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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FT favors the oldest child because she puts up with his mistreatment of her. Younger child does not put up with it and of course he tells her she is just like her mother and devalues and discards her on a regular basis.

FT allows older to mistreat and bully younger. When older is with me she expects preferential golden child treatment and expects to bully/terrorize younger. I will not allow it.

Older, (16 and 6ft tall) then attacks my character, disrespects me , uses vulgar language, and is just awful.

Yesterday, I had had enough. Older will not be in my presence and treat me or my other child like that. I drove child back to FT.

Now, I feel horrible and at peace. I don't know what to do to help. I fear for younger's emotional safety and the mindfuck both of them are being subjected to by FT.

I cannot live in a war zone.

What would you do?


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the reasons we find NPD's so attractive in the beginning is because they can be.....well....fun. When they set their sights on a target for "supply" they really turn on the charm. They want to know everything about you. They are intrigued and amazed with everything about you. And WOW!! You have so much in common!

We're in this relationship as if it's a REAL relationship with REAL feelings and everything.

The NPD? Not so much. The things
that you seem to have in common? Usually just an act. This why they
can leave marriages and relationships so easily seemingly
without so much as a thought and without missing a beat. Because
they don't have any emotional
investment. They are in it for what
they can get. When "that" is no
longer available or gone, the NPD
moves on.


[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:10 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are intrigued and amazed with everything about you. And WOW!! You have so much in common!
Wow, yeah. He noticed everything about me including what color hair tie I wore when I wore ponytails. And he did keep saying we were alike in so many ways. There were so many "we" statements.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were so many "we" statements.

This is nothing more than another manipulation at our emotions and trust. Using "we" is an attempt to "bond" and to appeal to our nature of wanting to be "one" with someone.

Once they hook you in ... any attempt to pull away is met with "Oh but "we" are so good together.." or "Oh but "we" are/were/used to be sooooo happy! What happened to "us"? What went wrong? "We" were meant for each other?"

I mean what girl wouldn't fall for crap like this? I know my heart would have melted at just hearing someone say things like this...or at least it used to.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
Bobcap29
♂ Member
Member # 33137
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared to Death!

My NPD stbxWW will be returning to court this week to have a final pretrial on Wednesday and then jury selection and trial on Thursday. Those who have read my story know she attacked me when I confronted her about her affair. I have the last part of the attack on VAR and she was yelling for our 13yo DD to come help with her "crazy" father. A smack is clearly audible, but who knows if that can be used. The police that arrived will be at the trial and they stated that her story makes no sense at all. Marks from the daylong attack are seen on my neck and face. She was charged with Domestic Violence/Assault. The prosecutor offered a plea to Menacing that she turned down.

Since I have been away from her the past month I realize how abusive she has been and for the first time I have been with her, I can see and think clearly. However, even with the evidence and the police testimony, I am deathly afraid she will somehow lie her way out of this. I don't plan on letting the DV/A charges to be dropped again. I feel the prosecutor and myself gave her a lifeline before, but that has gone away. I want to protect my kids, but I fear that she will be back int the house this weekend through her manipulation and lies.

Everyone on this thread has said to not poke the bear. I feel like I am hitting it with a 2X4 and sound an air horn in its ear.

Please someone tell me it will be OK.


Me: BS 37
HER : STBXW 33
DS 11, DD 13

Posts: 119 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobcap, it will be ok.

By "don't poke the bear," we mean don't engage. When you have a bear, all you can do is call the park ranger.

You don't poke it, or throw rocks at it. You don't try to reason with it. That's a mistake that we've all made, several times. It doesn't work.

But this? Your ex is violent, and she is being prosecuted. She brought this on herself, and the state has a good enough case that they feel they can win. The evidence is overwhelming and you have several witnesses on your side.

Good luck!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we are not supposed to engage with the NPD but yesterday I sent him a letter that really outlined all the pain and betrayal that I felt and how I felt I gave so much to our marriage and he threw it all away for a cheap whore.

He called me telling me that I just keep trying to hurt him. He didn't see it as me trying to show him my pain, it is always about his pain. He is always telling me how much this has hurt him and that he has said he is sorry over and over. I asked him why is he telling everyone that he is happier being single and told him that when he said to me that he was never happy being married it hurt me. I asked how could he not have been happy, he did whatever the hell he wanted and screwed who he wanted. I told him to give me his reasons for not being happy. The funny thing was, he went completely silent...crickets...so I filled in the blank for him and told him that it was because I became sick and he can't stand sick people. again crickets. Then he has the f'n gall to say to me "because we fight all the time'. I was floored and screamed at him that we have had maybe 8 fights in 12 years so that bs isn't gonna fly.

