Yep, time. Won't make everything better, but will give you enough space to be able to see clearly. This is not time FOR HIM, this is time FOR YOU. He may use the time well, maybe not. You can't control that. You can work on yourself in IC, get involved in hobbies, learn to make yourself happy again.
I shared a feeling with WH this weekend (that we both do not take advantage of opportunities to spend time alone when the Boyos aren't around). ETA: the feeling was that I was sad/disappointed that we don't do this. WH told me that it was my responsibility/fault because he wants to take advantage of such times, then spent the rest of the day remembering all the things he has tried to do which I have cruelly not gone along with, which proves that he is perfection in pants while I am the problem in our M. I was very careful to take 50% responsibility when I brought this up BTW. Not to mention I wasn't going to bring it up until MC, but WH asked me a direct question and I answered it. The next morning (20 hours later), WH changed his tune and rephrased his words to match what I actually said. *sigh* Maybe "better late than never," or maybe "too little too late." As much as I was not looking forward to MC, I was disappointed that it was cancelled and we won't be going now until Thursday. Anyway. We did have some nice "family time" yesterday. WH will be attentive for the next week or so. Then when I am "all better" he will drop me like a hot rock. Again. It's a vicious cycle. Crisis, attention, ignore. Crisis, attention, ignore. Worked for the emotional manipulating COW... she got off on being the victim and WH got off on being Captain Superdick. Does not work for me... I don't enjoy the rollercoaster.
Speaking of which. I never saw any of the texts, IMs or emails, but I think WH and his COW had a much more traditional (though dysfunctional and juvenile) BF/GF relationship. Outside of the whole sneaking around behind wifey's back, of course. WH pretended not to be married at work (and everywhere else) so he was able to schmoop around with the COW. Which is why, I suppose, it took him four months (and my kicking his ass out) before he was finally able to kick the A habit. This is all my own post-mortem view of it, though. Admittedly, I could be completely wrong. WH doesn't ever talk about (or think about) anything A-related so I have just come to my own conclusions and since they're the only ones available, they're the ones I believe.
Anyway. I was a puddle on Friday, wondering if I was making a mistake thinking that D is the only real option, ripping my Boyos' home apart because I'm not letting myself be happy (WH's words). Prayed for (yet another) sign. Then we had the day-long "everything is Nell's fault, plus she's wrong anyway" discussion, which made me sad but was yet another nail in the big-ass M coffin. Then WH puttied over the nail and I'm no longer sure if the nail is there or if the putty is covering a hole where the nail used to be. But then I look around at all the other nails, and DAMN there's a lot of nails. Too many.
How does that metaphor work for ya?
Football tonight. I'm excited about that.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:45 AM, September 12th (Monday)]
It is very late here and I am so tired. FWH is being a dick and I just want to go to bed.
Had a quick last minute look at SI and saw your post.
then spent the rest of the day remembering all the things he has tried to do which I have cruelly not gone along with, which proves that he is perfection in pants while I am the problem in our M.
Honey, I don't know what to say. I wish I knew. I know you are so sad that he is like this. I want to find something to say to make you feel better but I don't know what it is.
Maybe , he is just a dumb dick like mine is sometimes. Their dumbness is mind blowing. I read somewhere that dumb is an illness. Some people have it and it's incurable. Try to think of his stupidity as an illness. It helps me sometimes to think like this.
I have to go. Have nothing else to offer except HUGS.
OW1 was in my house. I had to leave for a week here and there with the kids to visit my dying father. She moved right on in and played house. Slept in my bed, showered in my bathroom, ate dinner in my kitchen.
Honest, hugs for you yesterday. Mixed emotions, I guess. But you must feel so proud at the same time. I stayed off and tried to avoid the 9/11 stuff cos it’s triggery for me too, but in a different way. The day WH decided to reconnect with his old gf. So, rough day all round. I just can’t get over just how NPD your WH is. How on earth could he behave like that? Where was his heart or empathy with you at that time? Totally detached from any sense of social and ethical mores. It really is all about him, isn’t it? Un-fucking-believable.
Reality will in the end be for her living a lonely existence & her children hating her for what she has done to their family.
