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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

found some more of my old posts with articles that might help.

For this article the link did not work anymore (was http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5):


Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.

Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.

To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by catching her while she secretly masturbated. And when he caught her, he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further. Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!

He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous.

If a Controller is solely Borderline, his rages may remain verbal. You might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will "just happen" to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, "It was an accident," or "I didn't mean to hit you," or the ever-classic "Why didn't you duck?" - Not, "Why do I act so insane?" ...

Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder. ...

[This message edited by downfall at 6:01 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and here is an entire re-post of a post from 2008

"I've been debating on posting this article because there is some information contained that I do not agree with. Mostly some of the treatments. I do not believe in EFT and though the 12 steps are a proven and profitably way to heal for addicts; I'm not sure it applies to victims of NPD. I found much more success with Positive Thinking and Reinforcement, No Contact, Journaling, and IC. But there is a lot of validation in this article related to why we are here and continue to seek each other out. They even use the term "Tribe" which if I remember correctly BoB brought to us. This article relates to parents, but I believe can carry over to any N relationship in our lives. "
--------------------------

Can children of narcissistic parents ever recover?

YES, you can recover from NPD Parents!

First of all you need to learn about recovery and what recovery really is. There is 12 step recovery and then there is therapy and then there is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT \"Tapping on Emotional Issues to Clear Them\") and there is the recovery model in the mental health field.

There are stages to your recovery: First you realize something is wrong and you go about searching for answers. Then you discover what NPD is and it is a devastating stage to go through as it is like losing a parent that never existed in the first place. Seek support from someone who will listen and validate you and not deny your reality. It is extremely hard to find someone who can supportively listen to someone talk negatively about a parent to the extent of never wanting to speak to your parent ever again. This is shocking to people who had loving parents. Thus, your reality is invalidated which causes further injury, emotional abandonment and rejection. Then one may look further to either find a therapist who \"gets it\" or to seek your own kind - to see if there are any other adult children of NPD parents.

The sad yet good news is that there are many of us out there and they are forming online support groups more and more. Just do a Google search on what you are looking for, like \"narcissistic parent forums\" or something like that and do some research. If you found your way here, you know enough to do some searches.

There you will find support and MOST IMPORTANTLY - VALIDATION. It is the one major thing we did not have growing up, we had no voice, we had no boundaries, we had no loving care and our reality was invalidated so much we were left not knowing what to believe, even our own gut intuition. Thus we had to guess at what normal is. And so forth.

Then the next stage of recovery once you have found your \"tribe\" is the stage of just being able to finally talk about it, hear how others are talking about it, hear how others are dealing with it, etc. etc. This is a bittersweet stage but it can bring a sense of a new freedom and renewed hope. You get what you never had - support, validation, listening. It's like the family you never had. You may not like everyone but you know they \"get it\" and that forms a special bond that helps repair the fact that you had a mother/father who could not bond.

When you start to get the feeling that you are starting to get tired of hearing all the venting and complaining and realizing that the focus is still on the NPD person, past or present you may be one of the lucky ones to look for further recovery. There is more than just being validated and seeing how wicked and bad the NPD is. That is when you begin to look at you.

This can be done in therapy and or via 12 Step, say Alanon or Codependency type recovery or Adult Children type of recovery. It's not really enough, but close enough. Some of them don't really \"get it\" either because their focus is on alcoholism of course and most people in society don't even know what a Personality Disorder is. But if you take the Pro-Active suggestions for SELF-CARE you will be recovering. You will be recovering yourself and your self-neglect behaviors that you internalized from having a parent that programmed you to love them but not yourself.

Self-Care is extremely important - I can't emphasize this enough. Why? Because when you take care of yourself and all your needs (1.) you are providing what you did not get as a child and (2.) you are experiencing what you did not get as a child. There is a healing magic in that experience.

OK, back to recovery. There is also The Recovery Model which is relatively new and it's in the Mental Health field and it's about Wellness. So you can search for WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plans. Basically it's about self-care to stay well and knowing your triggers and red-flags and having wellness/healthy strategies in dealing with them, new ways. This is great because you are creating your own individualized recovery program. Your recovery can include going to 12 step or other support type meetings - support for emotional abuse, childhood abuse, relationship abuse, etc. etc. Your recovery can include working the 12 Steps which is really about taking a look at yourself and stop blaming the NPD for all your problems which in turn helps empower you to make changes to be more in control of your life and your reactions and not feel like a helpless victim anymore.

