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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wontdefineme,

You are too kind. Just know that as you too are making your way to the shore, you are showing those behind you the way. You are setting a great example for others to follow. You may not know it but there are others that are watching you and how you handle yourself. Keep being the shining example of strength and determination that you have shown yourself to be. You are actually doing pretty damned good in the process. I hope others will see and follow and find the strength from your strength. Keep looking forward at the beauty of being NPD free and try not to look back at the devastation behind you.

Much like your analogy of the plane crash, when you are looking at the shore you have hope. But if you turn around to look at the devestation all you see is carnage and despair that fills you with horror. Looking ahead is always more pleasant than looking back....Remember this when you are tempted to look behind you.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank, that was a beautiful post.
I am sorry for them because they did not choose to be this way. This miserable life was thrust upon them when they were nothing more than innocent toddlers. They do not deserve our hatred.....the ones that made them this way do.

I feel sorry for her but that does not mean I can live with her.

Especially that part, you are correct. And I have incredible anger for his mother who is responsible for the mess she made of her son.

Unfortunately for me, though, I have to have anger towards him to detach. It was pity and understanding that kept me attached so long. I know how miserable he is. I know I am the only one in his life that truly cared about him at all. And he used that to keep dragging me back in to continue feeding off my spirit.

I want to get to the point where I am feeling pity again but right now, I have to hate him. Pity is dangerous for me, because I am a caretaker and a nurturer. If my heart goes out to him again, I will lose my soul to him.

He will text me once a week or so "I miss u". He will show up on the weekends and try to make small talk. He will grin and stare at me. All the things he is trying to use to suck me back. Last weekend, I had to end up pretty much yelling at him to stay the f*ck away from me, he is dead to me, I am moving on and not playing his games anymore. It was a little ugly and I feel bad but I think it is the only way to get thru to him that I don't want to hear from him at all anymore. No more probing texts. I think he finally got the point this time....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naiveagain

Its weird to read our own lives in someone elses words. The total understanding of our loved ones brokeness only for it to be turned around and used against us. I am not scared of loving again, I am scared that one of these broken people will see something in me that says I will love you for who you are, come suck the life out of me. At least this next time I wont have to stay for the sake of my children.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wontdefineme, exactly!

I am not scared of loving again, I am scared that one of these broken people will see something in me that says I will love you for who you are, come suck the life out of me.
I'm not afraid to open my heart again also once it has completely healed again. But I have a history of picking narcissistic selfish men. I am in therapy though working on why I do this and how to avoid it, because I tend towards broken challenging guys that promise fun and excitement (and a chance to let my nurturing and healing instincts work ) and I find myself back again with another broken selfish man that has nothing to give me and uses me for ego-stroking and emotional feeding......leaving me totally exhausted by the end of the relationship and needing to work hard to restrengthen.

I know I can do it, I am very resilient, but I want a partner this time that will help build me up instead of just take take take. I want a partnership where we both boost each other.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a partner this time that will help build me up instead of just take take take. I want a partnership where we both boost each other.

I want that SO much.

The idea of even dating scares me though. I was taken in by one NPD. So were my family and friends. It's that honeymoon period. I comfort myself that there were red flags that I should have seen and I think I'd see them now. But... the concern that I might be taken in again scares me. I can't put my kids through this again. I've worked too hard to help them heal and pray that I am helping them early enough. But I'm not sure. It still scares me.

I'm healing though. And I dream of a relationship where both people actually encourage each other and build each other up.

But... I also even question here. I hate that. I know that my X tells stores about me (he's told them in front of me) that make me sound like the NPD. And he believes them. It makes me question if everyone here. But as soon as I question, I realize that the big difference here is that we're seeking to become better people. A NPD denies any wrongdoing. I hate that I still have trouble trusting though.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should add that I had an unexpected run in with X tonight. That has me in a sour mood tonight. Strange how simply not agreeing to do things their way means you're apparently being rude. Even if you respectfully disagreed. It's still called rude and inappropriate (actually, it's called far, far worse than that).


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last time mine tried to manipulate me, I told him that he had no right to tell me what to do anymore and he couldn't boss me around anymore. And something about not feeding his narcissistic personality disorder. Im getting stronger because I don't answer his calls and I've been keeping evidence of his stupidness. I knew he was stupid but damn.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, I have some type of draw towards them and have been with more than one. That is why I won't date seriously until my dd is gone. She is 13, I have 5 more years before I will bring someone into my home. I won't put her through that again.

I will date, but not too seriously. If it does get serious and he is the one for me, then he will wait and understand why we are putting my daughter first. Otherwise, then he is not the one for me.

My psychoX is really good at lying about me, and has even been able to talk a few others into stalking me for him. He is really good. He had the court believing some of his lies. And with the psycho, when I did not completely agree with anything that he said, no matter how respectful, he attacked me.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish, wish, wish that the children didn't have exchanges so that they didn't have to witness the behavior that happens. Immaturity. But disrespectful and... rude would be a kind way to describe it. I'm ready to just sob right now because I want out from having to deal with this and I have to deal with it until my children are grown.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I'd give an update on where I am 10 months from DDay.

The anger has gone and what's left is a profound sadness. Now I understand why anger is the preferred emotion while your recovering from the hell that is an NPDWS.

I guess the good news I no longer feel attached to him. He seems so far away in my past so I have definitely detached. That has to be good right.

I always knew there was sadness underneath the anger but now I get to face it and heal it.

