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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Worst. Dip its not just us horny older men thinking this way.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Chart says about 85% of single women over 50 haven't had sex in past year.

As far as I know FWH's OW2 and OW3 are both now single.

Therefore a good chance they haven't had sex in the past year

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep.

Well, I was interested in the 60+ married men and I have to say that the 4 or more a week is possible. That survey showed zero in that area. Must have been old people acting old in that survey.

Thanks for the input worst.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

I wonder when that survey was done. If it was before viagra those 60+ numbers may be true. It also could be that many men do not want to pay the almost $20 a pill price.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to me, people must have desire before sex happens. So I conclude that if no sex is happening, this means no desire... at least by one person.

Laura, I would bet you a gold nugget those OW aren't having sex very often.. Heck, my single friends say they don't get near as much as when they were M.

Oh well, how's Nell? What did that D attorney say?

Allgood, I hear ya... No extra drama needed.

captiva... thanks for sharing the blog. I will read them all.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:43 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all my fellow LTA survivors. I don't know each of you anymore. A couple of years back I was one of the regulars. Every once in a while I poke my head in and snoop around a little. Just thought I would tell yall that I am 5 1/2 years out from Dday and it's not so bad at all anymore.
Five years ago I did not know if I would live this long. My pain was so bad that I did not see how I could carry on. I stayed in a deep black hole for days on end. When I was able to climb out and see some light, I always fell back in. My rollercoaster ride was sickening. I had thoughts of S. I drew into a shell and cut the rest of the world out for days and weeks at a time. I spent more time curled up in bed than out. So on and so on.
I tell you that so that if you are in that stage of this LTA survival journey, IT DOES GET BETTER. I didn't believe that 5 years ago, but now I am living proof that the pain WILL stop. And I do know the pain. My H's LTA was anywhere from 8 to 10 to maybe even 14 yrs, who knows. And who cares anymore. And we are still together. The A does enter my mind on occassion, but that's about as far as it goes. I never fall down into that deep pit of sorrow anymore. I don't trigger anymore. I don't rant anymore. I don't ask questions anymore. I may go so far as to say that I don't hate OW anymore but I do want to keep it real here.
I know my post is just some rambling. But I hope it may be just what somebody needed to see today.
Good Luck to Each of You!!
It Will Get Better

FSA

[This message edited by Feeling so alone at 11:16 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)]


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FSA

Welcome back. It's always great to hear from members of the tribe who've been here for a while.

Thanks for your words of support. Hearing stories like yours always gives me a little more strength and courage to face the monster which has taken over my life.

I am so happy for you. I know there is no "perfect fairy tale happy ever after" - the past has changed all that - but people like you do show that it does get so much better.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FSA, long time, no see! Glad to read you are doing fine.

Hmm. Not sure what to make of the chart. I wonder if any of us represent what is “normal” anyway……

Anyhoooo. Briefly, we had a major row this morning. I found a mess on his personal phone last night that he had kept. It was a number with no name attached and the mess was “X” sent at 10:32pm Saturday night. And I blew up at him this morning. He had “no idea” who it was and gave me his phone to call it. It went straight to the messaging service, so I left a mess asking who it was and handed it back.

He insisted he had nothing to hide, so I went off on one about going to M*H* without telling me. His reason? He knew how I would react. Well fuck me, there’s a good reason to hide something. I suggested he could have met bitchface after the meeting, he said no. Well, he would do, wouldn’t he? So he reckons that NOT telling me and then me finding out way after the event is better than telling me in the first place. What this demonstrates is his HUGE conflict avoidance. No wonder we never talk about our marriage. We haven’t actually talked about “us” for three years or more.

What he really wants is for all of this to go away. If we end up splitting, it will be because HE can’t be honest and open and that is the reason for all the doubt and mistrust. He just can’t see it - and he won’t talk about it.

Njgal, I can’t put a keylogger on his computer – it belongs to the company and is connected to their server. He is on the phone all the time in the car – he does 35-40,000 miles a year. And I have no access to his company BB records anyway. A tracker? That would tell me nothing. Most of the time he would be at the hotel he said he was staying at – he just omitted to tell me his gf was with him. A PI would be hugely expensive – full time and stayaways. While I don’t have money worries, I don’t have that sort of money to spend on what could be nothing. And, it is a company car.

