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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that didn't work, he would get into my space or right in my face and no matter how hard I tried, he would be right there. he wouldn't touch me. I would be pushing him away from me, but he would continually stay within inches of my face with his face.
Mine would do that also.

My psychoX would start trembling, his face would turn red, his veins in his neck and forehead would pulse out, and his eyes would get dead cold. Then he would scream at the top of his lungs, loud enough you could hear him outside with the doors and windows closed, down by the street, which was a decent amount of distance away.

He would scream right in my face, my ear if we were driving (leaving my ear ringing for the rest of the day), and pointing his nasty finger right in my face.

I learned there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop or slow his anger. The first time I saw it, I just calmly said "what do you think you are doing?" I had never seen a grown up have a temper tantrum before.

Also, mine started at first directing his anger at other things. It took him a little while to start directing it at me.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, unfortunately it does escalate. In the end, mine did become physically abusisive too.

I remember mine screaming in the car too. It was like the metal around the car would be ringing he would scream so loud. I remember one time, he was in such a rage, he threw me out of the vehicle at an intersection in the middle of the night with no purse, no cell phone and no money.

When I finally got to a pay phone and called someone for a ride, I got home to find he had shut all the lights off and locked me out of the house.

Who does this sort of thing?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lolitalola
♀ Member
Member # 31099
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I've been reading the thread and learnt much from the wisdom on it.

One thing that I wanted to ask - my WH just will not communicate in any way, shape or form as he takes it as a slight to him. As long as i act like all is well, he's quite happy and nice but if I have a problem he reacts either by - mirroring it back on me - HE has that problem about me, or walking away, or excusing so that it's not a problem. Sometimes he'll just say okay to agree and then never do anything about it. This is NPD trait?

How the hell do I tackle it, it's just killing me. I am trying the 180 but eventually I have to tell him if I need to talk about something bothering me. Ironically, there is never any meaningful communication with him - no problems, no nothing, no intimacy at all. It's only since the A that I am realising this. It's a lightbulb moment. Is this familiar as well?

Also, if I never mentioned anything about work or my own life, he'd never think to ask me. And all I hear about is his work stuff and other trivial things...

The thing that is most upsetting, in the past if I was upset he would comfort me. Now if I cry when he is twisting stuff he will actually walk away and not come near me, or say I have that 'sulking' face on again, or say I'm always sad and bringing him down. He just seems completely unmoved by my distress, it's like he is so scornful or it just annoys him. He actually rolls his eyes or sighs and says 'not again'. Truthfully, he never shows any kind of emotion like this.

[This message edited by lolitalola at 6:06 AM, October 29th (Saturday)]


BW - 37 me
WH - 34 him
Children - 6.5 and 20 months
HB baby due Jan
WH moved out 26/1
D-day - 3/2/11
Second D-day 3/3/11~~~!!
D-day three - 14/3/11
D-day 4 - 13/4/11 - had an email account with her address in it but nothing was sent.
In R...

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to think of my stbx as damaged rather than broken. Broken sounds like it can be fixed, damaged sounds like it is broken beyond repair.

Damaged allows me to move forward knowing the games he plays, whether it be the crumbs he gives me, or the total silence, are like that of a spoilt child.

And at all times, tantrums should be ignored.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Simply Sad
♀ Member
Member # 18065
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I have been reading all of your threads for 2 1/2 hours now. I never looked at this thread before even though I know my husband has NPD. His sister told me he was diagnosed with it when he went for drug and alcohol treatment. She told me this about 6 years ago when she saw how poorly he treated me all weekend at their family's Thanksgiving by ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment.

He has all the classic symptoms and wooed me off my feet at first. I thought he was my soulmate. That didn't last long. His favorite thing to do is to use the silent treatment on me after I ask him a question. And I mean any kind of question, even innocent ones. I have been going to IC for years and am a bit stronger but still am taken back when he does that.

I am financially dependent on him due to a muscle disease-nice guy wouldn't go to any of my doctor appointments or to the Mayo Clinic with me-so am stuck for awhile.

