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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another sad-because-it's-so-crazy story:

Dickhead had been in Brazil for 5 months by the time Christmas rolled around. They had to make him come home because he didn't want to, even though he hadn't seen his kids in 5 months. The minute we came home, he complained about EVERYTHING. All the way home, it was a neverending tirade of complaints and bitching.

When we got home, I had a jar of Louisiana Hot Sauce in the cabinet because Dickhead often railed against the McIlhenny company, who produces Tabasco. But alas, since he was in a contrary mood, he started hollering about there being no Tabasco. So even though I had just gotten in the house, I picked my purse back up and left. He says, "Oh, so where are YOU going?" Our son, without skipping a beat, said, "She's going to get some Tabasco sauce." He was 11 at the time Hadn't seen his father in 5 months, and that was Dickhead the Ho's entree to his kids.

You would think that Dickhead would have looked at it as being,"Well, I only have to be nice 1 week at Christmas, and then I'm back to hanging with prostitutes," but alas, no such animal. It was the one time in 20 years that I didn't cry when he left; I had to hold back from saying good riddance at the airport and I almost didn't go. In addition to hearing about how Brazil and Brazilians were superior to the US and Americans, he also spent $600 on things that he needed to take back with him to Paradise because they don't have them there. He spent it out of the household budget money, not out of the savings account that he had set up in just his name that had tens of thousands of dollars in it. I had, fortunately, bought the kids presents before I went to Brazil (I went for the week before Christmas, and he returned with me).

I'm so, SO glad to be away!

[This message edited by veritas at 3:37 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vertias:

Good lord! I would suggest getting a 10 year supply of Tabasco sauce mailed to him in Brazil. That should keep him away.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellejay:

He partied so much in Brazil they had said they would NEVER send him back! His crew cost the company tons of money for stupid mistakes, since prostitution is legal there, he spent $16000 in 7 months though he had no housing or food bills plus $200 per night overtime bonus (of which the kids and I got none); and for once, he actually whacked out in front of someone other than family to the point where they felt fearful for their lives. In the 7 years since then, he has been sent back once for a period of a couple of weeks.

*so much for paradise*


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So a thread in WS got me thinking.

Something along the lines of "Cheating is never the reason for a M to break-up"
There's a reference to a book noting the pre-existing deceptions in a relationship is what ultimately breaks it, not the cheating itself.

I think this is certainly true in many cases, that there are problems in the M and the cheating is just a symptom. Sure I can buy that.

Maybe the M can be repaired if the pre-existing deception is dissolved. Meaning BOTH parties lay their cards out on the table and commit to their responsibilities as partners, parents etc.

My thought about the N is that they are just incapable of doing that. Removing the facade completely, owning their s--- and playing nice. They are too concerned with the possibility of losing something that they have to hold onto the ruse for self-preservation purposes.

I'm just at the point of being ok with my own s---, laying it all out there, no I don't have NC with my N H, still M, still living together, I do still talk to him as if he could possibly understand the damage his behavior has done although I don't expect him to understand. I've agreed to stick around for a while longer for my kids sake. But he doesn't 'get it'. He won't ever 'get it' no matter how hard I try. It's never about the damage he's done and repentance, it's only about his need at a given time.

He can't wrap his mind around how he has changed me. How I don't believe I have the same love for him anymore, I care, yes, but love him? I don't think so. How who he has been in our 13 yrs together must change or it's over.

He has not allowed me to heal at all, to forgive, to move on. It's like he's waiting for me to do it all by myself and he's losing his patience. He has given me some space and backed off but he expects the fact that he helps around the house to make me love and respect him again and doesn't understand he could do all the laundry for the rest of our lives and it would make no difference. As long as he keeps up the ruse, healing will never happen.

Is it ever possible for an N wake up, understand, and work to repair the damage done? Most of what I read says no. I'm accepting of this at this point, but I have to ask... does anyone know of any good stories? Of a N working on themselves and their relationships? I've seen very few online but do you think that that's a small group of believers just still holding out hope?