I’m off for a long weekend. Without fWH.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

So very sorry you are feeling this way

Thinking of you tonight

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UK.. I wish you weren't going through all this.
He had “no idea” who it was
I must say, that is ridiculous. To know that I have well over 300-400 contacts in my blackberry and I know every number. It might take some thought, but I would be able to figure it out who and about when I made contact.

PROTECT your boundaries no matter how hurtful, no matter scared, no matter how pissed he gets at you! I have the same boundary.

"I will not be M to a person who needs to hide relationships. Business or personal!" Period.

Now that you have made it known this is not acceptable, he will change something. I just hope he can change to explain and be open.. who was that service with? What company? why didn't he have the courage to tell you his plans to near OW house? He needs courage to be able to take your insecurity. Good luck.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl:

He insisted he had nothing to hide, so I went off on one about going to M*H* without telling me. His reason? He knew how I would react

This is what I thought at the time. And, the reason that was my initial thought is because that is exactly what my x would do, what he did do too many times during our R. I'm not telling you you will end up like me, but it was a significant contributing factor to my decision to s/d. I could not have impressed upon him more that the most important thing is total honesty. If you are caught leading a double life, you are obviously an excellent liar & probably very comfortable lying, all the time. It was important to me to see that he had changed.

I know I don't have to spend too much time convincing you his response is total bullshit.
He is lying to you by omitting something he knows you will find significant: that is unacceptable.
Knowing his planned action would upset you - he did it anyway: Unacceptable. He is putting his needs, etc before yours and before his M.

I think too many of these guys compare what is "ok" in a normal marriage to one that is struggling for survival after an LTA and quickly conclude that we are being unreasonable in some of our expectations.

Conflice avoidance? Yes.
The thought scared the crap out of me. It's the same kind of thinking that lead to the LTA.

NOw, in my case, my x had basically no empathy for how these events made me feel - so there was really no way we could R. I wasn't going to be able to relax and be happy in the relationship until he stopped doing things to threaten my security.

So, was your H empathatic? Did he take your concerns seriously? How does this fit into the big picture?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
captiva
♀ Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg, thats the worst bit about this stuff, THEY JUST DON'T GET IT - they think better to not say anything and chance you won't find out, than be open and transparent

<sigh>


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve checked the number on his online private account. Nothing. Not this month, not last month. But the doubter in me says he could carry it on his Blackberry. He never had MOW’s number in his contacts list, he knew her number by heart so it didn’t need to be in his address book. So the nagging suspicion hasn’t fully gone.

However, he did come home for lunch and we went out. It was a stunning day here, so we sat outside. He kept saying he had nothing to hide and that there was nothing to tell. He kept the message in case the number came up again…. But no, he had no plans to tell me - there was nothing to tell, so what was he going to say? That this random “X” message was on his phone? Okay, so if you have nothing to hide, why not tell me. Or simply delete the message. Because keeping the message was showing he had nothing to hide. What kind of stupid logic is that? And the meeting at M*H* was business and no, he didn’t meet her afterwards, the venue was suggested by the supplier. So why not tell me. Because there was nothing to say, other than it was M*H* and he knew that would upset me. Fucking Hell. When is he going to get that NOT telling me is the problem? This business that he is still withholding information, he is the one in control of what I know, he is the one who decides what is in my best interests?

He doesn’t think he has conflict avoidance issues. Until I pointed out that he continued to send placating texts to MOW in the hope that she would “get bored and go away.” And then he said something about how she could be……but that wasn’t the case with me. Oh, so what was it then? Okay, a bit, he didn’t want to upset me. So “you want to avoid conflict and confrontation with me”. No, I want us to move forward together……..

JUST TELL ME!!!!! Reminding myself of an old quote: “Lying creates inequality……you have acted as if there were two classes of humans: you, with the right to lie, and everyone else, who must be truthful to you so that you too will not lose your way.”

