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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
fallen angel
♀ New Member
Member # 33219
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I posted a few times a few weeks ago, but haven't checked in because after the shock started wearing off more, the pain was just so unbearable, I couldn't stand reading about some people reconciling. Sorry

Anyway, just a question. WH has had 2 affairs; 1st was 1 year long about 7 years ago and the most recent 4 1/2 years ago. He admitted to the affair and moved out because he was sure he wanted to be out of the marriage, but he wanted time to think. In the past weeks he says he's still confused but still carrying on with the PA. We started MC (3 sessions and another scheduled) and he says he loves me and never meant to hurt me and feels bad--but still not ready to reconcile. Do you think there is really any hope of him snapping out of it at this point. I got pretty pathetic last week and invited him to dinner almost every night because the kids wanted to see him, and so did I. He still wants to hold my hand and hug, but he has been emotionally detached for months and our sex life went down to about zilch in the last several months. I think he is too addicted to the affair and the emotional connection with the OW for any hope of it ending anytime soon. How long do you hold out hope if you finally start 180???
Thanks for listening to my rambling.


Me-BW 42
Him--WH-40
Kids, 14, 12, 6
Married over 19 years
D-Day 8/27/11
A1--7 yrs ago for 1 year
A2-ongoing 4 1/2years
He doesn't know what he wants

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011
fallen angel
♀ New Member
Member # 33219
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops--meant to say last affair has been going on for 4 1/2 years--still current.


Me-BW 42
Him--WH-40
Kids, 14, 12, 6
Married over 19 years
D-Day 8/27/11
A1--7 yrs ago for 1 year
A2-ongoing 4 1/2years
He doesn't know what he wants

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is still seeing her, then R isn't on his radar. I'm sorry.

He sounds pretty foggy.

I didn't do the 180, but this sounds like a situation where it may be what you need.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen - so sorry for what you are going through. If he doesn't know what you want, there's not much you can do to change that. Take care of yourself. Go to IC. Go to MC if you want. But be very, very careful. Everyone wants the happy ending - the intact family, mom, dad & kids. But bear in mind that your WS is high risk. And his current attitude - that he doesn't know what he wants - is not very comforting. Why would YOU want to be with someone like that? No need to rush to any decisions, but just something to think about.
I wanted R - tried to R for 1 1/2 years & then gave up. The ugly reality of a LTA combined with a less than remorseful & committed spouse is just fatal to any chance to R, know matter how much the BS may want it.
This may just be me being jaded, so take it for what it's worth. But, focus on you & your child(ren). And, don't beat yourself up for not being able to go cold turkey with your H. This is all new to you. YOu didn't want to end the marriage. It's an awful lot to process. It's going to take awhile to get to the point where you can hold your head high and walk away if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass.

Be well. Read a lot here. It will help you process things more readily than on your own. So much of us here on SI have such similar stories.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
fallen angel
♀ New Member
Member # 33219
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I know he is in a fog. I really did/do want to reconcile, but the longer he keeps this affair up, the longer he shows me what little respect he has for me as a person and our family. This is all so crappy. He has been texting me all day about what he and the kids are doing this weekend at a friends lake house and wanting to know how I am doing??!! Really?! I have ignored him all day except to ask when the kids will be home. All I want to do is pack all his stuff and go into our wine cellar that I installed for him as a birthday gift 4 years ago and dump several hundred bottles of wine down the drain. Petty but he cares more for the wine than for what he did to his family.


Me-BW 42
Him--WH-40
Kids, 14, 12, 6
Married over 19 years
D-Day 8/27/11
A1--7 yrs ago for 1 year
A2-ongoing 4 1/2years
He doesn't know what he wants

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen:

I can't be that difficult for him to decide what he wants. How dare he torture you like this. He's putting you in a situation where your future all depends on what he wants, he feels he has the "cards" so to speak. Unbelievable. Time to deal him a new hand. This is absolutely where you can do the 180 if you are up to. Problem is, you've had a grenade thrown at you and probably feel you are still caught in the crossfire. On the other hand, HE has had many years by the sound of it to get used to his A and the potential consequences. You are still in catch-up mode.

