If you serve no purpose of supply, it is quite likely that you will not even exist to him. He will toss you aside just like the vaccum cleaner that does not work anymore. If his shiny new vaccum quits working for him, he may try to resurect the the old vaccum cleaner, but more than likely he will go in search of a new one. Be thankful that he is the "walk away" version of NPD as opposed to the possesive raging version...
I am sure he is happier with his new supply (toy) but he will tire of that one too. I am sure she is feeding him a regular diet of ego kibbles and he is just lapping it up. He is an NPD ass and she is a volunteer doormat.....they are the perfect couple.....they deserve eachother.
Now you are free to work on healing and becoming a better version of you than he ever got to see. Keep reading all the links and books and it will speed your healing process exponentially. The more you learn the more the shitty NPD behavior jumps out at you. You will reach a point that you are happier he is vacant in your life.
Sorry you ended up here. The good news is that the infidelity will be the insignificant problem. You will learn that is was only a symptom of the bigger problem. Kinda takes the sting out of the cheating....KWIM??
Status: S & D'ing
And for telling me what I had hoped to hear in that I will no longer exist to him.
He is a doctor, so should be able to find an endless N supply from students/interns/residents/etc. once he tires of this new supply.
I am already happier with him out of my life. As all of us who are posting on here know, it's hard for me to look back and realize what I put up with from him. I will be stronger, healthier, and happier than ever before!
It totally takes the sting out of the cheating. I wish he'd ended our marriage honorably, but the cheating doesn't bother me that much anymore (I may still have days where it does) because I've realized how broken he is. Looking back, I was unhappy but my marriage vows were sacred to me and I am a positive person, so I was just making the best of things.
I now have a very bright future ahead of me!
He's also antisocial personality disorder, so I am reconnecting with friends and having the time of my life!
I am definitely doing more reading as I don't want to invite another NPD partner into my life once I'm ready to start dating again and need to make sure I can see the early red flags, before I get too attached.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
This thread rocks and you (yeah me included) all are incredible.
"Live the best life possible."
I will tell you a story about WH, he doesn't like eating with forks, (only spoons) well me and son usually eat with forks, and one time I forgot and gave Wh a fork too, and he blew up on me, yelling cussing, how could I give him a fork. Also a couple times I didn't make food salty enough and he threw the plate and food on the kitchen floor, cussing and screaming how could I not make the food salty enough( it was a time I was watching my sodium so was trying to cut back on salt, so everything tasted salty to me) He doesn't do that anymore, but I always give him the salt in case I didn't salt it enough for him. I have lost confidence in my cooking, he used to go on about how good I could cook, but lately I have lost my desire to cook and we have just been eating unhealthful meals and takeout. He comes around eventhough we are S and I never know if he will eat with us or not etc.
I do not know if He has NPD, but I know something isn't quite right. He has not gone to IC, but NPD sounds a lot like him.
[This message edited by PlainsGirl29 at 12:04 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]
Last night, I got sick. I could feel my throat getting sore, then my nose started to run and then the muscle aches and exhaustion set in. Mr. STBXNell immediately pointed out that he is sick, too... then went for a brisk walk while I wilted on the couch. In the 15 hours after I first told him that I was getting sick (including the eight hours that one or both of us were asleep), he has reminded me more than five times that *he* is sick.
Because nobody gets more sympathy than Mr. STBXNell. It's a RULE.
I have a similar story.
My mum was dying in hospital. I had been sleeping in her room for the past few nights. I'd come home for a shower and change of clothes once a day.
I was also trying to keep up a full time job and keep the household going.
Mr NPD was, yet again, out of work at this time. And we all know how exhausting sitting on your ass playing on the internet can be so he didn't have the time or energy to support me in any way but *shrugs* I was used to it.
Of course whenever I mentioned anything about my mum he'd literally cut me off mid sentence to tell me all about the time his mum died.
But two things stand out that I'll never forget.
Driving home from the hospice one night my car broke down. Mr NPD used to work with cars. I rang him from the side of the road, in the pouring rain, cold, wet and clearly distressed. He grumbled and moaned but he did come to my 'rescue'. Oh yes.
He screeched to a stop, jumped out of the car with a look of pure rage (NPD rage) and yelled "what the FUCK do you expect me to do?". I guess being torn away from his beloved computer on a cold and miserable day was poking the tiger.
On the day my mum died Mr NPD reminded me we had run out of icecream.
Thank GOD I'm free.
My W(H at the time now EX) went up to my IC therapist in person and thanked her for working with me to help me with my issues!
I'm struggling today with this today, and his whole attitude of thinking the kids should have this great relationship with him despite his sense of no financial responsibility to them. It's not always about whether the legal system says to support your kids after 18 (two are fulltime college students and he feels no need to help them with costs or living expenses); it's about what a parent feels in their heart is right? Don't get me started on his lack of support for our child who is still a minor. No help there either....I make all the money....so I can pay for everything, his words. And since he wasn't working...it was cheaper for me not to go after CS.