He went silent again and I just hung up. But all day yesterday and today I have been crying. He destroyed our marriage with his constant cheating and now he lies about why he wasn't happy being married to me? There were so many times that I kept my mouth shut to avoid fights and so many times that I walked on eggshells in order not to piss him off and he lies to me about us fighting? WTF, what marriage was he in cause it wasn't the one I was in. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and trusted him more than anyone in my life and he just keeps lying. I am devastated that he can still hurt me so much. I thought I was over this but I am crying even as I type this. I know that once I got ill I was no longer good supply for him and he found the skank he calls his BFF.

I know I am grieving the loss of the marriage and also the loss of the man that he pretended to be. But I am so pissed off that I did so much to please him that I lost myself in the process and it was all a lie. God how I hate him for how he used me. I wished I could say that at least the sex was good but I rarely was treated to that because he was too busy cheating. I do not normally wish anyone harm but lord I pray that the Karma bus nails his ass soon.

I have gone NC again and he just keeps calling and texting me. It pisses me off because when I was sick he didn't care about me but now he pretends to want to know all about my illnesses. I refuse to pretend to care so he can tell everyone that he is there for me while I am ill. RatBastard!!!!

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 12:01 PM, October 3rd (Monday)]


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone on this thread has said to not poke the bear. I feel like I am hitting it with a 2X4 and sound an air horn in its ear.

It feels like that sometimes, doesn't it?? We have to be sooooo careful around them, tippy-toe to not wake the bear! But, in your situation I think you need to blow an air horn in her ear!! What does your L think is going to happen??

I know that if my STBX ever really stepped out of line, I'd sue him so fast his head would spin.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Bobcap29
♂ Member
Member # 33137
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does your L think is going to happen??

He thinks she is in a pretty big mess. However, he is not directly involved with the case, just my D. I am a witness for the state at this point and the prosecutor is handling the trial. The prosecutor is technically suppose to protect the victim of crimes so hopefully he does just that and more.

Just nervous I guess. I know how she has manipulated our friends and even her work. She is suppose to be on leave if she has been charged with a violent crime. But she is working everyday. She she must have bullsh$tted them into believing the charges are false and she would be back anyways.

I just hope that people that have no idea who she is and do not have anything invested in her lies, can see right through her. But if OJ didn't get caught.......


Me: BS 37
HER : STBXW 33
DS 11, DD 13

Posts: 119 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to have faith that everyone will see through her poor me drama and see that you were the ones with the marks. I hope they let the VAR into evidence so you have proof that she played all this crap up to make it look like you were the abusive one.

Be thankful you did call the police as it is on record. I made the mistake of not doing that and now will probably not get an RO against my abusive stbx.

I will say a prayer for you that she gets convicted and you get an RO.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobcap,

I too was battered and bruised, kicked, and clawed by STBXW. Throw in cut with a knife and stabbed and you get the picture. To this day I wish I had called the police. I just figured she would say I attacked HER and they would believe it. NPDs are very convincing when they want to be. I hope this works out in your favor. Let us know how it goes.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed you can write all the letters, emails and books you want... your NPD will never, EVER, EVER get it. Ever. The end. Do not past GO, do not collect $200.

It's like that awesome shiny, silver spoon (you). It's beautiful and expensive. It's functional and fits right in to the soup eater's (NPD) life so perfectly. When the the soup eater (NPD) first gets his awesome, shiny, silver spoon he will take very good care of it. He will wash it. He will put it in the most perfect spoon holder spot. He will take it out and show everyone how pretty and shiny his silver spoon (you) is. He will fan and fawn and preen and salivate all over his pretty new spoon. He'll polish it and make it all new and shiny.

But then that awesome beautiful, shiny, pretty silver spoon of his gets boring. It's just not as pretty as it used to be and ..MAN it takes some WORK to keep it like that!!!!! He'll start letting it sit in it's pretty holder. He won't take it out a lot anymore. he won't use it ....

Because he's found something ELSE that's OH so pretty and shiny and awesome and Oh wow this is great!!!! And then that silver piece just sits there and collects dust and gets even more tarnished waiting for the soup eater to come pay it attention.

