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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((wb2)))))

Oh, honey.....

Of course he's ramped up the asshattery. He senses weakness (emotion of any kind) like a shark senses blood in the water.

I would ignore and chalk it up to same old same old. It is $45 and the fight for it would not be worth the headache. I would keep the email and put it in a file of "things that piss me off" and could be used in a contempt case at a later date.

They pull this kind of crap to justify why they don't want to do what they are supposed to do and SHOULD do.

Getting at you?? That's just bonus points for the asshat.

I am so sorry wb. We are here for you. I am keeping you in my heart and prayers.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5289 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does it state he needs to pay for in your divorce papers?

If it was me, I would fax him every receipt I had to him and tell him to add these expenses to the medical bills. But I have not learnt yet how to play their games and win.

Good luck with this child you are dealing with and I am sorry for your mom going through her illness.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wounded))) I'm so sorry to hear about your mom....

And yes, what caregiver said about how they can tell we are at our most vulnerable. It is so funny how when they know they are on the losing end, they cry and plead for our sympathy and to please forgive them and help them out, but when we are vulnerable, they are happy to drive the stake thru our hearts. My dd's father has done that enough that I know I will never cut him any slack ever again for anything, including when he is lying on his deathbed.

Mine does the same moneywise also. He quit his job to avoid child support. He won't pay school supplies or any of the necessities for her, but he did buy her an $80 pair of gym shoes that she didn't need (she did, however, need a scientific calculator for school, but he isn't into school, he is only into her looking pretty so he can show off his perfect little dd).

He is $2K behind in child support, but he gave her $150 for her b-day, while we are on food stamps and scraping to find the money for folders, binders, field trips, etc.

I've learned to ignore him on this stuff as much as possible. He will NEVER get it, and the more he knows it annoys me, the more satisfaction he gets, so I just pretend it is no big deal and dont' even mention it anymore. I do, however, keep a very detailed journal so if I ever go back to court I can prove whatever it is I need to prove.

I wish mine were dead also. I totally sympathize with your thoughts there!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14900 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded,
I'm so sorry about your mom.

As for as ass clown goes, forget it. He is only going to do what is written out in the decree EXACTLY and nothing more. Any receipt you give him is going to be subject to his scrutiny and criticism. Who needs it?

I would let it go and chalk it up to the cost of peace of mind.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleaning out the storage room today and what do I come across?; A Lowes bag with caulk tubes and the new guts of a toilet that he was supposed to fix.

I will be finding bags of stuff like this until we move out of this house and I will never be able to look at another one of his caulk guns/tubes without thinking of the first posting on this thread.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time, no check in. Hello to all.

Wounded, I am so sorry about your mom. Sending hugs your way.

Wontdefineme, LMAO! Ah, the friggin caulk gun issue. Mine too, and it made me smile to see another qualify under this criteria. It is epidemic!

I had an epiphany just the other day dealing with NPD alcoholic SA XWS. I have to see him 14 hours/wk for supervised visits with DD5, which has put sludge in my healing process, so each little victory is momentous.

As many of you know, conversations with this type are exhausting- the circular reasoning, the sheer volume of words to say absolutely nothing definite, the general feeling of "huh?" when you hang up the phone...you guys know what I am saying, yes?

Anyway, after asshat came late to yet another visit with DD5, he starts rambling excuses and apologies. This is usually my codependent cue (ie, bait) to become his mother, question his decisions, his love for his daughter, explain to him how he could have handled it differently, etc. You know....the attempt to insert rational thought and adult responsibility into the sitch. Pure stupidity on my part, I know.

Instead, this time I responded with two words: Uh-huh and OK.

God, you should have seen him twist. The man was digging the bottom of the barrel tripping over his own tongue to explain himself! Each uh-huh brought more from the man who usually shares nothing without it being wrangled out of him.

Uh-huh and OK are now my favorite two words. Bliss used to be my favorite, but that's ok- these two words brought me to bliss yesterday.

Perhaps I am just a bitch, but there is some joy in watching an NPD twist.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will remember those two responses, will need them I'm sure.

I've read so much since being sent to this forum. It is easier to stop contact when you have the information to understand that they will never understand so stop beating a dead horse.


I now understand why he dropped by by, because I wasn't calling, I wasn't texting, I wasn't needing him. I also know why he gives a little and runs away, because I continue to not need him but still hold him accountable. So much makes sense and allows me to understand. My weakness is understanding.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, you should have seen him twist. The man was digging the bottom of the barrel tripping over his own tongue to explain himself! Each uh-huh brought more from the man who usually shares nothing without it being wrangled out of him.

I friggin' LOVE it!!!!