A seminary student (him) who doesn't support his kids...is this God's plan?
Meanwhile he is onto at least #3 GF since DD. Living the good and Godly life?
I am in the mortgage business and end of month is phenomely stressful. I came home and mentioned that I was completely stressed out and today was completely stressing. Her response....ME TOOO!!!
She is SAH Wife with no kids. So I asked her why she was so stressed today. Her answer: I looked for the fly swater for two hours!!! That fly was making me crazy!!! ..... Wow that really trumps month end with millions of dollars of transactions resting squarely on my shoulders....many peoples paychecks (including mine) on the line. How could I be so insensitive.
My daughter and soon to be DIL worked for me and the next day I had them spitting drinks and blowing pepsi out their nose.....
I told them that today I was going to go in and say "Man my nuts are really hurting today"......Hers tooo for days!!!
That was all before dday and way before I even knew what the word narcississm meant....hell....I couldn't even spell the word back then.
In the days when I was working full time AND going to school to learn to support my N, I mean WS, I ran out of gas at 6 am on the side of the freeway. I trekked up the embankment, across the bridge and down to the restaurant... IN HEELS AND A DRESS to call my MECHANIC H.
I got yelled at for letting the car run out of gas. Now he was going to have to come and put gas in the tank because...
Oh. He suddenly remembered he was supposed to have done it the night before, but it was MY job to check it because if he forgets, (while he's doing NOTHING ALL DAY,) then it's up to me to put gas in.
With no money?
Oooohhhh.... If only they'd write their rules down so we wouldn't forget!
Thank you for your hugs and acknowlegement ♥
It is/was so difficult to finally get that these NPD spouses will never, and I mean NEVER, satisfy our needs.
I used to feel very afraid for my future with Mr NPD if I ever got sick or needed care. I knew if that ever happened I'd have to move in with family because Mr NPD
would rage at me for being 'needy' and you know when I say this I'm not exaggerating ...I would have been neglected to the point of abuse.
He once left me in Emergency on my own because he was tired. I was feeling rather 'tired' myself while I struggled with a severe asthma attack.
This weekend is WH's 2nd weekend off in a row. Before this he has worked early shift on Saturday & off Sunday. For a few months prior WH worked 6-7 days a week. (OT during week also)
For years one of WH's main reasons for not helping around house, not doing repair stuff that needs to be done, with kids homework, not buying gifts for Christmas, B-days or Anniversaries has been: I don't have time, I work so much.
Getting back-so last weekend WH told me Sunday night that the reason he sat around all weekend playing computer games, watching TV, & sleeping is because he was still mad at me for a sarcastic comment about his A.
This week I have 180'd & have not initiated any discussion about A (or anything else, except a question about DS2's online class payment), & gave short civil answers to any questions WH asked. I just went about my business, went to work & did cleaning, cooking, kid stuff, etc. that needs to be done on a daily basis.
WH seems to be pulling all the stops to get me to react: the computer game he is playing is the one he played during his A. He told me after DDay that he would be on FB or IM'g & switch screens to the game when I walked into the room. I told him the game is a trigger & he promised not to play it until I am OK with it.
WH has stayed up all night watching TV, playing computer games both weekends yet he yells at the kids for doing this on the weekends.
WH will call the kids from upstairs or downstairs to go to kitchen & get him a soda, make him a snack when he could get up & walk 20 feet & do it himself. This has been a point of contention since the kids were little.
I have reacted to none of this. I just do what needs to be done here & say nothing.
As I type this it is 2:44 in the afternoon. WH is still sleeping, he came up to bed about 6am after staying up all night again.
I am waiting for some Narcissist books that were recommended here to arrive in the mail, should be here next week.
Does this sound like anything that you have dealt with as far as an NPD spouse?
Oh geez, does that sound familiar! My XWNPDH pulled that kind of crap often in our house! When I asked WH if he would help me with something (cook dinner, etc), he would yell up at the kids that they need to help out. I wanted Wh to help me because that was something that we always enjoyed doing together when we were first married. Obviously, he didn't feel that way anymore because I was a SAHM and that was MY job! SAme for yardwork... he would send the kids out to do his chores even when he was off for a day or two. Worthless piece of sh*t!
Thanks for your reply & yes WH does that with the yardwork also.
When DS's were little & I would tell them to do a chore they started with 'Daddy doesn't have to do it' so I stopped that & have taught them household chores & cooking & they are pretty good about helping out.
Oh, & WH just informed me that he is sick....the reply he got from me:.....crickets...... as I walked out of the room.
Looking forward to reading those books I ordered.