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it ever possible for an N wake up, understand, and work to repair the damage done? Most of what I read says no. I'm accepting of this at this point, but I have to ask... does anyone know of any good stories? Of a N working on themselves and their relationships? I've seen very few online but do you think that that's a small group of believers just still holding out hope?

Let's look at what you know of the N in your life.

You know that he's capable of doing the "right" things for a while, then he gets bored or just sloppy and reverts back to his old habits. This is in the worst of times. You know that he's capable of being generous, extravagant, helpful, and charming before he has you hooked and then goes back to being either respectfully indifferent or hostile. This is in the best of times.

What you don't understand is that NPD is not a mood disorder, like, say bi-polar. Bi-polar disorder is actually very treatable with medication and counseling because it is the person's moods and impulses that are in disarray.

A personality disorder, however, is another animal. What a non-disordered person may experience as a behavior (which can be modified) a person with a PD has this hardwired. They don't learn appropriate behavior; they learn what other people think is appropriate so they can get what they want by behaving in such a manner. The best you can hope for in living with someoone with a PD is that you can learn to manipulate their fears and rage to get what you want. They don't have empathy or integrity, and they are not motivated by a conscience. They can learn to adapt, but it's moreso based on, "How bad can I be before the social network I want to live in rejects me and I have to find a new one?" If anything, the pain they feel at causing someone else pain is fueled by *shame*, not empathy. And like any other feelings of shame in someone with a PD, it often leads to anger and retaliation, including against the person that they have hurt. They just want it to stop; they don't give much thought as to how and if they are employing a logical thought process.

That's why your post saddens me. You say that you understand and accept that an NPD will never change, but you're trying to appeal to your husband to do things that he is incapable of doing. It's like trying to install a Droid app on an iPhone -- not going to happen. At best, your NPD won't actively plot against you because you have learned what incites attack mode. Somewhere in the middle, the NPD runs off looking for other sources of supply and you turn a blind eye to his/her activities. Worst case scenario, your negative emotions have become their supply. You can manipulate an NPD, but you cannot change them, and they don't have the hardware to change. What gets them what they want is as close to change as an NPD can be.

Right now, your NPD has a marriage and a wife. He's "happy." This is the life he wants for himself. He doesn't need to be healed, or struggle with emotions, and he's not encumbered by empathy. Honestly, why should he change? and what?

[This message edited by veritas at 3:34 PM, September 29th (Thursday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((toughgirl)))
v just wrote out one of the clearest explanations I've ever read - for WHY they won't and can't change.

Unless one is prepared to be a perpetual doormat, with occasional manipulating to get SOME things your way, it's just better to be away, as completely as possible.

This was hard for me to accept. It IS hard to wrap your mind around - that anyone could actually be "that way".

Plus, not a small part of my own self-esteem was invested in fixing...further contributing to the "keep trying" inertia.

So, baby steps, you know? Bit by bit...NC, reduce drama, react ho-hum with blank stares, anything to reduce episodes, encounters, and exchanges (you'll always come out on the burnt end of the stick anyway).

Hey guys!
We got tools, mascots and songs...I was just down in f&g and found some cards for us:

I dunno, some things just 'feel right', right?
.
.
.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what my own WH has told me about his past relationships (the women have accused him of being emotionally abusive, narcissistic, etc.) you would think he would say, hey something just might be wrong with me and I kinda think he knows this. I just am not sure that is enough to foster change. I think they just believe that there is SOMEONE who will accept their crazy behavior until they have enough of that person.
I remember him telling me that his dad told him (after we began dating seriously) that he just didn't want him to make anymore "good girls" cry. His DAD told him this. And he told ME this. And still I didn't run.
Sometimes I wonder if he was kinda trying to let me know but ho would ever believe that a person who loves you can put you this much torture?


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks veritas.