NPD's do NOT see you as a PERSON. Only as an object. That is all. They see you like a pretty, shiny, silver spoon. Once they get bored... in the drawer you go.But oh no they can't let you go because your their "property".

Like a little kid with a toy "MINE MINE MINE!!!!" They are stuck in that perpetual child phase forever. They have no regard for you or anyone else. Because to them, everything and everyone is an object.

So stop trying to make him see your side. He won't. Ever. Period. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. You can brain him with a shovel and dump every piece and bit of emotion and info you want into that hole .... but it's just going to sit there and they will NEVER absorb that into their being.

Because they can't. Ever. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

Just walk away.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is moving so fast, I'm having a hard time keeping up with you all!

Chrysalis:
I hope that the situation with your oldest child has settled down. It sure sounds like you have reached the intersection of NPD-bullshit-fallout and teenage-bullshit.

A few months after the Assclown and I separated, my son was really acting out and was being defiant and destructive. His therapist told me to sit him down and explain the rules of the house and how I expected him to be respectful of my rules and my home if he was to continue to live here. And if he continued to rage and be violent, that I would call the police. Sadly, I did eventually have to do that, and DS(then 14) was taken away in handcuffs for psychiatric evaluation.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it did stop the insanity of fists in doors and utter disrespect.

We do have an obligation to provide a safe, peaceful home for our other children. And we certainly deserve respect for ourselves and our property.

Wishing you peace.

Bobcap:

Best wishes and mojo for a favorable court outcome for you. Stay tough. You're doing the right thing. One of my biggest regrets through all the NPD battles was not pursuing DV or harassment charges against the Assclown.

There has been some excellent advice posted here recently. But the most succinct is this one:

Just walk away.

Or run. Seriously. You can't fix them. Ever.

(((Tribe))) I wish the best for you all.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Llanden makes very good points, and that is exactly how my last NPD was. I was able to feed his ego in a big way for quite a while, but when he needed another ego boost, he substituted his cousin for me. He preferred to go hang with his cousin over his woman, because his cousin would say things like "Wow, XSO, I need to be more like you." "I wish I could be like XSO, he is always there for me". He got to rush in, save the day for his cousin, get his ego filled up, then he would call me for a little more ego boost later once his cuz went back to his gf.... My gf called him Captain Save-a-Ho. He was out helping every damsel in distress or every guy that had a problem in order to feed his insatiable ego.

And since his ego deflated as quickly as it was inflated, he was always looking for that next ego-boost.

We have no choice but to get away from these people, because they suck the life and soul right out of you to try to fill their empty insides.....

soverybetrayed, he will never see nor understand your pain. You are not real to him. And you are not allowed to have feelings. You are there to serve him and take care of his needs, when you can no longer do that, he does not need you anymore and will find fresh prey. He cannot answer your questions because he has no answers.

Happiness as a married couple is a foreign concept. He is happy when his ego is being fed. He is unhappy when his ego is not being fed. That is pretty much it. And he will say whatever pops in his head to justify his actions. It doesn't even need to be remotely true, although a lot of times they take the tiniest grain of truth and run with it. And he does not want to share you with anyone else.

Mine doesn't want the responsibility that comes with me. He wants the ego-stroking and the fun. He is not interested in being here for me. He can't do that. But, even though he knows he can't give me what I need, he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. They don't share their toys very well. Remember, we are dealing with people that are emotionally stunted......


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you guys/ladys are right and I don't know why I had a weak moment and sent him that letter. I know it was stupid and useless and I know that No Contact = No new hurts but I was stupid. I think it hurts so much that he is lying to everyone about me. And then he turns around and lies to me. I just want to smack him and remind him that I too was in the marriage.

He tried to call me again tonight and I just let it go to voicemail. I thought sure he would hurry to divorce me but he hasn't done anything yet as far as I know. The farce that he cares about my health is one of the things that really gets me angry. For months he left me alone and partied with his friends and his new ho while I was so sick and now he wants to know every diagnosis I have and what meds I am on.

The shiny spoon analogy really is fitting because for the first few years he did take me out and showed me off to friends. We went dancing, movies and picnics. Then when we bought our house everything stopped and all he wanted to do was get drunk with the neighbors. I was no longer the shiny new spoon, I was tossed aside as he "played" to the new audience.