But now prepare yourself for the other famous NPD characteristic:

The Blank Dumb Stare

If you haven't seen it already, it's a combination of "I don't know what to do or say now" and "How dare you!" and "OMG it's not working anymore, keep your cool"


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Shutup  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he starts rambling excuses and apologies. This is usually my codependent cue (ie, bait) to become his mother, question his decisions, his love for his daughter, explain to him how he could have handled it differently, etc. You know....the attempt to insert rational thought and adult responsibility into the sitch. Pure stupidity on my part, I know.

Instead, this time I responded with two words: Uh-huh and OK.
God, you should have seen him twist. The man was digging the bottom of the barrel tripping over his own tongue to explain himself! Each uh-huh brought more from the man who usually shares nothing without it being wrangled out of him.

OMG!! This is such a lightbulb moment! I swear I think I’m an idiot sometimes. Codependency does that to me. All I have to do is be quiet and SAWH gets nervous and upset and bugs me. So now I have a new coping method, or um…weapon. For getting my own. LOL Yes, I’m evil.

But now prepare yourself for the other famous NPD characteristic:

The Blank Dumb Stare

If you haven't seen it already, it's a combination of "I don't know what to do or say now" and "How dare you!" and "OMG it's not working anymore, keep your cool"

Blank dumb stare is something I don’t think I’ve seen. Sulking. Pouting. Withdrawing. I think “blank dumb stare” is an expression that comes and goes very quickly.
On to the actual reason I’m posting. SAWH caught me snooping through his work bag Thursday morning (I thought he was asleep). It pisses me off that I felt bad for getting caught, but he doesn't give a $h!T about f-ing around on me and emotionally abusing me. My reaction to him, as he was yelling and blaming etc etc was laughter. I honestly and truly laughed. Every time he opened his mouth I laughed at him. I mean, he's slutting around on the internet and hiding and sneaking and he expects me to be honest and honorable and faithful and true?! Really? Things are pretty much back to 'normal' now, I guess. He did hint that he's staying because he doesn't want to pay support, but we'll see about that. LOL At this point I'm ok. I didn't and won't apologize. I didn't lie or gaslight him, he asked me was I snooping and I said "yes because I know you're hiding stuff from me." I wasn't able to turn the attack from me to him, but he had no idea how to react to my laughter. I want so much to be in a place to leave and not look back.

I’m trying not to beat myself up about how I did or didn’t react to him. I truly thought he was asleep. He had IC later that morning and we’ve both worked the entire weekend so it was pretty easy for him to avoid me. He did do the cold shoulder routine, which made me happy ‘cuz then I didn’t have him in my face the whole weekend. I expect that somehow he’ll try to ‘get back’ at me, but at this point there’s no sense worrying about him.

Can someone give me pointers for dealing with him when he catches me by surprise? I’m not always quick with a comeback, and my default is to tell the truth, which in this case isn’t necessarily a safe behavior. I'm trying not to drown myself in coulda woulda shouldas.

*sigh* I want so so much to leave all of this behind me. A tiny quiet apartment. To count my pennies and listen to my son sing to me in peace. It's just going to take so long for me to get there..

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I see we have some new memebers..Welcome but so very sorry you are here but you will find some great people here struggling to get loose from their NPD.

It appears that since my NPD was served with papers he is being a goood boy and not calling or texting. Not sure what worries me more, when he does call or when he doesn't. I am posting here to avoid reaching out to him.

Just had my yearly eye exam and once again the eyes are getting worse. But I also had the field vision test for the upcoming court session in case I have to prove I am disabled. That part just sucked and I am in a deep funk. My field of vision is almost gone. She said I have tunnel vision and can no longer drive. I do not want to be dependent on anyone to drive me anywhere. I hate this, i have always been independent. Now I can't move away from my daughter as I need her to drive me everywhere. I think if I get one more crappy dx I am going to find a tall building and jump the f off.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svb, cmon now! I needz ya! Just leave elevators and stairs alone for awhile, you'll get thru this, promise!

uh huh and ok...me likes!

GIVE THEM NOTHING!

the blank stare...
For me it included a descent into hell, where the invited beasts lay...maybe that's why I so assiduously avoided laughing in the face of her fuckery. Uh and ok are so much more preferable. After all, playing dumb's not so hard to do. For me.
(((w2)))
(((TRIBE)))


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now understand why he dropped by by, because I wasn't calling, I wasn't texting, I wasn't needing him. I also know why he gives a little and runs away, because I continue to not need him but still hold him accountable.
Oooh, can you explain this one for me? I have dealt with this, and have a hard time truly understanding it.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14900 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words.

I'm going to do as advised and just document all of the Assclown's fuckery for now.

I made myself an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow morning. Time for wb2 to go back on the happy pills. I'm glad I'm able to recognize when things are too much to handle on my own, but I sure hate the idea of going back on ADs....sigh.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7623 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naiveagain

I read stuff detailing how they ignore you until they realize that you don't need them, then they give you just enough to spark hope and then cut you off again. I began reading how to break free from a narcissist this weekend, lots of different websites. Anyway, when you finally realise that this was never personal, that they were just bloodsucking soul vampires and we were just the victims in a hit and run, its easier to understand. And what I needed was understanding to be able to move on knowing if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. I'm hoping the bitch becomes his next victim.