I hope you can find the strength to get your power back. Thinking of you.

Much love

Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fallen: welcome back, and most of all go easy on yourself....you have been through your own personal 9/11....the feelings you have, had and will have will be a rollercoaster and quite raw.....

take care of you first and foremost....learn how to breathe...the breathing where you sit down, ALONE, take a deep intake through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth...it will help you regain some of whatever it is you lost in the moment...warning though it may take a few breaths to do it, but it does work....its one way to calm oneself to be able to cope with what ever shit is being flung....and i get the sense that you need that extra moment just to catch your breath....so take it...


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen -- I have a great book by Michelle Weiner Davis that addresses this situation.

The Divorce Remedy. She also has one called Divorce Busting -- but the first one I've mentioned is better.

UKG, sorry to hear your course was canceled!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post a lot, but needed to today.

9 years ago on Sept 19th 2002, I sat outside xw/ow apartment in my bff's neighbors truck and watched my husband go inside her house. He stayed for over 8 hours and when he came out, they hugged and kissed.

I didn't confront him, I wanted to gather more information. I watched and waited but he covered his tracks really well.

I didn't confront until she called on April 4 of 2004 and he denied, denied, denied. He still hasn't told me the complete truth.

Today is just another day to him, not the day my world ended and my nightmare coming true.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Cool  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a quote from Ladya in the R forum.

Thought it would help all of us!

I

finally made a decision to be happy. I made a decision to forgive FWH awhile ago. I made a decision to love him awhile ago. Even with love and forgiveness though, I still wasn't happy. I decided this morning that I will made the decision to be happy. I am not going to go down the rabbit hole as often. I am going to remind myself that I love FWH, he loves me and I deserve to be happy. I won't let myself think as often about his affair. It's not worth it. FWH has turned into a new person because of the affair. I will be happy with that person. The affair will still linger like a cloud sometimes. I am just going to work harder chasing it away. I have been doing this for awhile but I will be more diligent at it.Life is too short to be sad all the time. Of course, I can say that 16 months out. I couldn't even think it at this time last year.


Tring to be positive, again and again.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Going To Make It
Today is just another day to him, not the day my world ended and my nightmare coming true.

Have you told your H this? Today? Begin the communication that can lead to healing. Share your feelings. Not to punish him, but to reinforce the emotionally intimate relationship you are trying to rebuild if you are in R. I too had a 2.5 year gap from when I first suspected her A till dday along with other trigger dates. FWW focuses only on the dday too.
(GTMI)

fallen angel

...moved out because he was sure he wanted to be out of the marriage, but he wanted time to think. In the past weeks he says he's still confused but still carrying on with the PA. <snip> and he says he loves me and never meant to hurt me and feels bad--but still not ready to reconcile.

This is classic cake eating. He is not confused, he knows exactly what he wants and he is getting it. A comfortable relationship with you and an exciting and erotic relationship with his AP.

No, he never meant to hurt you, but he does not care if he does hurt you either. He does not care about how you feel, only how he feels. If he is not ready to reconcile, why are you?

Do you think there is really any hope of him snapping out of it at this point.

No, he has the best of both worlds. An AP telling him how wonderful he is and providing for his physical needs, and you to take care of his kids and to fall back on if the A ever fails.

You cannot control your WS, only yourself. This is a difficult time, but you need to think about our path out from the Hell your WH has placed you in. Hope and the 180 are different things. The 180 is for you to find your path for you and the kids and to begin taking steps that direction. Visit an attorney to figure out your legal rights. What will you need to live separate from your WH? Are your kids being provided for? You can hope that at some point your WS will get his head out of his ass, but until then you have to begin to take care of you and the kids. If he ever does get his head cleared and decides he wants to be back with you (and you still want him back), then you can hope that he is able to do the internal work to figure out why he has turned to OW for affirmation/sex/whatever, and do the hard work to keep this from happening again. Meanwhile, your focus needs to be on healing yourself and caring for your family.

