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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33- Yay! for Baby Paddy! She sounds like such a cutie. Does she call you mimi?

Lostsoul- Try to stay calm about the office party. Hopefully the OW will not show up. And..if she does..remember you have all of us on LTA as your support! Email us from the party and we'll cheer you on.
Showing a happy, affectionate,united front in front of the OW is the best revenge...

Jollum- I totally get what you are saying.
I think your FWW is very misguided in her thinking.
I say stay far away from this toxic woman! She is no friend of yours and certainly not a friend of your marriage. I really do believe that people are influenced by their peers.
So many WS had toxic friends that had also had affairs or were ok with the idea of infidelity etc.
I would put my foot down and tell my FWH that he could not socialize with someone that I felt was toxic.
Actually, I have said this and he has distanced himself from all of his toxic work friends (and these were people that he had worked with for over 30 yrs).
He has also distanced himself from all of his old drinking buddies....
we have been hanging out with couples that are 'friends of our marriage' and also supporters of our reconciliation.....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to stay calm about the office party. Hopefully the OW will not show up. And..if she does..remember you have all of us on LTA as your support! Email us from the party and we'll cheer you on.

Thanks NJ! I am very grateful for the support of our LTA tribe.

I don't have a Blackberry so don't know about emailing SI from the party. I have texting ability but no contact info for any of you. If anyone wants to PM me about this or being a FB friend I'd be very open to it. I'd like to be in contact personally but I'm aware that this is a safe, anonymous place for most of us.

So many WS had toxic friends that had also had affairs or were ok with the idea of infidelity etc. I would put my foot down and tell my FWH that he could not socialize with someone that I felt was toxic.
Actually, I have said this and he has distanced himself from all of his toxic work friends (and these were people that he had worked with for over 30 yrs).

This is part of my problem, NJ. The party invites include the group of employees that were involved in both of H's NYE betrayals and/or drinking after work staff. This was an ongoing problem before the A and he knew what I thought about his drinking with this group (his subordinates)! I feel that he chose the OW knowing that she would be the most hurtful person he could choose to betray me with -online and IRL. His gaslighting and lying still hurts so much 4 1/2 yrs after Dday... sorry Newbies who would find this info most discouraging.

On a happier note:
Hurray for Paddy! so glad to read of her tremendous progress. {{{M3 & Paddy}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone...been checking this from my phone when I have a chance.

She isn't doing too well with the new reality (it really didn't hit her until after the surgery).

And yeah...forgot who asked, but it was diabetes. And smoking. :( This completely did not need to happen.

Her other foot is questionable, and the surgeon wasn't even sure that the amputation site will heal as the blood supply there doesn't seem great either.

It's just shit.

All of it.

On the upside, I think fWH is making progress. Slow and I'm fighting him ever damn step of the way...but he's getting there. Why can't they just see:
1) that the damage is far worse than they ever could have imagined, even in their worst cast scenario
2) that the reasons "I just did", "I don't know" and "because it was too easy" aren't the real reasons
3) that finding the real reasons is going to require some ugly introspection, but that's the only way we as BSs can ever trust them again
4) that just saying they won't do it again is so far from being enough that it's not even worth saying
?????

I have been frustrated, but I think he is finally starting to see that I'm not crazy, that there's more to his issues than the fact that there was a willing nasty partner.

He brought me home flowers and beer, bought me flowers to take to my mom even.

Gave me a hug and said he wants to make the future better.

I really needed to hear that today.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye: concentrate on your mom first and foremost and try, and yes i know how hard it is, put your ws far far away in the deep recesses of your mind for now anyways....take everything at face value and never forget who he is...

as for your mom, yes it could have been prevented, but she is a grown woman who now has to live with her very serious consequences and try to remember those who smoke...its not just an addiction, its a crutch for everything in your life....and her crutch just basically gave out on her...she still needs your support, and of course she is upset who wouldn't be....and i hope she IS more upset with herself, because its not too late to quit to stop the future damage she will eventually have...so take care of mom first and you and your kids second....

tryn: your issue you say...so all of it is your projection...have you ever given it some thought to just ask her how she feels about it, ask her if she feels comfortable with your initiating, ask her if that is what feels natural to her....and if that is it then i think its time to retrain your brain to adjust to that is just the way lots of women are....

if her answers though come back that she does feel like that "hole"...then work on it together to find out why..


