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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he wants to know how I feel, but the obvious truth is that he doesn't. He shuts down, walks away, can't handle it. He wants to know what I'm feeling only if those feelings are good or neutral. He doesn't really want to know how much he has hurt me, how much he has messed up.

WYE - One of the major personality flaws IMHO of most if not all of LTA FWS' is that they are major "conflict avoiders." It's what got them into trouble in the first place. They run from any kind of confrontation. They used their LTA's as a means to avoid dealing with whatever they believed was lacking in the M - they didn't want to work on it - they chose instead to avoid the confrontation only to make a potentially resolvable situation even more impossible and to make matters worse, continue to try to avoid more conflict. As if they can.

Miracle loves me to tell this story so I'll tell it again - sorry to those who have heard it before.
My H also had the same attitude (most do )about not wanting me to bring up the past.
So one day in C'ing he said to our MC, "Why can't she just get over it? It's in the past." Our MC swung his chair right up to my H and face to face, nose to nose, said very emphatically, "It was 8 fucking years, Mr. FNF, 8 fucking years." Let me tell you, that had a major effect on my H. I loved my MC for that! Not literally though.
So none of us would ever see this as a pity party. We all know, understand and can relate to you. Take the rest of the day and try to do something good for yourself. Hot soaks, good music, lunch with a friend or just keep venting here.
(((WYE)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:48 AM, September 15th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, whoops, sorry I did not reply on that. I too like that song, and I guess in a way I am just waiting for the fog horn to signal my direction and way to a safe harbor.

Has anyone experienced this after R. More info that is not what I was hoping for?

No, but this is my fear. I know (because she has said so) FWW has withheld details. In the 4 pages of details she did give me she summarized a 2+ year A in less than a page. It hurts me that she continues to hide these things. I understand that she is ashamed and does not want to face them, but all I have asked for since dday is honesty.

ETA:

...FWS' is that they are major "conflict avoiders."

yep!

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:51 AM, September 15th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..please continue with the roll call peeps

Here!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf -- good call on where is Tryn.

I remember him saying he was going to try to check up on us less, so I wasn't thining as much about it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

I AM HERE! Baby Paddy = 18 months!!??. Amazing. I have been up to my ass in gators and also deer. I had 12 fawns in my yard a few days ago. Add in the mothers and this was a setting for many fights. Pretty entertaining. To borrow Nell's description I have also been mush-brained lately. I have been dealing with some people who can barely think fast enough to keep from shitting in their pants. It wears on a person.

fnf.

I think tryn is off on a trip or something. Unlike me he is is always doing something cool like that. He may be searching for the holy grail of charts & graphs.

Are you still having those hot dreams? On the other side of that coin, I had a major mind movie recently. It was a bad one. I was driving to a store and this movie just came out of the blue. No reason that I am aware of. It just hit like lightning. Scary/strange stuff.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank god someone is bringing the good tissues....my face is all chappy now.

Dammit, this sucks. I am a freaking mess.

I think I just might have a crying on the bathroom floor kind of day.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a major mind movie recently. It was a bad one. I was driving to a store and this movie just came out of the blue. No reason that I am aware of. It just hit like lightning. Scary/strange stuff.

Hmm - anything you want to talk about?? A related or otherwise?? Our mind can play some crazy tricks on us sometimes.
As for me, no more dreams. Ah well, they were fun while they lasted.
Btw, loved the Tryn comment. You do crack me (and the rest of us) up.
ATS - I was wondering if maybe the fact that you were able to reduce your mortgage and that your W might possibly be getting a job soon will change your decision to sell your boat. We all know how much you love it and how peaceful it is for you. Hopefully with a few positive financial changes (and maybe a new job for you as well) you can take your boat off the market before someone does give you an offer you can't refuse.
ETA - Wye - we cross-posted. Just wanted to send you some more hugs. As Miracle said, purge. Let your emotions out and hopefully by tomorrow you'll feel better. (((((((WYE)))))))
Here's hoping!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:11 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember him saying he was going to try to check up on us less

Well if this is the case and he's not on vacation, he'll be back. We all try but can't seem to stay away for long. It's just too damn comforting to be with you all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would LOVE it if his therapist would get in his face like that.