Thank you for helping me to see that all I am doing is causing myself to be set back into the pain stage when I had actually advanced to the lets just divorce stage. I think one of my problems is that I have no one to talk to as our insurance won't pay for IC and another is that I have gotten 4 diagnosis and he is who I usually talk to about them. I need someone to talk to in order to deal with everything that is stressing me out right now. I have to write it out that NC=No New Hurts and put it all over my house. You folks are wonderful.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobcat,
I dealt with a violent NPD too. I lost count of how many times I had to go to criminal court because of all the crazy shit he did. The bottom line, treat her like you would any other criminal. Don't talk to her, don't communicate with her. Only go through your attorney or other third party.

If you haven't already, file for divorce and custody of the kids.

File for a protection order. Request permanent possession of the maritalhome.

Hopefully they will convict her. Try not to worry too much about her being able to get off by lying. She may seem like a great liar to you, but believe me. It isnt so easy to convince jurys and judges. I had the same fears when it came to my
smooth talking pathological lying XNPDH. They saw right through him. Inthe end, I actually felt rather foolish
for even worrying. That's how ridiculous he came across.

Soverybetrayed,
It's always about them, isn't it? No matter what the conversation they always seem to turn it around and somehow make it about them. It's so maddening!!

I went through the same thing. I gave my XNPD all the freedom in the world, let things go, walked on eggshells to avoid fights, etc. And in my case I didn't get sick but I was laid off my job so the money got tight and he needed to pick up the slack. Well, he wasn't going to hear of that!!

You can try until you are blue in the face to explain to him how you feel about what he has done to you, and he will NEVER, ever get it. Not in a million years.

This is the nature of the beast. The lack of empathy. They CANNOT feel or understand another person's feelings or pain. Especially when they are the one who has inflicted that pain. Bizzare huh?

But then they go off into self preservation mode and destroy you further by demonizing you to anyone who will listen. Why? So he can be the victim. So he can receive sympathy.

NPD's are one sick bunch.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:20 PM, October 3rd (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can try until you are blue in the face to explain to him how you feel about what he has done to you, and he will NEVER, ever get it. Not in a million years.

Some of my biggest a-ha moments came post-divorce when I quit talking, and just listened.

Him telling my uncle that he probably had molested me when I was a child and had ulterior motives in supporting me in the divorce? People make mistakes.

Him picking me up by my feet and spanking me? Well, you were acting like a child and it seemed entirely reasonable to spank you like a child.

And then when he said he had never loved me or been in love with me in the 20 years we had been together, but wanted the chance to learn how to love me? Priceless.

The point is that even if you give the NPD a chance to speak, they don't have a real clue as to what normal behavior or human emotions feel like. So what you'll end up getting will be as warped as what they've learned. They can mimic, but they don't feel. Their actions are purely manipulative. You and I find it exhausting to walk on eggshells and constantly second-guess someone else's behavior, but to an NPD, this is what passes for a reaction, or a response.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you guys/ladys are right and I don't know why I had a weak moment and sent him that letter. I know it was stupid and useless and I know that No Contact = No new hurts but I was stupid. I think it hurts so much that he is lying to everyone about me. And then he turns around and lies to me. I just want to smack him and remind him that I too was in the marriage.
He tried to call me again tonight and I just let it go to voicemail. I thought sure he would hurry to divorce me but he hasn't done anything yet as far as I know. The farce that he cares about my health is one of the things that really gets me angry. For months he left me alone and partied with his friends and his new ho while I was so sick and now he wants to know every diagnosis I have and what meds I am on.

The shiny spoon analogy really is fitting because for the first few years he did take me out and showed me off to friends. We went dancing, movies and picnics. Then when we bought our house everything stopped and all he wanted to do was get drunk with the neighbors. I was no longer the shiny new spoon, I was tossed aside as he "played" to the new audience.

Thank you for helping me to see that all I am doing is causing myself to be set back into the pain stage when I had actually advanced to the lets just divorce stage. I think one of my problems is that I have no one to talk to as our insurance won't pay for IC and another is that I have gotten 4 diagnosis and he is who I usually talk to about them. I need someone to talk to in order to deal with everything that is stressing me out right now. I have to write it out that NC=No New Hurts and put it all over my house. You folks are wonderful.

SVB, don't beat yourself up. You are sick and probably scared, and you are now alone because the one person you thought would always be there for you has turned out to be incapable of being there for anyone.