You have many valid points. I had the ball rolling on D and he knew it 3-4 weeks ago and so he committed to changing his behavior if I would try for a while longer. His behavior has improved, but like you say, I expect once he's comfy again, he'll be back to his status quo. He's being somewhat patient but he will remind me daily of the household chores he has done. I just tell him that will not bring back respect or trust.

I've completely withdrawn from him, he doesn't understand why or how and is waiting for me to want to have sex again, or let's say agree to do it again somewhat patiently. He does get aggrivated but isn't verbally abusing the hell out of me in response for the time being.

I of course don't want to break up our home and share my kids but I've been ready to do what I have to do. But I just wonder if change is possible. My H hasn't been diagnosed by anyone other than me, well my IC agrees on the likelihood of him being NPD, I guess I need to read up, enjoy my peace, even if it's only temporary, and prep myself.

jjct, thx too, that is funny!

[This message edited by toughgirl8 at 3:37 PM, September 29th (Thursday)]


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They don't have empathy or integrity, and they are not motivated by a conscience.

They may not have integrity, but they sure like to look like they do to others.

What goes on behind closed doors is the real story and it's scary.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart: I think it is difficult for "normal" people to understand this concept of no conscience but you are exactly right. They play on the fact that it is so hard to understand someone not having a conscience that they easily fool us into believing that that are sorry or have some kind of integrity.


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veritas... truth.

I appreciate the words and the comparison. It is sad truly that we have such a hard time accepting and understanding the NPD because we are NOTHING like them. We have a hard time even imagining the lack of empathy or feeling. We know how we feel and we want to see it in the eyes of others we care(d) about.

For me, once I saw the "dead eyes" and realized that there was nothing human, nothing at all like me (or any normal emotional being) inside that body, I was able to detach and to grieve. I grieve for the loss of the lifestyle, the hurt my children feel, the financial change, the trauma and the stigma.

I don't miss "him" because that would be like wanting to have a pit viper back inside my home.

We can do this. Together. With the feedback and the support of each other, with the guidance of those who have gone before. We will be okay.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver, I think I was lucky in that by the time he started showing the ugly side, I still had no concrete proof of the infidelity, but I had all of the control of an emotional abuse victim. At that moment, I still thought I could show him that there was no need for the lies.

But then his personality changed, and the ugly started coming out.

At first, I exploded. I finally had proof! and I thought that he seemed sincere. He put up with my rantings and outrageous behavior.

But there was still an underlying current of contempt... and that's when I started recording him. And that's when I found out just how much he lied. And how much he hated and resented me.

And still, I didn't leave.

I endured 4 more years of it. The first episode of physical violence instilled in me a hatred toward him, even as I protected him from the outside world. I became him for a while, happy family on the outside, twisted up at home.

But I was still listening to the tapes, and still confronting him. And every episode where he would lie, and try to manipulate me just deadened my reactions to him.

By the time the last episode of violence came around, it was almost a relief. I had gone from hot to indifferent, to complete dontgiveafuckitis. I was impervious to his rages, the tears, the 3 am texts -- nothing moved me.

I think that was my saving grace. Because the flip side to understanding that the charming side is calculated in a narcissist is understanding that the rage and the sly emotional abuse is calculated as well. They don't abuse out of a lack of control, but because they feel like they have enough control over you that you won't do anything about it. They have no real personality, not even a dual one. They merely call upon whatever behavior they feel will serve them best at the moment. And because they only have a studied approach as to right and wrong and no genuine feeling for it, their confidence causes them to miscalculate.

I think it took me at least a year after being apart from him to detox and unlearn the behaviors I had to take on just to live with him. I think I was cooking potatoes, but only had cream-style corn, and I realized. I don't only have to cook just whole kernel corn with potatoes. The world will not end. The kids will eat it. No one will either scream the house down, or make sly references across the dinner table about my family background or upbringing.

I could be myself, and no one would hate me or make fun of me for it.

I was finally free. And I haven't turned back since then.

[This message edited by veritas at 11:17 PM, September 29th (Thursday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veritas- that is wonderful. I completely understand wanting to be free to be who you are and do what you want even down to the little things without having to live with criticism and subtle verbal abuse.

