Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you miracle!

Quick update in WYE land...spent most of the day at the hospital. Mom is in the ICU now, having several days of procedures to try and save her leg.

Dammit.

I lost my Dad already this year. Found out my marriage was a sham. Now this.

On top of everything else, my asthma is acting up something fierce and I'm losing my voice.

At least things with fWH are good. That's something.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning tribe.

Hoping the quiet over the weekend was a good sign?

My mom is still in ICU, they aren't sure if the procedures are going to work.

I've got most of my kids home sick and barfing today....but I think that's someone's way of distracting me from the fact that 4 months ago I found out my husband was a cheating ass.

Talked a lot last night. I think he's finally getting it that his deeper issues (shocker, mostly from his childhood) are what led to him having the affair, not the situation or any of the things he tried to blame it on initially.

Been beating myself up a bit, probably unfairly I know. I really had my suspicions over a year ago, called him on it. He gaslighted me of course, convinced me that I was crazy and distrustful of my "perfect" husband who would never do anything wrong. But I knew. I freaking knew. And he knew I knew.

Yet the charade went on for another entire year.

I didn't dig further, I didn't try to catch him, I convinced myself that if anything happened it was a ONS and moved on. WTH is wrong with me???


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read everyone's... forgot everything immediately. Strongish, so glad to see you back. Thanks to all for the love.

Weekend was good... a bit of HB, WH is sad and blaming himself too much IMO and I told him to stop taking all the problems of the M onto himself and let me own my own shit, I cried a bit (deep but short) with him and that was a good thing because my mood overall is so much better than it has been in a long time. I was dreading change and now that I've kick-started the change, it's a huge relief. (Someone told me to read "Who Moved My Cheese" and I'm passing on that recommendation to anyone who feels stuck and/or afraid of change. Short book, quick read, very good.) I see my lawyer today and will talk with WH tonight about what I've learned.

FWIW I'm perfectly okay with being alone. I think I will find a sense of peace, much like strongish.

Revenge: I no longer care about revenge. The COW is a sad, weak little person who was looking for love and someone to be her KISA. She begged WH to be her daddy and he refused. She crawled after him, begging, more than eight times and he never would give her what she wanted, but she went back on her hands and knees again and again. Plus, she told everyone what was going on in an attempt to paint herself as the victim and get sympathy. So everyone who might not have known how pathetic she is knows because she told them! Sucks to be her.

Meanwhile, look at all the love I have here and IRL! You guys rock. Love love love you all. Hugs all around. XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE...
WTH is wrong with me???

Well, we all have something wrong with us. Right now, you are in emotional pain. The key for you WYE is to somehow never allow this to keep you unhappy.

Yep, you are treating yourself a bit unfairly.

Their are 5 givens in life.
- Everything changes and ends
- Things don't go according to plan
- Life is not always fair
- pain is part of life
- People are not loving and loyal all the time.

If you can somehow learn to embrace these givens in life and somehow drop that deep-seated resistance to these givens, you will be liberated and discover the true richness life has to offer.

You have refuges from these givens...
- Religion.. I believe in God and have seen miracles.
- Distractions.. but they must be healthy!
- Find love again and it will liberate you and view the world as ever-renewing.

I went through all that and tried to place it in a graphic...

You are now a changed woman. You no longer have those same feelings you once had for your H. Your wisdom inside your soul will decide if you can accept these new feelings of which you have no control over. That innocence is gone forever. Your H is no longer that man you once knew. He is now imperfect beyond the old imperfection.

I will tell you my choices. I choose love my W. She is very good to me and I get treated very well. I choose to treat her very well. Sadness has escaped me now for weeks and weeks because she has changed and does not do what she once did. I have found love again with my W. It does not mean I have a day where my feelings are not so rosy. We both can be undesirable. I point it out if I am being treated undesirable and try to be desirable myself. But overall today, I feel good and have so much to be thankful for.

WYE, I also know more pain will come in my life. I will cry too when it comes. I will also find my way back to a renew.

You too will find your way with some effort I know you are working on it. Peace be with you and my prayers are with you and your mom.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:55 AM, November 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their are 5 givens in life.
- Everything changes and ends
- Things don't go according to plan
- Life is not always fair
- pain is part of life
- People are not loving and loyal all the time.

I know all this. My life has never worked out the way it was supposed to, and I'm beyond used to it.

I know that I'm just wallowing in self pity today.

This sucks. Infidelity sucks. Reconciling sucks. All of it.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE,
I too suspected, asked him, he denied and I believed his lies. There was nothing wrong with me. We are (a) people who are adult enough to try to confront problems by talking about them, (b) trusting and/or (c) not ready to deal with the enormity of the situation. I was a, b and c. While I wish that he would have come clean or at the very least not been so damn sneaky (he left no clues), I'm okay with my actions.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a,b, & c here too, Nell.

My dad was dying, I know that I just wasn't in a place to pursue it further.

Plus, I really wanted to believe him. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted my W when I was 45 years old too. She lied too. I placed a gps in my W car at that time but felt too guilty to keep it in any longer than a couple days. I wish I had kept it in longer but I too wanted to believe. I made a mistake but that was then, and this is now. I learned and I won't make it again.