As for the icky texting/emailing between WS and AP, it wasn’t sexual, it was all OTT romantic crap because, unfortunately, WH was quite involved in MOW’s life, although she wasn’t in ours insomuch as she never met any of us. One thing she said to me when we met was that she was “I was part of your family and [WH] was part of mine.” No she fucking well wasn’t!!! What she meant was that she knew a great deal about me, our children, our holidays, our Christmases, she knew when my b’day was, my gym routine, my weight(!), my clothes – everything. And there was none of that “getting to know you” b/c they had been bf-gf for four years at HS and uni. So that bit was sort of skipped over and they carried on from where they had left off. So they did share an awful lot and it was not just sex. But, as njgal said, there was nothing of "substance" and in order for the relationship to develop beyond what it was, they would have to move to the next stage. WH wasn't prepared to do that.
If he hadn't confessed, it would still be going on today.
school is tiring.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:00 AM, September 12th (Monday)]
I was talking to one of the only people who knows what is going on, and she asked me point blank how I knew if he was telling me the whole truth now, maybe he was still lying.
My response, which might not make any sense at all I know, is that before Friday, I KNEW he was still lying about something (even if I didn't know what). After he finally let it out, he's been completely different.
I left for a few hours, I couldn't take it anymore. He completely freaked. I think he finally realized that whether this marriage survives isn't his choice anymore. He was terrified that I'd gone to a bar to pick up a guy. I didn't. I sat in a parking lot and cried, contemplated confronting OW1 but knew that would be a really.fucking.bad.idea. But I say good....let him worry.
Since then, he's begging. I mean BEGGING. I took my rings off and he cried. He woke up Saturday morning and had our phones switched (he was doing a lot of it on his phone, I just have a regular cell and he had a smart phone). I didn't ask him to do that.
He went out yesterday and bought a brand new bed, was up past midnight putting it together. I've never seen him this determined to do anything...and I've known him almost 20 years.
I'm hoping that these are good signs.
Hell...at this point, unless she is pregnant or burns my house down, it really can't get worse. LOL
I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
I'm going to point out now that he's FINE before I finish the story.
Anyway, Sunshine and Paddy are crying their eyes out. WH and The Pharaoh (who is also crying his eyes out) are running all around the house calling for The Pasha, looking under every piece of furniture, in every closet, etc. etc. searching the yard... finally we alert the neighbors, WH gets the keys to drive around the neighborhood, I call the cops...
And, just so you know, The Pasha is without a doubt my favorite child...
Anyway, little dude was in the house the whole time. His (bullshit) story is that he was asleep in his bed and couldn't hear us. I made him talk to the police. Hopefully they scared him a bit.
but -- there's a point. And the point is this: (a) in the midst of this I thought, "nope. the infidelity is still worse than this." and (b) I also thought "if he's dead I am so totally getting a divorce" and (c) I didn't panic even a little bit. I did call the police, but we'd searched the whole house and yard twice and it had been probably 35 minutes since anyone had seen him, so it was time. You can't wait too long on that one.
Of course, if, god forbid, he really was gone my mind might have changed on those. But point is, this stuff REALLY sucks. A LOT.
Oh, BTW, The Pasha must now explicitly tell me where he is if he's going to be out of my sight, LOL. He just did a fly-by to say "Mom, I'm going to go pee. And when I come back, I'm going to go back to the couch. See? I just told you where I'm going 2 times!"
Little stinker. We're running around like crazy saying "but I thought he was just upstairs!..." Well, he was. The whole time. Jeesh.
WH put it best: "this isn't going to be his last run-in with the cops." I hope it is, and yet...
[This message edited by m334455 at 1:16 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)]
Anyway. I'm doing Melody Beattie's Make Miracles in 40 days now. I'm guessing that will help. I can't tell you how many times in the last 2 months I've thought "I never want to feel this way again." about something or other. Sometimes baby steps is what it takes.
WYE - What a low-life, bringing the OW into your sanctuary, your personal space!! Good that you've bought a new bed. I asked my STBXH to take ours seeing as he had violated it. I also asked him whether we should also get a new kitchen benchtop but being silestone I thought it would be too difficult to remove. The f-cking nerve of that woman and him. Cyber hug coming your way.
DP - Good re the 180. Great that your MIL is in your corner too. Mine just pretends nothing has happened. Hugs to you.
UK Girl - Have you told the kids yet? They will be supportive and surprise you with their strength.
