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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Tribe

I haven't been in here for quite awhile.

R has been going pretty well for us, not perfect, we are a work in progress.

The fly in the ointment? OW attempted contact on Friday. NC since she outed the affair in March 2010 (whole story in my profile) as her dead ex-husband.

OW had a random man call our house on Friday afternoon. Fridays are triggers for me anyway as that was when they met. FWH usually only works half days on Fridays and he would meet OW at hotels for a couple of hours on Friday.

It has become our thing since school started for us to make love on Friday afternoons. I was looking forward to Mr. Sister coming home. We were sitting on our bed talking ( he had just gotten home 20 minutes earlier) and our phone rings. Caller ID isn't a name we recognize, however the last name is the same as a classmates of DS15 so I answered the phone. He asked for FWH. FWH took the phone, listened and said "Yeah.", listened and then said "Thats not going to happen!" and hung up. I asked what that was all about and he said the guy asked him if he knew OW and then told him OW wants him to call her.

I went bat shit crazy. I called the guy back. I asked why he was calling for OW as she obviously had our number. He said she asked him to do it and he didn't know what was going on. I said do you want to know what is going on? I'll tell you what is going on......and he hung up on me. I called back (nobody hangs up on Sister!) and voice mail picked up. I left a message " Whats going on is that OW is a slut who was fucking my husband for years behind my back. Tell her to fuck off and die!"

The next day, Saturday, we all had activities and we were gone from home. We all got back at the same time and I checked my phone to see if we had messages. There was a man's name that I didn't recognize and there wasn't a message, so I just dialed the number. I often do that when it is a person, not a business. A man answered and I told him his number was on my phone, he asked who I was and I told him and he said he must have misdialed.

Then I started to get a sinking feeling in my gut. I looked up this man (why didn't I do that first?) and he lives at the same address as OW. She attempted contact a second time in 2 days.

We had never sent a NC letter because I didn't know about NC letters until I joined SI 8 months after D-day. At that point we hadn't heard from her so we decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

We want to write a NC letter now and don't want to use a lawyer. Mr. Sister thinks OW is doing this for revenge. I think OW is doing this because she thinks Mr. Sister is in love with her and is forced to be with me for whatever reasons her delusional mind has come up with.

When he ended it with her in 2004 he just eased himself out of the situation he never told her he was breaking up with her. Changed his cell # and that was their only means of communication. She has been stalking him ever since. I have detailed some of the stuff she has done on a thread in the R forum called "NC letter to Stalker OW" and haven't gotten much help there (yet), hoping you all have some good advice for me.

Anyway, I think Mr. Sister has to be very blunt and cruel to her for her to get the picture that she means less than nothing to him. Mr. Sister is afraid it will send her over the edge and she will escalate her crazy. He is afraid she will harm me, our children, or/and vandalize our property. Yeah, he picked a winner! I on the other hand will not cowar in fear of what T.C. (the c**t) might do.

Mr. Sister ~ conflict avoider, SisterMilkshake ~ always points out the elephant in the room!

I called the police this morning and they said I could make a report. I will have to ask Mr. Sister if he wants to do that. I don't know what good a police report will do except that we will have some kind of record.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:20 AM, October 31st (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, sister. I forced WH to write an NC letter to his COW over his many many protestations that I was just being cruel to the poor poor COW, that a letter would cause the COW to commit suicide (and that would be my fault), that he knew how to handle the COW, etc. etc. etc. I stood my ground for three days and he finally wrote a letter that read something to the effect of
[COW's actual name],
I love my wife and am working to make things right with her. I do not want to talk with you ever again. Do not contact me.
[WH's signature]

I then mailed the letter to the COW with a signature necessary, so I know she got it. Of course, she has since tried to contact WH. (Which means she survived reading three sentences.)

If you don't have any evidence up to now that the OW is into property/personal destruction, I wouldn't avoid sending an NC letter based on Mr. Sister's fears. I would ask the police (or a lawyer), though, as long as you've already opened a discussion with them, if sending a letter demanding no contact would affect your ability to protect yourself by taking out a RO.

That's just my spitballing reaction, though. And a fun little story.

honest,
How are you doing? Did Mr. Dishonest leave yet?

