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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I've had to stop buying wine altogether. I have zero self-control with it. Everything else I can take or leave.

Jollum,
Hugs. You are loved.

dip,
So glad everything is okay. (Right?) The smartassiness... really, none of them appreciated it? Weird.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, November 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip -

Glad to hear all is well, though I'm a bit disappointed that they didn't enjoy your wit and sarcasm. LOL


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - glad to hear you are well!

Btw - new guy appears to be a dead end, but the result has been to throw the X into a tizzy, even though I tried to keep the whole thing off his radar. X now loves me, misses me & wants to go out on a "date". Asked me twice already over the past 2 days.
It's really just sad. (And, I mean that - just sad for everyone.)

Hope everyone else is well.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 10:41 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their are 5 givens in life.
- Everything changes and ends
- Things don't go according to plan
- Life is not always fair
- pain is part of life
- People are not loving and loyal all the time.

Tryn & Tribe - it seems so many of us right now are experiencing the "life is not always fair" given as well as the 4 other givens Tryn has listed.
I have avoided posting for a while trying to figure out what I was feeling. One thing I have been struggling with is I just don't know if I really love my H anymore. It's the classic, ILY But N"IL"WY anymore.
I think it relates to the #1 given. So many things have changed. Learning about my H's 8 year A broke me in a way I never could have expected. Trying to work through that as you all know is the painful, stressful, difficult process and losing that belief in the love of my H has been very damaging to me.
But somehow through all of that pain believing that I would survive and come out on the other side gave me hope. First in small bits but later, as time went on, my hope grew. I honestly believed that if we could survive this our M would be so much better, so much stronger and I would have been happy to have stayed and fought to save our M.
Well, as given # 2 states, things don't always go according to plan.
The sad news here in FNF land is that my H has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He had to give up his job, he is here 24/7, requires so much attention and care and needs to be taken to multiple drs. visits and hospital tests.
My heart is broken.

I needed to believe throughout my recovery that in the end we would have the M I always dreamed of but looks like it's not going to happen. Instead I have become his caregiver, with him leaning on me for almost all aspects and I am not dealing well at all.

I am sorry for my pity party but after reading about the others here who are struggling too (and sending hugs to you all) I hoped you wouldn't mind my sharing my sad tale.

A few hugs from some old friends would be great.
Hugs to all the tribe and gratitude to you all for being there.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, fnf, I am SO SORRY. My MIL has Alzheimer's and of course we know others with the disease. It is heartbreaking and extremely hard work for the caregivers. I hope that you are searching for all the services out there to help you, and are taking care of you as always. Big big hugs.
((((((((((((((FNF))))))))))))))


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Nell for your post. I think part of my difficulty right now is the anger I am feeling. I keep going over my M vows in my head, "In sickness and in health" and thinking how easily he broke the # 1 vow to me. I am not one who can walk away from this but I have to find a way not to let my anger interfere with my care.
I feel like I have been given a prison sentence and then I feel so guilty for looking at this so selfishly. After all, it is my H who has been given the diagnosis.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((FNF))

I really have no words... but you are in my prayers.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((((fnf)))))))))))))

I don't know what to say. My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget... I PM'd you a test to take.

We have talked about what is love before and I know many of you debate me. FNF, I suspect you do love your H. I am 100% sure love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Your feelings come and go based on if someone is loving you. You can make a choice to love someone or not. The feeling come with that choice or follow that choice.

Love of touch, word affirmation, acts of service, gifts and quality time.

We can make a choice to end a relationship. You should if you are in a bad relationship.

Forgivenotforget… Yes, from the bottom of my heart, I believe those are givens in life. We somehow must find happiness by embracing those givens.

Human life is like the seasons. A Spring full of renewal as the cold wet snow melts or the springtime rain that will turn the seeds into new life. Over the Summer, we mature into a woody stalk, swimming and sunshine. We strengthen only to see Fall start to gain in some coldness, less sunlight, and the beginning of end of green but those colors. And Winter, cold and dark, the change of death. Our lives are up and down.

So how do we embrace those givens? What does this mean? Dealing with mental hurt I suppose.

So the answer is… the metaphor… We must turn it into Spring again.

I went fishing again at lunch today. Oh that simple flipping of billy bass bit my line and only a brief snag. He jumped out of the water and got off. I said, Dang it! My brief peace now going back to a busy week until Friday evening.

I pray you find your own peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FNF))))

I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling right now.

Though it's not even close to the same situation, I've learned to embrace compassion and forgiveness and humanity at times in my life where I was tested more than ever.