You are probably going to be pissed for a long time. You poured your heart and soul into a marriage and you've discovered you were married to a puppet. A mean, selfish, uncaring puppet. Sometimes it probably still seems unreal. And of course, there's that part of you, of all of us, that wants it NOT to be real. That wants them to care, to be capable of caring, and to care about US. If we can just make them see how much they've hurt us, things will change. At least I'll get some remorse from him. Well, they'll never get it. They did what they did, we should just forgive them and move on. They don't need to follow our rules.

I'm sure you were told many times how much smarter than everyone else out there your H is. How he's head and shoulders above all the other morons walking the streets. How he knows how to handle things, unlike the rest of the idiots, and since YOU didn't handle his cheating the right way, you're one of those morons.

I know I heard that over and over. Yes, he's SO much better.

If you want to send a letter, post it here. If you want someone to talk to, come here. Going to your H is like expecting your cat to give a shit. As long as the food keeps coming and you keep giving it attention, the cat will 'love' you. Stop doing that, even for a second, and you'll see how much the cat really loves you.

Cats are NPD. I've just realized that :)


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB,
You're not stupid. You're hurt and you're confused. You're desperately seeking answers for this horrible pain you are suffering. But believe me. There are no answers. It wouldn't matter if you could put him under a white hot light, hooked up to a lie detector, you still wouldn't get the truth.

I KNOW how hard this is to grasp. I too was in your shoes so desperate for answers for WHY he had done what he did. And more importantly why did he continue to twist the knife?

But again, there are no answers.

I want you to be careful from here on. Please, please stop communicating with him. NO MATTER what he says, no matter how sorry he seems, no matter how sympathetic to your situation, DO NOT give him any information about you or your condition.

NPD's can be so incredibly cruel at our most vulnerable times. The fact that he is interested in your medication alarms me. This may be another angle he decides to take in "why" he "had to cheat" or "had to leave".

The other thing I would advise you to do would be to file for divorce ASAP. You need to beat him to the court house. If you don't, you're going to be dealing with, "I HAD to divorce her because _______"

Don't tell him (or anyone else) you're doing it, just do it and then change phone numbers, change the locks. If there is a risk or history of violence get a protection order to keep him away from the home. Request temporary possession of the home until the divorce is final and remain SILENT.

I know this sounds drastic. But these NPD's are NOTORIOUS for dragging out the divorce process for YEARS. They play the system like a symphony and then blame their victim for holding things up. (she wants me back so she won't allow the divorce to go through) It is so important to strike FIRST and STRIKE hard.

As far as the other people he is talking to, let it go for now. There is little if anything you can do about it. Unfortunately you will lose some friends. This is how I dealt with it. The "friends" I lost, were never really friends anyway, so good riddance. But most people will see the cracks in his story. You are home sick and he's out parading around his OW? and you're not even divorced? Most people with any decency about them will see him for the pig he is.

For you, the LESS you say the better. People who say things to you just say, "Yes, I'm aware of his behavior. it's very unfortunate."

Take the high road. In the end you'll you so glad you did.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for being so kind to me. I am normally so strong since I left him but I think that getting the new dx has just left me emotionally and physically drained. I have been doing so good about not talking to him and had stopped the crying and now I am bawling all the time.

I know I am not stupid, it was just a stupid thing to do. I am proud of myself in that for the first time in years I stood up to him and called him on his lies. I am not going to let him try to twist things on me. He even tried to tell me that he never said he wasn't happy being married. I am not crazy and I know what I heard. I called him on it and actually cursed at him for the very first time. And you know what? IT FELT GOOD! Another way of taking ME back.

I know he is a black sucking hole of nothing and I can't make him care about me. It does freak me out that he is now trying to pretend that he is concerned for my health. I refuse to discuss it with him anymore.

sadtoo, I haven't said anything to anyone, not even on this board but I have done a few of the things that you mentioned. Any day now he should be in for one hell of a surprise. I am the one who moved out of our home as I couldn't afford it and because all the neighbors have taken his side against me. I live on my own and have family very close to me plus the landlady knows he isn't allowed on property due to his violence against me. I don't have a PO yet but should soon. I am being cryptic I know but I worry that he will find me on here and know what I am up to. Suffice to say that I understand and have taken my measures.

To all those who have reached out to me, Thank YOu from the bottom of my heart. You mean so much to me because not matter how down I feel reading your words makes me less stressed and upset. Today is a really bad day for me and to come here and read the wonderful posts by all of you helps me so much. Again, Thank you all so very much.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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