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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Faith2011
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Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading these stories makes me both sad and happy. Happy that you didn't/don't have to spend the rest of your life with these broken people.

I can't believe the extent these NPD's are so ... so .. NARCISSIST!

Amen for the A because if it didn't happen I'd still be with XNPDWH.



BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a court order

That's part of the problem... we do have a court order and he doesn't care. And the courts around here don't seem to either. They'd rather that you work it out yourselves and if you go to court, they tell the offending person to do better (making a new court order) and assume that that solves the problem.

eta... I have also referred him to the court order. His response is to ignore what I've said and go back to his "party line" that I'm hurting the children in an attempt to hurt him.

Knowing that he feeds off of seeing me get frustrated/angry, I'm trying to figure out if there is even any way for me to deal with this other than reporting it (again) to the court and hearing them make an excuse about why they shouldn't deal with it right now.

[This message edited by irrelevancy at 6:40 PM, January 22nd (Sunday)]


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen for the A because if it didn't happen I'd still be with XNPDWH.

OMG, yes! On D-Day, I thought the A was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but I've now realized that it's one of the best things. I am so happy now that we're separate -- I think I'd forgotten what true happiness was. Sad that I lost myself due to an N, but so glad that he rebuffed my early attempts at R and has moved on to MOW!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
PayingthePrice
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Member # 34441
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irrelevancy,

Don't know if it will work in your situation, but for me, the very worst thing I can do to my NPDWH while he's telling me everything that I have done wrong is to look at him with not a shred of emotion and say "Okay".

It has gotten to that point now. His OW has broken off with him, so his kibble supply is gone. Now, suddenly, he wants to R. Unfortunately for him, I've learned to see him and I know that the R isn't for the marriage that was, or for our family. It's only so his tender ego gets its fix. And I know he'll only last until there's a new kibble supply.

It is making him nuts that I won't give in and submit to his plans for the R. This last week has been NPD hell - it goes between rages of screaming and yelling about how he did nothing wrong (OMG!) and then more screaming and yelling about how he wasn't the ONLY one that did anything wrong (OMG2!). Then it becomes extreme saccrine sweet kindness when he wants something from me.

He wanted sex this morning. When I refused and told him that I was NOT able to handle that emotionally, he continued to insist and try his seduction technique. ("Oh let's just do this and be done with it" - oh, yeah baby, that's a turn on line right there!) When that didn't work, it turned into NPD rage. He's leaving! He's moving out of state! He'll never see me (or his children?) again! Mmmmmmm... good?

I feel like I am being tortured. Actually, I know I am. I am being emotionally tortured while he tries to break me down so I'll submit to whatever he wants again. But, the 'Okay' answer in the face of his rage seems to be the only way to stand my ground right now. Anything more from me feeds into his ongoing tantrums. It won't work for everyone - I have an NPD who rages but I'm fairly sure would never actually put his hands on me so there's some safety for me in that he's the type that tries to intimidate more than anything else.

I am just so ready for this to be over. But I agree with the others about the A - the A seems almost like a blessing now in hindsight because it allowed me a path out of this horrible, manipulative, controlling and utterly self-indulgent relationship.


Freedom is the sweetest pain I have ever known.

Me - BS, 41
Him - WS NPD, 54
Kids - 20S, 17D, 15S
2 grandbabies - Twins!
17 yrs & 5mnts to the DAY of M
D-Day 12-19-2011

There is no turning back from what he's done to me. On the road to D.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2012
nutmegkitty
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Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of these stories sound so familiar to me. It's scary.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2490 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post in this thread,

Just wondering if most people are self-diagnosing their partner as NPD, or if they have an IC or something that they have talked to.

I have been reading here and there about NPD (just got "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists") and my husband seems to be textbook. In the past we've had these cycles where he is really sweet and then things get back and in my head, those sweet times were the real him and those bad times were me being a pain in the ass wife. "If only I..." I don't think that's the case anymore...


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Feb 2011
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is making him nuts that I won't give in and submit to his plans for the R. This last week has been NPD hell - it goes between rages of screaming and yelling about how he did nothing wrong (OMG!) and then more screaming and yelling about how he wasn't the ONLY one that did anything wrong (OMG2!). Then it becomes extreme saccrine sweet kindness when he wants something from me.