My father just died of lung cancer, my mother is probably losing her leg (and therefore becoming the next person I spend all my time caring for). My dad smoked, she smokes and has completely out of control diabetes. She made her choices, just as my father did. They both are/were almost entirely responsible for their health, and for the resulting damage it caused to all of us.

At the end of the day though, you will, I believe, do as I have. You will accept that the things he has done have damaged him and damaged you. You will accept the fact that though you may never love him the same way, you will always love him. You will find compassion and kindness in a place that perhaps there shouldn't be. And you will forgive him.

As with an affair, there is no going back and fixing the wrongs, no way to reverse the damage. What is done is done. You have to go forward from here.

You will find strength you weren't sure you had.

I wish you peace.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((FNF))))))))))
praying for you.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FnF))))

Please know that you have my prayers also. My Mother suffered with Dementia for several years before leaving us and it is a hard road to travel. You can do it though. I know you can.

jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf.

I have to ask this question. Who made the diagnosis that he has alzheimers and have you had several opinions? I had a in-law who was diagnosed with this disease. It turned out that he had a chemical imbalance complicated by several drugs he was taking. The treating Dr. stated that he would never be able to left alone and would require 24/7 supervision either in home or in a nursing home. This was a highly respected psychiatrist who was the treating Dr. He was hard to argue with. To make a long story short my in-law's family Dr changed the meds and this man who "could never be left on his own again", lived unsupervised for around 10 more years before his heart quit. Part two. Another relative was diagnosed with this horrible disease when all she has is mild dementia but was having a hard time mentally after a couple of major surgeries. Five years later and she is doing pretty good. She is just a little more forgetful than normal.

I am not saying that Alzheimers is not real and that all diagnosis are wrong. I have seen more than one person with this disease. I just wonder how many people are labled with this problem who do not have it. It seems like a long shot that I would have personal experience with two cases since I am not involved with anything to do with things of this nature on a day to day basis.

Fnf. If he does have this problem I hope you are able to get as much help as you can. Taking care of someone 24/7 is almost impossible for one person to handle. Like Nell said, please use all the services that are out there. Hugs to you fnf.

Thanks to all who wished me well. Nell is smartassiness a real word? It seems that Drs and nurses do not like humor at certain times. I once was in intensive care with complications from surgery. I was pretty sick. They were all debating if I should be flown by helo to a larger hospital. I was high on morphine and tried to make a few jokes in order to lighten everyone up. They did not understand why I was joking. Hell, I would rather go out laughing than whining.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to believe that no matter how long, how hard you try to R, the evilness of the betrayal always raises it’s ugly head.


So tonight was my turn at it.


It started with Ashley Madison’s new ad. An obese girl whole was placed in the ad… Something to the effect, would you like this every night? When you can cheat have a beautiful girl.


Which lead to me saying the owner of that site is an evil man… and my wife revisiting history, regretting moving to Indy, marrying young.. me saying you need to live for today and her saying I control her. Me saying you don’t forgive me for moving you away from her family… Me pumping myself up saying I don’t regret any choice I made in life… her saying she doesn’t get why I have not advanced in my career.. calling me mr perfect, judgemenental… me telling her to make choices that make herself happy.. have courage to do what she wants to do…her jealousy about my job thinking she works harder, yet a fraction of the pay.. talk of the pressures of having sex with me… and talk of her infidelity…


On the surface, I know I feel pretty good right now. I guess that hurt still is deep inside and for some reason she believe she is so obligated to me to work, to have sex with me… It just goes to prove that when you cross that line of being faithful, it just make a relationship that much harder. Wasn’t too pretty. Is it a full moon or something?


I guess I’ll get back on the ole saddle.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - Cyber hugs coming your way.


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, November 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((fnf))))

ok, yes he got the diagnosis, but the diagnosis isn't just about him, its about you and him, its about your family, its about what you will have to endure, its also about some freedoms...

freedom to choose to which path is your path of least regret,
freedom that eventually should you choose to become his immediate caregiver, you have the knowledge of a few things...first...short term memory will go first meaning the ow will fade fast....
second...he will get to a point that you will be able to call him every name in the book over and over again and he will not remember it....

oh, fnf, i know this is such a serious subject, my heart wished to lighten yours....

and there is no shame in not being able to do it...not be the primary caregiver...it will get to that point eventually....

this is def one of those life sucks an egg moments....

tryn: yes tryn get back on the saddle..we all have those days...its when those days completely outnumber the good ones that we may need to restock..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
I know i'm seriously harsh, but I think I would find him other care. He's really put you through so much. And now your reward for sticking it out is that it gets worse? Bag that.

