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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honesttoafault))

The more you read about NPD the easier it will be to detach. You have to detach for the sake of your well being and sanity.

phmh not long to go now and I'm sure it can't come quick enough!

I'm glad you are aware that if your X NPDWH's kibble supply runs out or is deemed not enough, he will try to contact you. He'll need to connect to his old N supply (you!).

It's been 11 months since my XNPD moved out. A month after he left he started phoning (I had Caller ID so I didn't pick up so then he tried calling from different phones ), emails (had to block him), texts .. thank God he moved to a town 3 hours away or he'd be at my doorstep.

He was relentless, even though I asked him not to contact me because it upset me. He even had the audacity to contact members of my family trying to get a response from me. But hey, as we know it's all about them and their feelings. The selfish tool.

He's finally stopped thank the Lord. The last contact was in November. And I would never assume it was because it's finally sunk in I don't want to hear from him. Oh no. Like that matters.

He's most likely found another N supply. Yay!


[This message edited by Faith2011 at 8:35 PM, February 3rd (Friday)]


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Shutup  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've a feeling several may 2x4 me for this one, and it's ok if you do. This is really going to be long, so I'm sorry in advance. I would like to call it a well-though-out piece of manipulation on my part, but I don't like to give myself credit for stupidity that just happens to work out in my favor.

I engaged. I engaged in a big way. In fact, I fell off the 180 bus so damn hard, I'm surprised I didn't end up in the hospital in a coma... and the day after my birthday, no less.

Here's what happened... In a somewhat misguided attempt to communicate with my WH in a format he suggested, (a LONG letter,) I put down like 9 different discussion points about why I am having a hard time letting him off the hook he hung himself on 10 years ago. I wrote carefully, thoughtfully and really, very well, what I felt was important but not so much that he could claim I was railroading him mercilessly. I informed him calmly that this is it for me. If things don't change, (no, I'm not going back on my belief in his NPD or thinking I can live with it,) I can't continue this marriage.

That night, we sat together. He was angry to begin with, because I had stated rules of engagement: No anger, no deflecting, no anything of the sort. He wanted to have his OWN rules included, even though this was supposed to be cathartic for ME.

So we got through 4 or 5 sections ok. He was very calm and managed not to blame me for everything. It was, to that point, mostly explaining how his lack of helping me deal with his A left me at a point of having to deal with it myself. (I also had severe post partum depression, the PTSD, anxiety and the death of my beloved sister all at the same time.) Which didn't get me far down the R road. So he handled that stuff fairly well, IMO.

Then we got to the part about how his current actions have added to the problem, and started me all over, at square one. That's where things started to break down. I figured that would be where we'd have problems. He is doing nothing wrong, blah blah blah. If I'd just GET OVER IT, things would be ok.

I made note of the fact that, although I asked him more than a week and a half ago to get rid of the women on his FB friend list that he put there, deliberately to piss me off, and those who were there because he "wanted to look," he has NOT done it. He removed one, a few guys, and a couple people he would have anyway. The reason the others I specifically asked be gone aren't? "I did it, and they were back the next morning!" (Yeah, and I have 12 toes on each foot. And they are STILL there.) I had also asked for an apology for trying to hurt me on purpose.

When I asked him why he repeatedly ignores my feelings on this, he said it was because: He added them during his period of grief over his brother and best friend's deaths, (as they were added 6 months after they died, and alternatively, in typical NPD contradiction, as a response to my alleged spying on him, I don't think I agree,) and asking him to apologize for it was like asking him to apologize for grieving.

Well, the discussion went downhill from there, and in the interest of keeping this shorter than the real situation was, I'll just give you the fallout.

He is now convinced we can save this marriage. (Can't lose his supply!) He started looking for a Christian counselor immediately. (Read that to mean midday the next day.) He has been nothing but kind and solicitous to me. (Although I still have gotten nothing for my birthday.) He has entered a honeymoon phase that is unlike any we've had in a long time.

So I've got some breathing room, since he's not asking for sex because I have to, (NOT gonna happen,) is being kind, and I'm basically free of his nastiness for a while. I don't advocate playing with NPD, but there is something to manipulating it to your advantage a bit. Recently, he'd gotten very snide and snarky again, and was doing nothing helpful to me at all. Now he can't do enough... except the things I asked.