Happy Halloween to everyone!

Hugs, Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your response, Nell.

I think Mr. Sister's letter needs to be almost cruel for her to understand, stronger than the one your WH wrote.

He told her from the get go he loved me, he was never going to divorce me, that he was only interested in a friends with benefits sitch.

In the phone call before she outed the affair FWH told her on the phone do not call me ever again, I don't want to be friends with you, my wife doesn't want to be friends with you leave us alone. She just won't go away, or really what I want her to do is fuck off and die!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister: Is it possible that a lawyer write the letter to the OW? It would make it official and also it would be documented that it was sent. I agree with Nell that you should check it out with the police what they think would be best for a RO.

Nell: No, Mr. Dishonest did NOT leave yet. I'm trying my best to detach. Mr. Dishonest acts as though everything is fine. Says I should be grateful for what I have
Meanwhile, he is talking/flirting/ with a 19 year old. Told me he was thinking of marrying her, but she's too young, but he is still flirting.....

Keeps crying poverty when it comes to settling with the money he owes me.

When talking about the inheritance he is going to leave and says he's going to give our sons more than the OC's but maybe I might want to do the business here, and OW over there and maybe if I had extra money I could send it overseas to the OC's and OW.
What planet is this man from? He is deranged.

I am starting to move forward emotionally, but feel so trapped financially.

Craziness.....


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well M3... after fighting Washington traffic this week, I decided that it's worse then infidelity. I even saw some road rage but not quick enough with my blackberry so no pic. I-270 was a 3 hour nightmare. Frankly, the only pleasant thought I had was wonder how close I was to you... lol... Anyway, I survived.

Honest, I sure hope you find some way to escape. Make a plan.. a good plan.

Nell, I'm good. Just working, visiting, fishing, movies, a little shopping, eating good food and some football.

Sister... Sounds like you protected your boundary!

Peace out!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn, damn damn....i want off the rollercoaster...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late evening check-in... skimmed messages - hugs to all! Our west coast visit was bittersweet; I love to see my family but distressing at the same time - I am really tired and fighting depression now that we are back.
I'm wondering how recent changes to H's job are going to affect him/us. Also... triggering daily due to H planning a retirement dinner this month for a long-time co-worker/friend where OW will be invited. Work-related phone calls daily during our trip don't help. I don't know yet if she'll attend but I don't see her avoiding the occasion. FWH is not showing any sign of acknowledging that this could be hard for me other than not writing her name on the invite list, only the initials of her current workplace (her boss is invited via email & she is 'cc:d'). Time will tell but my self-esteem is way down and I am worrying already how I'll handle the event!

Re: NC letter
FWH told me he sent one but I never saw it. He deleted it I guess. I found an empty document on his laptop when I searched on her name. He refused to talk about it when questioned. Has never admitted to anything that I didn't discover on my own. His rug-sweeping only contributes to my ongoing unhappiness with his R efforts and lack of confidence in his boundaries.

Hey Nell! missed you.

{{{SisterMilkshake}}}
{{{Honest}}}

{{{IWaM}}}

{{{LTA}}}

off to take nightly meds... hopefully to a dreamless sleep.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe.

Well, sorta.

Got into it with fWH again last night. Seems like every time he sees his IC is a trigger for me. Maybe because he lied to the last one, who never held him truly accountable for what he had done. This new therapist is better, but it still drives me nuts.

Okay, here's a little background. About 6 years ago, he had to go to a work conference in Vegas (goddammit I hate that fucking town). Female co-worker who he was very attracted to threw herself at him. Nothing happened. (He told me about that one right away, and I've always believed him...he actually changed jobs shortly thereafter in part to get away from her).

What a difference a few years makes.

Then, three years ago, dirty whore OW throws herself at him (her 22 year old self ) Even though he wasn't remotely attracted to her, all it took was her willingness and he was all over it like a moth to a flame. Never made him as happy as he thought it would, claims he never considered leaving me, etc....but he didn't stop for three and a half years.

So, what happened between 6 years ago and 3 years ago??? That is the issue I am trying to get him to work on in therapy. He claims he was stressed out because of our life circumstances (I was too though, so it's totally NOT a situational thing. I didn't have an affair, he did)

I'm trying to get him to understand that something within him fundamentally changed between the two women (and I'm using the term loosely). That something that stopped him before when he was clearly attracted didn't the next time even though he wasn't.

