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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh. Ok. To make a long story short, I need to figure out how to not be so angry anymore. Anyone read or do anything good to get past being angry? Nothing in particular has happened really, but I'm just mad at the world and I'm only hurting myself going around this way. It's just got to stop sometime, doesn't it? I mean, if I can't ever go back to being "normal" and being "me" then what the heck?!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as my mom goes, the emotional aspect is less and less every day. I cared for a long time, but it never made a difference. She is who she is and she clearly has no concern for how much she is damaging everyone else. She doesn't care...and I honestly don't know that she ever really did.

When my father was dying (and I had to go care for him because....wait for it....she made his illness and death all about her and was completely incapable of caring for him), I promised him that I would try to help her. I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried.

I know I can't fix her.

The difference between her and my FWH is that he sees now the damage he has caused, he owns it, and he is making real progress in changing.

I've pretty much given up hope that she ever will. At this point, it is mostly about minimizing the damage to my kids...at the end of the day, that matters to me more than anything else.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M- have you tried any physical efforts to get the anger out? Exercise or some kind of activity that lets you beat the sh*t out of something?

I loved karate when I did it, have been thinking about going back and doing kickboxing. Sometimes you really do just have to kick something.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No time to chat - way to busy with work but

((((((WYE)))))
Miracle - you will blitz the exams

Laura - how many cocks can FWH fit in OWPANTS ?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not sure how to quote, but I briefly thought that wh had a small affair that spanned a couple months and only having it go P a few times, but when I found graphic sex pics recovered from the computer and found out it was going on for closer to 1.5 years, yes that is much harder to get past than a small fling. I didn't think I was going to recover such damning evidence, but uploading time stamps don't lie, but wh's do. I am glad i found out though, because it opened up a whole other layer of betrayal that needs to be addressed, mostly noteably that wh was chatting online with other women before OW was in the pictures. It means that I essentially have a serial cheater, that things are much more serious than just that oopsie fling my wh wanted to believe it was. This was addressed to wishing for the A to be a ONS, sorry don't know how to quote here yet!

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plains:

So sorry that you find yourself here but welcome anyway. Tell us a bit more about yourself. Are you trying to reconcile, have you kicked him out. Are you coping somehow? Have you sought counselling?

This is a devasting feeling. You will get great support here. Try and take care of your food and water intake and rally all your trusted friends around you.

Post again soon so we can give you lots of support.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay

DP is close enough the answer is

So hopefully we will have lots of baby FDs and FCs soon. God knows where FWH will put them! I suppose he will have to build more pens - at least it keeps him out of ...no ... not mischief....OW'S PANTS!!!!

After I posted the quiz I became even more embarrassed as I realised there could be more crude answers. So I thought I should put the answer up soon so that you don't start to think I am not a lady!

M33

I honestly don't know how to deal with the anger.

I do try to control myself but every now and then I still let lose. I use the most foul language, yell, scream, cry and abuse FWH generally. I just can't help myself.

Half of me thinks it's not healthy and half thinks I have to get it out. I just have to.

So honey don't feel you are somehow not getting it right. How you feel is how you feel.

And if your FWH is the cause well maybe he needs to bear the brunt of your anger.

I know what he did to you is horrendous. Just a nightmare. So of course you are angry.

Have you talked to him about this? I don't mean once or twice or fifty times. I mean more!!! My FWH is sick of me telling him how angry I am. But you know what - he can take it or leave.

Why should I go through every waking moment thinking about what he did, hurting and angry and him not feel it?

Maybe I am not making sense. I just know he has to help you with the pain and the anger. If helping you means listening to you rant and rave and scream and swear and ducking when you throw things then he needs to do that.

My FWH is mostly good at it. Every now and then he gets annoyed (when I swear a lot or throw something big ) but I scream at him to shut up and listen and he usually does.

Maybe I am becoming an abusive BS. If I am I don't care. If he doesn't like it he can leave - I don't care.

The thing is that he is only worth me keeping if he is willing to help me get past this shit. If he loves me enough. If he doesn't I would rather he left.

