Laura - how many cocks can FWH fit in OWPANTS ?
edited i think i was venting sorry.
[This message edited by Cassylee at 3:40 PM, October 6th (Thursday)]
ATS - let him know you're gonna be on the committee..... Promotion? You want a promotion? What fucking promotion? Twat. If he persists, find some really on the spot question for him to answer. What a piece of shit.
Agree to be on the committee.
Ensure that OM1 "hears" that you are.
Hopefully that will deter him from applying.
Make no comment to others about OM1 applying until the applications come in.
When they do, if he doesn't apply, good
If he does apply, go to the relevant person(s) and say -
"OM1 is on the list of applicants. He has (insert whatever history you want to say) with my wife. That is all in the past now and I believe that as a professional I can see past that to make an unbiased judgement of who would be best for the position. However, I thought that I should ensure this history is known to you (in the best interest of the company etc etc) but given the circumstances I am willing to step down if you would prefer."
That way if he complains the authorities can say "Oh we know all about that but ats is a professional and we have every confidence in his judgement."
The weasel probably won't but then at least you are covered.
Then during the interview ensure you use whatever knowledge you have of him to ask difficult questions. You'd have to be careful here as it is my understanding that all applicants should be asked similar questions. So a little planning is needed to ensure you don't appear biased.
Me, well as you all know I'm a vindictive bitch so I'd want not only to try to stuff up his chances but also to see him squirm and know that maybe I had a hand in him not getting the position.
He was away on that Thursday night, I was away for the weekend, home late Monday and we were together before he was up and away early Tues am, he was away Tues and Wed night, and was here when I got home last night at 6.30pm. So we’ve been passing in the hallway since all this went off, so the above subjects have not been mentioned.
I’ve tried the phone (again this morning) and every single time it goes straight to the network standard message for voicemail. I really wish I hadn’t left that message last week. If it was pathetic MOW, then that would explain it. But I don’t know. There’s nothing in his phone or in his online account. He’s deleted the text now. He should be home this afternoon. I really feel this is the sort of thing that should be thrashed out in MC.
Of course he will say he has nothing to hide and I will reply that he appeared to have “nothing to hide” when he was having the affair. Her number wasn’t even in his contact list. He gave me things that I now know contained MOW, like his credit card statements, receipts for meals (said they were colleagues or suppliers), hotel invoices he stayed at that were pay-by-room and didn’t state the number of guests. The consequence is that the rock solid trust that was there was completely shattered. Knowing how well he lies means that he will never have full trust again. And then the small amount of trust he has regained has evaporated by this business of not telling me. And these are just two things I found out about. How many other “things” has he hidden from me, thinking I wouldn’t find out? There have to be other instances, surely. He will say no, but when there is no trust, how can I believe a single word he says? If he loves me as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he want to be honest with me and have faith in the security we had built up so far? Questions, questions.
Better go. fWH is sitting outside in his car. I dunno. Rambling and trying to get things sorted out in my head.
I wish I knew the answers to your questions.
I'm so sorry.
UK… I have those same “unsafe” or “untrusting” thoughts very often every week. I do consider them to now be me. It is now who I am. They just pop up in my mind as I see, smell, hear things every day. I believe these will be in my mind as long as I’m with my W. It is what it is. I have the power to try and make changes that might make these thoughts go away. IMO, that is to find a new partner in life. My brain would then shift all the energy to this new woman. But for now, I am being treated about as well as any man can be treated, so I accept the new me with these thoughts.
If I was in your shoes, I would pursue it. The only way my mind could be placed at peace is to know for sure. If my W wants to cheat and keep her OM in secrete, I say go right ahead. But when I find out, I’m done with my W. I know I am a good catch to the right woman. Go hire a pro.
I would do it today. The quicker you know, the quicker you can do what you need to do or be at peace. You are a beautiful woman in so many ways well beyond your nice attractive appearance and you don’t deserve to feel the way you feel.
Anyways, I miss Nell. I hope she has found what she needs.
Peace to all you fine folks that post here.. You are always in my prayers.
vindictive would be to take all those birds your H bought and cook'm up in one big pot, with some sort of Laxative in there. Then take each OW a bowl saying you forgive them and this is a peace offerning..
Good advice for UK and ats.
Yes honey, you are a good catch. We all know that but hopefully you will never need to prove it to us or yourself!!!!
I too miss Nell and some of our other friends who have been absent.
Hope if you peek in you are all well.
HUGS to ALL the tribe
[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:06 AM, October 7th (Friday)]
My take on it is that they hide an awful lot just to avoid conflict. They are fully aware of the way we think & don't want to be put in the position of having to prove it's "nothing", which is oftentimes not easy to do even if it really is nothing.
I personally think at this point in time, given how far away DDay was for you, you can't really expect any change in attitude by your H in that regard. I think most WS think like this & it's an engrained feature of their personality - conflict avoidance & to an extent a lack of conscience & lack of empathy/respect for the BS - putting his need to avoid drama ahead of the potential damage it will do to you.