God bless klonopin. But curse anxiety. Oh well. It helps a lot. It makes me laugh though, we gave the dog benzos during thunderstorms and car rides to help him get over his phobias. Now I'm getting the dog treatment. So funny!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF, I somehow left out the part about letting go in my last post.

If you cannot care for yourself (mind, body and spirit) while caring for him, it is completely okay to stop and find him another situation. There is nothing wrong with it at all. Most people can handle caregiving for only a short period of time before it starts to wear you down.

Take care of yourself first. If you can still take care of him, and want to, then do it.

But there is nothing wrong with saying no. (and eventually, he won't have any idea anyway, the blessing and curse of Alzheimers I suppose)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
I hope this day brings you both peace. I know those conversations. I don't have them any longer because I know how they will go (I will feel worse for letting him in), and soon I won't have to NOT have them, either.

fnf,
Please don't let yourself get bogged down with survivor's guilt on top of everything else. You need to take care of you. Period. Saying "I cannot handle your care" is not cruel. It's brave and honorable. Saying "I will care for you" and resenting every second of it will only poison everything in your life and his. More hugs today. I know it hasn't gotten easier overnight. If you're feeling overwhelmed, do check into one possible service today just to gather information. The unknowns are so difficult.

m3,
Thank God for you. I was thinking the same thing and instead of leaving the harsh alone, I painted it a pretty shade of pink and tied a bow around it.

I got the papers from the lawyer yesterday. As soon as WH signs them (tonight, I hope), my lawyer will file. Calling our MC to see if he can recommend someone for the Boyos. That one is causing me a great deal of anxiety so I'm completely amped up today. It's seriously like I'm on meth or something. I'm not even talking normally. Anyway. I'll feel better once I've stopped gonna-doing that and have done it.

I feel like at this point I should be posting in D/S but this is home.

Anyway. Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tribe, a rough few days it looks like (and yes, tonight is the full moon).

Tryn,

What I see in your post is what I experience in my life. Your W has ended her A and works at being a better partner, but the underlying traits that primed and enabled her A remain. Traits like not living in the present and blaming the past for current discomfort rather than taking action:

... and my wife revisiting history, regretting moving to Indy, marrying young.

and projecting, along with a hint of I would be happier if we just had more money or didn’t have to work so hard:

her saying I control her. … her saying she doesn’t get why I have not advanced in my career.. calling me mr perfect, judgemenental…her jealousy about my job thinking she works harder, yet a fraction of the pay.

and I get these too:

...talk of the pressures of having sex with me… and talk of her infidelity

We take a different tack on the sex, and I am not sure which is best. You initiate when you want some loving, your W complies, but resents feeling pressured. I do not initiate, and so we only have sex when FWW feels in the mood, so any pressure is self-imposed, but I am thinking I do not want to accept sex once a month or less the rest of my life.

My FWW is still not fully responsible for her life either. Instead, she is still basing her success and happiness on what she believes I am thinking or feeling. Unfortunately, she is too afraid of what the truth might be to actually ask me or talk to me about it. Anytime we hit a rough spot it ends up being because I was not being honest or open about my feelings.

forgivenotforget,
I am so sorry to hear of your FWH’s diagnosis. I too looked for a better than ever M after the crap got worked through. Then I realized how much FWW had to work through, and that she might never get through it all. I posted here months ago about feeling like I needed to stay with FWW to keep her in IC and working towards a healthier life, and the consensus was that her issues were not my issues (unless I wanted them to be) regardless of the in sickness and health vows. I think the same can be true for you. He trashed the M, you were giving him a chance to redeem himself, but I do not think from your posts that he was there yet. If you want to care take as an act and expression of your love for him that is wonderful. If you are doing this out of a sense of obligation to him, I suggest you re-evaluate. You can be a friend, but you do not need to be the care taker. FWIW, I have seen a grandparent and an in law run their health into the ground taking care of a spouse who each of them loved and cared for. In each instance, the family was urging them to take advantage of outside care.

((ImNellNow))

allgoodnamesgone,

X now loves me, misses me & wants to go out on a "date".

Soon after dday FWW told me I did not love her, I just did not want anyone else to have her. There may be some of this in his feelings. He was not willing to do what you asked when he felt comfortable you would always be around, but now that he realizes he has lost you he is feeling possessive.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:55 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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