I want truth in my life. I live it. I am who I am, no apologies and my fam and friends love me for it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't want to change. I want to be caring and empathetic and emotionally open.

I don't want the facade..never did. I dealt with it for 13 yrs, but it's not ok anymore. My lightbulb is burning bright, I'm seeing very clearly. I just now have to pave the way forward using my own personal truth. And those who will support me can come along.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow veritas your story is exactly what I felt was going to happen next in my marriage. My stbx got to the point where he was ready to hit me until I threated to call the cops. He couldn't have that because it would ruin is image. I think that like you stated he miscalculated what I would put up with.

I am so sorry that you had to deal with physical abuse as well as the emotional and verbal abuse. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Isn't it a great feeling to finally have some peace in your home? I love knowing that there is no one to rage at me if I am sick or don't always have the dishes washed or the house vacumned. I can do what I want when I want and the mess I make is mine to clean up not mine and an NPDs. I love the peace and quiet of my home now. I get lonely sometimes but not like the loneliness I felt livng with stbx. I no longer walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off.

I just pray that anyone who is in a relationship with an NPD gets out before the physical abuse begins. Thank you for sharing your story.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be fair, we had only 3 major physical incidents but that was enough. More than enough, in fact; my nose didn't heal properly from going through the sheetrock, him pulling out a sofa cushion from under my head while I was sleeping probably contributed to the disk bulge in my neck, and I still have occasional twinges in my back.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not allowed me to heal at all, to forgive, to move on. It's like he's waiting for me to do it all by myself and he's losing his patience. He has given me some space and backed off but he expects the fact that he helps around the house to make me love and respect him again and doesn't understand he could do all the laundry for the rest of our lives and it would make no difference. As long as he keeps up the ruse, healing will never happen.

I could have written this verbatim though my circumstance very different in that we weren't married nor children together, yet I still had trouble with NC and holding out hope he could change UNTIL my IC gave me "Narcissistic Lovers" and my NPD education began. I FINALLY realized with this malady there IS no hope as veritas so wonderfully explained. N's are not like us, they don't think like us, love like us, act like us, have empathy like us, which was VERY hard for me to wrap my brain around that anyone could be that damaged and not just snap out of it....right.

Even when I was able to get away from him, I still allowed some engagement via phone, texting and some minimal time spent together with he and his kids, which continued to feed his N and prevent ME from healing, so I found out.

I am finally, truly, NC though it's been 3 weeks, it's the CLEAREST MOST PEACEFUL 3 weeks I've had in 6 years. "I" have truly seen the light in realizing "he" never will, and I've surrended to that fact and it's ok. It is all around painful to have spent so much time on a lost cause but I KNOW I will be ok, and safe, and sound now and the education around it all has been priceless. If only I knew then, what I know now...but better late than never.


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to the potatoes and corn story

I have to constantly remind myself this is my house and my life and I can do whatever I want without the fear gripping my stomach every day. I can spend as long as I want on the phone, I can have no food in fridge for 24 hours without having to rush off to the supermarket before work, the cats can snuggle with me on the sofa ....

PS

There is a young gay guy at work whom I get along with really well. He is super smart and charming and we have great conversations. I consider him my best work buddy.

But twice now he has mentioned he thinks he's a psychopath/NPD. In the past I would have said "oh no I'm sure you're not" then invited him over for dinner.

But I believe him. I've learned to see the red flags. Most days I give this guy a lift in my car. But on the days he doesn't need a lift he'll leave work without even saying goodbye to me .I've learned to recognise this as an NPD trait. He himself wonders if he actually feels empathy. At the same time he's an incredibly observant judge of character. NPD radar to suss out the best N Supply?

I've decided to keep my friendship with my gay friend but draw the line to keeping it within the context of work. We all know how charming, smart, funny and generous an NPD can be.

They are out there. In our families, our friends, work colleagues circles...

I wonder how prevalent NPD is?

