I guess any excuse is a good one to start venting and telling me what a terrible person and wife I am.
Thank you for the reminder!
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
I am sorry guess but I have to get this off my chest. Some of you know that I was really ill for the first 5 months of 2011 and that stbx deserted me for 12-15 hours to go drinking with "the guys" or would sit outside and drink with hs whore till 2 or 3 every weekend. My being sick really pissed him off and he told me he was tired of being my nurse. Now I had been in the hospital for a week and he came every day for 30 minutes but bitched about the traffic he would face going home so I said not to bother comming up. I asked him to come in the am to meet my doc. He never did, instead he asked his friends if he should still visit me. I was so hurt that he had to ask. Well in April 2011 he told me that since he didn't know anyone with migraines as severe as mine that I was faking them cause I didn't want to work. I have worked all my life. Then one night he told me that "at least if it was cancer I could believe it was real". I cried for hours after he said that to me.
When I began to feel a bit better I moved out. I began logging my symptoms and my PCP discovered that I have Chronic Epstein Barr Virus, Fibromyalgia, and Lupus. She sent me to a derm due to some growths on my face that I thought was a pimple that wouldn't heal. Well, the derm did 3 biopsy's and discovered that they were cancerous. I had a mole cut off two weeks ago and it came back malignent so I am facing some surgery or chemo. Yesterday I had two more moles cut off and the derm is very, very concerned that it is melenoma.
The reason I gave the back story is for this. I had some things that were not mine and called my stbx (I know it was stupid)to let him know that I had them and that I would return them. We were talking ok but he kept telling me that he waswn't home and I could hear a tv in the background and a woman's voice. This is the second time this has happened, I think he already has a girlfriend. But what made me cry is that he said he wasn't trying to be an asshole(it does come naturaly), he is just trying to get through all this and still have something left after the divorce! I started crying and told him "oh my god, you are worried about your money and I am worried if I am going to die, I have CANCER and am scared to death I may die and all you care about is how much money you will have after the divorce that YOU wanted?" I told him it was my stupidity for believing that he would actually love me enough or even care enough to call me and see if there was anything he could do for me. My stupidity for thinking he could actually be the husband that he had once pretended to be instead he is worried about his money.
My god, what kind of human being says something like that? He knows that I have cancer and that one of them is malignent and he actually told me he was worried about his money. I have treated strangers with more kindness than he is treating me. I told him that I remembered him once saying that if someone does him wrong he cuts them out of his life completely and that is what he has done to me. I told him that I am ill, can hardly walk, have to use a cane, have CANCER and am scared that I may die and all it means to him is how much money will I take from him.
Even now I as I type this I am bawling my eyes out because I never ever believed a human being could be so heartless. I don't want him back but it would have been nice to have him offer to go to the derm with me and hold my hand while they sliced off pieces of my body. God, how I hate this man, I spent 12 years of my life changing my personality to fit what and who he wanted me to be and when I need him the most he runs out on me. And this is a man that is disabled due to a drunk driver hitting him and almost killing him. I loved him when he believed that no woman would want him due to his physical disabilities. I am so glad that I left him and would never go back to him but god it hurts that his money is more important than me fighting for my life. Maybe he is actually hoping that the cancer does kill me so he won't lose his ALMIGHTY MONEY!!
Thanks for letting me vent this here as you guys are the only ones who will understand the devastation that the NPD does to our soul. I was doing so good and wanted to be nice and give him back some property that would make the split 50/50. I am so done being nice, I am playing hardball now.
He doesn't want a simple answer. He WANTS TO MAKE ME INSANE. He WANTS the 10 messages back and forth about this stupid piece of paper. He WANTS me angry and irritated and defensive. He WANTS to steal my serenity.
it would have been nice to have him offer to go to the derm with me and hold my hand while they sliced off pieces of my body.
If he had gone with you, he would have done something to make the appointment all about him. Been ready to "faint", asked stupid question in the interest of "caring" for you (so that the derm spends more time talking to him than to you) or something like that. Better he didn't go at all.