They lie because deep in their soul they know the pain and hurt it will cause when caught. I believe this is something that comes natural to us all when we know we do something evil. Who wants to hurt someone they marry? So they hide it and go to extreme to keep it a secret. The fears are just too great. But when someone cheats long enough, it always gets exposed.

WYE... So you know pain? I didn't until I was 47. Some people know it from an early age, some only later in life. Some pain is because of the choices we make, some is caused by things out of our control.

All we can do is make choices for today and hope they are good ones. I think you try hard to make a choice to face life going forward as a healthy person.

You love your mom and she is ill. I would feel the same pain if I know someone I care about is hurting. This is sign of a caring and compassionate person. That is you and never lose it!

Your pain is going to pass if you can know it for what it is and allow this to pass in time.

Ok so you admit self-pity. We all do that too.. lol... That is a good thing and maybe it is just for today. I read once self-pity is learned from FOO. So now start to re-training your brain and start a new way of thinking. Are you walking, working out or running? Choose gratitude too.

I wish you Confidence today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:14 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey INN, your post struck a chord with me.

In spring of 2007 I confronted FWW about a suspected A. I had cellphone records and "friend" involvement I knew of with the OM. In retrospect, I had plenty of information. She and a well-meaning friend convinced me that I was over-reacting and jealous. I went on to 4 months of IC and a 2 year prescription for Lexapro to manage my anxiety. The IC asked if she would come in, but she refused. Her phrase at the time was that I was the "broken" one.

It ends up that her A with the OM I suspected was winding down and she was beginning what would become a 2+ year A with her board member. All during this time I was again suspicious, I had the same evidence, but I felt like it would be whining to bring this up again after I had "over-reacted" the last time. She kept saying it was work related and that he was a mentor, and I just kept working on being a better Atsenaotie. I did even more house work. I tried to schedule activities. I bought her gifts. I gave her free rein in spending and travel alone. Of course none of this worked.

When I did uncover the truth after seeing some stexting between her and her BIL, I still hoped she could again convince me that I was wrong, that nothing was going on. Even in the face of her admissions, I was so willing to accept her minimized accounts. I simply could not believe that this was true, something she would do to me.

To this day I am still bothered by that missed opportunity in 2007 (hence my rambling post), and how willing I was to overlook and be accepting. It makes me wonder why I am so accepting now of her lack of intimacy, preferring solitaire on her iphone over time with me.

She has “not known about” and therefore did not apply or applied too late for 3 different jobs she would be qualified for that would pay substantially more than what she is making now. I am wondering if she intentionally applied for only lower paying work with no benefits so that there would not be enough money for us to separate. Even if I get this job with a 20% raise, it will be hard to add apartment rent and another vehicle to the budget and make ends meet. Last weekend was great (too good, over the top), but lately I just feel trapped.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:33 PM, November 7th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yeah, I know pain. Too well.

My husband had cancer, we went through infertility, I lost a baby, my dad died this year (I was his primary caregiver at the end too). Yep. This isn't my first trip to the rodeo.

Really thought losing my dad would be the worst thing that happened this year. Nope.

He didn't choose to die. My husband chose to have an affair, then he chose to keep lying to me about it for months after I found out.

I'm a very resilient person, and I know that in the end, I will be okay, regardless of whether my marriage works or not.

Just feeling sorry for myself today, and I don't do well with things being out of my control. Seems like I've been an unwilling rider on this downward spiral for a few years now. Between my mom, my dad, my husband....it's just overwhelming sometimes.

Boo freaking hoo, right? Off to find my big girl panties....


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever... I wish I could take all that away and all that didn't happen.

You need some peace.

I can tell. You are a strong woman.

I'm not sure if I made you feel worse or gave you strenght?

I went fishing today. Caught two bass and tricked them in to biting a plastic worm. It felt great. WYE, you got a fishing pole?

Maybe this will cheer you up?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs8UzupRdiE&feature=related


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd settle for a few days of mediocre and boring.

I don't fish, but I have been going out and fiddling with my camera a lot lately. Photography and writing are my outlets, and they help a ton.

I'm okay. I just want a vacation from my life for a few days. LOL


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dropping by to say hi to the Tribe and I will try to catch up in bite-size pieces over the next few days. i don't have time to read at all at the minute.

DS27 & DS25 arrived a week ago are here for another 10 days, so I will be spending as much time as possible with them before they go back “home” to NZ. DS23 and his gf travelled up with them from the airport and so we had a houseful for three days before dropping off the gf to get a train back to London and the three boys and I went to see the grandparents. The boys were put up in the pub over the road.

fWH and DS17 came down to join us too but were massively late due to one of the worst motorway crashes in about 20yrs. They were, thankfully, on the other side of the motorway, but the pile up was 21 cars and 6 lorries, one of which burnt for several hours. There were fireballs when the petrol tanks went up periodically. A nightmare. fWH had various people sitting in and using his car while all he and DS17 could do was watch and wait, surrounded by emergency services. They got in about 2.30am. So the arrangements for the weekend were changed and my IL’s came over to my parents on Saturday, which was very tiring for my Dad who has advanced cancers and is very frail. But it was great that we were all together, the six of us and both sets of grandparents. We all knew it was for the last time, even though nothing was said.