[This message edited by Faith2011 at 9:31 PM, September 30th (Friday)]


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because the flip side to understanding that the charming side is calculated in a narcissist is understanding that the rage and the sly emotional abuse is calculated as well. They don't abuse out of a lack of control, but because they feel like they have enough control over you that you won't do anything about it. They have no real personality, not even a dual one. They merely call upon whatever behavior they feel will serve them best at the moment. And because they only have a studied approach as to right and wrong and no genuine feeling for it, their confidence causes them to miscalculate.

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!!!

veritas, again, thank you for truth. If there are any newbies or lurkers reading this thread, pay attention to ^^^ that statement. There is no "real person." There is no charming loving spouse. There is no "hidden" persona. It isn't that we failed to see them for who they really are. There is NO REAL PERSON inside the N. Every action is calculated for the return or due to laziness, or need or effect. They are not cruel in the sense that that is who they are. The cruelty is a by product of the lack of empathy. It is as much a decision (to be cruel) as the kindness is a decision to garner your affection, attention or public approval.

Because every choice they make is self serving, many of the choices feel "off" in a way that I cannot even name.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was re-reading the letter my stbxh sent me a couple of days after D-Day. It stated that what he had done would always be his greatest shame. There was nothing in it about what effect this might actually have on his kids or me. It was about his "shame". I am seeing that statement very differently now that I have read so much more about NPD. I also believe that one of the reasons that he just went to Plan B so quickly was that he realised that his current supply was now gone i.e. ME. The same reason he dumped OW1 immediately once the A was out in the open because she could no longer provide him with that supply. He was NEVER going to leave me for her despite having told her that. It was all a game to get her under his control. Now he is with OW2, an absolute slut that really knows zilch about him except that he yearns for a threesome etc etc. Yet she is everything at the moment because she is able to tell him everything he needs to hear. She (being very needy herself obviously) is able to prop him up where no-one else will. Once she is no longer useful to him, she'll be dumped by the wayside as well, I have no doubt about that.

What is starting to scare me though, is the realisation that NPD people/men in particular have always taken centre stage in my life. I seem to attract them. So what does that say about me? I remember my first serious boyfriend, he was 6 years older than me and on first appearances came across as a very sensitive, softly spoken, gentle guy. However as time went on I realised that there was something seriously wrong. I thought it was with me of course because I'd never heard of NPD at that stage. He would race through the door after work saying "where is my darling girl", then shower me with compliments, loving gestures etc so of course I would be in seventh heaven. Then we would make mad passionate love with me thinking I was living in a dream. The next morning, I would get out of bed and put the kettle on, gazing into space as if in a trance such was the love I felt for this man. Then he would get up and completely ignore me all morning. I would say "is there anything wrong?". I'd just get the silent treatment. By the end of the day I would be beside myself wondering what the hell I had done. I would go to give him a hug and he would stand there stiff as a board as if I had leprosy, yet only a few hours before I had been the light of his life. Now I realise that he was probably NPD. Once again, never violent or outwardly aggressive but boy did all that screw with my head. For years I thought there must be something wrong with ME.

Similar stories follow with other relationships, either the men I chose were totally needy and needed me to mother them or they were totally up themselves.

I need some serious talking to people!!

This is what makes me afraid to branch out into another relationship. I cannot be trusted it seems to recognise the red flags. Time for another counselling session I think!


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is starting to scare me though, is the realisation that NPD people/men in particular have always taken centre stage in my life. I seem to attract them. So what does that say about me
Me too. Last 3 guys in my life were NPD/APD. I have set up a pattern. I am in therapy now working on that though, and will let you know if I figure out what the draw is.

For me, I think some of it is the intensity, the risk-taking, the excitement. I am not good with boredom, and normal. Not sure why, but these guys are a bit of a challenge for me, and that seems to be something I am drawn towards, as well as trying to figure them out. It is just interesting, but it is interesting at the cost of hurting my heart.

I am trying to figure out how to get my needs met without my heart getting hurt.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

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