My parents 50th Wedding Anniversary was in 2003 and they planned a family weekend reunion with my sibling and their families at a resort in June. My NPDH, a few months prior to that weekend, tore his ACL in a weekend guys B-ball game. His knee healed in a couple of months but was not stable. The Dr. told him he could schedule the repair surgery anytime but it wasn't urgent. Guess when he scheduled the surgery??? Yep, 3 days before the reunion weekend, he HAD to have the surgery, even though I had asked him to schedule after the reunion
2 days before the weekend, he was discharged from an overnight stay at the hospital, was extremely moody, and proceeded to tell me that he was not going to go to the reunion and he would take care of himself while the kids and I left. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh at him or SMACK him!!!
This man-child could barely walk, let alone go to the bathroom by himself, fix his own meals, or tend his wounds!
Needless to say, I called the hotel and made arrangements to have a wheelchair accessible room, ice supply for his ice pack, room service for some of his meals, changed my plans to spend time with my family and go shopping, etc, so I could be with him and give him his meds and care for him. In my opinion, the weekend was not very enjoyable for all of us because he was so selfish and needy. He finally agreed to come out of the room the last night for the celebration dinner, but was not in a good mood, in pain, and wanted to return to our room as soon as dinner was done. I really resented him for only thinking of himself, but I held my words. He never apologized for spoiling the weekend or wishing he had waited to have the elective surgery. Now that I look back, I see his NPD had much to do with his decisions.
I had a tremendously difficult pregnancy. I was on full bedrest for all but a few weeks due to major bleeding problems. Then during delivery I almost bled to death. It was a nightmare delivery. So, post-delivery I was beyond physically depleted. Basically 9 months of bedrest, then losing so much blood, I was in very bad shape.
WH was present for the delivery, but a few hours later said he needed to go home because he was "tired". And so he did. Left me alone in the hospital and didn't come back that day. And didn't come by the next day, either.
He was tired. He meant to come, but he forgot. I was alone.
So a week later I come home from the hospital, finally strong enough to walk a few yards without collapsing. At that point he got "sick" and stayed home from work. He then had the nerve to get mad at me because I was not being nice enough to him. I wasn't checking on him to see if he was alright. I was not bringing him food on a tray so he could eat in bed. Yeah, right, it's all I can do to get to the bathroom, I can't even hold a 5-pound baby in my arms without shaking, and I'm supposed to schlepp up the stairs with a food tray for you?
Now I can laugh. But only because it's been a number of years since that one.
Another one, after being on bedrest and giving birth and then coming home, I asked that I not be involved in housework until at least evening. He insisted that I "help" him with some stuff and when I refused yelled at me because apparently (according to him) I was resentful of his having been in control and was upset that he wasn't giving control back to me. Um... I wanted to stay out of it until I had a chance to enjoy being in my own home!
And yes, he also was "too tired" to spend time at the hospital too.
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
I want NC. I want it so badly. I understand that he's trying to stir up "drama" and that he feeds on me being upset so the best thing to do is to not react.
Any suggestions on how to react or respond when he refuses to return the children on time and then tries to blame me for them not having the things they need for school (because if he returned them on time, they'd have this stuff, but because he's not, they don't have it).
From last Sunday: My STBXNPDWH and I are doing an in-house separation for 2 more weeks until he moves into his apartment.
Last Sunday, he went to leave the house but saw there was a key in the door. He went into an N rage because I had left the key in the front door.
Obviously, not something I intended to do, but we live in a very safe neighborhood, nothing happened, and he's done it dozens of times in the past. Full blown, scary N rage. Finally, I left and went into the bathroom.
He returned later that evening to tell me how proud he was of himself for realizing that I was upset by his behavior, though it wasn't until 10 minutes later that he realized. He wasn't angry at all; he just wanted to make sure I knew that leaving the key in the door wasn't a good thing to do.
Oh, hasn't he made so much progress in IC by being able to recognize others' emotions? What a great guy he is!!!
And from almost every night: he'd fill up a glass with water and make me watch him drink it without taking a breath. Then I'd have to praise him, and if the praise wasn't over the top enough for him, he'd sulk. At the time, I thought it was enduring, but really? Praise for drinking water? When an N!!!
Can't wait to be free! I hope his MOW continues to supply him until I can escape and never have anything to do with him again!
I know this is going to sound like crushing a peanut with a sledgehammer but when it comes to NPD's sometimes extreme asshat behaviour requires an extreme response.
Get a court order.
A family member of mine had to do that with her XWH. It was court ordered he MUST get kids to school on time. He MUST provide this and that and so on.
Talking to them does not work.
Legalities do. Tell him to refer to the court orders if he has a problem. And that's less connect with the NPD for you and that's a good thing.
The less contact you have with the NPD the better.