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
It has gotten even weirder than yesterday. He called today and my grandbaby answered. I told her I didn't want to talk to him but she told him I was upstairs. She is so angry at him she just said good bye without telling him she missed or loved him. She knows he cheated on me (no I never told her, she saw it).
I decided to text him and find out why he called. I was hoping it would be that he wanted to come to an agreement about the Spousal Support so we don't have to go to a judge. Here is how it went:
Me; You called Why?
Him: wanted to talk
Him: Can I call?
Me: After yesterday we have nothing to say, I can't take your kind of hurt anymore.
Him: ok, well I wanted to talk but if you don't want too ok. I'm in x town doing a job
Me: What is there to say at this point? That you hope I die soon?
Him: I do not! Why would u say that? What am I?
Me. Think about yesterdays convo and it will come back to you.
Him: I would rather talk. I never said anything about wanting you to die. I asked about your treatments and how they are going
Me: NO, you asked if they were done getting those THINGS off my face yet. YOU'RE only concerned about your MONEY while I care about saving my LIFE>
HIM: I am not, I said nothing about money (LIE). You want money? Take it, Heck I have been giving it to you (another lie)
Me: we have nothing left to say to each other. You wanted a divorce so you are getting one. Please do not contact me again.
Him: WOW, OK
I decided to take him up on his word that if I wanted money that I could have it so I said that we could do mediation on the Spousal
Support and everything else to avoid having to go before a judge and spend more money. I told him that it was up to him.
We shall see how he plays this one as I am giving him the opportunity to save money. So far all I hear are crickets but he is working so I should get a call or text tomorrow if he plans to respond at all.
Him: WOW, OK
Boy have I ever heard that statement! Those words too. With the inflection that you're massively overreacting and that you're making things up on top of it. Of course, HE is not at all giving any reason for you to be upset... Yeah.. all those smilies fit. Not that I'd reacte that way when he was around because as a previous poster said, even pointing out things he's doing wrong gives him ammo for him to use against you. If he knows your buttons to push, he'll push them at will just to get a reaction from you.
I have given him the opportunity to choose to go to mediation and that will be the last time I talk to him. If he says no, he will get "you have my lawyer's number call him" for everythig. He isn't going to volunteer to go to my appointments, he will say I tried to be there for you and his usual "all you ever do is bring up the past". Well, damn silly me! That old past that was never dealt with just springs up out of nowhere and bites me in the ass everytime. Maybe if we oh, I don't know, talked about it I wouldn't have to bring up the past.j
So let me bring up the future, you are gonna be humiliated in court when the judge sees how much you make and how much I make and that your offer to give me $150 a month but fail to do so month after month. And if you did give me that money it would still leave me broke and unable to buy food. Let's predict the next part of the future...you will be humilated when I show the judge the emails and pictures you sent your online whores and the ones that you posted on the web hoping to find guys to be with. Oh, and my other proof, well lets just say that a picture proves a thousand "oh fuck what have I dones".
Now which would you rahter talk about my f'dup stbx? Yes folks today I found the "traveling BITCH pants" and am wearing em proudly. I wished I could wear the stilletos that go with them but due to my condition I keep falling down even in flats.
Man that felt good to get all that out!!
Sorry tried to post pics of jeans and shoes but can't.
[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 10:12 AM, November 7th (Monday)]
You remind me of this little pic I've seen around facebook concerning "Bitchology", I love it and I think it applies to some of us here..
"Being a bitch means...
I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
I stand up for those I love, I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my way,
I won't compromise what's in my heart,
I live my life MY way,
I won't allow anyone to step on me,
I refuse to tolerate injustice,
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be me,
So try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame,
Squash every ounce of beauty I hold within,
You won't succeed,
And if that makes me a Bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and I'm proud to be a Bitch!"
These sad monsters would make WW3 out of a dust mote for supply-kibbles.
