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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worst year ever

We were onlies. Met when we were 15. Went through the entire sexual discovery thing together.

This...exact same here. Someone said you can work and make your marriage like new but you can NEVER get this back. Why is that so important? I guess I always knew that no matter how tough our marriage got we always knew we would never cheat. It was just a given. Also, I NEVER worried about STD's...ever. Now I just know something from HER is growing inside of me...ughhhh!

Anyway, I get you. Don't have any advice though.

0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eyeore -- big hugs. It will get better. Well, you will get better. Your marriage? Who knows? But you will. It will probably take another year or two before you feel like "yourself" most of the time. But you'll get there.

I like to say that before, I was like iron -- or even ore. All raw material; but now I'm like steel.

ATS -- I think you made a good decision.

UKG, I missed the kissy text too. Remember my situation: kissy text = 20 year LTA. Just sayin'.

0115


They're probably looking for someone they can trust, an honest worker with high ethics and values, one with commitment to integrity and such.... Ask him if he fits that description!!!

One of my co-workers was in quite a bit of hot water when they did our background checks because his LTA was well-known. It was harder for him to get his clearance.

BTW -- OW used my WH as her character reference for her background check at her agency. Can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to call the IG for her offices. I mean really?! Character reference?!


But -- what I'm wondering is: if I R, if I continue to associate with my WH -- what does that say about my character? Do I lack character in that regard? I lack the character I'd like to develop in some other regards -- but I'm concerned about this one particular one right here since infidelity is what we address...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455

But -- what I'm wondering is: if I R, if I continue to associate with my WH -- what does that say about my character? Do I lack character in that regard?

It says that you have the ability to see the best in people, that you have strength when it comes to handling difficult (that's really understated) situations and you are loyal beyond imagination. I have NEVER looked at a BS who stayed with their WS and thought do they have the same character flaws? I have always thought, "where do they get their strength"?

You, are simply amazing!! Hope those little ones are doing well

PS Go Cards!!!!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh -- for 0115 and WYE, the onlies thing.

hmmmn. Well, my XH and I were onlies.

Actually, I think some of this I'm going to say applies to Allgood a bit as well.

My first marriage didn't end because of infidelity (I've mentioned that before but maybe not everyone currently reading knows)

Anyway, I do think being onlies is a very special thing. My XH married one of my sisters friends shortly after our divorce. They are divorced now too, and I'm friends with her (but still NC with him) and she said he was incredibly nervous with her at first because we'd been onlies. It's uncommon these days.

Anyway, XH and I were two peas in a pod from pretty much the day we met freshman year of high school right up until my dramatic exit from our apartment 11 years later.

As for sex: sex with different people is just different. In general, anyone you're attracted to enough to get naked with is probably going to get the job done.

An onlies relationship is more significant because you have a certain set of needs that are projected onto a specific person. On some level, that person is the only way for those needs to be met, and they can NEVER be met without that person.

Which is not true, but it feels that way.

That's like saying, the only way I'm getting rid of this horrible pain in my wrist is by taking ibuprofen -- and then one say your doctor prescribes you VIOXX and all of a sudden it's "Holy Crap!" Not only is there MORE than one way -- THERE IS A BETTER WAY!

So, there's the double edged sword -- you're sad; you wanted to be the better way -- you're having trouble believing there is another way for you; much less that it might be better -- or maybe you ARE the better way, but you'll never believe it now -- and then there's shared history, force of habit, etc. etc.

Heck, y'all will hit me, but my XH's 3rd wife is expecting a baby and I've been reading his blog. He did a whole post about ... how people need to have formal names. He totally got that from me. Or maybe I got that from him. Hell, after 11 years together, who knows, but I can tell you that I could have written every word of that blog entry, except I really would have let him name the kid Xavier and, also, I may have married a cheater, but at least I did not marry a COLTS FAN (sorry tryn).

Yeah, I know I shouldn't read the blog. He doesn't know. No one knows. It inspires me. First of all, he's always been a great writer. Second, most important, he's blissfully happy, it's so clear. Seeing that is important to me. His 2nd wife cheated on him (yep, my sister's friend/my friend) So, he said, screw it, I don't trust you and I'm not going to and he got divorced. Again. Even though he was only 33. I think seeing that is good.