jollum: well i have mixed feelings on your predicament...first i love love love your wifes response to all of it, i love that she has said and did all the right things...now what your wife is trying to do is admirable but also puts you in an uncomfortable position so tell her that it makes you uncomfy and that she needs to choose which path she will take, the one where she will waste breath on someone who is not willing to see her actions or choose you and your feeling...im bettin that if she really has undergone the "change" she will choose wisely


lostuol...i hate that you have no one irl to turn too...i am plannin on bein out otherwise i would tell you text me....i would never hear it or feel it.....i hope you find someone who will be there for you...and def try to access thru ur phone.,...those phones have come such a long way


yay baby paddy....


still riding the rollercoaster here, looking forward to my nite out on sat...i need it....


(((tribe)))


oh btw, say a small prayer for honest her npd ws is still in town....he supposed to leave sat...def not soon enough


(((nell))) sending good postive thoughts and prayers your way....and yes the journey is long, but this leg of the journey is hitting an important crossroads that will hopefully lead you to a better place

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:47 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I forgot to share this conversation we had last night and a little this morning. I was tired and exhausted, and I was crying. Some stupid tv show triggered something, and I just asked him why. He was almost in tears too.

Then this morning, I asked him how he can be so sure that he's here for good now. How is what he feels for me "real", when he thought it was with her? He said he just knows because he is happy. Then he asked if I was happy.

My answer, something like this:

Hell no I'm not happy. I feel like the last 3+ years have been a lie, like I don't know who the man I married ever really was. I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust him again. Happy is not at all how I feel.

That's what he took with him going into IC today. He came home, I don't know...just different. Maybe he really is starting to understand.

Or maybe I'm just too tired to argue anymore.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((lostsuol)) I will be thinking about you at your party. You will be stunning and you will hold your head up proudly because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Remember, they always "affair down". Regardless of what she may project to you she is a sleaze who sleeps with married men. You are soooo much better than that.

((WYE))
It really sounds like your FWH is making progress, it's excruciatingly slow I know but progress none the less. I'm praying for strength and peace for you.

Miracle, I always love your comments. You seem to have the ability to see depth in situations so quickly. Thanks.

njgal, You are right. I need to just say I don't want her around this woman at all.

We had a bad night last night as I tried to make her understand why I didn't want her around miss toxicity. She is taking the stance that she doesn't want to judge how this woman thinks or feels because she is not exactly sure. I said I didn't care I just really am uncomfortable with FWW being around her. She seemed to think it was all about me judging this woman and I am just trying to get across that I think she is dangerous to our marriage. Spent the rest of the evening and this morning not speaking. I give her kudo's for not judging the woman because she projects (which is how she justified her A, I didn't care, I didn't blah, blah) her feelings onto others and she is learning that is wrong. I guess I should be glad for the "slow" progress I'm seeing (jollum inserts foot into mouth after re-reading his advice to WYE).

(((tribe)))


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW is telling me this and says maybe she could talk to her and help her understand how wrong her thinking is. Miss toxicity is wanting to go out to dinner and hang out with FWW so they can "talk". I've told FWW that I'm freaking out about this and she has told me she will not jeopardize all we've worked for.

Jollum - I really don't understand your W's position here. First and foremost, her responsibility is to you and your M. Why does she feel the need to show "miss toxic" (btw, love this!) how wrong her thinking is? If she is really doesn't want to jeopardize all that you've worked for then she has to consider how her meeting with miss toxic is very upsetting to you and is jeopardizing your progress. Once we discover our S's LTA's and once our S's choose to commit to R, there is no other option than to always make choices that continue to improve the M. Every decision that makes the BS uncomfortable takes its toll on recovery. I do hope your W rethinks her decision. She needs to understand that the only responibility she has is to you and your M, not little "miss toxic."


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to make some phone calls, but wanted to stop in, say hello, and brain dump just a bit.

m3,
I love that Baby Paddy. Go, girl!!!

njgal,
I love your reminders of how a remorseful WS should act. Every single time you mention the things yours did, I think, yeah... not even close and it validates me a bit to think that people *could* act like stand-up folks after f^@#ing up instead of continuing to act like dumbass f^@#ers. Not pointing any fingers, or anything.