Sorry, this may sound a little harsh fa, but there is no hope until he decides he no longer wants his AP (or she no longer wants him). Right now, he has nothing to lose.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told your H this?

Yes, several times in the 7.5 years. I guess that's why it hurts so dam much.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
fallen angel
♀ New Member
Member # 33219
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the good advice. I am so weak with wanting normalcy back in my life. I know what he is doing is awful. My kids are suffering. My 12 year old DS is withdrawing, my 14 year old DS is throwing things, and my 6 year old is just confused. I just hate the thought of divorce and them going through hell and what not. The 180 is hard when all I want to do is cry, pace and obsess about what is happening. I can't seem to snap out of it myself. I still have lingering hope, because the absence of that is a deep dark pit.

You all are so strong. I know I am strong, too, but I have lost the connection of how to get back to that person in me.


Me-BW 42
Him--WH-40
Kids, 14, 12, 6
Married over 19 years
D-Day 8/27/11
A1--7 yrs ago for 1 year
A2-ongoing 4 1/2years
He doesn't know what he wants

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FA - Your DD is very recent. I am 2 years out and even though from the very beginning my FWH said the A's were nothing, he loved me always, went NC (or so he said), begged me to stay, took 100% of the blame etc. he also minimized, compartmized and everything else. I dug and found out other terrible things he was hiding - including an ongoing relationship with a prostitute and 2 EA's. If I had to do it over I would have kicked him out, continued to dig, 180 him and TAKEN CARE OF MYSELF!!! My kids were older. Please, please find a good IC. Keep looking until you do. 180, 180, 180. Kick him totally out - keep the wine, change the locks, see an attorney, protect yourself. Make it perfectly clear to him that you will not live with this situation and will prepare to divorce him. I know it's hard but do this for you and your kids. Get all the support you can from family and friends - yes, tell them if appropriate (I wish I would have immediately) and DO NOT put up with his cake eating BS. If what you want is to save your marriage that's fine but do it on your terms or you will be living in a never ending hell. I am sorry to be so harsh but I so wish I would have realized this long ago. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong and keep coming here for all the support and good advice from the tribe!


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

…wanting normalcy back in my life

Unfortunately, you have a new normalcy now. There is no going back, only forward.

You all are so strong. I know I am strong, too, but I have lost the connection of how to get back to that person in me.

fa,

I remember very little from the 3 months following my dday 2 years ago, virtually nothing. I cannot remember T-giving, or Xmas. I vaguely remember a festival the week after dday and feeling numb. I do know that I dropped a lot of weight the first 6 months. I post this to point out I was not strong, it took over a year for healing to occur that gave me strength and confidence.

This is what the 180 is for, to get you back to whom you are and again embrace your strength. I, and many others, have found that IC can help us to do this. So can having a separation agreement prepared, if applicable in your state, to spell out rights and responsibilities for childcare, insurance, expenses, etc.

There is good information on the 180 here at SI. In addition, the Not Just Friends book by Glass and Sexual Detours by Heins are both excellent books to read to help you understand how and why the A occur, and how to begin to heal yourself.

((fa))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen - I'm sorry that your kids are struggling. That's heartbreaking. I hope you are taking them to someone either inside or outside school so they can get some help. Please bear in mind that moving forward with s/d is not necessarily worse than staying together under these circumstances. As you said, they are already struggling - give them a way to move forward too - you don't want to see them suffer with you while you all wait for your WS to grow up.
I also think you would be able to concentrate more on your own healing if he wasn't around you so much, especially as you know he is still in contact with the AP. That's just torture - having to wonder what he's up to. You would be better off with a bit more space - even if it means him moving out of your bedroom, etc. until something else can be worked out.