Well, gosh... that sounds familiar. Although you forgot the part where I am a bitch because I put him through hell for two years (post-DDay when I fell apart, cried until I vomited, lost 15 pounds and went through EMDR because of my PTSD... poor Mr. STBXNell) and he worked his ass off (by not doing MC homework, not reading any books about marriage, love and/or infidelity and not doing anything I asked/begged/cried for him to do to help me, but he *did* plan a vacation, well, not by himself because it was hard so I had to help him but it was his idea!) and he did the right thing (by telling me bits and pieces of the truth when it was in his best interests to do so and/or he was forced, while continuing to lie and sneak around whenever he could get away with anything) and divorceis his reward?!?! Poor wookums. Him needs a cookie.

I rarely get the saccharine sweetness, though. Poor me. Me needs a cookie. Good thing I can bake my own damn cookies.

Amen and hallelujah for the affair!!! Showed me what a total loss the guy is as a "partner." I had always had (false) hopes before that.

ETA to the non-goddess,
I self-diagnosed him. I had for years known that I couldn't count on him for support, that he would not meet my needs if he didn't feel like it, that anything in the world that happened either had some connection to him (no matter how random) or was completely unimportant, and that his awareness of the world around him seemed to stop at his own outer dermal layer. I just didn't know it had a name.

From what I am learning, NPDs generally don't get help because there is nothing wrong with them.

In Mr. STBXNell's case, he knows something is wrong (he told me once that he's not BPD... to which I replied, whaaaa???), but it's the symptoms he is dealing with (anxiety, depression), not the underlying causes (NPD, co-dependence). Sorta like treating the headaches caused by a brain tumor with Advil.

I don't know why it's important for me to understand why he acts the way he does... I like data and I do well with facts. It helps me to see that there's nothing I can do.

I can't help him and I can't make him get help. I can let him carry his own burden and free up my energy to take care of myself and my Boyos.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:22 AM, January 23rd (Monday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Faithsurviver
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Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Non-goddess-

When my XWNPDH and I attended MC (on my request) right after D-Day, the MC pegged him NPD almost immediately from his words, actions, and demeanor.

He agreed, reluctantly, to see her as IC, but that lasted for 2 sessions then he said he didn't need to go because he only went to help me thru the D.

I have continued to see her as IC, and without devulging his confidence, she has asured me that there was nothing I could do to help him

The ironic thing is, when I told XWNPDH that his foo was screwed up, he agreed saying, "yeah, my family puts the FUN in dysfunctional!" What a piece of work!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
ItsRocky
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Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my STBX-WNPDH and I attended MC soon after D-Day #2, the MC pegged him NPD almost immediately from his words, actions, and demeanor. And she told him she sees men in his profession every week, that the profession attracts those with NPD tendancies & then reforces them. That was the first, last and only appointment with her!

He agreed, reluctantly to the suggestion of his 2nd attorney, to see an IC. That lasted for 2 sessions then he said he didn't need to go because while he enjoyed their friendly chats he was too expensive for friendly visits and S4B "didn't need therapy".

The condition for R after his first discovered affair, 15 years ago, was MC but he just couldn't ever find time in his busy schedule and suggested I attend alone. Hmmmm... what should have been my first clue? I had never heard of the concept of narcissism back then!

Gee I think there is some common experiences here from the BS of NPDs!


Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
PayingthePrice
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Member # 34441
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly enough, I went to see an IC with my daughter to discuss some issues she was having. After a couple of sessions, it became clear that a lot of the problems were coming from one source and he was labeled NPD right there on the spot. Just from the way that my daughter and I said that we couldn't do this or that, or the whole world would fall apart. At the time, I didn't really understand what NPD meant. Mmmmm.. yeah. It has only been a few months ago. Little did I know just how familiar I would soon be with this little phrase.

Thank goodness for SI. I'd be floating around alone and never really finding which way is up. He has been torturing me all day long via text messages about R with him. Pushing, pushing, digging, digging. I have to pray on the drive home that I have the strength to live through the hours to come when I have to deal with him. And then I pray more for him to finally leave - or for me to finally find a house that I can leave to.


Freedom is the sweetest pain I have ever known.