Because it's important to remember there is always another way. And it might be better. Until you figure that out, you're not living; you're stuck.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

X and I were onlies too. In fact, I never even dated anyone but him. Although I am (only)42, I was with him since I was 16. So, I have to say I do seem to have a strong attachment to him and desire to be with him that defies logic. I can only assume that it is because we were together through a significant part of our formative years, I developed the belief that we would always, always be together. I believed in it as if it was fact. Only 1 year into my X's A did I even consider that we should s/d - our relationship had been bad during that period of time (I wonder why?) and it took a year of it for me to question whether I would be better off if I left. And, looking back on it, there were plenty of my needs that weren't getting met throughout the marriage - some basic stuff too- like emotional support & intimacy, some basic respect, etc., and I still did not question that we would be together.
I don't know why.
Even my friends said that they always thought it was odd that I never even looked at another guy - throughout my teens & early 20s before I got married.
Anyway. I suppose on a more superficial level, I just find it odd and scary to be with another guy, just because I've never done it before.

And, on the issue of perceptions of a BS staying with a WS - before infidelity became a subject with which I am personlly familiar, I always felt bad for the BS, never thought if he/she stayed it was proof of their lack of ethics or morality or whatever, but in truth, and I cringe to say this because it is definitely NOT what I think now, but, in truth, I thought that any BS that stayed with a WS was not strong enough to leave, too scared or finanically dependent or whatever.
Obviously, I now see it as something quite impressive - to reconcile after infidelity. It says a lot about a person's ability to forgive, love, about their loyalty and patience and, above all, strength.

X and I will be spending a lot of time at social events together over the next 2 weeks - mutual friends and our own children's events, I am quite afraid that this will prompt some emotional regression for me, which has already started.

Tryn - did you ever put that GPS or VAR in your W's car? How are things?

ATs: Aside from your work related drama - how's things at home?

Miracle - let us know how you did on your tests.

Honest - hope you are well.

Fun - good to hear from you.

Nell & STrongish - Where are you? YOu can't just flat leave us like that!!

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATs: Aside from your work related drama - how's things at home?

Other than it has been 3-4 months since we last had sex things are fine. If I could accept having no to little sex for the rest of my life we could do OK. I accept that she is never going to tell me all about her A's. It is unlikely that we will ever have an open and honest emotional relationship. She will always have some walls or barriers up, and I will have to be able to detatch and stand by knowing that I cannot control or fix her.

I am waiting to see how the job future plays out in the next month or two for both of us. Once that is known, I am ready to leave and start my next chapter.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, from HS to the time I committed to my W, I think I had sex with 8 different W. I do value that experience. I don’t have the, “I wonder what it feels like with another person” feelings. I’m 100% sure I could control any of those feeling from actions today. Since I was faithful from the day I met my W, I too developed the belief that we would always, always be together. I don’t hold that same belief today. I have only been with my W and that was since 1983.

Allgood, Thank you for asking how I am doing. Yes, I am going to buy and place the GPS in my W’s car. I don’t expect to find anything.

Let me tell you a typical week or so concerning some of my thoughts and feelings.

I feel some unsecure feelings. I have these fantasies about discovering and how I will surprise her with D papers, empty checking account, and living with my best friend and dating. I can take myself back to when I was in college and loved every bit of hanging with my friends, meeting and flirting with women, and just doing what I want to do.

Every day, I think about infidelity. It might be looking at the Extended Stay Hotel sign as I pass thinking, that is where my W F’d him. It might be even a vision of my W or OM having sex when I see that sign or his office as I pass it on the interstate. I listen to Dr. Laura or some religious Sirius radio and they often have topics of cheating and relationship issues. They are of interest to me now and It seem interesting to me everyone’s relationship issues and how to solve a problem. Just visiting here at SI reminds me.

No, I don’t cry that much anymore. I think I have cried only once the past 4-5 weeks. When I do cry, it seems to be about the “why” “how could you” or a fantasy about me D’ing. They might last for 3-4 minutes, then, I’m good. It is very strange how good it feels after I cry.

When I am checking SI, I feel some strength being able to relate with others. I feel very sad with some of the newbies. This shit hurts and I can still relate to that hurt very much so. It makes me think about that hurt at the times I read some of the post.

I feel very strong today. I have boundaries that strictly enforce anytime, and every time, I believe am treated with an undesirable by my W. I never let it drop. EVER. I tell her how her comments, what she did or is not doing makes me feel. “Feelings only.” I try hard to only give her advice when she asked for it. (You guys know me! LOL) I love to give my opinions! It then becomes her choice to do it again or not. It’s working.