Once in Recovery, alot of emotions come up naturally. The best, easiest, painless, fastest way I have found - and I've been looking for a good 20 years now - is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). They don't call it Emotional Freedom for nothing. It truly helps relieve you of distressful, intense feelings and the body sensations that go along with them when you are triggered and upset. All those fears and anxieties, all the regrets and resentments, the rage, the deep sadness and pain, all the stuff you put up with, all the sick dysfunctional relationships you wasted your love and energy and time on - ALL of these things can be "Tapped" on. You Tap on acupuncture points while feeling the distressful feeling - you don't even have to get all the way into the feeling, you don't have to have a breakdown or breakthrough or whatever, and you don't even need to analyze or figure it out and all that. All you have to do is tap and your body relaxes, the emotion subsides and your brain then naturally sort of processes the issue and you feel like it's behind you now.

You can learn EFT for FREE right from the source at emofree.com where it's creator Gary Craig offers a FREE manual of how to learn it - it's really very easy, you just memorize about 12 tapping spots, and the site has hundreds of pages of examples and tips etc. all free. So why not use it on NPD Parent Recovery issues? You can use it on anything. You can also search Utube for videos showing you how to use EFT.

So that brings us to the final stage of recovery which is basically getting a life and living it for the rest of your life. It is about creating your life the way you want it, self-care, learning how to socialize with the good people, learning what to do with your triggers and issues, learning what you enjoy in your life, taking actions that are positive and have positive experiences and results for you. And therein lies the recovery life - you do things that give you a positive experience. Notice I said DO things - you don't wait until you "feel like it" or until you are recovered or healed enough or until your depression goes away or whatever, you are pro-active and you take action and you just do it like Nike says.

You can Tap you can read spiritual and recovery material, you can pray, you can work the 12 Steps, you can devise a WRAP, you can go to therapy, you can read books on your disorders, you can express yourself in groups or in journals, but until you begin to IMPLEMENT healthy actions into your life not much can or will change for you. Why? Well, what the heck do you think you are recovering? You are recovering your life and yourself. It's more than what you are recovering from; it's what you are recovering to. What are you moving toward? What action can you take today that will make you feel good, valued, special, loved, healthy, well? What are you even like when you are well? What actions do you have to take every day to stay well? Every week or month or once in awhile? Because if you did not take these actions what would happen?

You would relapse, whatever relapse means to you. You can relapse into old behaviors, old ways of thinking, depressions, fears, addictions, isolating, etc. You know how you've been dealing with the affects of NPD - the best way you could given that you had no knowledge or resources. But now you do have knowledge and resources and though you were not in any way responsible for what happened to you, you are responsible for yourself and your life and your recovery now and for the rest of your life. So you might as well make the best of it.

Recovery is the reward for all your hard work my friends. Recovery is more than the absence of pain, it is the new freedom and joy of life that you never even knew you could ever have. It's new friends, its peace and serenity, it's what you make it and many surprises along the way as well. Life will not always be great, no one said you are exempt from further traumas, tragedies, illnesses, hurts, losses, etc. life is still life, the good and the bad - but - you don't have to trudge it alone and you have tools now to help you get through.

Then when you are there, you will turn and look and see how far you have come and you will see and know that there are so many more out there still suffering that you may want to share your recovery with others so that they too have a shot at this thing.