If nothing else, I got a load off my chest that I've had to carry for too long, and I got some honeymoon time to breathe. I count that as a win. Although he does nothing I asked, I knew he wouldn't, so I'm not surprised or crushed. Just glad to have some relief.

OK... Bring on the 2x4's. I live with an NPD... I can take it.

ETA: He stopped looking for counselors by the end of the next day.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:37 PM, February 3rd (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoHurt))) Good luck! Ugh, I hate these NPD bastards!

So, my NPD STBXWH didn't move out today as planned! He had the u-haul and moved his MOW into the apartment they rented together. Then he came to our house to get the bed and a few other big things (he made a bunch of trips with little stuff earlier in the week), said he thinks he made a huge mistake and wanted to think about things more before moving in with her because he thinks he made a huge mistake and wants to be with me maybe!

OMFG!!! So, he's staying at his parents' house. I hope that he will move the big stuff out tomorrow or next weekend. I just can't believe this happened, but I guess he got some N supply off of me through this process, so he wins.

I just want him out of my life.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((phmh))))) I'm sorry he's playing games with you. That SO sucks. It's difficult enough to deal with a normal person that does crap like that, but an NPD is infinitely worse. Hang in there, hon.

As far as my own goes, he suddenly decided after we watched "Courageous," that he is going to be just like the main character and do the right thing.

So he took a bunch of the hoochies off his friend list, left a bunch, and has basically extended the game. He's still being nice, though. Today, his being nice is annoying to me. Can't win for losing, sometimes. At least it's Super Bowl day, so he'll leave me alone more.

I've detached to a great degree, mostly because his treatment of me makes it easy. If I didn't keep wondering about his NPD status, it would be so much easier to deal with. That's what keeps rolling around in my head. Back and forth... is he? He is. Is he? He is. This, for me, is the hardest part.

It makes me really mad that I'm faced with so much. I had enough on my plate without the extra crap this brings. Part of me wishes I'd never read anything about NPD.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now you are having "aha" moments because of the relief and understanding you are getting. Things that just did not make sense are now starting to make sense as you understand the characteristics and traits of the disorder. The next thing you will do is start doing the "post mortem" on your entire marriage as little things that you remember that were once confusing.....suddenly come into focus. You will be able to attribute so many things to his disorder.

Prepare yourself for the next phase.....the "oh shit" moments.... That is the phase of acceptance.....accepting that he truly is disordered. Accepting that he can NOT change. He will NEVER be the person you need him to be. It hurts terribly.....almost as bad as dday. The depression and despair will return briefly from time to time. It is part of letting go.

It would be soooo simple if we could just say "oh well, he is broken.....I am done."

But if it was that simple.....that would make US NPD as well. He is not a toaster that doesn't work anymore. He is a HUGE part of your life that you have to remove. And it is not that easy to remove them from your heart and soul. You just have to keep repeating to yourself.....It is over, there is no point, I need to let go.

The reality is that this is going to take on a life of it's own....completely seperate from the infidelity. Trying to work through the infidelity with NPDs is frustrating because we have HOPE to hang onto. Which leads to despair after we try sooooo hard and get sooooo little back.

With acceptance of NPD we have to let go of HOPE. Hope is the reasonable expectation that something is possible. You will still be left with WISHING. WISHING is the knowledge that there is no possibility that something is possible but longing for it anyway.

I wish the affair never happened. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had reacted differently after dday. All these things I wish for are undoable and impossible to change.

I wish she were not NPD, And I wish I could have my marriage back fall into that category as well.....Neither has a possibility of ever happening......Just wishful thinking.

I hope you come back and read this again when you move through the "oh shit" phase. For right now.....just enjoy the relief that the "aha" phase can give you. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted....doesn't it???

Hang in there and it really helps to come here and blurt out the "aha's" and we will hold your hand when the "oh shits" start to come upon you. You are amongst a very special and strong group of people here. We have to be a little extra strong to carry the weight of THEIR disorder.....as well of the crap from their infidelity. Healing from both is an excrutiating journey.

NC is your best friend at this point. If you are in contact you will find yourself trying to reason with him.....there is NO HOPE of that ever happening.

(((Group HUGS))) to everyone unfortunate enough to be here.

Thank you Frank, that is so true!

Like all of us here I am still struggling with the fact, that my WH is NPD and 3 weeks before court date the NPD amps up.