Sometimes I wish we could have one of those huge clear the air, get everything out on the table, you want ugly, I’ll give you ugly scenes. But, he doesn’t want to “upset” me. Guess that would ruin the “saintly” (as he told MOW) image he has of me.

Right. I’m off. Have a great weekend everyone. I sure as heck am going to. No internet, just sea air, sunshine and girly chat. (((((My Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ukgirl))))

i wish i had words, advice or even a good hitman, but sadly i gots none of those, i just gots hugs


((((ukgirl))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..... I think I've been more than patient.... where IS everyone today?!?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I wonder if they all had a get together and forgot to invite Allgood & Dip?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if they all had a get together and forgot to invite Allgood & Dip?

Either that or they are planning a surprise party for us!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, October 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{UKgirl}}}}

Are you in IC? This seems to be a turning point for you. YOu have said before that you are staying with WH because you like him enough and you get along. BUT, from your posts, this is not enough for you. You NEED to find out for sure what is going on. Either you hire a PI, dispite the cost for your own peace of mind, or trail him yourself with a borrowed car from a friend.
You need to make a decision. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in doubt and detach yourself enough that you don't care, or S/D?
It's not as simple as it sounds. I've come to realize that no one is really happy completely. There is always something that drives a person crazy.
My neighbor worries about money and I feel she is envious of me that NPD is still paying the bills. She is and has been supporting herself and 5 kids for years on end.
I don't know if I'm talking about "settling" per se...but realism. Ann Landers, an old time columnist giving advice in the US used to say simply: "Are you better off with him or without him?"
I used to smile at the simplicity of this advice, but in reality, it is sound.
Only you can answer this question. It is a question that I have been trying to focus on lately.

For now, for me, I am better off with the status quo until I can get back on my feet. But everyone is different. We have to take all things in consideration.
It is not an easy decision.

I do want in the future, for my own peace of mind to be free completely of NPD. It cannot be so because of the kids. I want to strive to be as financially independent as possible. I am detaching, although I do know I can so easily fall into the emotional traps he lays.

In honest land: Mom is still in the hospital. They gave her an oral antibiotic in addition to the IV antibiotic and she had a reaction to it with a whole body rash. So they gave her steroids to combat the rash. Now, she has had another reaction called: steroid psychosis. Yes, that is it. She is now hallucinating and seeing and talking to people who aren't there, doesn't know where she is and poor lady, who is really very smart and logical has told me that "they" are making a movie and everyone has different parts and the things she is seeing (wispy, ethereal, feathery images) are special effects.

Supposedly, this will only last for a few days as a side effect as they are lowering the dosages, and giving other meds.

The crazy thing about all this? It's easier for me to deal with someone who is blatantly acting "psychotic" than someone who seems to be acting "normal" and then shows crazy behavior. NOt much different than NPD. You get lulled into that they can be "normal", and then get slapped with crazy and hang in there for the normal again.

I don't know if this is making any sense.

I've been reading and my heart goes out to all the newbies and the wonderful "veterans" that have been coming to visit. God bless you all.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, October 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

captiva... I read your blog.

http://phoenix-myinfidelityjourney.blogspot.com/

It only goes from January 2009 to April 2009.

I had the same exact thoughts and feelings. I must admit my favorite was the cheaters manual.

http://phoenix-myinfidelityjourney.blogspot.com/2009/01/cheaters-manual.html

These were mine...

"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: How the hell did you find out?

"Please stop asking me about it."
Translation: So I can keep it going as long as I want. For me it is more like so I don't have to face me being a horrible evil person

"I don't want to lose you"
Translation: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.

"I promise it won't happen again"
Translation: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.

"HIS name and any information about them isn't important"
Translation: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.


"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Translation: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.


"We used protection every time."
Translation: We should probably both get checked for STD's. Yep, I got a wart.


"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Translation: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of arse and needed something different and exciting.


"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Translation: But I figured you were so thick that you wouldn't ever get it.

"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Translation: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.


"I don't remember."
Translation: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.

"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Translation: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.

"I never stopped loving you."
Translation: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.

"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Translation: I cannot believe I got caught.

"You did not support me"
Translation: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.


"I was lonely."
Translation: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to f*ck someone else behind your back.

"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She has no clue how selfish I really am.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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