WYE,
Continued hugs. Please let your mom's problems be her problems; you don't need to carry her load, too. It's so good to hear that your WH is standing up! Good job, Mr. Worst.

suol,
I sent you a PM.

miracle,
I am in a good place right this very minute. I have good people IRL who have my back. I'm grateful to everyone here, too. I am blessed.

jollum,
Just ARGH. Hoping she sleeps on it and figures it out. Sometimes it takes me a few days of getting over myself before I can adjust to new information. Maybe this is your WW, too? Or maybe not. Just throwing that out there.

tryn,
Don't know what to tell ya. Hang in there.

ats,
You, too.

So yesterday we interviewed a mediator (to do the bulk of the figuring things out stuff) and it went well. He restated everything I already knew and added a couple new bits of info. It was all new to WH, though, so that was helpful. Last night was tough for WH, but okay. He's needy right now and that's fine with me. I can nurture the crap out of anyone. I talked to my mom; she told me a few things that made me grin like an idiot the rest of the night. Won't go into them, but my dad SO has my back. And he's a smart cookie. And knows people. And I'm his kid. So I'm fine.

Today we met with a child counselor to discuss telling the Boyos, etc. She was thrown by our lack of hostility but gave us some much-needed insight. Said that we might find that if we can continue to have a friendly relationship, that the Boyos probably won't need outside counseling at all. And that the statistics about Children Of Divorce are based on children whose parents are generally hostile to one another, so not to worry about the negative outcomes too much as long as we can play nice. YAY!!! She is married to a man with ADHD and one of her kids is ADHD, so she has good insight on Boyo1, though, so we're keeping her in our pocket for right now.

WH said some things in the meeting that left me thinking, "yes, right decision." Nothing horrible, but I had to stifle myself when he called continuing his affair for three or more months after DDay#1 "my little relapse" and then repeated it several times. No, he didn't continue his affair. He RELAPSED. But just a little. When asked what, if anything, we would need to NOT get divorced, he said "a crystal ball that would tell us that we will be happy in the future." And I said that *we* had done everything we could possibly do and that there was no option left but divorce. (Yes, I was being kind. He thinks he has worked his ass off. Who am I to tell him that he is capable of doing more than almost the bare minimum?) I just love it. Crystal ball! Talk about "magical thinking!"

Anyway, as I said, I am in a good place right now and wanted to share.

Hugs all around. Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have not had the opportunity to catch up - but a quick shout out to

DP - big move. I'm proud of you. You won't regret it.

and

Nell- Good for you. Just so you know, my kids are doing really well. Even started visiting at X's apt the last 2 weekends (only for a few hours at a time - tho 2 of my kids chose to stay overnight on one occasion) in addition to the time they spend with him when he is at my house. We've celebrated his birthday, my kids' birthdays together. We are going to share all the holidays, together with inlaws together as well. I think that is an important reason why they are doing so well. So, I agree with your counselor. The less "our problems" become their problems, the better. If everyone gets along & the kids don't need to choose with whom they will share their important events, etc., that's even better.

I'm sure your kids will be fine.

Hugs to all in need.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Allgood. I told my MIL my plans & she said she understood & agreed it was time I took care of me for a change. Then I went out for a few hours that evening with a new female & had coffee. It felt good to rejoin the human race for a few hours....& no she's only a friend.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

24 hours with no post?

This is an outrage!

Hope all is well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning!

No, I still have no idea if OW will be attending tomorrow. So, yesterday I coloured my hair - no roots showing. I'll be manicuring tonight after my grandson is asleep.
Friday is 'Carson Day' and he's also sleeping over tonight which will keep me busy and not obsessing, I hope.

I don't know how united a couple we'll be as he'll be busy 'hosting' but I intend to discuss it later. I doubt he'll be shunning her... she has sisters who worked there too and it would be pretty obvious if he ignored the whole group. But I plan to be at his side as much as possible.

Grandson will be here soon... love Fridays. It really helps to know LTA is in my corner.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry I have been out of touch. Work has been so busy and I have been a bit down.

I have been reading and following everyone's stories and just haven't been able to find the words to respond.

The pain so many are going through just makes me want to scream. It makes me angry too - life is just too f'ing unfair!!!!! I want to post harsh words about FWSs which I don't really think helps anyone.

So just a few quick comments.

FNF

I am so sorry for your sich. To go through what you have and now and have to face caring for a FWH with Alzheimer's. I don't know how you do it. I don't think I WOULD do it. I think I would jump ship. Awful thought - but I'm trying to be honest with myself.