Being stressed out isn't a damn reason. A contributing event, sure. But not the "why".

He wasn't this guy before. But he is now. And I need him to figure out what the hell happened.

Does that make sense? Or have I just gone off the damn deep end?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Afternoon Tribe,

honest,

When talking about the inheritance he is going to leave and says he's going to give our sons more than the OC's but maybe I might want to do the business here, and OW over there and maybe if I had extra money I could send it overseas to the OC's and OW
.

I suspect that he says whatever he wants to hear, and whatever makes him feel the best at the moment and in the situation. He has proven that he is not trust-worthy.

iwam,

(()), what's up?

lostsoul,

I presume you H will be attending this party is planning, will you be invited too? If not, his not attending if OW does would be a hard boundary for me.


wye,

Being stressed out isn't a damn reason. A contributing event, sure. But not the "why".

He wasn't this guy before. But he is now. And I need him to figure out what the hell happened.

This issue applied to FWW too. She "passed" on opportunities to have an A with men prior to when she did. The two OM most recently seem to be a combination of losing some support and friends when we moved to this community, the DSs being older, which meant they did not need her so much so she felt abandoned, and opportunity because they needed less of her time. There was also an OM at our previous city that was a convenient opportunity. He had a sad story, worked with her, often after hours, and lived in our neighborhood. This was primarily an EA with 2?xONS.

FWW has been doing better; the IC does seem to help her. She still has a problem with criticism, and is very dependent (her words) on my affirmation of her. She has been making an effort to touch more, although sex is still about 1x a month, but I guess this is an improvement too.

She talked the other day about how crazy it was that she wanted me to help get her OM a job where I was working, that even with her planning to leave me it was clearly a bad idea in retrospect. I added that inviting him to our house for a party was a bad idea too. I still think about him at the party looking at me and now knowing that he was f*cking my wife and being told what an uncaring person I was.

We have talked about emotional intimacy and how we are different, and how sex with the OM was different than with me. With the OM, sex was scheduled and she could control how often, how long, etc. It was exciting because it was anticipated and taboo. It was not an emotionally intimate act. With me, sex is always a possibility since we live together. Every night she worries I will be upset because we do not have sex, she resents that feeling, and so we do not have sex. With me she cannot easily say “well, I have to shower and go to back to work” to end the encounter. With me it is not exciting, and there is a strong emotional component, at least for me.

She is working now, under-employed making what she made in 1996, but I think she is comfortable not being fully in charge and doing work she knows very well. I thought I was out of the running for the job I was pursuing, but they are just slow. I will interview onsite at the end of the month. If this job is offered I will have to finally decide if I want to D or stay with FWW.

There have been a couple of instances where if the OP had been willing I may have thrown away my boundaries. One was when I travelled with my employee, and the other is making email contact with a former girlfriend. In each instance, these women have boundaries, and despite some flirting, there was not flirting back (or I am just a lousy flirt).

Interestingly, there is another woman who has shown up at events where I am in the evening or asked me to coffee to discuss work related topics (but we end up talking about family since our kids know each other). I have not pursued this opportunity, so maybe my boundaries are intact and I realized the other two were “safe” to flirt with.

I hope everyone else is doing OK. Big hug to godsgirl, Nell, Laura, Dip, DP, SMS, m334455, strongish, Tryn, allgood, fnf, njgal, ukgirl, nofun.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:49 AM, November 2nd (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep those boundaries shored up, ats. For YOU. Go back and read my self-flagellating posts if you need to be reminded why. Or PM me and I'll use stronger language than I used here.

Good luck on the job.

WYE,
How about "I am unable to deal with difficulties like a healthy adult, so I choose to turn my back on real life if it gets too hard and soothe myself with the fakery of marshmallow lollipop babytalk world and join reality only when I'm forced to do so"?
Could just be my own situation, though...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell....that's basically what he's saying, yeah.

Ugh.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I'm glad that the worst thing for you lately is the traffic. You are sounding better. I am trying to make a plan, but am starting to realize that the whole world is open to me and I don't have to go back to my old job.