It such a great place to be here and know you are not alone yet terrifying to see that we all seem to have the same kind of (ex)partner


((((tribe))))


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 52 | Registered: Nov 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I didn't keep wondering about his NPD status, it would be so much easier to deal with. That's what keeps rolling around in my head. Back and forth... is he? He is. Is he? He is. This, for me, is the hardest part.

I can relate, SoHurt. At first, I was so happy to have found out about NPD because it explained so much about STBXWH's behavior over the years.

He has the past for it to be true -- mental issues in family, terrible childhood including sexual abuse, and he became an MD, and I think that training brings out NPD characteristics even more.

But last night when he was apologizing for everything (do NPDs apologize?), he said he took 95%+ of the blame for issues in our M prior to the affair. He said I was wonderful, hadn't done anything to contribute to his sadness, deserve so much better than him, etc. Would an NPD be capable of saying that? Even as a manipulation tactic?

I am so confused. I know that what I need to do is divorce him, but I just feel like this all happened way too quickly.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But last night when he was apologizing for everything (do NPDs apologize?), he said he took 95%+ of the blame for issues in our M prior to the affair. He said I was wonderful, hadn't done anything to contribute to his sadness, deserve so much better than him, etc. Would an NPD be capable of saying that? Even as a manipulation tactic?

Yes, exactly. When he was apologizing for the condition I'm in, I could have believed it. Did, in fact. What I keep coming back to is this basic fact about NPD: THEY MIRROR US. If we can apologize, so can they. They just can't MEAN it. They don't have the ability to understand what they did to us, empathize, and therefore truly MEAN it. But they are, as Frank keeps telling me, Oscar worthy performers.

Mine admitted the other night that I've been the moral compass, he the rebel. That sounds great on the surface. But when he did nothing to SHOW me that he meant it, it proved to be empty, as it always is.

Sure, NOW he's deleted the obvious hoochies... but not until faced with his son's statements after watching "Courageous" together. We had some discussion after, as I like to do that with my kids. My son is very perceptive, although he appears to be afraid to show his dad just HOW perceptive. But I could see his wheels turning, and that he got a lot from the movie about just how his dad is lacking. I think he was less than impressed with WH's vow to be better.

As am I.

We've watched him say one thing and do another for so long, we know how this will go. He'll be good for a while, then he'll go right back to doing what he wants to, and expecting us to let him without complaint. I have little doubt that he will return to his normal behavior soon enough.

No, phmh, they can't apologize for real. They can reel us in like fish on a hook with their promises, but they don't mean them. It's all about holding on to the supply, to keeping the status quo. They can lie like nobody's business, and if we don't learn to read between the lines, we buy it. Mine is busy "proving" himself, but with open eyes, I can't miss the signs that it's empty. It means nothing when an NPD says anything nice. It's just another hook.

I fu@king hate the hooks. I'm still new enough to this "game" that I find myself wanting to believe, but you think I'd be tired of getting chunks ripped out of me at every turn.

(((((((((((tribe)))))))))))) I think we should have our own survivor patches.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank your insight into NPD and how we, as the BS's feel, are invaluable. Thank you.


When I find myself wishing my XWH wasn't actually an N, when I find myself, at rock bottom, questioning whether he is or isn't and when I find myself thinking "maybe I can just accept him for who is and try to settle for crumbs .."

I remind myself of one phrase I would cry out to him in frustration and despair.

I am a human being!

Id say this when my needs were ignored. Needs like needing emergency medical treatment, needs like needing comforting when my mum died. In fact when I was needy, which wasn't often because I learned real fast not to have normal every day needs, my needs would send him into an NPD rage of such cruelty I would cry out ..

I'm a human being!

I've never had to say that to another human before and when I cry this to him it shocked me every time I said it. That should have been a red flag . But I didn't know what NPD was then.

Now I can pick an NPD from 10 paces.

Make it your focus to get away from them as soon as you can.

You can't fix them. Don't be deceived by their charm and saying the 'right' things.

As my XNPDWH said one day with a smirk. "You use what works" i.e to get people to do what you want.

*shudder*


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith, I've been learning so much from so many here, and reading until my eyes blur. You all have helped me understand more than I ever wanted to, really. It's devastating to find you are married to an illusion as convincing as an NPD can be.

I would cry out ..