Me - BS, 41
Him - WS NPD, 54
Kids - 20S, 17D, 15S
2 grandbabies - Twins!
17 yrs & 5mnts to the DAY of M
D-Day 12-19-2011

There is no turning back from what he's done to me. On the road to D.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2012
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the land of busted lightbulbs and broken toasters thenon. We 'self diagnose' because we've become autodidacts...

Sounds kind of professional that way, agree? Hey, at the very least...we can begin to think of ourselves with a certain nose-in-the-air-cache, eh?

As beat down as we become with these soulless entities, that's a good thing.

Plus we got our own songs, mascots, tools, and ships, so...we're kind of official.

In the ICR forums, one can read on Bipolar, Passive-Aggressive, SA, ADD, and all other flavors of "broken"...when your jaw drops to the floor and you know "That's it!", well...you know you belong.

NPD is often co-morbid with other stuff; Histrionic PD, NPD's can exhibit PA traits, SA (in males, nymphomania in females - though there's a 'gender-neutralizing' inertia that's been gaining steam for awhile, calling all of it SA)...

Borderline (psychopathic!) PD is a different animal with blurry boundaries btwn NPD. More men get the NPD, while women get the BPD diagnosis, and I think that's partly due to observer bias and tradition, but I've been thinking lately of the differential diagnosis btwn the two.

I think BPD lacks the charm. Maybe that's why it takes longer to say; "Ewww, you're an asshole!" and get away from them in NPD-land.

That's the SWAG method at work though...Scientific Wild Ass Guess, and since I'm an experienced wild ass, I feel pretty comfortable.


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Frank2010
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Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was diagnosed in the nut house....after she was willing to die rather than be wrong. It was a simple little lie that had nothing to do with her affairs. It was a harmless lie. But rather than admit she lied she took a bottle full of pills. The shrink on duty said there was no guilt or shame for what she has done....she did Villain/Victim transfer....she went from being the villain to being the victim. Ne told me she was extremely narcississtic. I did not even know what that meant. Through tons of reading and googling and retrospect.....it confirms the diagnosis.

Many can't get an official diagnosis due to the fact that they will not get tested....why should they?....There is nothing wrong with them?

When I mentioned getting tested to STBX....She said there is nothing wrong with me.....you are the one with the problem!!!!

Yep, typical NPD response.

Read, Read, Read....study them and study their childhood. Look at how they are treated by parents. It starts at around age of two years or so. They get emotionally damaged and it impedes their ability to develop emotionally....they disconnect. Their brains are underdeveloped emotionally and that is why they can not be cured or treated.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
downfall
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Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope no one takes this as beating a dead horse....but, alongside figuring out your spouse is NPD is figuring out why you. Why did they choose you; more importantly, why did you choose them.

Some victims of NPD may fall into the "born" that way category: Meaning - Most likely one of your parents or your immediate caretaker was NPD or something closely related to NPD. We grew up with NPD being "normal". We probably knew there was some sort of problem, but labeled it more like "My Mom is nuts!". Early on you learned how please the ego, walk on eggshells, and avoid poking the bear. Besides survival, you learned how to exceed expectations. You are great in a crisis because long ago you learned to set your own emotions and feelings aside. Your an overachiever, caretaker, hard worker, loyal and and dedicated to a fault.

Recognizing, dealing with and setting boundaries with my NPD Mom was the final freeing step for me. We have a better relationship than ever. Of course, I live 2500+ miles away from her On the scale, I believe my Mom is the lower portion, but still enough to drive you crazy if you don't get it. She doesn't mean any harm - truly. She just doesn't "feel" the way we do and has to be gently pushed in the right direction. I had to accept that this was the best she was ever going to love me. There was NOTHING about me that could change HER. I could be President of the United States and she would still think I "needed work". Because I am her reflection and it is all about her.

That negative voice, the one that calls you "stupid", "weak", "gullible", the one that questions every move, every spoken word, every situation; that voice can go away. But you have to find the cause of it and face it.

Great book if you do believe your mother to be the NPD Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride

Other good ones are Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi and Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

As always, many positive thoughts.

Downy

ETA: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/take-all-prisoners/201003/the-narcissistic-family-diagnosis-and-treatment

This is an article based upon the book which is excellent.