After the affair, we went to MC for a year, and he tried doing little things. After a year, everything stopped. All affection, no sex for 2 years and counting, and withdrawing to his computer and to reading books like crazy.
I still struggle with trying to understand why he is still here and hasn't divorced me. I would not be surprised if he were cheating on me now. He leads the secretive life-I feel like I know nothing about him after 7 1/2 years. When we first met, he did everything with me and took me on all kinds of trips. Now we do nothing together-and I mean nothing. We even took trips to different places this summer-not with each other. Talk about dysfunctional.

He never showed true remorse for the affair nor tried to reconcile in my opinion. Needless to say, my love for him is getting less and less. As my eyes are opened more and more I see him more clearly. He is unable to show any empathy and gets mad if tears are shown.

I feel stuck here but am trying to build a life with new friends and activities, so I am not with him all the time. I have also been squirreling money away for awhile now.

The reason I looked here is that yesterday I asked him if our lives will ever intersect again. He said yes. When I asked when, he turned to me with the must disgusted, hateful look ever. Just glared at me. And that was it. He didn't talk to me the rest of the day. Seriously? Hateful over that question? Guess it hit home. I was upset for a bit but then got angry, and I didn't talk to him either. And that is a change for me, because I usually stew about it all day and try to coax him into talking. This morning it is back to the usual as if nothing is wrong.

I am glad I found all of you and have copied down some quotes and books you mentioned. The quote that cracked me up was : If you laugh I know it ain't funny. How true that one is unfortunately.

Thanks for listening! Any suggestions you have for dealing with the silent treatment or living with NPD is appreciated!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Feb 2008
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing when he doesn't want to be accountable or want to speak to me, he ignores all my attempts to contact him. Last time told me to leave him alone.

So today 2 calls, 3 emails, and now 2 more attempted calls, I am enjoying leaving him alone.

"I feel good, na na na na na, knew that I would now, na na na na na, I feel good........." picture me smiling, dancing and singing


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh man do I remember the silent treatment. At first is was only a day that I was being punished, then it went to two days and when that didn't bother me enought it went to a full week. Man, that was the best week of my life. No whiney bitchy little NPD to complain at me. or make me feel bad for being sick.

I actually got to a point where even if he wasn't doing the silent treatment I didn't take to him. I let him do his thing which was being an alcoholic cheater and I watched my "chick" shows and read books and got really close to my grandbaby. It was two years of this crap before I discovered the affairs years ago and once I did it was over. He tried to show he was remoseful but it only worked for two months then he found a new whore to play with.

They hate to be ignored to just look at them with a blank look on your face and say "what"? they also hate to not have all your attention. soon you will enjoy the peace and quiet of the silent treatent.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They hate to be ignored to just look at them with a blank look on your face and say "what"? they also hate to not have all your attention. soon you will enjoy the peace and quiet of the silent treatent.
Absolutely. My ex, if I did not look at him adoring enough, would accuse me of being "curt" to him. You not only have to say the right thing with them, but you have to look at them the right way and smile the right way and be all approving of everything they do.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Told me he waits to answer me because of the name calling. Well he is a liar and cheat, not name calling just the truth he hates. Told me we could just pay someone to do the talking. I'm okay with that, I've got my lawyer paid for, he doesn't and he will run out before I do. It will also annoy him that he has lost total control and I don't care. Like I read here, let the lawyers do the talking. Like that!

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let the nastiness begin. He couldn't stand being ignored for 1 day, so he cut off my cell phone.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that is most upsetting, in the past if I was upset he would comfort me. Now if I cry when he is twisting stuff he will actually walk away and not come near me

SS
Whatever charming and seemingly attentive thing they did in the past was only a ploy to groom you for continual supply...well-placed kibbles to lure the pretty out.

A ploy. Planned and carried out. Once they've 'secured' the supply-source, the effort to maintain the facade of prince(ss) charming becomes wearying, and the mask begins to slip.
How it's different from abusers 'grooming' victims, I don't know.
Plus there's the eventual 'ping-pong' effect, at least at first, before the disorder is fully apparent to you - where you go back to them AFTER an abusive episode...let's see...how many times was it? I forgot.

Told me he waits to answer me because of the name calling.

This is a made up lie. A false accusation. See

Well he is a liar and cheat, not name calling just the truth he hates

I'm going to tell you this is the reason to move toward NC with these ones.
Any attempt, no matter how reasoned, thoughtful, or calm to get to the adultery, to talk about anything CLOSE to it - was met by a storm of rain; hysterical crying, thunder; screaming, and lightning; weird behavior like trying to open the passenger door while driving 70mph in the passing lane.
iow, behaviors designed to SILENCE ME.

