we stand up to them and they are afraid they are losing control, then it is the rage. None of this is your fault, he has played you like a fiddle because he knows exactly how to do it. I know you the love the man he pretended to be but just rmember that was all it was for him...pretend, smoke and mirrors. Who you see today is the real him without his mask. He aint pretty, he is vicious and nasty and mean and you deserve better even if you are alone for a while, it is better than his threats.

Please let us know you are ok?


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading an article on this website that I am starting to absolutely love... it pretty much described A LOT of the situations some of us get in ... I'll post the article here and the link. Oh and NA ... my snakes love me (and I mean my ball pythons )

I was speaking with a reader earlier who has been through exactly this – you know it doesn’t feel good. You know what you like and what you don’t like. You know there is something more than a little jacked up about what you have experienced and yet…

The self doubt comes in.

It’s the rationalizing, the ignoring, the denying, the ability to see gold where there is rusty copper, the confusion, the listening to the words rather than looking at the actions.

More importantly, you no longer know what is ‘normal’ anymore.

Your normal is what you used to think is screwed up.

You have become very good at normalizing bad behavior.

If you imagine your ‘relationship’ with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns like this:

Imagine that your capacity to love is at, let’s say 70%. Depending on what flavor of guy you’re messing with out of these two, let’s say his capacity is 20%.

These guys don’t see themselves in the reality because they are distanced from their emotions and distanced from their behavior – hence why their words rarely match their actions.

Their over sized ego’s, which compensate for the little boy within, have them rationalizing their behavior to themselves and deciding that they’re Mr Wonderful’s.

You know the “It’s not like I cheat/beat/steal/do x,y,z like ‘other’ guys” kind of rubbish… Or “I wouldn’t be this way if you weren’t so needy/thinner/gave me more BJ’s/let me sleep around…” crap…

As a result, they don’t see their 20% as 20% – they see it as 100%.

This is why they big up themselves and think their crumbs should be more than enough to sustain you.

They throw you a crumb but in their eyes, the crumb has become a loaf in the transit.

They’ve given as much as they’re capable of giving, but it’s not up to much, but in their eyes, they think it’s brilliant because they’ve normalized their own bad behavior.

The key is that you have got to stop thinking that because someone has given all that they can give that it makes it enough, or believing that you can continue to put your bucket down in the emotional blackhole well in the hope that on one of the buckets trips, some extra emotion will come out.

When they first started doing things that you didn’t like, you will have objected, but in eventually accepting their behavior because you wanted to believe in the best him, the illusion, the guy you think is hidden within, or the relationship that you so desperately want, your expectations got managed down to accommodate them, and you got trained.

You have adapted to the whims and idiosyncrasies each time you have been with these men, so what was abnormal has become totally normal.

This is how you end up becoming distanced from yourself and forgetting who you are, what you need, what you want etc.

This is why it is important to step back, cut contact, have some breathing space, and figure out who the hell you are, what you’re doing, what you want, and where you are going.

You need to separate yourself from your men and re-establish your identity.

You and your Mr Unavailable/assclown are not the same person.

They don’t get to make the rules – you do.

They don’t get to define the boundaries – you do.

They don’t get to decide what you like and don’t like – you do.

More importantly, you have to step back and re-evaluate this relationship thang because trust me, normalizing their bad behavior and molding, adapting, and accommodating till the cows come home is not working for you.

You don’t get extra brownie points. They don’t love you more, respect you, trust you, or care about you more. In fact, they just use your behavior as an excuse to continue their behavior because they believe and know that if you loved yourself more and had boundaries in place, there’s no way in hell you’d continue to give him the time of day.

If you’ve been saying to yourself that you don’t know what’s normal anymore or that you no longer know what a normal relationship looks like, step back, re-evaluate, and start building a you with boundaries and healthier attitudes towards yourself and love.

If you put your feet in reality and think about how these men have behaved, you will recognize that at times they’ve been nothing short of outrageous! You can only truly see this if you don’t have the shadow of their crap looming over you which is why cutting contact, ending the relationship, whatever it is you need to do, in time, will give you objectivity, which in turn will give you the freedom to take care of you.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/normalising-bad-behaviour/


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Llanden for posting that very informative article.

I think we, those that have survived an NPD spouse, need to be reminded time and time again of what we have/are dealing with.

It is only when we step back away from the NPD crap we can see how abnormal and outrageous our NPD spouses behaviour was.

I remember a few days after DDay. I was devastated and in shock. He was happy. I called him out on his cruelty of behaving so happy around me and he said "You want me to hit you don't you".

Never poke the tiger.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can remember that when we were still M, and I kept asking him what was wrong (he was having the A's!). He kept telling me I was crazy, he treated me like a princess and the kicker:..."it's not like I hit you or anything!".

THAT'S what he considered "treating me poorly". Hitting me would have been treating me poorly. Cheating on me, lying to me, hiding money and making me feel crazy were perfectly fine!


Oh..and Llanden...that article is DEAD ON for me. Scary.

[This message edited by cmego at 6:21 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's crazy, the amount of crap we'll put up with, all in the name of "love". What I've learned is that if you truly love YOURSELF first (no not the selfish Oh I'm god's gift to the world kind of love) you start seeing these assclowns of ours (and others) for who they really are.