Lastly, one huge aspect of NPD recovery for adult children is the topic of relationships. It's not bad enough we had NPD parents, but guess what? We get to have all the fun of marrying them and working for them and having them as best friends and the like until we have hit our bottom so to speak and take a look at why we are always victim to them, attracting them or attracted to them in some unconscious way. This is a big part of the recovery process, too much to write about here, but it includes taking a look at what you were thinking when you first met the N's in your life, and challenging beliefs you have about yourself (I'm too damaged, Healthy people are boring, I can fix him, I'll be rewarded for all my sacrifice, I can get approval from her, and finally I will be alright then.) When this survival plan does not work it is a devastating place to be in. You've tried your upmost best, given all of yourself and all of your prime years, your energy, time and money into trying to make these relationships work. Of course you did, you were programmed from the cradle to do so. It's ok that you did this, but now it's time to take a look at it and learn about choices you have, learn new ways of being in the world, new ways of relating to others, etc. And the reward is real, supportive and loving relationships in your life. Don't be surprised if this takes a bit of getting used to. You're not used to love and support. But my friends, you deserve it. You have been giving it your whole life - just imagine someone like yourself giving that love to you. Hopefully you are smiling with tears in your eyes right now because I am. I am smiling because This response to the question "Can we recover" is the result of my recovery and I'm so grateful I have so much to give to you. Stop by and visit me some time, I'm working on a website to do more of this - give recovery tips and teach people to Tap for emotional freedom, healing and growth. I call it PsyQiSoma (dot com) - Psy for the MIND, Qi for ENERGY and Soma for the BODY. It will be a work in progress so more will be added to it over time. I might just post this whole answer there as well.

If I can recover, you can too. I ran away from home at 14 and then got thrown into a mental hospital and then rehabs for acting out. I never went back home. My mother ended up homeless for years and alot of other drama. I've been on my own since age 17 and went to community colleges because I was so interested in psychology to try and figure out what the hell is going on here. Is she crazy or am I? I suffered great depression, ended up married to an N, lost everything after years of hard work to make it, and hit my bottom hard. But that question led to a life time of social work and a Master's degree in Psychology. And my love for my son refused to let me give up. So I attend 12 step meetings, I've done some great therapy and some not so great and since 2002 I've been tapping my problems away to a new life. I tap on my fears when I want to take a healthy risk. I practice self-care and take recovery actions on a regular basis. So my recovery has been a combination of these things, and your recovery will be a combination of things that will work for you. Take what you can use and disregard the rest.

TLC

J'net

From: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_children_of_narcissistic_parents_ever_recover


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<<<<jj prays for wisdom...sadtoo has the best stories! about how, once you figure this out, you can use this for your own healing.

I used 'the uh huh nod'...the 'stupid' non-comprehending look to draw my npet out.
That way, I could be silent, and observe her devaluing of me...helped me plan my escape. My healing.

LET THEM TALK, LET THEM RAGE ON!
Gives clues for healing I say!

Schoolin faces since...oh, about ten years now...I'm gettin good at it. YOU CAN TOO!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stopthemadness
Member
Member # 25947
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my God ... I need help. Please hear me ... please.

I was involved with a classic abusive narcissist for four years. No marriage, no kids, nothing like that ... just my heart AND my soul was involved.

It has left me scarred. Scarred for life. I am changed forever.

You all probably know the details of what I went through without me even mentioning it all. It was sooooo much ... it makes me want to vomit.

"If you were a better girlfriend, this wouldn't have happened.". Said upon cheating on me for the second ... or maybe third ... time.

"When you wear a pair of panties to bed ... with the sleepy pants ... you're telling every man on earth that you don't want them to touch you!!". Said after three years of this 'behavior' when he was grumpy one night.

"You have contributed NOTHING to this relationship. NOTHING!!! I have done all the changing, work, and met ALL of your needs." Said when in couples' counseling because of all his lies and cheating.

"You love your dog more than me! You pay her more attention than me!" Said when I sat down one night to pet my dog. She hadn't even come into the living room for months prior ... until that evening, when I guess she was confused that all was well. Until that moment. She left.

"You constantly reject me". Said in couple's counseling session ... to which I responded, "We have made love 20 times THIS WEEK alone ... how have I constantly rejected you??". He walked out.

"NO ... I'm not attending the abuse classes anymore! How do you feel about THAT ONE??" Said after I asked him about the batterer's classes he had agreed to attend after grabbing me by the throat and pushing me across the kitchen floor. This happened after months of shoving me into things, throwing things and breaking them, restraining me, physically pushing me around, etc. Once it escalated to more severe behaviors, I demanded he attend these classes.

"I will no longer defend my integrity!!!! This is bullshit. I am not putting up with this shit!!!!". Said in couples' counseling ... before walking out ... when I finally got a chance to speak about his infidelities in the relationship, including me being the 'other woman' when I FIRST met him (unknown to me at that point in time).