I do feel loved by my W. She gives me love is so many different ways and all those make me feel very good feelings. When I am home with her, I feel very good. I travel just about every week in my job and when I travel is when I have some fears.

I really am starting to live life again, overall happiness is very strong and I am enjoying life again. I think I am midway through “accepting” in the grieving stages.

I look at me today and think, wow, this has taken me over 3 years to get here and I am not at total peace. What do I need to do to get at this total peace. I am starting to believe that life is about not being at total peace. Hurting is part of peace. Peace is to know hurt. Peace is a laugh and a cry.

Oh well… GO COLTS!.. that is for M3!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I never questioned that we would be together forever either. I had other boyfriends before I met FWH, but he never dated anyone else. (We were 15)

In college, I tried to break up with him, mostly because I thought he'd want the experience of being with other people. He begged me to stay together.

We survived four years of a long distance relationship because of that. We survived cancer and infertility and all kinds of other terrible things....but then one day he just checked out and did this.

Shitty thing is that there wasn't really anything wrong with us at the time, our marriage was fine. There were other stresses in our life, most of which were out of both our control....but WE were okay. Even he knows that. He was messed up.

I just don't see how what he did could have ever been a solution in his head, how he could have rationalized what he did for so long. How he could kiss me before he went to see her every.fucking.morning then come home like everything was fine. How he could take our kids out with her. How he could do all the things she wanted, jump through her hoops like an obedient dog when he didn't even want to be with her anymore. For more than the last year, he claims he wanted to break it off with her, but was afraid she'd tell me and I would leave him.

Thing is....that is also the same time frame that the most egregious violations were made (taking her on business trips, letting her stay in my bed with him while I was caring for my dying father, bringing the kids around him, telling her he would marry her)

Makes no sense at all.

I know that it never will, that it isn't a rational thought process. But I'm such a freaking rational person....


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eyeore-
It just takes a lot of time to get over this.
You were shocked and traumatized when you found out about the LTA.
And it was a double betrayal because it was with a friend's wife-someone that you knew and trusted as well.
Like Tryin and the other veterans on here I still cry every once in awhile over the LTA. It will be 5 yrs since d-day this New Years. ANd he had a 5 yr LTA.
I think that fact will create problems for me this antiversary.
But, it does get better with each year. I was a total wreck a yr post d-day.
It took me about 4 yrs to really begin to get out of my post d-day fog.

You're right. We've lost so many years to the LTA. First the years during the LTA and now the years spent trying to save the marriage and recover from the trauma.

But... I remind myself that everyon in this world has some kind of burden to bear. Some have very serious illnesse that they have been dealing with.
Maybe we should think of it that way? Our spouses were in the grips of a mental and spiritual illness during those LTA years and now they are recovering...and now we are in the grips of PISD (Post infidelity stress disorder) but hopefully we will recover as well.

M33- speaking of jobs and the affair partners.
Your husband's OW was your nanny. So..I assume that the agency you are referring to is an agency that refers nannies to households.
Well...if I were hiring a nanny to live in and care for my babies I would certainly want to know about the fact that she had a LTA with her employer and wrecked a marriage while engaging in sexual relations in the house while the children were there!
so... I would contact her job agency and tell them about her history.
But that's me....
as you all know...
I told everyone about the LTA.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makes no sense at all.

I know that it never will, that it isn't a rational thought process. But I'm such a freaking rational person....

I hear you w-y-e, it has been hard just to accept that it makes no sense but it happened. Part of my never believing that FWW could/would do this is that I did not believe she is that good at organizing, scheduling, and arranging. She apparently was with the OM, but that is another thing I do not see in her relationship with me; scheduling and spending intentional time. Looking for opportunities to be together.

I am finishing the work on my presentation and packing for my conference. This is the first time that I have ever done business travel with an employee travelling with me to the same event. I am having more memories than I expected of FWW and her trips for work travelling with OM. The employee I am travelling with is very excited about the trip and has been making plans for events to attend at the conference, where to eat, places to see, etc. I can imagine how fun it was for FWW to be travelling with OM as he bought her 1st class upgrades, took her to meals, and spent the evenings (and some nights) with her. If travelling with a person you already have an exciting relationship with, how fun it must have been to get away and spend days together. Then she would come home to me and tell me what a letdown coming home was after traveling and being in a hotel and eating meals out, being waited on, having a maid.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats:
Your husband's OW was your nanny

I don't think that's true. I don't know what OW did, but it wasn't a nanny - they shared the same nanny, I believe that was the end of the connection. Her OW was her H's old gf & he introduced her to M3 and they became very close friends, as did their children.