The journey to heal is a process that takes it's own time.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, how old are they? Is he abusive? Does it get really nasty with the trade-offs at visitation time? If so, get a P.O. Then you can have the trade-offs done at a police station so he has to stay calm and not expose the kids to any violent tantrums. Mine was extreme, and even though I hate having to take her to a police station, it is far better than watching her dad chase me down the hallway because I didn't buy the right outfit with his child support money (oh, that was back when he was actually paying some....)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naive,

Yes, he's abusive. The children are young. We used to be at a police station and I had a PPO but it wasn't renewed (by the court) and the family court doesn't like exchanges at the police station so we aren't there any more. We're still at a public place but he still acts up. He's good at not quite crossing the line of behavior that requires police intervention while still acting very, very poorly. That's part of why I am so frustrated. It's bad enough to affect me and the kids but not enough to get the court involved. It's wearying to deal with.

I'm feeling overwhelmed tonight and a good night's sleep will really help me out.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((irrelevancy))) He sounds so much like mine! Mine was also very good at going right up to the line of bad behavior but not crossing it enough to get the police called. However, my advocate told me that I can call the police anytime I feel threatened, even if he doesn't hit. Get an advocate. Call a woman's shelter, they can help a lot! Mine has literally saved my life.

We split when my baby was only 6 years old. It was awful. I am not sure why your family court won't do police station exchanges in volatile situations, that sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.....

They need to realize that no matter how much one person may want to do what is in the best interest of the child, it really takes two for that to work. The court system is a mess though. I couldn't get a P.O. in my original court, but when I moved out of the county I had a judge that was educated on domestic abuse and she has renewed it three times for me (he fought every single time!).

Co-parenting with these people is just a nightmare all the way around, and it takes a lot of work to keep your sanity. Surround yourself with as much support as you can, stay here to keep this support, get an advocate (you need it, trust me) from the women's shelter, and get a counselor for you and the child(ren). You need a lot of support, that is what has kept me sane.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! His need for control is driving me insane! Last week I made the offer that we could save on lawyer fees by doing mediation, he said he would call an discuss the next day. He emails me today that he is open to mediation. WTF? I had given up and figured we would have to go to court. Why does he feel that he has to STILL control my life? Why can't he just email me back ok lets do it. No, he makes me wait...grrrr!! NPD crap is driving me nuts.

I am working on what I am willing to bend on and what I am not. I really believe that he is going to come in and offer me a small amount of SS if I give up house and everything else. I told him to have his attorney call mine and set it up. He wants to be in control then he can pay to set it up.

I mean really? Am I not dealing with enough crap in my life? Do I need more stress which makes my CEBV worse? Just saw the doc today and was told that I am permenantly disabled and she approved for me to get disabled plates for my car now. I am having to use a cane to walk as I am falling all the time. Have skin cancer and now, I can't drive because my eye doc says I have tunnel vision. Do I really need more of his controll issues. I just want this divorce to end all his control bs.

Thanks for letting me vent and yes I know I should just ignore but it still gets me mad.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reading this thread is comforting to me because I know I am not alone.

My WS was told by our MC that he has NPD. He has no boundries with me. He keeps just showing up at my home under the guise of spending time with our daughters. Um, you never did this before, why start now?


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2495 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Jpapageorge
♂ Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I am reclaiming my music, today's musical selection is "It's Not Enough" by the Who off the album Endless Wire. (If I were smarter I would imbed a link to the lyrics.)


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

paps, it's ok...
"...it'll never be enough..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFalP6rme6A&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL22D196383817A6DF

Dang! That's kinda long...the tinyurl folks can fix it!

http://tinyurl.com/899wugo

Ok..there ya go!

I'm a Live at Leeds Magic Bus guy mahself...

How bout we just cold cock their stupid asses?
When they bitch about it...we can tell them it's in the past, right?

C'mon folks...don't get any idears or nuthin!


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Close yer eyes , lean back, love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLqmBPIOsyc


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear lord, I had to stoop so low today as to ask my stbx to co-sign and apartment for me. I have no one else who can help me and I really need to move from where I am.

The apartment I found was perfect for me because it is the handicap unit and has all the hand holds that I need since I am now forced to use a cane and have been declared permentantly disabled. But they wouldn't rent to me because I do not make 3x the rent. It is so unfair, I can't currently work, I still haven't gone to court for Spousal Support (jan 3 court date) so I can't move. I even had a free mover set up who could move me.

To have to ask my stbx to co-sign made me sick because it is one more thing that feeds his NPD but I honestly need to move. I live so far from town right now that driving in to all my doctor's appointments is killing me. If only I had some spousal support then I could move and live in a normal place.

I really just want to give up and move back to my house and tell him to shove it. It is my house too so why should I suffer living in this place while he gets the use of our 4 bedroom home. I just wanna cry right now and freakin give up. I have never been so low in all my life. I have always made my own way in life and NEVER needed anyone to co sign for me. Damn I hate being so sick and disabled. There should be different criteria for the disabled.

Sorry, I just hate myself right now for asking him for help. I know it will only come back to hurt me. I asked him to answer today and if I don't hear from him then I know he won't help me.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the hits just keep on coming. He answered me by telling me that his attorney sent my attorney a settlement offer. It was the most insulting thing I have ever seen. I was crying because after 12 years together his only offer was 75% of his 401k. He keeps our house, no ss, I keep my debits (he promised to pay them off and i have it in email) and I get to keep my own car which I paid for and is titled in my name. The problem with this is that he took a 25k loan against his 401K so we have no idea how much 75% is and it is insulting that he cheated and he wants to screw me over.

I told my attorney that I won't accept it and sent her my terms. If he wants to have a war then he will get one. I am fighting mad now and my demands were very strong. I am ready for this to go to court because he won't want to have all the cheating information made public. If he fights me I will make sure a judge sees it all. It will hurt him more than it will hurt me. I am so freakin made right now that he needs to be very worried. I want to destroy him at the moment. He cheats for 10 year and I have the pictures and emails and chats so he better be wary of me.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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