When I discovered my X had broken NC (discovered they had been in daily contact for 2 weeks soon after DDay), 1st I told him it was over, then the next day, I said maybe it was unrealistic for him to abruptly end a long term relationship like that. But I also told him I would have nothing to do with him until he broke it off with her & set some ground rules about how to live together, including basic respect items such as not calling OW in our house, near our kids or otherwise shoving the fact that he was still in contact with her in my face. Maybe you could start there.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:38 PM, September 19th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
fallen angel
♀ New Member
Member # 33219
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I called him at work and said he needed to tell me after work if he was ending the affair or if he wanted a divorce. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I am pretty sure he is going for divorce. And I am beginning to wonder if he has been plannning something all along. Neurotic maybe. So so scared.


Me-BW 42
Him--WH-40
Kids, 14, 12, 6
Married over 19 years
D-Day 8/27/11
A1--7 yrs ago for 1 year
A2-ongoing 4 1/2years
He doesn't know what he wants

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen:

You are not neurotic. Calling him at work though just gives him more power and enforces the fact that he still has choices. If you don't start the 180, this could go on for months, years with you in hell and him holding the power that he can just go to Plan B at anytime. A bomb has gone off in your life and you are still in flight or fight mode which is normal. He doesn't appear to be showing remorse in the true sense because if he really valued his family he would have cut off all contact immediately, no question.

Your job is to provide stability for your kids now and for them to know that you will be consistent even if their father is acting like a child. You love this man but he is clearly showing love for himself at present only. I'm sorry to say that because you are so hurt but it is true.

My advice is to get him out of your space i.e. the house so you have time to breathe and get your thought processes in order. You need to give him a taste of what life would be like without you. My heart goes out to you.

Going to Make It:

I don't know how you managed not to confront him for all that time. You were very patient now it is his turn. Let him know what this date means to you and how you are still struggling with all this. Did you go to MC? If not, please suggest it seeing as he is still not telling you the truth. If he won't go, get yourself to IC so that you can heal even if he wants to still live in denial.

Hugs to everyone.

Love Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fallen-
another book that might be helpful for you is 'Love Must Be Toough' by James Dobson. He's a Christian author and is heavily in favor of trying to save the marriage...but, in cases like yours where the wayward spouse thinks he is 'in luv' with the OW and wants to leave the marriage or is not sure...then Dobson gives some really solid advice on how and why to do the 180. How you have to use a tough love approach with your wayward husband to even have a chance at reconciling.
Dobson says don't beg or plead for your husband to stay. Because the more you cling the more he will pull away. He compares the foggy WS to a teenager rebelling against his parents.
In this case..the marriage and family represent reality and the affair represents fun and fantasy...
The more you hold on the more trapped he feels...instead open the door and tell him that he has the choice to leave now.
Tell him he has a choice...the OW or you.
That you will not be disrespected any longer...
There's more to it but thats the major premise of the book.

Sorry that you are going through such a painful time.
And like Ats says...most of us on LTA were not that pulled together right after d-day. I was another BS that was a complete wreck after d-day and did spend that time...in a daze.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was (and still am) often a mess. On dday, I was a little surprised how clearly I was thinking though. When I kicked him out, I did it calmly. Told him I was taking the kids so they wouldn't see him leave, then I cleaned out the bank account.

If only I could have been that strong in the days and weeks that followed.

He was immediately remorseful, threw OW to the wolves, but the TT went on anyway for a looong time.

We are doing good now, at least most of the time. I think. I've known from the beginning that I couldn't change him. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him pick me. I couldn't make him do anything.

It's a hard thing to realize that no matter what you may want or need from someone else, you can't ever rely on it.

It's hard to be strong.

(((Fallen)))

As for me....I'm waiting out the birth control recall debacle of 2011. Story of my life....I HAVE to fall into the 2% of the market included in the recall. Of course.

In a weird way, though, I think it would be okay if I was pregnant. I guess it would have to be!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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