In honor of the wonderful ladies (((TRIBE)))
It is really difficult to understand how someone can be so cold and uncaring inside, but they just don't have the same type of feelings we do. I am still trying to get this thru my head, but I know when my youngest dd (8 at the time) came down with a 104 fever and I had to take her to the hospital, my WS found an excuse not to go with me, and it was so lame.
He sat in his easy chair on his a$$ watching TV while I bundled my baby up on Christmas Eve and drove her to the emergency room. I should have shoved his worthless a$$ out the door that night, what the hell was I thinking?
his usual "all you ever do is bring up the past".
How about, "That's in the past, I can't change the past." Yeah, but you CAN change the future and by not dealing with the past, by not acknowledging the past, you are doomed to repeat the past and THAT is what I have the problem with. I have a problem with your inability to recognize even that you did wrong. Because if you can't do that, you can't change and without change, there's no chance for improvement.
That phrase came up in counseling (yeah, we're going to joint counseling. I have to. But it's ending up to be a good thing because I'm feeling very validated.) and the counselor agreed that he can't change the past. I don't think though that the counselor realized that that phrase is (to NPDH) a code phrase to erase/eliminate any consequences to his actions and without consequences, he sees no need to improve his behavior.
Are we ever going to get past this?
When are you going to let this go?
You're never going to get over this.
13 days after DDay, mine told me that at least he made an effort to move past it and I was the one that refused to make an effort.
13 days. NPDs are all the same. So pathetic.
Well, mine kept saying he had his EA to mess with her, that he didn't like her and it was all a game. That's about the only thing I believe that he's said.
"It's in the past, we're moving forward now." could be used to refer to ANYTHING in the "past" be it 5 seconds ago or 5 years ago or 5 decades ago (we never dealt with that but you get the point). It's a way to push whatever it is that you want to deal with under the rug so that it's never dealt with and there are never consequences. Anything that was "in the past" that I wanted to actually deal with was seen as me holding a grudge. Yeah... 5 minutes (true, dat!) was seen as holding a grudge and he even said that he didn't think I'd ever get over it.
My soon to be x f-i-l is the meanest, nastiest person I have ever been around. When I first met him, 35 years ago he was meerly icky and mean to his wife. This did concern me but my not yet then husband was so upset by his father's actions, he actually cried over it. "I don't know why he has to treat her that way!" I stupidly assumed this meant he would not become Mr. Nasty Jr. Wrong.
Over the years, as my STBX hit the age milestones he was every bit the jerk his father had been at that age (and then some). The story of 33 years of marriage to the now full blown NPD reads like all the postings above. No need to repeat. He filed, refused to move out, caused intense craziness levels never before encountered etc etc. Now following the NPD divorce playbook, he has filed a demand for a divorce jury trial. It will cost an unbelievable amount of money- could go 6 figures in an attempt to keep from me getting equitable portion. ( He has offered less than half)
Ever since he filed my oldest has been noticably peculiar. I have been in crisis mode - it lasted the first 12 months. Son is 30, a medical professional and gay. I was so scrambled in the initial months I relied alot on his advice. I took too much to heart (he acted out, said odd things like I deserved what I got, repeated ugly remarks supposed from his siblings - generally caused extra drama). I saw old middle & high school patterns emerging, thought maybe it was just his way of dealing. I was told a gay man will seek his father's approval every day of his life. I thought that was all there was to it.
Basically I knew that I was staying in a less than desirable marriage in order to keep my kids. I knew STBX would fight to the death for their hearts and minds. He has lived up to that expectation. In the first month after he filed, I was getting very strange reactions from my 3 young adult kids. Talked to IC, gave her permission to talk to the kids. Turns out my son told her some lies/extreme exaggerations and using medical jargon convinced my IC that I was probably bi-polar. This was not surprising as STBX told the kids I was crazy and unstable throughout their lives.
I asked son to come to IC appt. with me in early January. I wanted her help to break the cycle pattern that seemed to have re-emerged from his adolescence. She saw how he would raise his voice when he was passionate and how I would retreat in reaction. Later she described him as a "stuck thinker".