I'm a human being!

This is the true heartbreak, though. Knowing you aren't a human being in their eyes is so hard to fully grasp! I am a very compassionate person, and always have been. I cannot fathom how a person is simply incapable of feeling what I feel. It's beyond my understanding. WHY should anyone have to cry out they are human? Why? Intellectually, I get it. It's my heart that refuses to catch up. I've learned not to like people very much; in learning about this, I find more and more around me that are wrong-headed in some ways that I now can name. But I've discovered there are several NPD's around me - my brother is married to one.

That's just too frightening. If/when I manage to find my way out of this marriage, I will be too scared to get into another relationship. I don't want another NPD, or ANY kind of PD! Yes, I know more now, and could probably spot one... but what if I found a really polished one? I've identified that my first marriage was most likely to an NPD-WH, the two relationships after that were with NPD's, and now this WH is NPD. I am an NPD MAGNET!! The chances I'd find myself another one are just far too high. There's not enough time in this life to fix whatever the heck is that attractive. I will fix what I can, but I'll never be confident that I won't get another one. I won't risk that again.

*Shudder* is right!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I just read made me curious about NPD's-

What is your NPD's profession?

My XWNPDH is a professional pilot


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is your NPD's profession?

Mine is a physician.

I think his training had something to do with bringing out his NPD a bit -- he was not this bad before. (We met in college and I put him through medical school.)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is not a professional, although he believes himself to be. His last (longest) job was as a delivery driver, and he delivered pharmaceuticals. He considers himself a professional driver, he tells people, because:

-he did it for 9 years
-he drove (in his estimation) over a million miles
-he never had an accident (yes he did)
-he never got tickets that were his fault (he got more than a few)
Etc.

What he doesn't tell people:

-that he was an asshole to mostly everyone, unless they did nice things for him
-his bosses didn't like him, but because he would drive like a bat outta hell for them, they kept him
-a lot of the people at his stops didn't like him
Etc.

He is not a professional, but he considers himself one. Another typical NPD trait.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Physician

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has a very well-paying day job, but he fancies himself an entrepreneur. Has played with no fewer than four business ideas in the past two years alone... put varying degrees of time and money into the schemes but hasn't actually launched anything (nor, of course, made any money). He did self-publish a book 15 years ago and sold a dozen copies.

And yet people don't shower him with rose petals and gold coins whenever he lurches down the street. It's a mystery.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**sneaking in**

He's an Electronic Engineer.
Also an only child. Anyone else have an NPD only child?

He has his own side business (not in his name) that is shady and probably conflict of interest (and funded his long distance affair).

Yes, Nell he fancies himself an entrepreneur.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:24 PM, February 6th (Monday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(9)
WS: Him 49 (X...together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, he moved out Sept. 11, 2011...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
I'm finding that I am growing more and more fond of his absence.

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Simply Sad
♀ Member
Member # 18065
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is a physician, too.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Feb 2008
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was SAH for the last 5 years and periodically throughout the marriage. When we met she was doing Autocad in an engineering dept. And was very good at it. When the twins were born she did the SAHM till they started school. Then went back to Autocad with another company. After getting laid off she went back to SAHM until the kids were grown. When my income went south and we were losing everything ..... house, farm, etc. she went part time at a VET clinic and when forced to.....went full time and moved up to being a Vet Tech/Surgery Tech. When my income skyrocketed again, she quit. It was at that point that she needed more supply from me than I could or was willing to give. Her unhappiness and and entertainment became completely my responsibility. I could not do enough to keep her happy. And she did nothing to bring herself any happiness.....She felt alone and did not like being alone. So she started cheating to keep herself entertained and derive supply from others.....

Epilogue:

She has not had an affair since DDay, does not date, lives alone, has no sexual desires (I am skeptical), and is happier than she has ever been...... Uhhhh, NPD translation..... she is happier not sticking around and facing the fallout of her extremely shitty behavior. We will see how long that happiness REALLY lasts.

@Lola,

Mine is an only child also. And that was what hid the NPD from me. I always knew she was selfish, as did everyone that has known her. Many people have commented on her selfishness throughout our marriage. I always ASSUMED that it was because she was an only child of Extremely over indulgent parents.