Miracle: We are here for you. Vent!!!

Lost: I agree with Ats, I hope that you are going to this party. I know there is soooo many triggers. We think those triggers would get less intense with time, and some of them do, but others still come back with a vengeance and surprise us with their intensity.

WYE: It's so hard to make sense of it all. I don't think that most WS's really truly understand why they did what they did. Of course they make a thousand excuses, but it is not the real reason. I hope that you can make some sense so you can move on.

I suspect that he says whatever he wants to hear, and whatever makes him feel the best at the moment and in the situation. He has proven that he is not trust-worthy

Ats, thank you so very much for pointing that out!!! You are very insightful. Wow. That really helps.
You and WW are still making slow but sure progress. To tell the truth, a lot of what your WW says I can relate to in some ways. It is her own insecurities and she blamed it on you.... She didn't feel comfortable and secure within herself and looks for outside sources for this, or shuts down completely.
She doesn't trust anyone, least of all herself, but it seems she is making progress that she is starting to recognize some of these things.
I wish you the best of luck with the job. It will be a wonderful thing, and will give you something that you haven't had in a while: freedom to make a choice. A choice for you, Ats. Not one of guilt to stay with WW, for whatever reason, or a choice to stay because you want to.

Good to hear from you Nell, I missed you and your wonderful way with words.

Allgood, check in and let us know how you are doing.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. New meds are working. Back to regularly scheduled M3.

Godsgirl -- I'm sorry you're married to a douche. But happy to have you in our club: "Partners of Douchebags".

Tryn:I always feel for out of towners who have to drive around here. Most people aren't used to needing to leave 3 hours early to get somewhere 20 miles away. And now you know why your federal government is so efficient. At least the roads are endlessly under construction.

Miracle -- what's up?

My new song is the version of Lady Marmalade sung by Maya, Pink, Li'l Kim, Christina Aguleria and Missy Elliot.

Look it up on Vevo. Very entertaining.

The second anniversary of Dday was a few weeks ago. I find myself missing XH a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I sometimes wonder if I should have followed my instinct to go see him after Dday. It's hard to say.

I guess I didn't tell you my Uncle committed suicide in late August. It's been hard on the whole family and is probably why I needed my meds changed more than anything. I'm feeling a bit better now though, and my parents are coming over one day a week to play with the kids and check up on me.

I give you all homework today: today do something kind for yourself. I think I will go get a pedicure this afternoon. Ok. Thanks for being here everyone.

Nell, why don't you tell us how you really feel about Mr. Nell?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heads up, tribe. I may be a blubbering mess searching for attention in the next few days.

I'm going to have the D talk with Mr. Nell tonight. And I plan to file tomorrow. I've been putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. And putting it off. And putting it off.

Because... well, it's unpleasant.

But I'm done being a coward and waiting for I-don't-even-know-what to happen that will allow me to be an innocent bystander instead of the person who points at the king and says that the dude has been nekked for quite some time.

Oooooooooh Lordy this is gonna suck.

Thoughts (prayers, karma, whatever you've got) of strength, please, to help me get through this.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nell)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nell))) Sending you mojo for strength and peace!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Nell}}}} You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming here and vent and get support. D is a hard hurdle, to overcome whether or not you want it. The only thing I can suggest is to try to make it as politely businesslike as possible when you have the talk with WH. Be prepared if he wants to still R and tell him you need to think about it (if you want to) We're here for you.

M3: I'm so sorry about your uncle. But I'm glad that you are feeling better and your parents are there for support.

Miracle, check in!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - thinking of you - you have more strength than I have at the moment.

M33 - Sorry about your Uncle.It never easy when this happens.

Thing for me - haircut & some su while at the pool this w/e... & some fun shopping just me & the kids.

Take care Tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sigh...

No eye contact tonight, little conversation, spending her time focused on DS. I wish she would just come out and tell me what I did to piss her off this time.

Nell, best wishes to you. Namaste

m334455, I am sorry to hear about your Uncle, but glad that you are doing better. What did you mean about contacting your xh soon after dday?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:00 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.... Wishing you courage and peace. I know the hurt is like dday but in time your good choice will be freeing.Look ahead my dear... and never look behind.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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