OK. Enough. I could fill a book. It's all in my journal.

BUT.

I can't get over him. I left him for good almost 18 months ago ... and I still yearn. I know. I know. I yearn for something ... that never was.

But still. I feel for him. He still contacts me (about every 7-21 days via text, email, etc.), telling me a funny story, sharing a joke, or expressing how unique we are as a couple and how I am his one true love. I have not responded once. Not once to any of his messages, etc. But they stir me.

They stir me into feelings of sadness, regret, anger, and shame.

Why do I still have feelings for him? Mostly emapthy ... and sadness. I know he is so utterly alone ... so sad ... so scared. I KNOW that's his own making ... but still, I knew him as many others didn't. I knew what he smelled like, I knew what he looked like as he slept, I knew how funny he could be, I knew he was scared and all I wanted was for him to feel safe and secure. But no matter what I did ... it was never enough. Never. Or if I rose to the occasion and took those panties off and just wore the sleepy pants, he would raise the bar, and want those off too.

I just couldn't please him. No matter what. And when that happened ... and it would happen often ... off he would go, into the arms of another woman, who would tell him what he wanted and please him for an evening. Shit.

But I know. I WAS different. I meant something to him ... something more than those other woman. I wasn't discarded ... I discarded him. And I know he can't stand living with that. Whatever.

I just can't get over him. The thought of what 'could have been' ... haunts me. The thought of letting another man in ... seeing my soft underbelly ... makes me want to be sick.

I fear I will never get over this relationship. NEVER.

I will live forever ... haunted by 'what could have been'.

Any thoughts? Any suggestions? Any cheek slaps?

I am so scared. So filled with emotion still. So alone.