Sometimes discussing the LTAs with friends IRL they ask why I stay, how I can do it. I often reply by saying as UK has That it suits me and I like him well enough but I usually follow with But now I have my free pass. If I wake up tomorrow and think I don't want to do this anymore I can just leave with a clear conscience and then I think "What sort of R is that?????" I try so hard to be positive about our R but each day is a struggle. I guess it always will be. Not a happy thought!

Tryn

I am beginning to believe that no matter how long, how hard you try to R, the evilness of the betrayal always raises itís ugly head.

Yes it does doesn't it? For me a day/evening can be going fine. Not always great, sometime just fine and then I will trigger and everything goes black again. The worst part is it is usually an ambush. You have no idea it's coming and then it's there. It may be an image, a word, a song. It comes out of nowhere for no good reason. And I think "Why the fuck did that have to happen?" Sometimes I try to brush past it. Sometimes I can.

Does anyone else have "cluster triggers"? You know when you are watching TV, a trigger hits (like infidelity in the story), you push past it and then something else happens - you see something - you push past that and then FWS says something quite innocent which contains a trigger word or phrase and before you know it 5 or 6 triggers have hit in a row. You feel like you are being beaten over the head repeatedly and every time you get back up you get hit again. This is happening too much to me lately and I HATE IT!!!!! And I hate fighting to get past them!!!! I am just running out of energy!

Have to go. Someone on the phone. Will post this bit and be back later.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
2 yrs post day was the hardest year for me...don't know why..it just was...maybe because the HB was over... or maybe because I realized that getting over the infidelity was going to take a long time no matter how remorseful my FWH was...but it was a tough year for me...lots of meltdowns.
It still happens..but not that often and doesn't last nearly as long.
I call it falling down the rabbit hole.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and suol,
Lots of hugs. Suol, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone...haven't had time to catch up on posts. Been having a crazy week, not that I anticipate anything getting better soon. Ugh.

Mom was moved to the rehab unit, and is actually doing well. In process of getting things ready for her to come here. Hoping it's just a temporary transition.

I know it sounds stupid and extremely selfish of me, but I am a little (okay a lot) resentful. I was hoping to have another baby, but now I'm not sure it will even be possible with the care she will need. I can't do both. :(

Having myself a pity party.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:53 AM, November 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{Tribe}}}}}

Took me a long time to catch up. NPD is still here and going home tomorrow. It's been hard since ironically, NPD was on his best behavior and hope was starting to grow in me.
I am so saddened by how much everyone is hurting right now. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Forgive me if I leave someone out, but I definitely am thinking of all of you.

FNF: I am so very, very sorry to hear about your FWH's diagnosis. At this point, do not worry about "doing the right thing" You have been doing it all along. You have been faithful, loyal and loving. But this does not mean you need to give up the rest of your life. You say you do not want to burden the kids, but actually, this is something that can bring the family closer. Your adult kids and you need to discuss what kind of care your WH will need in the future. You ALL need to work together to see about help you can get, home health aides, adult "day care" (my community has this...a senior center that picks people up). And, this may sound weird, but actually you may consider divorcing WH, because then he may qualify for Medicaid without an income. I know you are overwhelmed, but get all the help you can.

WYE: I am so sorry about your mother. She will need help from social workers/therapist to help her deal with her loss, of not just her foot, but her mobility and freedom. I hope that she can do well in physical therapy. Going in a Physical rehab will be good start. Take care of yourself as much as you can, and get help.

Dip: Oh, Dip!! I am so happy you are ok!! Your wonderful sense of humor is a cure all for yourself and everyone. God bless you.

Nell: You seem to be moving ahead well, but I want to give big hugs to you with your decision to D. It is very hard to deal with this. Your boyos will be fine. You are doing the right thing. Keep coming here and vent. This is your home!!

Miracle: YOu do need some time for RandR!! It is sooo very difficult to live with stupidity!!!

Ats: It's been a long hard road for you, but I believe you are coming to a place where you can make a good decision for yourself. Your WW has done a lot of work, but unfortunately I don't know if she'll ever get to a place where she can have true emotional intimacy. I know that you both will continue to be kind to one another and make this transition as smoothly as possible. {{{{{Ats}}}}

M3: I am so happy to hear about Baby Paddy's wonderful progress!!! She's our hero!
You are not the only one here that has been divorced. My first H had an A and it devastated me. It took me a long time to recover, and you are right, one can go on after a D. One can be happy again!

Nofun: Tell us more about what is happening with you. Last you told us that you were having your daughter moving back?