His therapist is as much a conflict avoider as he is. I think he needs a new one. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
If_I_Knew_Then
♂ Member
Member # 32968
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O Hai!

Just saw this thread. Mind if I sit in? I've got six year of 'qualifications'.


Me: BH 50
Her: WW 50
2 Adult kids
D-Day #1 (3 parts) 03
D-Day #2 6/11

Posts: 728 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf.

I hate to hear that about your dreams. I was wanting you to share how you were able to have them and better yet how you were able to remember them. I am afraid that I am having HOT dreams but not remembering them.

I think my brain was just full so it decided to vent the mind movie. I was on a road that was just built a few years ago going to a store that is not quite as old as the road, so there was nothing there to trigger this A related movie. BTW my brain has limited capacity since I killed off many, many brain cells in my youth.

It IS hard to be away from the LTA house. I think M3 said it was like Hotel California, you can check out, but......


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE - absolutely! If this w IC is a conflict avoider too your H needs to start looking for a new one. Have you met this guy or could your H just be giving you his take on the sessions? My H hears what he wants to and there are times I wonder how it's possible for him to misinterpret something so badly. Just wondering if this is a possibility with your FWH??
IfIKnewThen - welcome - and of course you may sit in and what's more, you have a few great male companions here too. This is pretty unique from my earlier days and a great change to our little corner of SI.
Dip - (which you are not btw and far from it ) I remember all of my dreams the good and the bad. Sorry about your mind movie. They do suck especially when they don't seem to be trigger-related. Hopefully this one was just a fluke and there will be no more for a long, long time, if ever.
My latest dream was actually about the OW. I asked her how many years she was f'ing my H and she told me 19 years. Strangely, this dream didn't upset me and I was fine the next day. I think after LTA's it takes a long, long time for us to stop the mind movies and the nightmares. Just getting to a place where we still think and dream about them without too much of an emotional response is progress.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've gone with him to see the therapist twice.

I know that WH lied to him too before, that's why I went thr first time.

How the hell is therapy supposed to help if he's lying there too???

I swear, it's got to be pathological.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized last night that the mind movies I have never involve OW.

I don't obsess about what he did with them or where or what he said to them or any of that.

But all the times he lied to me, said he was somewhere else, missed things with the kids, ignored my needs, wasn't here....those all keep running through my head. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were posting a few of our favorite songs the other day and I thought of this one after reading your posts today WYE. This is one that I asked my H to listen to and to let me know when he really felt this. I wanted and needed to be The Reason and knew that before R with him was possible he had to "get this."
WYE - I hope this song helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGs8vtjDxxY


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

You know....I thought I was doing okay there for a few days. Once he finally told me the truth about everything, I felt a little relieved....like at least I wasn't crazy, you know?

But this pregnancy has just thrown me for a loop and I feel like I'm stuck in a really bad place.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this pregnancy

So are you pregnant then? I thought from reading your post that you were just thinking about becoming pregnant.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I am not. My sister in law is. (The one that I had to go watch get married right after dday)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh - my mistake. I did want to comment on that post too. My DD got married 3 months after my initial d-day. I sat there and cried as they exchanged vows. It took all my energy to be happy for her that day and not want to grind my H into the sand (they were m'd on the beach). I know exactly how you were feeling.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him about the therapist, and he said he'd start calling other ones tomorrow.

The therapist watched him lie to my face last week, didn't once try to get WH to be a little more forthcoming or remind him to be truthful. Apparently, he also told him that while telling the truth was best, it was ultimately his choice. My ass. He's getting a new therapist.

I have been such a mess all day, just now got around to taking a shower. I get out and see a new message in my email. From WH.

A love letter. Telling me all the things he loves about me and why he wants to fight for me.

He hasn't written me anything like this ever. Not in the almost 20 years I have known him.

I want to believe that he is capable of doing the right things, really I do.

It's just so goddamn hard. All.the.time.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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