Laura - I love FDs (except the size of their sh-t), I hope he's the one that cleans out the run. Had loads of chooks for a while too until something got into their pen and massacred them all. You sound like you are getting there slowly. Hugs for your mother's b'day. Will PM you soon.
Everyone in US especially Honest: Thoughts were with you over the weekend. Prayers and love always from downunder xxx
Sorry if I've missed anyone out, I'm just trying to catch up slowly.
Land of Ellejay:
Meeting up for dinner with our three staff this evening. Going to be difficult as it will be first time I've seen them all since D-Day (they are based in another town south of Adelaide). There is an awards night this evening and my stupid fuckwit STBX has nominated once of his OW for an award. One of our staff has also been nominated in another category (hence the dinner). I won't be attending the awards although I was going to, imagining myself hurling the OW round by her hair and storming the podium in the event she wins in her category. Then I thought, no, my NPD/HPD/Moronic Dickhead ex would get off on having his "fuck" and his ex-wife in the same room, so I won't give him or her the satisfaction. Upside is the staff want to spend the evening with me rather than him which is nice. STBXH popped in to see me at home last night re work issues. He makes jokes, laughs raucously with my D in front of me as if it is all just jolly and won't we just play happy families. I want to kill !! Then he asked my 13 year old D (who sings) to sing him a song. She broke into a rousing rendition of Missy Higgins "Scar" (Laura will know the song, not sure if others will). Anyway, the irony of it wasn't lost on me, not sure if NPD even registered it. After he left I gave her a hug and she said "that's OK Mum, any time".
Angry as hell at the moment after all these months, trying to refocus on ME but it is HARD!!
Hugs to all from the Land of Oz.
(kisses from me and one from each of my kids)
In my world: X watched the kids while I went out the other night. I came home at 1:30am. Earlier in the day he had straight out asked me if I was going out on a date. When I returned he asked me a number of questions about whether anyone had tried to pick me up, etc. Some I answered vaguely & most I didn't answer. Eventually I asked him what he thought of our split - did he think it was temporary, etc. Of course he can't actually answer the question, but I think his answer is that he's still conflicted about whether he wants this marriage. He admitted that he loves me, misses me, was very jealous when I went out & thought about it the whole time ( ), wondered if I was going to do something to get back at him (which I pointed out there was nothing I could do to him which would cause him the same amount of pain as he caused me.), but by the same token, when I start yelling at the kids about "nothing", he's happy he's leaving. I pointed out to him that if he sees me getting upset & yelling that really would be the time to see what's going on & assist, not roll his eyes & run away.
He's still avoiding telling people we've split unless they specifically ask it - like that's going to happen. Our neighbor has clearly been hinting at why he's not home as much & my x bascially made up shit to conceal what was really going on. Bizarro.
Then - the best part - after I told him yesterday how relieved I am that he's not here at night (that I don't have to witness him going out, staying out, etc.), he comes to the house at 1am last night, walks in my bedroom & asks if he can stay over because he was drinking nearby & his apt was 20 min away & there really was no reason to go back to it. I quickly pointed out that the reason for going back to his apt would be because he lives there & that unless it's a life or death thing, he shouldn't be showing up at my door just cuz it's closer to his watering hole.
All I got, peace to all.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:24 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)]
... he comes to the house at 1am last night, walks in my bedroom & asks if he can stay over because he was drinking nearby & his apt was 20 min away & there really was no reason to go back to it.
, talk about a cake eating wanna be.
You know, last night we lost The Pasha.
started to choke, and get really super upset at this and then..
Couldn't find him anywhere
oh thank god.....he is just lost....thankfully, he was lost in the house and more importantly found unharmed...
so thanks for restarting my heart...
allgood: omfg....where do these ws's get their fucking balls....i want go buy some of my own...
and yay you, you handled it so well, so calm...i think i would have been a stark raving loon...
attention deficit disorder. Can't focus on anything for longer than two minutes
holy crap can i relate...wish i couldn't but i do...in a really really big way....
it because of this attention deficit disorder that i have been worried about school...cant seem to concentrate, focus or remember much including some big shit happenins....but today i gots me some hope...i took my first test, and i aced it, got a 100%...i am so damned proud....hope i do as well on tomorrows test...or at least close to it...
wye: i too hope that those signs are good ones...but please dont count on anything....he needs to earn so much more for you to get to that kind of place...