Sorry M3 - know this was your response to make - I just had that jumping in my seat raising my hand yelling "I know the answer!" moment.
I'm such a geek.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And just so none of you think it is that much easier " on the other side", I fell off the wagon today - mini-meltdown that I shared with my X. Why, I don't know. Pavlov's dog was way smarter than me. I keep doing the same thing expecting something different.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- that was me that got mixed up about M33's sitch.
I remember now that you are correct. The OW was a friend of the family and they shared the same nanny.

I guess I just got carried away with the idea of outting another Affair partner to a boss! LOL
I am the queen of outting the LTAs I guess.
I just hate the idea that people get away with out any consequences for their actions.
Guess I should have been a prosecuting attorney or a judge!

Sorry to hear that you had a meltdown.
None of this easy.
Whether you R or D dealing with infidelity is extremely difficult and very painful.
Take care.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome newbies...lta is a really special corner of si.....the peeps in this corner are the most wonderful of the wonderful....we all know whats its like, we all know that it seems to take forever and a day, and we all know that we will get through it...one day at a time...and some days it feels more like a minute at a time, if not by the seconds.....


i only skimmed....too many pages i think to catch up on....

first my tests: well there were 2 courses, 3 teachers, 2 of the teachers share a course but give separate tests....the first course with the single teacher...i aced every test she gave last week....3 of them, all 100%.....the others, one i got a 90% and am still waiting on the other...so the first course i gots a beautiful "A"...waitin on the next one, but i think i gots an 'a' in that one too, unless of course i screwed the test up....the waiting is nerver racking...i may not find out til wed....uugghhh...


ok....i hads me another aha moment today....this morn on my way out, the newspaper was on the lawn, pfm came to the door and asked me to get him the paper....well i decided to comply, but my head was chattering incessantly about how dare this man still ask me for shit...well i was so preoccupied in my head that when i tossed the paper his way i somehow tossed the paper in a way i didn't mean too, and truly stupidly..i attempted to catch it...well the position my feet were in was crossed when i tossed so when i went to catch i forgot or didnt realize they were crossed and well i fell...sideways....damn if i didnt look like a sketch on saturday nite live....it was actually funny, i was laughing at myself while i was falling and once i landed and realized i wasnt seriously hurt i was laughing even harder....anyways...then i dusted myself off, got in my car and started to drive, still laughing but the mind was chattering again and again...trying to figure out why i fell...and then hit me, my aha moment...i was pissed because he had the balls to ask me for anything whilst i ask him for nothing except money....i didn't do anything to him and i dont ask because i have pride and i have integrity and i refuse to feel 'beholden' if you kwim.....and here he is, the one who did the harm and he is asking me for 'whatever'.....and thats when it hit me...of course, he has no pride or integrity within....none, not an ounce....where if the shoe were on the other foot i would never dream of asking someone i hurt for anything, its adding insult to injury.....and of course he does because he does not possess the morals to do anything else.....yet another slap in my face to wake me up to WHO HE IS, WHO HE REALLY IS.....

so basically its me "getting it"....its was me still having expectations of him....

i am getting it little by little....and its comin in loud and clear.....

i gets my "signs" that i am on the right path all the time.....

nite all...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Miracle

Test results:

I am not in least surprised. Honey you are a superwoman. You have shown it in so many ways. Way to go !!!!!!!

The paper story....

He doesn't get it and like most WSs probably never will. You see I think in their world WSs (esp those in LTAs) went through each day, often for years, as though the A didn't exist. So they did little acts of "love" for us as we did for them. We had no idea what was happening - they did, but compartmentalised so well that their lives were "normal".

One of the things that hurt me most was that I know that one weekend just before Dday FWH had sex with OW3 on the Friday and Saturday night and then when I arrived home on the Sunday night did me too!!! It is horrifying to know this. How sick is that!!! Yet he probably did this many times. he may have even screwed them in the morning and then me that night!!! Who knows?? And he never batted an eyelid. He never gave the slightest hint. There was no (or limited guilt) so he kept doing it. Heavens it does my head in!!!!!!

So this is how they lived each day during the LTAs. "Normally". And old habits die hard. They did it day in day out. Now all they want, desperately want, is for things to go back to "normal". Just like during their affairs when we did the normal Spouse stuff for them and they did for us. So now they still do little things for us and they expect us to do the same for them.