Toned down my sentence structure a bit too. Can't have Frank making faces.

[This message edited by downfall at 11:56 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Victims of NPD are also "born" that way. Most likely one of your parents or your immediate caretaker was NPD or something closely related to NPD. We grew up with NPD being "normal".

Thanks so much for this message and more to think about. This is something that I asked my IC last time but we didn't have time to go into it, so we will this week.

What I don't get is that I have very supportive, loving parents. Not a trace of NPD in them. Except for being a bit poor, I had an almost idyllic childhood.

I just don't understand why my STBXNPDWH chose me, and why I stayed with him!

The only thing I can think of is that he was very charming in the beginning. I was rather naive as he was my first serious boyfriend. He got me hooked and since I am so loyal, once we were married, I didn't even think of leaving. I just made excuses for his behavior.

But this is definitely something I need to figure out so that it doesn't affect me in future relationships.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
Frank2010
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Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Victims of NPD are also "born" that way. Most likely one of your parents or your immediate caretaker was NPD or something closely related to NPD. We grew up with NPD being "normal".

Not sure I agree with this....have not found any research that supports this. I know for a fact that I was not "born" with anything. This is not a physical abnormality. I was raised to be empathetic and to always see things from other's point of view. It has served me well throughout life. NPDs did not show us this side of them until we were hooked. Then the tables turned. Over time they exposed who they really were.

In my case I slowly started accepting less and less in the marriage and accepted her faults as "part of who she was". I also did not know about NPD so I always believed that the selfishness was a result of her being an only child with over indulging parents. She was spoiled and pampered. I blamed her bad behavior in her past as a result of over controling parents.

Only since dday have I realized that my ILs were not spoiling her.....they were trying to make her perfect....if their child was perfect then they were perfect parents....Anything that was not perfect, even as a 2 year old girl, was an embarassment to them....and they let her know that she was a disappointment. They still do. But they protect her from consequences. They can criticize the hell out of her but God forbid anyone else does. Because you will receive their rath.

No I was not born this way and being drawn into the NPD web is in no way because of a deficiency in me. I was not co-dependent when I entered into this relationship. That developed over time. I was very independent and pretty much a loner when I met my wife. I was a wild man and was ready to start settling down when we met. I was tired of the cold, hard, independent, life. I was vulnerable because I was ready to be vulnerable. Because I was ready to be an adult and start being responsible. The inference that there is something wrong with us for allowing them to dupe us is ......well...... unsettling.

I was not a victim, I was just a volunteer. I was very rebellious, heartless, cruel, and had issues of my own....that is for sure. I was portraying myself to be that way. Deep down I was always caring, kind, and giving. I behaved that way to keep people from taking advantage of my goodness. But I see nothing wrong with loving to a fault, not judging people for their faults, accepting them for their faults and looking past their faults and accepting and appreciating the good things about them. It is not a deficiency to overlook their deficiencies and accepting them for who they portray themselves to be. I consider those good traits. I am proud that I have become that person.

I was not born with a bullshit detector but that does not mean I was born defective. My co dependence has been programed into me since I entered into this relationship. My good traits were taken advantage of....that does not mean I am defective or weak. Nor do I wish to give up those good traits I possess. I do not want to be like them.

I am rambling because this statment has stirred some thoughts in me. But one thing I will not do is believe there is something wrong with ME for allowing myself to love someone who is not perfect.

But thanx for provoking some thought in me. Now I get to obsessively research this new concept. I agree that I am defective now as a co dependent. I just can't agree that I was defective 32 years ago.....at least not this defectiveness. I was fucked up in a lot of other ways and I can honestly say that I have consistantly become a better person throughout this marriage. And I am becoming an even better person because of this divorce.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank,

I certainly didn't mean to express that there was anything wrong with you (or us). By "born" I meant more along the lines in which we were raised and taught to think. And not every storyline is exact, which is why I said "most likely". NPDs do seem go for the best, the kindest, the most loving because they want that reflection.

Sorry if my wording upset you, I just want to encourage those who may not understand why they are still hurting even after the NPD spouse is out of the picture to continue exploring FOO issues.

Downy


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
Frank2010
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Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downy,

I did not take offense. It just disturbed me.

