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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just struggling to understand how I lived for nearly 25 years with a man who I believe may be NPD. As I have said before, he was never verbally cruel to me, in fact he would be very attentive at times. But......he was very attentive to all women now that I think about it. I am struggling to find my part in all of this. Was my lack of libido over the past few years due to hormonal change, life events, tiredness etc etc or was it that I knew instinctly that (1) I was not the only one and never would be and two (2) that no matter what I did, he would always need external validation. These NPDs fuck with your head so much. I feel I have a neon sign on my head that says "NPD? Here I am!"
I don't think I will ever trust myself to bring another man into my life again.

Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not real to NPD's. Only they are real. I love the Teddy Bear analogy from Patricia Evan's book "Controlling People.

The TEDDY BEAR SYNDROME

Every abuser of other human beings is in a fundamental respect CHILDISH, because abusers have only a sense of POWER OVER and control of others, and have not matured into the self-actualization of PERSONAL POWER -- which always arises from within, with integrity, honesty, individual creativity, secure within oneself, and therefore in no need to have any POWER OVER others, but rather seeking to cooperate with the PERSONAL POWER of equally valued others, valued for their inherent human dignity.

So, in the Teddy Bear Syndrome, the little boy has found an initially "beloved"little toy/friend. Teddy is always there for him, she gives him much needed comfort, hugs, and she always understands him. He believes Teddy always knows his needs, his desires, and always silently approves as all good Teddies do. Teddy alwasy loves to sleep with him. And he never has to explain himself to Teddy, because Teddy must just "know" without words how to read his mind.

Evans says this is the general state of the mind of an abuser in the first flush of being "in love" -- and he may be all sweetness and light and full of (ultimately shallow) compliments for "his woman" (Teddy).

Ultimately, as all children do, after the first flush of excitement with a new toy, the little boy walks away to do other things, to play with other toys, or enjoy life by himself. He expects to come back and find Teddy right where he left her, and pick up right where everything left off. He didn't bother to think about her when he was gone, why would he? Teddy can read his mind anyway, and anticipate his every need when he comes home.

Well, as we all know, women are not really TEDDY BEARS. They are REAL. And inevitably, Teddy will "talk back." The first reaction may well be one of shock -- "What??!? Why is my Teddy Bear talking back to me?" He will then ignore her; as, of course, she's not REAL (in another book, Evans uses a different metaphor, the "Dream Woman," the impossible unreal but demanded ideal who lives in his head, and which he projects onto the woman in his world).

What happens when a real woman keeps insisting she is REAL? Anger, fury. "How dare she? She doesn't respect that only **I** am real and worthy of respect?" And he may even attempt to beat the stuffing out of Teddy to force her to submit. Why, his exploitation of her is just as natural and "right" as a child's natural "exploitation" of ANY toy.

The question for all of us victims is this:

Why did we allow ourselves to be treated like that? What can we do to have healthy boundaries, self respect, self care, and the ability to say "HELL NO!"


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis: thank you for that analogy!! It really sounds like my life and makes it easier to understand the mindset of the NPD.


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
MtnMama
♀ Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH will relapse into sometype of addictive behavior since he isn't going to meetings. His favorite drug of use is alcohol. It would really be a shame to see him throw 12 years of sobriety/clean time down the drain. I can't do anything about that. I am ready for if it happens.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! I just read most of this thread, and have always thought STBXWH had NPD, but after reading the signs of NPD on page one I KNOW HE IS! I could check off everyone of those for him. The anger over crazy little things; I mean flying off the handle and going nuts over a fly getting in the house or a bird pooping on his car?? Asking me cruely what the hell was wrong with my eyes not 12 hours after he told me he didn't love me and was leaving; cruel. Years of crazy making saying things then denying them; and making me doubt my own sanity a lot! Need of constant ego stroking and admiration; which I gave up on years ago busy with three kids, and thought he was a douche most of the time. I know whenever we took vacations or went out he had to be the center of attention or win every award, and always talk about how accomplished he was. Whenever something went wrong with his career it was MY fault; I ruined his life yadda yadda... Wow! We're 2 months into this divorce, and I'm finally starting to see the light that my life is going to be so much better without him. It's hard to believe he really was the one who left me now, and it pisses me off because I should have left him years ago, but it is what it is. Now that he has his new "soulmate" (God I feel pity for her if she actually leaves her husband for him!) he can do this shit to some other poor soul. I'm done for life! I'm also terrified that if I ever do find myself attracted to someone in the far away future that I won't see these signs that they hide so well. It's too scary to even think about. So glad I found this thread! Thanks!