This is the NEW normal. Everything is just as before except they know we know and they don't have their whores I think PFM would actually be surprised to know you feel as you do. He thinks you should do little things for him and probably hasn't even noticed that you never ask him to do stuff for you.

I know that about 3 yrs ago when I was making plans to leave FWH cause he turned into such an arsehole, I NEVER asked him to do anything for me. NEVER. I still did lots of stuff for him - to keep the peace - but unless I was DESPERATE never asked him for anything. And guess what?? I am SURE he didn't notice. Absolutely SURE

Lot of rambling here. Am I making any sense???? Or just stating the obvious!!

Anyway, just some Sunday afternoon thoughts.

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 11:04 PM, October 8th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again

Forgive me for not replying to you all but my head has been so full of my own sich today.

So Where am I up to???

I want to tell you all and maybe in writing it, it will help me to see myself. It may also help some of you. Some of my thoughts may speak to your own sich. These are the things in my head:

1. I am 90% sure I would like to stay in this M. Even without the As it is far from perfect but what M is perfect? FWH can still be selfish but he can also be very considerate. He is attentive, helpful, interested in me and affectionate. He is also self absorbed and stupid at times. He is also obsessed with his FDs and FCs. He has always had an obsession. Something that dominated his thinking. While he was with OW3 I noticed his obsessions meaning less to him. I suppose she was his latest. His FDs and FCs are better than being obsessed with his whores. So it is what it is.

2. I don't want to be alone. I am not afraid to be, I know I would cope. I could even be happy. I also know if I wanted to I could find another man to have a relationship with. Probably a number of men. I am physically attractive and know how to make a man feel good about himself. But I would never want to commit to anyone. I would have lots of casual relationships to meet my own needs. I would not want to risk committing to anyone.

I just don't want to be alone and uncommitted. At least FWH and I share a history (with all its faults) and our children. I'd rather be with him with all his faults, than alone.

3. Is my life and my children's life better if I stay with him or if I leave?
I think it is better for all of us if I stay. I don't want the crap that goes with separate households or new partners. I'm not afraid - I just don't want the drama.

4. My FWH has promised me that he is done with his whoring. I believe him. I believe he truly means he will be faithful for the rest of our lives. He believes it NOW. I suppose my concern is that what he believes now will change. I am sure when we M he believed he would be faithful. But that changed didn't it? After OWzero he told me he was never going to "do it" again, but he did. Three times. And he kept doing it until I busted him. So why couldn't he change again??

I suppose one of my fears comes from his weakness. He has always been weak. He doesn't see this himself but just can't seem to help himself. If he wants something he wants it. The FDs and FCs are a classic example. He has spent probably in excess of $1000 on them. He has gone out this afternoon to buy more. Probably another $200. I don't really care. For heavens sake. It's only money!!! And I truly mean that. The money doesn't worry me - we have credit cards!! He knows we can't really afford it but he wants them. I am not going to argue. He is a big boy. He needs to make his own decisions. I just wish they were responsible ones. Is this a deal breaker? No. Probably not. I have indulged his "wants" throughout our M. What concerns me is that he is still indulging himself.

So why? He knows it is a waste of money we could do with. Just as he knew screwing his whores was bad for our M. So? That didn't stop him. He had to have what he wanted. He still has to have what he wants.

4. After dday I asked him for 3 things - other than the obvious ones like NC.

(a) I asked him to tell me the truth about it all. He minimised and gave me TT. I believe I still am a long way from getting the truth.

(b) I asked him to get tested for STDs. He hasn't. (I have. Three times).

(c) I asked him to see an IC. He hasn't. I have had EMDR.

His sexual pursuits were intense and went on for so long.. They jeopardized our marriage, our family, his health, my health, his job. It was very risky behavior and yet he could not stop.

What I need now is PROOF that he really is different.

He cooks meals (he never did before), He is affectionate. (He never was before). He actually listens to me most of the time (He never did before).

But the key problem - his self indulgence at the expense of everything and everybody else - is still there.

This is what he needs to recognise and deal with. Unfortunately he still doesn't see that!!!

My FWH has lived his entire adult life escaping from himself, his problems, his reality. I aided and abetted this. I indulged him. I helped him. For the sake of peace. I did everything he asked of me, helped him with anything and everything, while putting up with abuse, verbally and in the form of his As.

So.

This is where I am.

I need to try to work out how long I can wait for him to see that his self indulgence is what destroyed out M.

I am patient. I have always been patient. But I am not his mother..