I agree that just getting them out of our lives is not the end. Lots of work left to do. That is all part of starting to take care of ourselves and healing ourselves.

Just taking away the gun does not fix the gaping hole.

You have to get rid of the threat before you can tend to the wounds.....But tending to the wounds definitely has to be part of the plan. Once the wounds are taken care of then you have to shore up the defenses to limit the risk of more threats.

[This message edited by Frank2010 at 11:24 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen Frank. The only reason I even got to where I recognized myself as a child of a parent with N tendencies was researching how to keep my own children safe.

For me, it is about breaking the cycle now. Both kids went into IC at the time of the separation and have continued on and off over the years. My son is back in therapy to deal with the guilt associated with his decision to go NC with his father.

Though on a day to day basis my family is healthy and happy; I look forward to the day when the "undercurrents" are no longer pulling at us.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
PayingthePrice
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Member # 34441
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I was pretty much set up for this situation right here and I know it beyond knowing. I wasn't 'born' to it, but I was definitely 'groomed' for it. I survived a horribly emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually abusive childhood with a whirlwind of multiple marriages and constant relocations. I escaped as soon as I could, right into a physically/emotionally/mentally abusive first marriage. I divorced after 2 years and current NPDWH swept in and 'saved' me - straight into a controlling/confining/emotionally abusive situation in NPD hell.

I was young. I never knew better. I went from one horrible situation into the next and into something even worse - but because he never hit me - I could close my eyes and play pretend at being blind to it until almost 18 years later and the A forced me to open my eyes.

I was set up for this. I have no doubts that my naivete' and youth, as well as the endless fount of admiration that NPD fed off of made me a target. A target, but not a victim. I refuse to let him win.


Freedom is the sweetest pain I have ever known.

Me - BS, 41
Him - WS NPD, 54
Kids - 20S, 17D, 15S
2 grandbabies - Twins!
17 yrs & 5mnts to the DAY of M
D-Day 12-19-2011

There is no turning back from what he's done to me. On the road to D.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2012
toughgirl8
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Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank- this really spoke to me...

"Only since dday have I realized that my ILs were not spoiling her.....they were trying to make her perfect....if their child was perfect then they were perfect parents....Anything that was not perfect, even as a 2 year old girl, was an embarassment to them....and they let her know that she was a disappointment. They still do. But they protect her from consequences. They can criticize the hell out of her but God forbid anyone else does. Because you will receive their rath. "

In my NPD research and talking to my IC, there are some very basic things that bugged me about my H early on..before we even got married, but I'll share this, cause it's a biggie and related to what you wrote.

My H had a child out of wedlock during college with a girl he never intended to stay with (she had a drug addicted mother, wasn't very bright, didn't have money or a good support system to make good choices for herself) and his fam has some money and some 'status' you could say.

What did his parents do? Raised the child for him. Her mother couldn't really care for her and my H was a college student. So they never made him take full responsibility, he was able to do school, work, date, get a house with his brother and they kept my StepD like she was their own, only making my H spend some minimal time with her on vacations or whatever.

So my H and StepD (who moved in with us full time at 12 on MY invitation) are like siblings and I take on all the responsibility for my StepD, school functions, emotional support, doctor appts etc. And he argues with her and insults her like a big brother (which is inapprorpiate and hurts) then I'm left to convince her that 'he does love you' 'he does want you here he just doesn't know how to express it' when I know in my heart he doesn't give a rats ass.

And my H actually told me as we were going to a professional event for him years ago not to mention StepD 'cuz no one knows about her'. I ask why and he says cause he doesn't want anyone to 'think differently of him'.

I treat her like she's mine and I can only talk about the D we have together at the time cause she's 'legit'. And that wasn't supposed to upset me??

And then as I got busier with my 3 little ones, if I couldn't meet StepD's every whim (lord knows her father wouldn't even try) she went to my IL's who would do ANYTHING to maintain some semblance of control over the sitch.

Makes me ill just thinking about it. My StepD is college now, generally a really good kid, but sometimes the same crap continues to happen, she shows similar N tendencies and I'm working hard to keep my little ones away from those influences.

But yeah, I'm still M, still here...still trying, my last ditch effort for my little guys.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
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