[This message edited by Strongmama at 5:30 PM, September 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome StrongMama. Your post made me smile. I remember that light bulb moment when I realized my life was going to be so much better without him... Clarity is a wonderful thing.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the analogies and different ways people explain NPD'S it helps sooooo much to understand how and why they think the way they do.

Thanks Chrysalis123 for that !!!!!


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much Caregiver9000! I'm actually getting stringer everyday. I think I'll just count my blessings that he's gone, and my house has been so drama free for the past two months and me and the kids are happy! Life can seem so hard, but this is going to make me so much stronger and happier on the end. Still working through the pain and betrayal of course, but starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel; especially since I think I scared him off for now and there's been NC for 4 glorious days!!!!!! Yay!

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
ItsRocky
♀ Member
Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD STBX was famous for making this statement:

You know what they say (ha ha ha) You always hurt the one you love! Ha ha ha (he cracks himself up)

I should have listened!


Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so excited for those that finally have that "light bulb" moment where they realise they were not the crazy ones. That normal people who have empathy for their fellow humans, don't act so cruel.

My daughter calls my DDay "Freedom Day".

Be warned though. An NPD will never give up if he thinks he can squeeze a bit more Narcisstic Supply from you. The only way he will leave you alone is if he find an other Supply or he he dies.

It's been 8 months for me. Thank God he moved away to another town. I recently blocked his emails after the latest "poem" he sent me.

"You can't force someone to love you so just stalk them until they give in"

Yep scary stuff.

He sends me a text msg.

"Hi. I sent you an email. No acknowledgment - so I assume you didn't get it".

Only an NPD can be so arrogant.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve, thank you I know that what you said is exactly right. Yes, I do know everything you stated it is just sometimes we are too close to the situation to see it and step back from engaging. I was just so angry that a man who had every freedom but screwing around would have the balls to tell me that he wasn't happy being married. Seriously, does he think that I was happy living with his controlling butt? I was so lonely married to him and so sick of walking on eggshells.

Remember folks that an NPD spouse has to have control so if they are anything like mine they will keep emailing or calling every so often to get supply. Mine has it down to a science of calling or emailing every 5-7 days. Usually I am fine and it doesn't bother me but sometimes he says something that sets my teeth on edge. I have learned that usually it is best to just say "yeah' or umhmm or ok and then need to get off the phone for some reason. I no longer feel the longing when I hear his voice so I guess him lying to everyone did a good thing and made me see how much I want this divorce.

Welcome to all the new posters, sorry you are dealing with an NPD spouse. I hope that we can help you see that you are not crazy, that they make you feel that way and to help navigate through reconciliation or divorce. Just know, there is no cure for NPD, it is lifelong and what you have lived can get worse but it will seldom change.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loving all this information! I was so tempted to send him an email today (2x4 me HARD please!!!) I didn't though. It's like they make us as sick as them for a while, and it's just so crazy to go from talking/fighting everyday for over a decade to nothing if you know what I mean? God,Ihope this is normal for me to want to have some contact too occasionally. I know what the result would be though...him getting power back and bringing me back down. I just want revenge on him so bad; and he thinks I don't know who his new whore is, but I do. I guess I just need to continue having pity on her. Staying strong here!!!! I'll send those emails to my sis instead so she can get a good laugh, and post here.

Oh, and I know that myliving well and moving on and having no contact is the best revenge I'll ever get; sometimes I just forget for a minute or two and then slap myself back! What a sick cycle to break! Excuse the typos typing fast at work!


Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Teddy Bear analogy is spot on - thank you!

"Hi. I sent you an email. No acknowledgment - so I assume you didn't get it".

So typical. When I first checked our company phone records after D-day I could see that he had a pattern of ringing and ringing these OW until they answered, if their phone happened to be engaged the first time. Like not even leaving a couple of minutes in between tries. Like he was desperate to get his "fix". Same when he rang our home number and couldn't get through first time.

Many years ago when my father visited me from England, the day before he went back I took him to lunch (just the two of us), so I could have some quality time with him. I hadn't seen him for six years and didn't know if or when I would ever see him again. My stbxh had asked me to pick up a reel of black cotton on my way back. After a couple of wines at lunch I forgot. "Did you get the black cotton" was the first thing he said when we returned, not "did you have a nice lunch?". I said "shit, sorry no, I'll pop out right now and get it". Well the drama queen exploded. "Nobody ever thinks of my needs!!" etc etc. He sped off up the road in his car, the wheels squealing like he was leaving the scene of a bank raid. My father and I just sat there and looked at each other in absolutely amazement. Then of course I felt guilty for having forgotton the black cotton! I almost completely spoilt our day - ridiculous!