I think that some WS "get it" and change. It appears your H has not changed in this regard. So, I doubt anything would change his attitude at this point.
So, its up to you. Can you be happy like this? (Not suggesting one answer or another - just saying, he's not willing to change, so is that ok or not?)
Miracle - hope you did good on your tests!(I'm sure you did).
In my camp - things over the past week or so led me to believe that X was having some issues leaving our relationship. I told him it seemed like neither one of us was really moving on & accepting that our relationship is over.
We finally spoke about it & it appears that he still loves me & "of course" he wants things to work out with us, but our M just wasn't working out. We really only spoke for about 15 min, I was perfectly calm, as was he, and at the end of the conversation I stated that that's it then (meaning we need to start moving more towards 100% moving on). He said something like "you never know if we will wind up together". Lol. So I quickly pointed out that is really not based in reality & that the longer I see he can go without the relationship, the harder it will be for me to believe it's important to him & that the same unresolved issues would still be there.
Not sure why all this came up as I thought that my resolution to this break up was pretty solid. I'm blaming the book I've recently read (Winter Garden - great book) which had a big tragic love story in it & part of it dealt with a troubled marriage & they wound up working it out. I guess it got to me.
But, today I will rally!!!
Hope everyone has a good weekend & welcome to the newbies!
You are close.
All my friends know I am a really nice lady. Kind, considerate, hard working, generous, nice sense of humour, etc. The kids I teach love me. I am tough but fair. Never have problems with discipline in the classroom, but the kids know what I expect so I can relax and have fun with them.
Cross me and you'll wish you'd never been born.
Sorry but I AM a vindictive bitch!!!!
As for the poison pot - what a lovely idea
Good to hear from you.
I'm sorry your X is sending you mixed messages.
He said something like "you never know if we will wind up together". Lol.
It is just all so sad isn't it. He's like a silly little boy who does as he pleases and doesn't get why he always gets into trouble. And then expects all the problems from his behaviour to just go away
I miss Nell too....
As for me....well....I'm seeing a financial advisor the end of this month, I've contacted a business broker to see what my business is worth....I need to find out what my options are financially and then I will decide to stay or leave.
I have my ups and downs as everyone else here, but the angry is just so overwhelming. I've been asking around for an IC...maybe EMDR?
My FWH goes on in life like nothing ever happened. Is this normal? He's gone back to his same ole, minus the meanness. But if I don't agree with his opinions, or the way he does things, or am tired and don't want sex, he gets into his moods and doesn't speak. I feel very alone just like when he was in the A.
The fire department is putting on a retirement party to FWH next weekend and I'm totally stressed about it. All the cheaters will be there. YUK...I could
Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.
Wish I had some answers for you.
FWH is at his IC now. Hope he's talking about what happened last night. After the huge blow up/end of TT last month, I knew that he'd be honest about any questions that needed re-asking.
BTW, I hate that we have to ask the same damn question 100 times just to get some version of the truth....
Anyway, he'd said in the past that he only gave OW oral "once or twice but she didn't like it". Well, I finally reasked that question....and it wasn't once or twice.
Not that I am surprised. But it's so much more personal and intimate. He just keeps saying to him it was all "just sex". Um, no. You do that for someone to provide THEM pleasure, not yourself. Because you want to give THEM something.
I suppose the good news is that he claims he hadn't done it in probably a year. He was over it, tired of her crazy ass, just couldn't figure out a way to end it without her telling me (lame excuse, but that's his reason...says he felt stuck because she is nuts).
I hate this. I hope that he talks to IC about it. My point that I was trying to get through to him last night is that he withheld the truth about this specific act because he KNOWS it's not just sex, at least in my eyes even if not in his own.
Part of me wishes I never reasked that question.Dammit.
[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 10:14 AM, October 7th (Friday)]
I think what happens is you just become numb to the fact. Over and over it becomes less and less meaningful. This is why you need to come here and vent, repost, help others, talk about it.
My wife had sex with OM I calculated over 400 times. To me, that 400 times was stolen and I can never get it back. Life is not fair sometimes. My W could not share the details of the sex they had. Her emotions were at a point where she knew it was like her taking a knife, knowing I was dieing, looking me in the eyes, turning and turning with me yelling and screaming in pain. She just could not do it, tell me the details. She lied too. Tells me she took a shower after everytime and never both of us the same day. Let's see, there is no shower in OM office. She rarely took a shower at night. And if you do the math, odds were I was sloppy seconds. A had a nice wart to prove it.
Heck, I don’t think anyone really need to know if the oral was good, how much “this” and “that”. For some odd reason we want to know it. I think you know in your mind how good if feels to have sex. It feels good. It feels great. Sex is something that makes us curl our toes. I could make your toes curl. I can make any woman’s toes curl. I would guess the only way oral would feel good if some kind of pain was involved with ragged teeth scrapping something.