[This message edited by stopthemadness at 8:27 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)]


~~~ You used to captivate me by your resonating light ...
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind ...
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams ...
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.~~~


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wishing I was anywhere, but here!
Nicole5
♀ Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stopthemadness.

I have a few things for you to consider: (all of these suggestions would have helped me immeasurably if I had heard them early on in my discovery process!)

1) Stop feeling sorry for him. He sounds like an intelligent man; smart enough to find ways to manipulate you, surely he's smart enough to fix himself--IF he wanted to

2) You can still have what you wanted. You just can't have it with him. Keep the dream alive in your heart

3) Alas, when dealing with a npd, you have to know that he made sure you abandoned him. That's their MO; part of their disorder.

4) I am so glad you do not respond to him. He's just checking to see if you are still available for more victimization. Silence="No thanks. Find someone else to abuse"

5) Keep up with your journal. It is so important that you find your voice.

6) Google "narcissist" and read, read, read. There are SO many people who have experienced the same thing you are experiencing right now.

I hear you, I have been there, I have come through to the other side. Life is good here. You will get there. I promise!

{{hugs}}


divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two words, BLOCK HIM! If there are no ties its time to move on.

I meant something to mine too, a willing victim that thought I could help him heal. My vows and my kids meant more than the pain he inflicted. Read, read, read.

Understand that he is toxic and its a dead end. Block him. Even if you don't respond, he still has you on his fishing line because you are still looking for his communication. You still want to feel needed by him.

We all want to feel needed and different from the women that came before us, but if we talked to the others Im sure they can tell us the same stories.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downy, thanks for posting all the awesome links! I miss all the articles that were on the early NPD threads. *whispers* I hope jj isn't getting all big-headed with ItsRocky giving him credit for posting those links.

Stopthemadness-- please block him. Change your number if you can't block a number. These constant contacts and reminders are only serving to torture you. Remember Rule #1 of NPD Survivor Club...or maybe it's Rule #2...No Contact = no new hurts. Erase him entirely from your life, then the memories and feelings will fade too.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stopthemadness,

The Tribe is right. No Contact= no new hurts. Block him.

But this,

I yearn for something ... that never was.

This is part of you. Part of your construction. And this stems from something much deeper and more powerful than a boyfriend. Who is the other N in your life? Face the FOO issue and this one should resolve itself.

Many positive thoughts.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All this "reflection" sent me on a tour of memory lane. I went back to NPD part 8 and wow. Who I was, how I felt, all I have learned, survived. And the memories!! There are posts and posters who have impacted my life in a way that changed the course of where I was going.

It was a heartwrenching and heart warming trip. And an hour I can't get back!

This is a powerful healing place. If you've been here long, kudos and thanks. If you have stumbled in or lurk, stay awhile.

teary and yet feeling strong. I love you guys! (((tribe)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CG - funny I was doing the same thing except way further back. I hope all the posters from that original thread are all healed and happy. Amazing to see the difference in myself.

I found one of my first rants -

Oh and btw people here is a reminder.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck; it IS a duck.
Doesn't matter what kind of duck, or what the duck's heritage is. It IS a duck. Doesn't matter if the duck
is cute, or friendly, resents being called a duck, or is overwhelmingly convincing with it's bark. It is
STILL a duck.
Treat it like a DUCK.
Doesn't matter if it doesn't like being treated like a duck, whines and pouts cause it doesn't WANT to be
a duck, or even begs what ever higher power you believe in to not be a duck. It is STILL a duck.
I have no problem in consistantly and repeatly reminding the duck that it is a duck, will be treated as a
duck, and will never, ever be anything but a duck. Because after all, I am NOT the one who made it a
duck!
End of minor rant.

and EX is still a duck!


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear all, you have no idea how much support you gave me unknowingly during the last year. After D-day I started IC and gave her all the letters my STBXNPDWH and the OW sent me. It didnīt take her long to diagnose..... after that I started to learn about NPD ; I read boos, you recommended, read all the comments (thank you Frank, sadtoo, caregiver, .... you kind of become close friends somehow...) and got my ducks in the row. Quietly and with as much NC possible.....
I filed for divorce last week and slowly start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!
I am still very much concerned about the kids......


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Free! Oh you are so welcome here! Ducks in a row - definitely! Kids got you, right?... The that means they are going to be all right!

Speakin of ducks...they're zebraducks.

BOND baby, BOND!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Free))))

Welcome! I am glad to know you are here and that you have "been here" and finding comrades and peace.

Good for you for being prepared and smart. You sound very strong.

Concern for the kids is natural. I share that. It is my source of hurt and pride. My Achilles heel. And there is no way to hide or deny it.

My strategy is to be as open and honest and clear about emotions and STUFF as I can be. Age appropriate. But when I am angry, I try to name the anger and the reason. And when I am wrong, I apologize. I cry if I am sad. I say the word "team" a lot.

I shoulder the worry, but share the process of healing. We all have healing to do.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
kam627
♀ New Member
Member # 30064
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I filed for a restraining order. I cried through the entire process and was granted a TRO. I thought I would feel some sort of vindication or relief, but I have to admit I feel more scared, drained and severely saddened by the finality of it all. Next week I have to prove my case and I know he will throw everything at me possible and I'm afraid I'm going to crack.

I filed finally because I'm pregnant, high risk and have a high chance of miscarrying due to a complication. Once he found out about the pregnancy the verbal abuse was heightened, when he found out about the danger of miscarriage and that I needed no stress the verbal abuse and harassment intensified even more. The last pregnancy was horrible and I saw quickly that this one would not be any different.