i've been in those shoes way more often then i could have ever imagined...praying for signs that i am following the right path...and i kept getting them, but still i prayed for more...it was like i wanted a sign, a real sign written out in sharpie telling me what to do....telling me that someone from up above, someone who has the real deal on "what is" and "what will be" telling me what to do...and i still got all kinds of signs....not the ones in sharpie..but the ones where i catch the lies, the ones where i found more ow, the ones where he still was "who he is"...only now i really "see" who he is and i really want to see who he could be, should be and should want to be...but clearly thats not happenin....signs...i get them all the time...
i ask very simply, am i on the right path...and bingo i find a new lie, a new friend, a new _______fill in the blank...
ukgirl: sorry your class got cancelled...can you find another???
more discord between the ranks....scary thought is school might become an escape.....i hate that...i was one of those moms who loved having her kids home, reveled in it, loved having them all around....now if pfm is around i want them all to go away....ok, i really want pfm to go away....someday...
WH is actually setting up a job interview. Please, please send up whatever karmic/prayer/good thoughts stuff you believe in to help him land this job quickly. His not having a paycheck is keeping me stuck.
Sorry about your class. What's the backup plan? Or is it just a waiting game until they offer it next term?
Could be he had an ah-ha moment that will last. Those happen. Could be he is doing whatever he can think of to fix you so that you will be over it by Tuesday. (Those are the ones I get.) Only time will tell. Watch and try not to let your moods rise or fall with WH's actions. Take care of you.
So glad The Pasha was just pulling a prank! What a stinker, though. A while ago, I printed out a topic on SI that someone who lost her infant wrote... about how finding out her husband was a WH was more devastating to her than losing her child. Hit me hard. In any event, not to turn this into a "what's worse... the worst thing you can imagine or the other worst thing you can imagine" debate. Just an I-hear-ya.
Oh, good. Another mark in the Jackass Column. I was afraid he was going to stop acting like a complete fuckwit.
Hello to you! The utter balls on your WH, nominating his [ETA: changing this word to "mistress," which is a nicer synonym for what I originally wrote] for an award! Jeez. Unless it was a quickest sink to the bottom of the lake competition, I would be appalled. I'm sure your staff is made terribly uncomfortable by this. At least.
Ah, yes, the signs. Where's the one that's 10 feet high made of steel with my name engraved on it and the words "STAY" or "RUN"? That's the one I'm looking for. This 18 months of doing nothing, refusing to give me what I want, being defensive and unsupportive and every once in a while, when I've obviously come to the end of my rope, throwing me a crumb... you know... those aren't clear enough signs. Not to mention my ability to get on with my life and enjoy everything that doesn't include WH... also not clear enough signs. Obviously. Because here I am, still dithering when all paths in the sunlight lead toward a future without WH in it, and the path WH is standing on goes directly into the Fire Swamp.
Today I have an appointment for microdermabrasion and a chemical peel to see if I can't erase some of the damage from the last couple of years from my face. That should be fun.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:45 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)]
Hope The Tribe is doing OK this morning (it's 7.30 am here in Adelaide). I'll post later on today to give you all some support once I've pulled myself out of my hole.
Gorgeous day here though. Looking forward to getting back to ME.
Love Ellejay xxxx
WYE- Your husband does sound like he is 'getting it'.
Now it's your turn to make the demands that you need to help you reconcile and trust him again.
If you need more information about the LTA now's the time to ask for it and the same for a timeline...transparency-in terms of having access to his computer passwords, cell phone, credit card bills...you name it.
If you need him to go to IC or MC...now's the time to ask him to do that.
If he is truly remorseful and wants to save the marriage he should be willing to do all of those things for you.
Elle- Too bad you never outted the OW at the workplace. Or did you?
It made me feel a bit better to know that everyone at work knew that MOW was a serial cheater and behaved totally inappropriately at work for years....
He seems to have underestimated me. Something about that woman scorned thing, eh?
He is doing everything right now (as of Friday, that is)...has been in IC since dday in July, on ADs since then too.
Giving up his phone was a HUGE thing for him. I swear he loves it like another child.
He's also spent a lot of time working on all the stuff that hasn't been done around the house...doing it all voluntarily without me asking. Putting in more time with the kids, paying more attention to my emotions, all that.