My real point it this. Your H is likely like my W. He is not giving you details because it’s hurtful. Know this stuff is not going to make you feel any better. You need to get to a place where just know it felt good to both of them. Sex feels good to all.
For me, I now view my W’s affair as her having a boyfriend but during our marriage. Nothing I can do to change it. However, I made the choice to stay and R. I MADE THAT CHOICE. I cannot change all the 400 times they had a good sex. I cannot change that as much as I value sex and those good feelings; I will NEVER get that chance at getting the sex back. It’s gone forever.
Life is not fair. I was dealt this in my life. I acknowledge it. All I have in my power is to make today a good day. All I can do is make my M the best possible marriage it can be.
I intentionally forgive my W. I hope you can make that choice to and then try hard to act like you forgive. Forgiveness is to try hard not to make your spouse feel guilty. Maybe you are ready, maybe you are not. For me, I was ready when I just know the sex my W and her OM was good, it was real, it hurts me, but that was then and today is today. She is only making me feel good right now with sex. If you cannot forgive, then you owe it to the man you married to let him go and D. It’s OK if you cannot emotionally handle being with someone who committed adultery. It is hard to love someone you has hurt you equal in feelings to murder, kidnap, and even kinda like rape. It’s tough to accept that life gave you shit. Do not accept the shit if it keeps coming at you from now on. I think wise men wrote in our bible that D can happen with adultery. This is not some issue that is new. It is part of human nature. Cheating, lying, stealing, hurting others. It not our faults that we drew the short end of the stick.
Anyways sorry for the preaching and All IMO. I do hope you well.
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:42 AM, October 7th (Friday)]
I want to believe that I can get to a place where I can forgive him. In the last few weeks with everything else that has happened, he's shown signs that the guy I fell in love with is still here and wants to be.
I just wish that there was some line he hadn't crossed. Some time where he held back and kept something, ANYTHING, sacred just for us. But there isn't. There just isn't.
We were onlies. Met when we were 15. Went through the entire sexual discovery thing together. Have been to hell and back more than a few times in the past and always came through stronger together for it...until he did this.
He gave it all to her, for nothing. Didn't love her, says he loved me the whole time. I know he was lost and broken and all that. I knew it then, tried to get him to seek help. But he did this instead.
I know that at some point I am going to just have to accept and move on....but I know I'm not there yet. It hurts too damn bad.
I wish life could be easy for us all. It is rare or maybe impossible to get through life pain free. With life, come pain.
We cannot let the pain stop our lives. We grieve and move on.
If you R, you grieve. You are in the beginning. You just do what you need to do... Seek information, cry, vision it over and over until your are ready to negotiate. Negotiate then let it go....
You are still early. FEEL what you feel. Seek refuge in SI, or running, or music, something new, prayer, helping others... etc..
You are allowed to make a choice to treat your H with nothing but desirables. Try hard to do them. It does not mean you can do it. I couldn't at first, but with time, I did. Show them to your H too. Ask him to do the same.
Treat me like this...
These are Desire Builders
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Cooperative attitude
- Positive “self Talk”
These are Desire destroyers
- Negative attitude
- Continueing Negative behaviors
- No communication
- No reliance on God or lack of spirituality
- Holding a grudge’
- Name calling
- Negative “self talk”
- “Must win” Attitude
- Living the past
If either of you cannot say yes to trying to do nothing but desirables. THen D. He has to agree too!
I so hope you peace.
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:52 AM, October 7th (Friday)]
....let your employer know of the "history" there because you don't want to expose them to being surprised with some sort of allegations from OM if he isn't chosen for the job
Yeh, this could be an issue and is the reason I declined. I suggested, and they accepted, a member of my staff instead. I would have enjoyed playing with him though. Probably better this way: "No new contacts, no new hurts."
I am reasonably certain that OM will apply for this job, and I am certain he will not get it. I know the politics of the organization, and the way this is being handled it is clear to me that they do not want him in this position.
If any of you listen to World Have Your Say and were listening today you heard me.
I leave for a conference on Sunday morning, so I wil be out of the pocket a bit. You all take care!
Nofun- My FWH retired a few weeks before d-day. There were a number of events planned for him in the weeks that followed. He didn't go to any of them.
(LOL it could be because I told a lot of people at work about the LTA and he was totally embarrassed etc.) But..he didn't go. And even now ..years later he has gotten invitations to go out with various friends from work (he had worked with some of them for 30 yrs!) but he does not go. He turns the invitations down.
Just saying....maybe he does not have to attend the event?
ats- I agree with the others. Let him know that you will be on the interview committee. And then deal with it if he has the balls to interview for the position.
When you agree to be on a committee like this you have no way of knowing in advance who will apply for the position...so go ahead.