Guess what? She's got my silence for good.


Posts: 6025 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS
He couldn't stand being ignored for 1 day

What is the Narcissist's greatest fear?

<<<<all together now!>>>

Abandonment.

(if you said "loss of supply", it's ok...you're still on the TRIBEsquad haha)

NC. It's a beautiful thing.


Posts: 6025 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shut my phone off again, I am unable to log in like before and he is now lying to his attorney saying I am keeping his winter clothing from him. I gave it to him months ago. And I am keeping his son from him. Old enough to know better and legally old enough to JUST SAY NO. He called and left "almost" threatening message on phone but caught himself. The fun has just begun. I have however learnt how to NC NC NC. That is why he is now in attack mode. Maybe his friend/friends will now see the nasty I did, now that I wont respond and he can't stand it. NEXT! Hopefully it's HER!

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is not quite the same as the "silent treatment" but Stretch used to "take a long time to answer" any question. During an early counseling session he pulled this stunt and for the first time EVER someone waited for him to respond. My reaction had always been to provide a multiple choice selection or even better- the right answer as a "prompt." During counseling the MC said to not do that. To "make him do the work" and to "be patient." I had to stop "rescuing" him with answers. At the time this was used to define how I was taking an "adult" role and "forcing" Stretch into the "child" role.

For years, this dynamic played out with an accusation that I didn't wait for him to "process."

Now I would like to point out that "processing" took upwards of ten minutes for a simple question. MC said "the longest he'd ever seen." Of course, Stretch processed himself right into forgetting the question...

I do not believe that Stretch was processing. I believe this was a learned behavior. If he waited, I would give him the answers. Since appropriate responses were hard for him to generate, this was a perfect relationship. My anger or frustration with having to provide all the emotional content of the relationship was a good trade for Stretch.

I also believe (especially at the MC) that the waiting game was a show of power. No one could MAKE him answer until he was good and ready. The wait was entirely to long to be explained away by PROCESSING. It was far more likely a "fuck you" cleverly delivered with a mask of confusion and considering.

I don't miss the silent treatment in any fashion whatsoever. Silent treatment: what you get if the topic is not the NPD.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain; hysterical crying, thunder; screaming, and lightning; weird behavior like trying to open the passenger door while driving 70mph in the passing lane.

jjct, hence my name!

And I wholeheartedly agree that the greatest fear is abandonment.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is domestic abuse.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been watching NPD H throw temper tantrums all week. He managed to throw one in front of his grand-child this Sunday when we were away from home saying "good-bye" to my mom who just had a massive stroke. Poor baby didn't think he was getting enough attention. Seriously?
When we returned home the tantrums continued ... I'm such a bad wife, evil person, he's been unhappy for 12 years, I ruin every day of his life ... you all know the script.
I'm sooo tired of his twisting everything that happens into something that he needs to be in the center of. Believe it or not, though he has not spoken to my mother in two years (not even when she was diagnosed with stomach cancer, had her stomach removed and "recovered") ... he found the need to spend more time at her bedside than me. When I tried to visit her last to give her a kiss on the forehead ... he HAD to sneak back in to be the last one to have contact with her. How sick is that?
I know, I know ... I need to get away FAST. I am saving $$ and will be able to make escape hopefully before the holidays ...
I just needed to vent somewhere where people believe my "twilight zone" stories!


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
Simply Sad
♀ Member
Member # 18065
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lolitalola

I could have written your post. Your husband sounds a lot like mine does. He will never ask me about my day or my job. I am having problems at work, and I decided not to even tell him. He wouldn't listen, he wouldn't care, and he certainly wouldn't comfort me. In fact, I try not to tell him too much about anything lately. It seems like he is always trying to get information from me. I just figure if he doesn't want to find out everything about me then I'm not going to tell him much at all.

We don't have discussions. If we do, he gives me the I hate you look filled with disgust and then treats me to the silent treatment. Or he blows up with nastiness until I leave the room and then goes right back to what he was doing. And I don't cry around him anymore. I was informed that I cried too loudly and was bothering him. Can you imagine? But I did stop crying in front of him, because I think he enjoys knowing he hurt me. I asked my counselor once if I would ever be able to have a discussion with him, and she said not if I wanted to stay married...and that's about the truest thing ever said.