It took about nine months of weekly therapy but IC decided that I was dealing with the effects of this messed up long term relationship and family but that I was not bi-polar or any other permanent disorder! In the last few weeks, I have described some of son's angry outbursts and continued ugly comments. She thought I handled them very well and I didn't cower.
Yesterday, she said she thinks I am fine and handling things well but that I am dealing with a son who is disordered. High functioning (like his dad - professionally very successful). I am stunned!
How did this never occur to me? yes, I have angrily accused him of carrying his father's water. But I never thought the problem was his efforts to control me.
I have healed a lot, I am escaping a terrible marriage. But now I have going to have to learn to live with a NPD son? And I am doomed to be his supply? Years ago I learned how to avoid my f-i-l, I coped and dealt (in unhealthy ways) with increasily NPD husband. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here! How do I face a future with a treasure? I will be in therapy forever! I will see things that really are not there! And I feel doomed to repeat co-dependent habits.
I feel your pain and frustrations. I too am saddled with an NPD daughter. I can divorce the stbxw but I can not completely cut my daughter out of my life. I am learning to limit contact. She is the mother of 3 of my grandkids and I fear I am losing them as well. She too "carried her mother's water" and the family is now divided. My F-I-L too is a mean and nasty shit stiring cranky old man who is further dividing the family by disowning any of the kids that have anything to do with me. This has destroyed the relationships of generations of this family and the stbxw is oblivious to the devestation.
In the end....they are alll responsible for their own choices. I know that I will demand to be treated the way I deserve to be treated. I will try to remain a part of their lives to the point that is comfortable for ME. I will not take any more abuse from any of them. Nor will I be manipulated by them.
If a fucked up relationship is all they can muster then that is their loss. I am a good and generous man....I know this. I have adapted myself over the past years to accomodate and cope with their fuckeupedness. No longer!!!! I am finding my way back to the core person that I am, was, and can be.
Rocky, WE CAN NOT FIX THEM!!!! Just work on being the good core person you used to be. It takes time to dump our coping habits. But we can no longer be their doormats and suffer consequences for their fuckedupedness. It is time to let them suffer their own consequences even if they are delivered by us. It is the only way to set our world right again.
Be good to YOURSELF!!!!
Status: S & D'ing
Please do not beat yourself up over their past. We married for the right reasons and the goodness in us allowed us to become the givers.....not the weakness in us. We are not weak....only kind and caring. Our strength in now being called upon. We have not called upon it in the past because we did not need to.....but it has always been there. They mistook our kindness for weakness.....big mistake on their part. They saw us as easy prey....another big mistake on their part. They believed we could not live without them.....another big mistake on their part.
We are Correcting OUR mistakes....they are not. Their life will be a repeat pattern of what they have had in the past. They have fixed NOTHING that is broken in them.....WE have, and are, and will continue, to become better persons.....They are condemned to being fucked up for eternity.
Do not feel sad for what you have wasted in the past.....feel sad for them for the future they are wasting. Rejoice in your new life of NPD free happiness. Feel sadness for what lies ahead for them. Feel sadness for their miserable existance.
I choose not to hate or have anger towards them. If I feel anger or hatred, I am the only one that feels bad.....it does not affect them at all. I am tired of feeling bad. So I wish them well in their futures. I am sorry for them because they did not choose to be this way. This miserable life was thrust upon them when they were nothing more than innocent toddlers. They do not deserve our hatred.....the ones that made them this way do.
I feel sorry for her but that does not mean I can live with her. I am not strong enough to carry her baggage. I was strong enough once but the infidelity has robbed me of that strength. Now my inner strength is being brought to the surface. It shows itself more and more each day. Just as her weakness shows itself more and more each day.
Yes, wish them well....they will need all the good wishes they can get. Feel sorry for them, they did not choose to be this way. Feel joy for yourself, for now it is your turn to live and not just merely exist.
[This message edited by Frank2010 at 4:05 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)]