I am NOT going to hide how I feel or bury my anger for him. He caused it so he can deal with it.

Sorry for the rant. Didn't mean to turn this into a vent. I'm just wondering if the reason you are struggling is because you are bottling all the anger and hurt up inside.

BIG HUGS honey

PlainsGirl

Welcome

I have read your profile sweetie and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this garbage.

I have read some of your other posts and he is clearly a fucktard.

I suggest you give him this
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=416333

If that doesn't work then 180 him hard. Let him cook and clean for himself. ban him from the bed and tell EVERYONE including his parents.

You will then see if he is worth the effort.

Either he will grow some balls and step up or he will bale out. If the latter, then you deserve better!!

BIG BIG HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:53 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE: Iím glad you have recognised you cannot fix your mother. As the child, itís difficult to give up thinking it must be something to do with you. The rational adult in you knows you are not responsible, but the mantle of guilt and duty is hard to shake off.

I take it you have heard of the saying to put your own oxygen mask on first. The reason for this being you are no good to anyone unless you remain conscious. At this time, you absolutely MUST take care of yourself first. But having crying sessions is also healing and allows you to get some of the pent up emotions out so that they donít damage you. Allow yourself time to gather strength every now and then. And take a few breaths of oxygen.
***************

I heard something on the radio a couple of weeks ago about broken heart syndrome. Those who have experienced a broken heart know the physical pain it causes. To others, itís just a phrase. The physical, psychological, mental and emotional effects we have all experienced have been listed over and again in JFO.
I had noticed this a couple of weeks after d-day:
transverse depressions that appear as white lines across the fingernails as a sign of an acute severe illness such as malnutrition, systemic disease, thyroid dysfunction, trauma, or coronary occlusion. It's also seen in heart surgery patients.

Just like my fingers had been trapped in a door jamb. Physical evidence that WH literally broke my heart.
***********

took 2 of those tests today...i think i did well, i do not have the results yet...2 more to go
you are making me envious! I am thumb twiddling and waiting on January to see if the course will run then. If not? Iím not sure I want to spend three or four times the amount in a private college for exactly the same qualification. So it will be rethink time. Flinging a few more mojos your way.
*******************

Plainsgirl, hi and welcome. Are you moving on to S&D? Have you told his parents yet? Iím so sorry, your sitch doesnít look good. Like Laura, I suggest a hard 180. If you don't know what it is, here's the link:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

But this is a great site and you WILL get plenty of brilliant support and advice. As for the quotey boxes, after you have copy and pasted the quote you want into the reply box, simply highlight and click the ďquoteĒ box to the left. You can also try bold and italic for emphasis when you want. And little smileys.
*****************

Anyone read or do anything good to get past being angry?
Any good book that doesnít have infidelity in it. Iíve just finished Before I Go To Sleep about a woman who has no memory every time she wakes up. I also read The Book Thief recently. Now Iím reading non-fiction about Lost White Tribes. And a work out at the gym is therapy, as is a spa/massage session. If Lost Heart was still here, sheíd recommend throwing cups of coffee Ė but thatís another story!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:46 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Uk

Unbelievable

I have those marks. They are not only on my fingernails but on my toenails too.

How are you feeling. You've had such a scare. Tell us!

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:14 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3333 - I feel the same as you. The anger is getting in my way of living.

I'll just hang out waiting for responses.

((((tribe))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropped in to say Hi. Hi.

The 2nd Antiversary has come and gone. No a-crap at all. FWW and I had a pleasant evening watching DS16 with the band in a parade downtown.