Here's something that happened in March that shows his true NPD. I came down with influenza and was sick with a high fever for over a week. I told him I was going to go to the doctor, and he told me it wouldn't do any good. You have to understand that he is a doctor himself. So when I told him I was going to the urgent care suddenly he wanted to drive me. The doctor said I had influenza, and of course my husband didn't agree! Then it turned into pneumonia. I was very sick as I have asthma also. The doctor gave me an antibiotic. And here's the funny part-my husband developed a slight cough and had the exact same symptoms as I did (well, that's what he said). So without seeing a doctor himself, he had his physician's assistant call in an antibiotic prescription for himself. And of course his antibiotic was the exact same antibiotic and was twice the strength of mine! i couldn't believe it! He drives me crazy always copying symptoms-if I have a headache, well he has a headache. You get the idea. So once again, I try not to say anything when I don't feel well. Does anyone else have similar things happen?

lolitalola-
Sorry I don't have any solutions for you but wanted you to know that you are not alone with your feelings and frustration. Hang in there!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Feb 2008
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the latest on my NPD xh-

He has finally gotten OW here to the USA from the Philippines 2 yrs after D-day and 1 yr since D. (see my profile for details).

DS met her while spending time with XWH a few weeks ago, but he was not aware until XWH told him after picking him up. Since then, DS told me that he has asked his dad NOT to have her around when they have parenting time. (I'm so proud of DS for setting boundaries )

DD is another story
XWH did not tell her that OW arrived and is living with him. In fact, when the topic of OW came up a year ago, xwh told DS and DD that OW may not even come to the US, so DD was ok with that but she made it clear that she would not accept OW into her life if she were to come

DD now knows that OW and xwh are living together in another state and she has cut off ALL contact with XWH. He continues to text and call her, but she would not respond.

Last night, she showed me his latest text and her first response to him:

Him: "gud nyt babygirl, i did nothing wrong, u can be mad if you want to, u can be influenced by yur mom if u want or have yur own opinion..either way, im happy, i hope yur happy too!!! I will always love u

DD's response: "No, u didn't even bother to tell me about her arrival OR that she was staying with u. Mom has nothing to do with it. goodnight."

XWH: "It isn't about (OW) now, is it? U knew she was coming over. I knew this was going to be yur reaction NO MATTER WHAT!!! U didn't surprise me. Especially when yur mother me about what she said. There was no way I was going to have a good outcome so I didn't bother. Ur reaction was predictable based on yur past."

DD: "Thanks. Great to know you think so little of me. And no, you said it was a possibility she was coming. never certain. And again, thanks.

XWH: "Well she is here
to stay. U can b mad if u choice to b. How long will that last? I am happy. I wish that happiness comes to u someday. I apologize for not telling u. U already told me yur feeling about (OW) and my relationship. I can only wish that someday u will realize what really matters in life. Time will help u sort all this out. Remember...it isn't what is said but what is done!!! Actions speak louder than words!!! Remember that!!!

My DD chose to end the texting at that point. She told me that she doesn't want to talk about it but I know that xwh's behavior is weighing heavily on her and I feel so hurt for her

XWH has no clue what he has done to his children!!!

I can accept his NPD and move on and heal, but DS and DD are left with a father who is toxic, selfish, and has set them up for disappointment

Is this man NPD or am I just angry and bitter ???


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it comes you, you are not angry and bitter but accept he is npd and that is that. When the manipulation and stuff happens to your children and you cannot protect them, then you are allowed to be angry, really angry, momma bear angry.

Just make sure your kids know that it isn't their fault. One day when they can understand he is a n and they understand the behavior, they too will be able to shrug it off.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ur reaction was predictable based on yur past

Oh Brother, if I had a penny for every time I heard how predictable everyone was. Oh, he new I wouldn't be able to handle his cheating. He knew I'd be too weak to deal with it. He predicts what everyone does all the time because he's so smart.

I always respond with "Why didnt' you predict your affair would cause a meltdown of historic measures?" to which I'm told he expected my juvenille retorts.

God, they're pathetic.

And predictable.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
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