I want him to grow up. But it is hard waiting.

Hugs everyone

Laura


[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:22 AM, October 9th (Sunday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to add

My biggest problems therefore are:

1. Him getting past his self indulgence.

2. Me getting past my hurt and anger.

I think we could have a long term future if these can be resolved.

Am I making sense?

Not sure I know myself.

Not sure.

Does the roller coaster cause insanity?

Sometimes I think I am nuts!!!

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, thanks for sharing how you feel about your M. I strongly believe it is good to get it out on paper how you feel to measure your progress in your R.

I often tell my feelings that are not so prevalent. Most all of the time, my M is like below.

Our day always starts with me making and serving coffee to my W while she gets ready for work. I enjoy my doing my own thing on the internet or reading the paper. We always kiss goodbye. During the day, we talk maybe once, sometimes twice. Usually about what we will do for dinner, meet for lunch, the day’s events etc...We always kiss when we greet. We didn’t do this before dday.

Many evenings after work, we just sit and talk on the deck over a glass of wine. This is when I can tell her how I feel about things. I made a choice not to bring up her affairs, so it is about my feelings, things going on. (BTW, the feelings and discuss can be "affair related" feelings, but I just don't mention the A. i.e. I need more affirmations, I feel low... etc.) We talk about our business, kids, friends, etc. Many evening we do this same thing at the Ruby Tuesday’s or Applebees. I would say we do this 3-5 times a week. I can admit we never did this much before dday. This makes me feel very good and has led to some very good love of touch. Just talking was something we both changed.

I now cook dinner at least once or twice a week for us. I now do laundry too. My W cooks mostly on the weekends. I always took care of the house and still do. These are our love of serve to each other. I now do much more of everything when it comes to service in the house and chores, but it is something I want to do by my own choice. It is a way for me to show my W how much I want to love her.

We watch a Red Box movie every week. Most times we share the couch with touch. I will go to the grocery store with her often these days. Every weekend includes something fun, both alone and with others. It’s usually a game, a movie, a night out, a hike, boating, concerts, shows, or things like that. We always did this kind of stuff before dday and this is not something that changed so much.

Our sex life is good. I never am told no but I also am not going take advantage of my W’s body. I have told her, if she does not want to, just say NO. But she never says no. It still feels great to me.

I try each week to give my wife some sort of love of affirmation. It’s hard. I sometimes buy one rose to send the message. A note left when I leave town for work. This week, she received a bonus at work and second month in a row they gave her one. I gave her words of affirmation. I told her she deserves it, a thank you, and that this kept us “up” these months because of all these extra expenditures lately. Me giving the love of affirmation is not easy. My wife has been saying I am really starting to get in shape. My running, lifting weights and diet is doing it. That makes me feel good. I can tell her she is attractive but she believes she is too fat. She’s not, and what she may not know, is that she could be obese and I would still love her. A hard figure is attractive yes, but I love a soft figure too. I guess I just love a woman’s body. LOL…

Just a normal life... right?

Oh well, going to the game with my son today to affirm a bunch of millionaires on a football field. That's me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:18 AM, October 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryn

Thank you for sharing your story.

I smiled the whole time I read it. Both times!!

I know you still have a lot of hurt but you have also found happiness.

Good for you!!!

I just hope that one day I (and lots of others on SI especially our LTA friends) will feel the same.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for good grades!

We went out with friends last night, and I had a GREAT time. Seriously, had a blast. It was nice to do that again. :)

I'm struggling a bit with trying to make sense of it all.

He says he wanted her to get tired of waiting for him to leave me. She sets plenty of ultimatums, dates by which he was supposed to get out, he never left. He had no intention of doing it. He claims he was hoping she'd get tired of waiting and end it.

He didn't want to end it because:
1) he was perfectly content to use her as long as she'd let him

2) he was afraid she'd tell his employer (which would get him in a ton of trouble because he was her boss up until a few months before dday when she got a job somewhere else)

3) he was afraid she would tell me and I would leave him

Okay, so here comes the completely irrational part. He says he wanted her to get tired of waiting, but he kept stringing her along.

Took her on business trips, gave her MY ring when he proposed to her (WTF!?!?!), told her he loved her all the time (even though he claims he never meant it), let her shack up in my house when I was away taking care of my dying father.

How does any of that send a message that he wasn't leaving me for her? It doesn't. None of that told her he was tired of her and wanted her gone. None of that said he didn't want her.

Again, I know it's not rational....but it's driving me nuts.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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