Lost: I will keep you in my prayers with the party. Damn them!! Too much crap goes on that we have to deal with.

Allgood: It's ironic now that you are done, xWH is starting to notice that this is not all fun and games for him anymore. This is serious! and now he wants a date? Be careful here. He does miss you, I'm sure, but is this date just to get a "booty call" because he misses you, and then that is that? Or is he talking about moving toward R?

Laura: Those triggers are horrible. YOu are right, they do ambush you and sometimes it's guerrilla warfare. I'm finding it easier to get up and walk out of the room, and try to regroup. If I can't, then I'll go somewhere quiet and allow myself a couple minutes of tears, and pull myself together and go on. It's too hard to try to fight those sometimes overwhelming feelings. It's exhausting. It really is.

NJgal: Thank you for telling us that you had a hard time at 2 years.
I guess it's perhaps that we feel we should be "over" it by then and to start to be moving on.

But, because it's a LTA, there is so very much to digest. So many years to come to terms with. For me, it's at least 10 with the LTA/marriage and finding out that NPD cheated during our dating and when we were first married too. It's still ongoing.
So, at 2 years, we are just starting to digest all the info, trying to sort it out, placing it in the proper "folders' so to speak. Trying to come to terms with the info, and the erratic feelings. Exhausting work.

Tryn: I understand what you are saying about wanting to be physically intimate with your FWW and how it hurts that she doesn't seem to respond in kind. It is really helpful to me to understand a man's pov.
I know for me, with both my H's is that often if he touched me, or hugged me, I can feel the pressure, or the "lust" and it wasn't just an affectionate gesture. I didn't feel loved for me, but because he wanted sex. I got to a point that I avoided hugs and cuddling (which I LOVE) because then sex was expected and all I wanted at that moment was simple affection and love. KWIM?

Then there were times when the H would be affectionate with a touch as he walked by, holding my hand in the car, cuddling on the couch, that made me feel loved for me, that I felt sexy and wanted sex.
I don't know if I'm making any sense.

UKgirl: I'm glad that you are enjoying your sons' visit. I do understand about not getting too upset about WH!! In a way we feel guilty about not caring that much anymore, but that's the fall out of a LTA.

{{{{{DP and Jollum}}}}

I'm sorry if I missed anyone, my brain is mush.

I told my therapist that although I may not have done anything major outwardly, inwardly, I have made some changes that took a lot of mental and emotional work and was exhausting. It was like someone who broke a leg and couldn't do anything yet, they were still healing, but were planning and thinking and reevaluating. I am hoping my cast comes off soon!


{{{{{tribe}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:51 AM, November 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.. good to hear from ya.

I'm doing a test right now. I am allowing my W to initiate. So far, 7 days and nothing. But since I have a cold, I will not count those days.. who the heck wants to be with someone sick? I try hard not to hint a thing. That's hard for me! Pun intended.

But, she continues to come lay by me, rub my back, etc. She says she the AD is making her change... she loves it has killed her Appetite and wants to lose weight. Her ego has always been about looking good. I guess me too in some ways. That makes her feel good about herself. I just could care less about that anymore. She could be 170 lbs and I would still lover her. She only about 115 or so. It's nuts.

As I think about this stuff... it is more about me, not her.

Oh well, off to have some fun today! Peace out.

You too honest.. so have some fun today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:40 AM, November 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
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Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: Good to hear from you & glad you handled this latest visit well.

He does miss you, I'm sure, but is this date just to get a "booty call" because he misses you

Lol. Ya - I believe it to be more of a booty call. Actually, that's not true. It's more than that, but he doesn't want to really reconcile. Or, maybe he wants to do it his way - go out on a date, have some fun, etc. Do that for a few more months than maybe he will want to move back in. I made it very clear to him that if he was serious about wanting to get back together that was not going to be the starting point. No real follow up from him on that.
Too bad to stay, too good to leave, I suppose is the way he sees it. More than anything, I think, he really, really does not like the idea of another man being anywhere near me. On a very basic level, he's just marking his territory - needs to know I still have some attachment to him, now that that attachment has been threatened.
In recent days it's become known to me that he still hasn't told most people at work that we are separated.

Whatever. I don't give it much thought.

Tryn: I think your plan is a good one. My x was always the one to initiate & when he complained I had always told him he doesnt leave me alone long enough for me to miss/crave sex. If you don't see anything from her next week, I suppose you should consider if is something more than just different needs re frequency.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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