I just hope it's a permanent change and not smoke and mirrors.
and in the meantime, what are you doing for YOU...develop a proactive plan on healing you, be sure to include fun stuff...
wye: time, time and more time...he needs to earn back anything and hopefully everything....and you will remain guarded until he proves himself by creating a new history....
nell: those damn signs...im tellin ya, i still want them in sharpie...did get me some more signs today...those signs that just say stay on the path youre on signs...
pfm showed shades of old today, actually the last couple of days...not liking him too much, ok, ok...not liking him at all.....and would love to just crack him one...ok, ok would love to just crack him again and again and again...
lta roll call please...too many of you have gone really quiet for a while now....
watched the Diane Sawyer special on Jackie O.
I think the tapes are interesting, because she was only 34 when they were made. They did point out that many of her opinions changed as she aged.
I also noticed she lost three babies.
Anyway, she's a bit before my time so I found it all interesting in a very different way.
Anyway, I'm no American Icon, and I don't exactly presume to know how she felt, but the pregnancy losses, cheating, depression, etc. It all has a familiar feel, my guess is for many of us. But she lived a great life and her daughter is still obviously proud of her, so remember this is an awful experience, and yet, it will change you, but dont' let it RUIN you. :)
Thanks for asking - I am alive and well. Just so busy - pretending to be assistant principal at present.....those bloody gators.....
Every morning I wake up and am surprised that FWH is still "getting it". He has totally changed. After dday I kept expecting him to turn back into the arsehole he was during his As. I feel like I'm living in some sort of dream. I still sometimes expect it all to come crashing down. To wake up!!! But after more than a year he is keeping up the effort.
I suppose I am trying to say that there is hope. There are a few of us on LTA whose FWSs "got it" and still seem to "get it". I am still not confident that it will last. But I am hopeful. It seems so strange to think that someone can change so much. I suppose I just want to give you hope that it IS possible. It certainly seems to be the case with my FWH.
Hugs honey - I hope he keeps up the effort.
I'm so glad you decided not to go. The whore (I know Nell was being polite - unlike her when it comes to OWs - but I never am!) will get her karma. If he stays with her I'll bet he cheats on her. Isn't it lovely to imagine her feeling even a 10th of what you feel? Think of this when you are down!!! I love to imagine my FWH's whores alone and lonely since he threw them under the bus!! Just imagining them in their cold beds alone - Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside It will happen to her someday - probably sooner rather than later
I hope your FWH's dickness wore off
Yes he got over it. One thing I often think since dday. Whatever they have done - and they did stuff up MONUMENTALLY - they ARE human! They are allowed to stuff up sometimes. I think it is a matter of looking at the big picture. Are they genuinely remorseful? Are they really sorry? Do they really want to make you happy now? If the answer is Yes I feel we have to allow them to make mistakes at times. They should try really hard. If they stuff up a little from time to time we need to put it into context. If we were in a real relationship - untainted by infidelity - how serious would their dickness be?
I guess i'm just saying we should keep it all in proportion.
I try to do this. I don't always succeed and then I have a tantrum but I suppose that's the price he has to pay!
I quickly pointed out that the reason for going back to his apt would be because he lives there & that unless it's a life or death thing, he shouldn't be showing up at my door just cuz it's closer to his watering hole.
Way to go honey. You rock!!!! (I had girl but as FWH called OW3 girl I had to change it - f'n triggers!!!! )
Nice to have you back. The Pasha is just making sure of your love!!! The crankier you are the greater your love - attention seeking I suspect.
Sometimes I think that we LTAers can't see the forest for the trees. Your FWH and his whore were close for how long?? They shared intimate details about their lives? They had this wonderful "LUUUUUUVE". Then tell me. Why aren't they together??? Honey it's because deep down he knows she is a POS. No matter how hard they tried to create a REAL relationship - it was never going to happen because of what she is. Somewhere in his dull FT subconscious your FWH knew this. I suspect he may now be finally realising what he has. Maybe that is why he doesn't trigger. She (and their past relationship) really means nothing to him now. WYE worries about smoke and mirrors but maybe that was what they were both seeing???
I'm buggered (aussie slang for exhausted, worn out etc) so i have to go. Sorry I have not responded to everyone.
Try to stay content.
Love to all
Edited because I'm tired and made lots of mistakes!
[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:01 AM, September 14th (Wednesday)]