And here I am, still carrying this secret. And my heart crumbles into tiny pieces when I look at them and wonder if I’ll ever tell them. They were looking at our wedding photos at my Mum’s……

So, I’ll be back as and when. Big hugs to y’all.
UKg


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK

((((HUGS)))))

So happy to hear you were all safe. Read about the pile up and thought about you straight away.

As for OW3's family. Well... thats a different story.

Saw her Sat. The more I think about her behaviour that day the more I think she was giving me the finger.

So nice to know you.

I was starting to develop an irrational prejudice against POMS. (only because of OW3)

Enjoy your family. We will still be here when you come back.

Take the time with them. Enjoy them. Forget the LTA just for a little while. Life is too short.

HUGS

Laura

Edited because I have had too many reds

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:58 AM, November 8th (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in after a bit of a lull. Sorry to see that some of you have been having a lousy time lately. I don't want to miss anyone out so I'll just send hugs to everyone going through all this. Sometimes it can all be just too overwhelming so I thought this might help:


"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
~ St. Francis of Assisi ~


I'm trying to simplify my life right now so what did I do? I brought a new puppy into my life. Total chaos now!


Love Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((UKgirl))

Try to just enjoy the time with your family. Lost my dad this year, my mom is very ill. The time we have is never long enough, make the most of it.

Ellejay - yay for puppies! Sometimes life needs a little unbridled chaos. :)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe,

As usual I'm always lurking and trying to keep up with everyone's sitch. I don't post often and one of the main reasons is I feel like after 2+ years I should be giving more back than I am taking from this group and I just don't seem to be able to do it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I am still having so much trouble some days. Don't get me wrong, the good days are lasting longer and longer which is why I think the bad days hurt so much more. It's like learning to ride a bike and falling off. You get to a point where you feel like you shouldn't fall off anymore and when you do you feel pretty stupid. I guess that's my problem.

Things have gone fairly well and FWW seems to be doing all of the right things but there are just days when I can't feel anything but depressed about what she did and where we are at. I used to be a fun person. I used to be able to write very well and it was one of my best means of expression. I used to look forward to things. But that's all changed now. I'm not even sure if I like who I've become.

I've finished (for now) with EMDR and it has made a world of difference in my ability to emotionally handle a lot of things both about the A and my childhood. But I still have days where I'm not able to tell myself why I stay other than I'm just to lazy to do anything else. So much time has passed that I think I feel guilty for feeling like this. I also have far to many days when my gut says I really haven't gotten all of the story.

Just a very down day. Thanks for listening. It feels better to know that you guys are out there listening and understanding where I'm at. Without that I would truly feel like I am losing my mind.

jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jollum)))

We're quite the exclusive club here, aren't we.

I have a hard time feeling that way, and I'm only 4 months out. I'm sure that the struggles aren't going away for a long time, if they ever really do.

I'm hoping to make peace with it all someday. That's probably just going to have to be enough.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum.

There is no set timetable saying where you should be concerning this roller coaster ride. Don't be embarrased about how you feel. Everyone here feels or has felt the feelings that you just described. It seems like it is part of our job description. Post more of your thoughts here. It is good for you and good for all of us. I think that we all learn from each other when we read all these thoughts. You are giving back even when you do not think you are.

Tribe. The subject of pain and how life is not fair really rings a bell with me. When I was in my early 20's I had a parent pass away. A little over a year my other parent died. A year after that I had D-day #1. Now that was a big plate full of crap. I was pretty young to handle all that and did face it all with almost no outside help. One of the biggests things I used to get me through that time was the fact that I knew others who had faced worse times. I'm not sure if that is a healthy was to handle things like this and I am sure many would advise against my method but it was all I really had. I just thought that if the other people I knew could survive so many bad things that had happened, that I too could survive.

Nell & Strong.

It is good to hear from you. I have been wondering what was going on with your situations.

I have been lurking when I have had the chance. I have been a little sick and have spent the passed several days in and out of various Dr. offices and testing facilities being poked and prodded, donating various bodily fluids and mostly sitting in waiting rooms with sick old grouchy people. My problem wasn't really life or death but it was serious enough that most everybody I delt with was pretty concerned. They did not seem to understand when I tried to cheer them up with jokes and wise ass remarks. After trying out many different meds it seems that I may be cured and will live to laugh and grill for at least little while longer.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Rushing past.

Jollum

It is good for you and good for all of us. I think that we all learn from each other when we read all these thoughts. You are giving back even when you do not think you are.

Thanks for saying that Dip. So true. Lurkers please don't hesitate to post. We all have so much to share. Even the down feelings help - they make us realise we are normal.

Dip

it seems that I may be cured and will live to laugh and grill for at least little while longer.

Thank God!!

Gotta run. Late for work

HUGS

laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.