Really, if I could just give up sex (at least sex involving somebody more than myself ) and a W who will not/cannot always be open and honest about her feelings the M would be fine. It is so much better than it ever was. It is just that I have raised my expectations over the last 2 years of learning about us and processing feelings.

iwam, I tried to find answer keys for your tests, but no luck so I will send mojo. btw, is mojo short for mojito?

m334455, the indirect way to quit being angry involves first understanding why you are angry KWIM. Are you frightened? Hurt? Scared? Sad? What is it that you are angry about? I am trying to embrace and lean into the things in my life that seem to upset me most. I need to own them if I am going to change them, and I have to accept them if I cannot change them.

wye (()). FWW's M died early this year never understanding what she had done to her children, never really happy, and I do not believe ever knowing what she wanted in life. She could do many things, but it was always her doing them, and deep down I believe she hated herself. You are wise to recognize you cannot fix that, but you can be compassionate and helpful within the limits of what you can tolerate.

nofun, same as for m334455. It does no good to avoid the emotion, so we must identify the root cause own that cause or feeling, and then we can work to change how we react if we wish.

One of the anger causes I have worked at resolving has been the FWW having sex with the OM thing. For the longest time I was not able to figure out why that bothered me so much when the fact she had sex with former boyfriends and husbands did not. Some of it was the betrayal thing, but I truly believe it was not me she betrayed. It was herself; I was not a part of the equation. Much of it was male pride. The other part I think is the disappointment that FWW is/was(?) the kind of person who would have an A. Who would trade sex for attention, who would put her needs ahead of another womanís (including her sisterís) need for sanctity in their M.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping by quick to send hugs to Plainsgirl. So sorry you've found our way here.

I get a few hours to myself this afternoon, and I'm so looking forward to it!

Hoping I have the strength to deal with my mother's inevitable phone calls today...

Hugs to you all.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm angry for a lot of perfectly normal reasons. I guess what is concerning me is first -- I need some good slef-soothing techniques to calm down in the moment when I feel like I'm going to lose or am losing my temper. So, I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for that -- even for things that they did to help when their kids were young.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that when I can feel my anger rising up, whether with the kids or FWH or my mom...or anything for that matter...I try to take a step back before reacting.

For example, things that do not have to be dealt with immediately, I take a day or so to let myself calm down before I address the problem. If it is something that has to be dealt with right away, I honestly use the "count to 10" technique for myself, or take 4 or 5 deep yoga-type breaths. It helps a little.

There are times, especially when I'm dealing with my anger towards FWH that I either can't or won't calm myself down. I'm mad as hell, it's his fault, and he needs to see what he's done to me, ugly side and all. If he can't handle that, it's not my fault. (honestly, he is doing a lot better with it, his IC is helping him accept the consequences of what he's done).


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Tribe, I need some help with a decision about agreeing to serve on a search and screen committee.

Back Story:

While FWW was involved with OM1 I was on a hiring committee where I work. FWW told me about OM at her work, and encouraged me to help get him the job where I work. He was one of two finalists, and eventually was hired in part due to my lobbying for him over other finalist.

Now there is an opening in that department again, it is a position I am sure OM1 will apply for because it will be a promotion for him. I have been asked by that director to serve on this committee.

Politically it would be improper to refuse such a request, though I could. Last time I was interviewing OM I did not know he was screwing my FWW, meeting my stepdaughter, and encouraging FWW to move in with him. Might be fun to watch him sell himself and answer questions to a committee I am on now that we both know the reality of his past.

Also, may help me to get a different person in that position who would be easier to work with.

Thoughts?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

I say do what is best for you. If what is best for you is bad for him well then tough shit and boo fucking hoo. It should be fun for you to watch him squirm.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say let him squirm.

Karma's a bitch.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to be a bigger dork than dip and WYE.

I think you should join the committee - and it might deter OM from applying -- but if he does apply, you're going to have to let your employer know of the "history" there because you don't want to expose them to being surprised with some sort of allegations from OM if he isn't chosen for the job.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

You are not allowed to be a bigger dork than me. I am the king dork here!

I do agree it would be prudent to inform someone that OM might whine if he is not picked. I do wonder what he would say? Can he complain he was passed over because he is a lying asshole who misrepresented himself when he first applied at this business?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow....someone is trying to out-dork me. That's pretty hard to do. LOL

Dorkus majorus here.

I think OM has a pretty big set of balls to be trying for a position where you work again. I'd make sure those involved in the decision making process are aware of who he is.

Mwhahahaha

Why is there no evil grin smiley? Just saying...


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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