The hard part is that I love the man hate the man's actions. I know it is a lost cause and that he has hurt me and treated me like I'm not human and slandered me to all, but I can't help that I have love for this person. I actually spent last night feeling awful that he would be served and breaking down at the loss of his family etc. The reality is he probably wasn't upset at all, just really angry planning to rip me apart in court next week.

I don't know what to expect next week and I'm petrified. I know everyone is different, but can any of you share what happened with your N so I can armor myself?


It's hard to lead a double life, if you're living with your wife.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Nov 2010
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Concern for the kids is natural. I share that. It is my source of hurt and pride. My Achilles heel. And there is no way to hide or deny it.

My strategy is to be as open and honest and clear about emotions and STUFF as I can be. Age appropriate. But when I am angry, I try to name the anger and the reason. And when I am wrong, I apologize. I cry if I am sad. I say the word "team" a lot.

I shoulder the worry, but share the process of healing. We all have healing to do.


To use the word team is a very good idea. My kids are rather small so they still idealize their dad and provide him with excellent narcissistic supply. So right now they donīt get the toxic part of NPD...... As we do not live in the same town for years due to professional reasons it makes it easier as they never had their father 24/7. And I try not to offer him extra time with the children.......

The hard part for myself is still that I donīt want to believe that my marriage of 12 years wasnt what I thought it was. After D-Day he seemed to be a complete different person (Dr. Jekyll/Mr.Hyde....) and never changed back into the nice empathetic soulmate...... He has no remorse nor feeling of guilt, suggested we could still live as housemates (why would I want to do that???) and the crazy thing is, OW wants the same. She even sent a letter suggesting that we could have a menage ā trois and I shouldīnt be so conventional. javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')
She travels to every hotel I have been with him and last year it had to be my birthday in my bed in our appt. in his town she had to f+++++ him. How sick is that? and why is he allowing it? After reading "narcissistic lovers" my eyes were wide open and I understood so many things..... OMG, I felt so stupid. Still I am worried because his hole personality changed after D-Day, not only towards me, but also in his work, to cllegues and friends.... yet it isnīt anything medical. Can someone explain this? Is this normal even for NPD?

As far as the kids are concerned I try to be strong and solid for them with both feet on the ground. So far it works. The school counselor didnīt recommend IC for them yet, so I hope they will be alright..... Like caregiver said they are my achilles tendon and I am sure one day the devaluation will hit them too. Any idea what I could do?


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a Freudian slip: hole personality instead of whole personality............


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jjct! The zebraduck is on the rim of my bathtub. One of my very few purchases after D-Day and a reminder to think about you all and stay strong! Btw: my kids love it (although they donīt know the hidden meaning)


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, this is not a normal post, that will come later. This is a post to let you know that we are going to lose one of our own because she feels she is not getting the support she needs. ItsRocky has just posted in the S/D forum that she is going to leave SI. I am hoping that we can all go to that thread and show her that we are here for her, we do support her and we hear the pain in her post.

For me she has been like a life line, like Frank. She is someone who has walked through the fire pit and come out the other side but she is still facing a jury trial and her kids are blaming her for being on the witness list even tho ex is the one who did it. She is in so much pain right now and we have to show her she is loved and cared about here.

Please help me in letting her know that we do get it, tha we have all been on that fire pit and some of us havnt yet made it across and that we will walk it with her. She has a lot of wisdom and I for one have been helped by her. I hope you will let her know that we do want her to stay and we will hold her up during her struggles.

Thank you for at least reading this.

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 8:32 AM, December 1st (Thursday)]


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok so here is my whining post. I suggested that we do mediation and stbx agreed. Then we get a "final decree" which is offering me 75% of his 401K and health ins. until I can get one in my own name. Well since I am permantently disabled we have no idea when that will be plus we had to wait on info as to how much he has in his 401k.

So today for some reason I texted him about going to the house to do laundry. Normally I just pop over and do what I need to do. But my gut was telling me he was home and sure enough he was but was leaving in 45 minutes to go in to work. I asked if I could come by and do laundry and the asshole has the never to say "after I leave, yes". I was like "you know I never come over when you are home so how shitty was that, wanna make me feel worse just remind me what tomorrow is". It is our 11th wedding anniversary. The he proceeds to ask me if I got the mediation docs to sign. Ummm no, your atty didn't send any. He argues with me about it so I contact my attorney and nope no mediation forms. Well after getting a look at how much the FT had in his 401K before he took the loan to pay off all his debts and knowing he used his 14k bonus on himself and all the toys that are in that house now, I am planning to go to court.

He wants to play like he has no money but he is buying a basket ball thing you put out in the driveway and two basket balls plus some "cruz tablet". I can't afford to do my laundry at the laundry mat or get a washer/dryer and he is buying toys for himself.

I was doing my laundry and just fell apart. I can't be in the house knowing that he destoyed our lives and our grandchild's life. Tomorrow is our 11th wedding anniversary and I lost it. I was a blubbering idiot because he is living large and I am so broke I can't buy Christmas presents for my grandbaby.

I hate his NPD cheating self.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((svb))))

First, you are such a good friend to send us to someone else before your own post.

The injustice in the aftermath is the hardest thing for me too. It is the source of my anger most days.

I do think crying vents the emotions. It is not a bad thing to get the crying out.

I would not accept anything the NPD is offering without thoroughly investigating. I am suspicious of the motives.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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