So now I have text him and told him to contact his lawyer and get this ball rolling. Tried calling, I think I can actually talk to him and tell him to hurry, I want out. I am so looking forward to my future knowing life can only be so much more than the crappy happiness that he gave me.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STO,

The blank stare comes when you back them into the corner and they do not have a programmed response that they can pull out of their bag.....Nothing to emulate, nothing to tell them how they are suppose to feel, nothing to tell them what a sincere feeling/reaction is suppose to look like. So they just go blank and stare. It is almost comical when you see it and recognize it.

For me the one that sticks out the most is when I set her up....First question:

1. Were you a better wife than I was a husband?

Answer: Yes, I think I was. You were horrible to me. (after dday)

2. Were there things you could have done better in the marriage?

Answer: Yes, I am sure there were things I could have done differently.

3. What could you have done better in the marriage?

Answer: Crickets.....Blank Stare.

I have done question #3 5 times now and still have not gotten an answer.

You see answer to question #2 set her up. She could not say "No, I was perfect" because that would make her look foolish and egotistical, dillusional. So she had to semi agree that she could have been a better wife.

But to answer question #3 would mean she would have to specifically admit to a fault....NPDs have NO faults....The dilema??? No safe answer for an NPD....Blank stare....Crickets!!!

I never break the silence because it confuses them and their mind is churning trying to find a way to squirm out of the situation....Now that shit is funny.....

Any time they do not have a library of responses to pull from, i.e. something on TV or something they have seen someone else go through, something that they have seen somewhere that tells them what the proper reaction or response SHOULD be.....they freeze and go int the "Blank Stare" because they have no feelings or emotions of their own.... They are an empty shell of programmed responses. When you see them showing any emotions other than anger.....they are acting. And they are Oscar worthy performances because they have been working at it all their lives.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wontdefineme,

Good for you. You have done the homework. I told you it would be easier to detach once you learned all about NPD. You are learning fast!!! Congrats on making the first BIG step. It is a rollercoaster of wishes and doubts for a while but stay with the plan. Damn girl you ROCK!!!

The good life is ahead... the healing will really take off for you now. Very happy for you.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now understand why he dropped by by, because I wasn't calling, I wasn't texting, I wasn't needing him. I also know why he gives a little and runs away, because I continue to not need him but still hold him accountable.

Oooh, can you explain this one for me? I have dealt with this, and have a hard time truly understanding it.....

Because everything, and I mean everything has to be on the NPD's terms. He's going to call the shots in the marriage AND in the divorce. You will not divorce him. He will divorce you. And if you do divorce him, the divorce will still be on his terms.

Exhausting, isn't it?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,

Just a little note on the blank stare. I am very familiar with it, and sometimes get something slightly more scary than the blank stare....it is the neverending stare, explained below.

Can't remember where this originated, but wanted to share:

Intense eye contact
Typically, when people talk to each other, they look each other in the eyes and then briefly look away. Sociopathic con artists often exhibit a "predatory stare"—unblinking, fixated and emotionless. It's not a sign of empathy—it's an effort to assert control.

It is hard to know if XWS is a sociopath as he is so active in his addictions, it is impossible to get a clear diagnosis. However, he has mentioned he leans this way.

But if you have ever gotten the intense eye contact, you probably have shivers going down your spine about now.

I really don't post this to be inflammatory, just informative. I'm no doc.

Peace to all tonight! Or at least as much peace as possible with an NPD in your life.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
DOH!  Posted: 1:21 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How Much Fun No Contact With an Npd Can Be...

Last weekend, Dickhead wanted to switch weekends because he wanted to set up a camping trip.

"Dad goes camping?!"

"If his friends do, but don't worry; your brother has a GPS phone."

So this weekend on Friday I ask where he's going camping.

"We're going canoeing, Saturday only."

He sends me pics from a putt-putt golf, go-kart spot.

Sunday he brings the kids home and notices my blown-out tire. He never had anything to do with my car while we were married, puts the donut on it, and leaves.

Today I get a message from him: you're welcome!

I have motor club privileges, and I figure my thank-yous are saved up. His dating experiences must not be going well.

He got a Thanks! Because it's the end of the month.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because everything, and I mean everything has to be on the NPD's terms. He's going to call the shots in the marriage AND in the divorce. You will not divorce him. He will divorce you. And if you do divorce him, the divorce will still be on his terms.

That explains a lot. He decided what he wanted from the house, he decided how to divide the assets, custody etc. and when I objected, he rolled his eyes and took it anyway. I was so exhausted from his antics, I was ready to do almost anything to be done.


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

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