Now I see that she is an NPD with a very disfunctional, overbearing, manipulative, controlling father and a very Passive Aggressive Mother. No wonder she is NPD. She was never good enough, never fit in. Her parents viewed her as an extension of them.....if she was the perfect child.....then they were the perfect parents. So any time she was not perfect.....she was told what an embrassment she was.....from a very very very young age. Yet they spoiled her rotten and never let her pay the consequences of her actions.

They took over her first son's life and did the same thing to him. Raised him to believe he was entitled and always made excuses for his fuckups and they were never his fault. When I would ground him for the weekend for something he had done, we would get a call from FIL on Friday afternoon letting us know that he picked him up from school and he was spending the weekend at their house. Of course, it was not DSS fault....it was me that was the ass....so not only did he not get grounded.....he got rewarded....new toys, fun outings at the go cart track or stuff like that. End result.....No consequences, no responsibility for his actions, entitlement, and a cover up so nobody knew what he had done wrong.....Guess who else is NPD in the family????? He is 40 years old and still does not do anything for anyone or with anyone unless there is something in it for him. Just told me he could walk away from his marriage and not even feel bad.......Sound familiar????

If any of you know anything about your NPD spouse's upbringing. Look at how they were treated at a young age. Try to determine if their upbringing fits with early development of NPD. It is really quite scary and upsetting when you can connect the dots. NPDs actually suffer from subconcious low self esteem. Feel that they are never good enough. Feel like they don't fit in. But it is subconcious and they are detached from that emotion so they are unaware of it. Their conscious level causes them to act to protect the subconscious inadequacies.

They stopped developing emotionally when they were young and being told how they were not good enough. They had to detach from emotions to protect themselves. My FIL would often talk about how he would spank her til he was ashamed of himself, but she would not cry. That was around ages 6 through 11. She was already broken by then.

So yes it is more common in only children, over achievers, such as pilots, physicians, etc. Most over achievers were under demands of excellence since they were born. Parents of only children have higher expectations of their only child. Add that to parents that are constantly trying to break into the next social level of society and you have the recipe for a NPD child.

As parents we all want to brag about our children's accomplishments. We are often embarassed by their actions. Most of us believe that our children are a reflection of us.....and they are. But when parents try to USE the children to compete with the Joneses, that is when the dehumanizing starts. They feel like an object.....therefore all people are objects that serve a purpose.....Sound familiar???

So that is the lesson on NPD for the day....I will stop preaching. Understanding how they turned into these monsters will help you let go of the anger....at yourself and at them. It will place the anger where it belongs......with the people that ruined them. They were not born this way....KWIM???


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank, thanks for that.

I needed it as I am wavering again about whether my STBXWH is really NPD or just has NPD traits and might be able to get better. After all, he's been attending therapy weekly for about 6 weeks now and is really getting into it. From what I've read, NPDs don't typically like therapy, so I was trying to give myself hope. (He's recently come out of the fog and is making sounds as if he wants to explore reconciliation.)

But his childhood was really messed up. He was sexually abused around ages 5-7 or so by a family member.

And his upbringing was filled with misery. His parents never knew how to show love. His mom used him as her surrogate mate since his dad worked 2nd shift (by choice) and wasn't home.

When my STBXWH had a girlfriend in high school, his mom wouldn't speak to him or set him a place at the dinner table. For months, she would give her 16 year old the silent treatment because he had a girlfriend instead of spending all of his time with her.

I have so many stories like this. It just breaks my heart because if he had a physical disability, I wouldn't leave him, so it's hard for me to convince myself that a mental problem is different.

Ugh. I hate this so much.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
ItsRocky
♀ Member
Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is a commercial pilot


Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FT was a building inspector for the large city we live in.
He was a private pilot.
Before I knew him, he was a plumbing contractor, owned a shitty neighborhood bar, and worked 10 yrs as a program writer for IBM.

After retirement until dday. He was a construction teacher at a community college and we had a small maintenance business.

He was a middle child of three. His Mom would always make him repair everything and never did anything right. His Dad died when FT was 17. His Mom made him man of the house and FT only wanted to party. He always has resented his Mom and brother.

His Mom controlled all three kids with threats of taking her money from them. He does the same with his son.

This was a case of a NPD Mom raising a NPD son. He got so angry with me one day just before dday when I told him he was exactly like his Mom. The mirror I was holding up in his face pissed him off.

gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 6:52 PM, February 6th (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
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