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ This.
Mine would do the same. I noticed this also, after he finally "left" the LTR he was in at the same time we were dating (I found out and he claim to have broken up with her). After I moved in and we were living together for a while I found out about another OW. When trying to find the scoop on her I saw that 2 months after I'd moved in he was calling her (LTR) REPEATEDLY. I don't think she ever responded. She was smart enough to stop all contact and I think to this day hates him (rightfully so). I believe he called her father to get to talk to her and he advised him to stop calling his daughter. Yay dad.
When I spoke to OW that I was actually researching, she said he stopped seeing her after I found out about them (she called me) but that 6 weeks later he started calling her and she started seeing him again, knowing that we were living together (she said she felt I knew and didn't seem to care so why should she. Thanks.). She said during that time he would stalk her, show up at her apartment unannounced, etc. I think he only stopped when she became engaged to another guy.
I know for certain that if/when I leave he will do the stalker thing. He has already befriended my family, giving them business/career advice and I am certain he will continue maintaining those ties only to keep tabs on me. He is "friends" with all of his exes (he gives them advice also). I wish my dad were alive like LTR's - he would have kicked his ass a long time ago for the crap he has done.

[This message edited by imustbeafool at 4:48 PM, September 26th (Monday)]


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ellejay fellow Aussie

Many years ago when my father visited me from England, the day before he went back I took him to lunch (just the two of us), so I could have some quality time with him. I hadn't seen him for six years and didn't know if or when I would ever see him again. My stbxh had asked me to pick up a reel of black cotton on my way back. After a couple of wines at lunch I forgot. "Did you get the black cotton" was the first thing he said when we returned, not "did you have a nice lunch?". I said "shit, sorry no, I'll pop out right now and get it". Well the drama queen exploded. "Nobody ever thinks of my needs!!" etc etc. He sped off up the road in his car, the wheels squealing like he was leaving the scene of a bank raid. My father and I just sat there and looked at each other in absolutely amazement. Then of course I felt guilty for having forgotton the black cotton! I almost completely spoilt our day - ridiculous!


I have a similar story about my XNPDWH.

My mum was dying. I was sleeping at the hospice and coming home once a day for a quick shower and change of clothes then going straight back. The morning before she died Mr Selfish told me "we need ice cream" as I was about to leave to go back to the hospice. My mum died later that day. On the way home I stopped off and bought His Majesty ice cream.

Why? Because I knew I didn't have the strength to not only deal with my grief but to also have to deal with his NPD rage about why I neglected his need for ice cream.

Looking back now I can't believe I did that.

Black cotton and icecream. Who would have thought these items take precedence over "our' needs?


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to see another Aussie on SI!

Sounds like a country song doesn't it "Icecream & Black Cotton", I can hear Tammy Wynette wailing out the chorus! If I ever write a book about NPDs that could be the title.

Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a country song doesn't it "Icecream & Black Cotton", I can hear Tammy Wynette wailing out the chorus! If I ever write a book about NPDs that could be the title.



If NPD's weren't so crazy, cruel and rageful, they'd be funny because they are so ridiculous.

Oh hell lets just laugh at them anyway, the knob heads!

PS I'm from Victoria xxx


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith

He nominated his OW2 for an award recently, in the industry in which they both work. She won!! I was beside myself at the time but now I am laughing. Only he could think that appropriate. Basically she got $3000 and a glass trophy for sleeping with my H (that's what it comes down to). She's gonna need that trophy to bash him over the head when she finally realises what she's got herself into.

I am British (a Londoner my birth) but have been in Australia permanently since 1989. Met my H in Alice Springs 1985.

Well, back to my self-help book "Divorcing for Religious Reasons - He thought he was God and I didn't".

Have a good day/evening everyone, wherever you are. All is not lost.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to catch up on this thread again!
But...wanted to say, it's been 2 weeks of total NC, doesn't sound like much but is HUGE for me as he always had a way of drawing me back in.

I have completely ignored his calls and texts, the last one stating: "I know I have made a huge mistake with you. I am sorry. I miss you"

SAME SHIT, different day. And I LOVE how he lumps 6 years of his NPD crap into "a" huge mistake.

There's a little more to the story but all I have time for now...holding STRONG!!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellejay -

"Divorcing for Religious Reasons - He thought he was God and I didn't"

Love this!


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
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