If you have personal boundaries, and self respect and you MAKE yourself realize that everyone in this world deserves to be treated with love, kindness, respect and honesty. Now obviously if someone is not ... then *Poof* buh bye you are not worth my time.

You'll SEE bad behavior for what it is and you will not tolerate it. Ever. Period. No excuses.

Now I understand that some people deserve 2nd chances.... and possibly in SOME situations maybe 3rd chances.... but that is a truly remorseful, caring, FEELING individual. People make mistakes. Yep I finally understand that. And I finally understand that any choices OTHER people make have absolutely NO reflection upon me. Only I have that power. Only MY choices reflect upon me.

They choices any of us make or made to stay with the abuse reflect upon us. OUR choices. Fear, uncertainty, humiliation ... whatever it was keeping us back ... it most certainly was NOT love keeping us there.

Maybe the idea of it, maybe the concept of what we thought it was. But like I am now a firm believer of.. 'Actions speak louder than any words spoken .... or screamed."


I had a guy that I had fallen in love with recently, we've been friends for oh... has to be close to 13 years now. He had separated from his wife so after about 6 months or so we wanted to see if we could work out. I mean I've always wondered.

So we decided to, we live 600 miles apart... so needless to say circumstances just didn't pan out the way I'd have liked them too. He's back with his wife, which I 100% wholeheartedly support. I've completely stepped back and I am only here if he needs to talk. I respect his decisions. Not that it wasn't hard for me ... I'm still in love with him but I will NEVER ever come in between anyone's family. Ever.

He recently said how much he missed me and he's not sure if it will work out because he's not sure he can trust his wife ever again(she cheated on him). And I understand that. But in the back of my mind, I thought "If you missed me that much and loved me that much.... then you'd be here not there and it's disrespectful, not only to me but to the wife he is "trying" to work it out with."

When you love and respect yourself you start to see bad behavior has not good, disrespectful and not healthy.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see so much of what I have done in that article. I went from a strong, independent woman to a shadow of myself. When I went into my relationship I would never have allowed him to give me the silent treatment (he tried and I left), I wouldn't have accepted him going out with his buddies drinking till all hours of the night, I wouldn't have put up with him inviting strangers into my home without me knowing, or put up with him dictating what I watched, read or did.

Now that I have separated I have been really looking back on the marriage and I see so many ways that I got tired of fighting and gave in to his ways. I will never understand how he maintained the "good guy" image for 2 years until I was stuck with him. I know that it all started to change about the time I believe he had his first affair. We had only been married for 2 years when he began going out drinking with the "guys" till 2am. I put my foot down and told him that married men do not close down the bars. He told me that he doesn't answer to me and that he will do as he wants. I should have left him then but he had moved me to a different town and a place that I hated. That was when everything changed, when he got me away from where I had friends and comfort zone.

I have no idea why I put up with it for another 10 years but I think alot of it is because of my age and that I didn't want another divorce. I had a new grandchild who was living with us and that was also a factor. He used so many things to force me to mold to what he wanted.

He recently had the gall to tell me that he "wasn't happy being married". I was so angry that I just hung up on him. How can you tell your wife that you werent happy being married when you never lived like a married man? He did whatever he wanted, came and went without telling me or asking me,invited strangers into our home without asking me, did drugs knowing how I hate them, drank all the time and became an alcholic, went to strip clubs whenever he wanted and screwed whoever he wanted so how is that being married? What the hell did HE have to complain about? I was the one sitting at home waiting for my husband to spend time with me. I was the one being faithful and trying to make the marriage work. When he told me that he wasn't happy being married was the moment that I was done forever. Let him find some new woman who will put up with the crap I did and give him the freedom I gave him. She can have him and all his NPD shit cause I am no longer willing to be a doormat for him. I remember when he used to say to me "are you trying to pick a fight with me" if I would ask him something that he didn't like or say that I didn't want to go where he did. I never understood why he would act so stupid but now I get it. And he used to use the "at least I don't cheat on you" line when I would complain about his constant going out drinking. Guess that was HUGE lie eh?

I am actually to the point that I can peg when he is going to call me. He has gotten so predictable with his control that I know just about the day he will reach out to hang on to me. I am ready to be divorced and live alone so I can become me again and understand that I deserve better than what I was getting. I maybe alone but at least I am no longer married and lonely.

I pray that all of us spouses to deal with an NPD get out and stay out.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, these posts are really wonderful. I'm checking in, and thanks to all that were concerned.

I spent the weekend with some friends and just laid low. I'm still in shock right now but I'm maintaining.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how was the birthday? Did you do anything fun? Go to the spa? Get a mani/pedi? I hope you did something fun cause you deserve it. Glad that you are ok, I was worried about you all weekend and must have checked 50 times each day to see if you checked in. Yeah, I know...stop acting like you mama! Can't help it, I worry.

Anywho, glad all is well with you.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((soverybetrayed)))

you can act like mama whenever you want! I really just tried to relax and not think about anything, which wasn't easy. The Bday was nice - went to dinner with some friends and stayed the night with one of them. Being around someone helped to keep my mind off of things and also gave me someone to vent to :)

I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Ugh!!


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Belated Birthday (((never)))

Hang in there. Peace and happiness is on its way to you.

XXX and support.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never,

Glad you had a peaceful B-Day.

Sometimes it helps just to take a break. Keep us posted on your journey.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
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