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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: the AD's can have a big effect on the libido. Also, what is also a big effect for a lot of women is how they feel about themselves, body image, etc. I know when I am thinner and more in shape, I feel sexier. When I'm overweight, I don't feel sexy, so, I'm less interested.

Allgood: You hit the nail on the head. Your xWH probably wants to stay connected to you, and would like to rug sweep and have things like before, perhaps, as you said, to move back in, but does not know how or is willing to R the way it needs to be done. You sound good, and I'm glad. I like how you put that the less "our" problems become the kids' problems, the better. It is about how their lives are affected, how much change there is.

Jollum: I hope your WW wakes up and can see that her relationship with Miss Toxic is toxic and will taint her relationship with you. Perhaps this is more about WW feeling you are telling her what to do, and she is being a rebellious teen? Just a thought.

DP: Hang in there. You have been trying so long to stay sane. Is your WW still active in her affair? Focus on you and your kids and take WW out of the equation.

Lost: Good luck with that party tonight. I hope all goes well and your WH steps up to the plate and does the right thing.

As for me, NPD has stayed longer than he has in years. Over a month. The dynamics of the my life and the kids' lives are affected by his presence. I don't mean in a bad way, but it's change and then we have to readjust to his absence. <sigh> It becomes all about him when he is here. At least the kids are standing up to him and letting him know how they feel about certain things. When NPD asked DS13 if he wanted to go to the mall, DS13 answered very calmly and matter of factly, "No thank you, Dad. When we go to the mall, we just go shopping for clothes for you, and that's no fun." God bless DS 13. He is wise beyond his years. He didn't say it angrily, or sarcastically. Just stated the facts. I need to learn from him. He set boundaries without a scene, without arguments.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tribe for all your support! I am nervous despite knowing that most of those attending are long time acquaintances. H & the retiree have both been with the company 40 yrs. The last 'big' party was for their 25 yrs service in '97. OW & siblings were there then so she is aware of our marriage & 3 offspring!
NJ gave me good advice about this evening. I'll read it again and use as my mantra. My H is just back from the set-up so I'll be off now.
Nails are almost dry. Hot curlers are out. Wish me luck!

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will accept that the things he has done have damaged him and damaged you. You will accept the fact that though you may never love him the same way, you will always love him. You will find compassion and kindness in a place that perhaps there shouldn't be. And you will forgive him.

I think WYE said this. The compassion behind it made me cry. I hope I can get there one day.

Today is 1 year since D-Day for me. Despite my resolve not to let it get to me, I have (of course) triggered in a big way. Doing something nice with my DD today so that will be good.

I've been slowly back reading all the posts. There are some incredibly challenging things facing everyone and my heart goes
out to you all.

Just wanted to check in to say, I'm still lurking here and will pop up from time to time if I can be of help.

Hugs to everyone today.


Love Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Ellejay))))

I'm nowhere near an antiversary yet myself, so I can't imagine how you are feeling.

I'm struggling enough with the holidays coming up.

I was reading something that someone wrote in one of the other forums about how terrible it was that Thanksgiving was ruined because it was the weekend of their WS's 2 day long affair. I resisted posting.

Obviously, we are all hurting. All of us have been betrayed by our spouses in unspeakable ways.

For us here, though, it's more. It's all more. My fWH did this for 3 1/2 years. That's 3 1/2 years of every day, every holiday, every anniversary, every birthday being tarnished.

There's so little that escaped harm. Almost nothing, really.

What I'd give for a holiday that wasn't filled with triggers.

Just last year, OW2 and her son spent Thanksgiving with us.

Since then, I've lost my father. My mom has lost her leg. My marriage has fallen apart, thanks in part to OW2. I'm having a hard time finding things to be thankful for, and I'd rather just skip it all together.

Instead, I'll do what I always do....power through it somehow. Put on my happy face and smile even when my heart breaks.

This sucks.

Sorry for rambling...just not looking forward to the next few months at all, they are filled with tainted memories.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 8:24 PM, November 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE - You have the year to end all years I think. You're still staying strong though, still hanging on even if it's by a very thin thread, so be proud of yourself.

I went past my old house yesterday to pick up some mail. OW1 who lived next door is still trying to sell her house. It's been on the market since March this year, mine sold within a month. She of course wants about $100K more than she is likely to get in this current market. That just about says it all regarding the attitude. Thank God I got out of that house when I did. Can you imagine still living next door to that low-life? I've realised that I will probably never get over the double betrayal regarding her even if I move on significantly. Idiot/ deviant stbxh and her have managed to wedge a scar in my heart that might as well have been caused by an axe.

Anyway, onwards and forwards as they say. I just think of how far I've come in the past 12 months and I have to say I feel good about that. You will be in a different place mentally this time next year so hold onto that thought.

Hope your Mum is doing better today. What a bloody year!!

Hugs to you and everyone on LTA.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you....sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and get out, even if it's a little less than what you wanted for the house.

Hope she sits on it a long time. LOL


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... we're home. OW & siblings didn't show up, apparently due to another engagement for her grandson. I am worn out from stressing and think H and I still have a ways to go before he comes close to knowing how the A affects our lives today.

The good news is that it was a terrific party... great to see long time friends and former employees come out to celebrate the retiree! Our kids had good visit with his daughters. Our grandsons played together. A good time was had by all.

Nite tribe. {{{LTA}}} Thanks again for being here in the tribe nobody wishes to be part of!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, November 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lost)))

Glad she didn't show.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostS.. I hope you ended up enjoying the evening.

Allgood... Thanks for the post. The more I try and understand, I think I get it. It's a man and a woman thing. A man reads all the books that have these sexy woman coming on to them, the sex on TV and movies, the internet crap... It's all just some women wearing a mask for show, and when the mask comes off, normal feelings are normal feelings. I'm sure everyone is different.

Honest, She is taking Wellbutrin and started with some headaches but seems to be doing ok. No side effect on that was listed.

Thanks guys and have a great day.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost soul- Yay! Happy to hear that you had a good time and the OW (and family) was no where to be seen!
It may have been due to other committments but I strongly suspect she was staying away due to her embarassment, fear of you, fear of confrontation etc.
Good! she should stay away....far away...

WYE- So sorry for all that you are going through.
It does sound as if your FWH is being a good support for you.

Honest- It sounds like you survived the visit from the NPD and that your DS are beginning to see him for what he is.
he truly is a part time dad...this is not a quality parenting situation in any way.
Everyone suffers...you, your boys, even the OW and the OC...the only one that benefits from this set up is Mr. NPD. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to feel like he is all that!
Yuck...
But..you got through the visit and you sound strong.

Tryin-
You are so right about the images out there.
They were all created by men for men. Its a fantasy.

Porn is a great example of this...so much of it was created by some producer trying to figure out ways to titilate men and make money off of them...so...voila..they come up with these bizarre deviant situations...that make it look like all women are interested and turned on by these behaviors...
when in reality...women do not respond that way at all.

And ...IMHO porn does great damage to marriages... it creates this expectation on the part of men that is not real.
For example...there is never any porn that depicts hot sex within a marriage! never! you can't find it.

The scenario is always the same... its something unexpected... secret... and way out....always with strangers..

the man is in the doctor's office waiting for his appt. and the nurse (who has never seen him before in her life) suddenly decides that she wants him...she rips off her clothes and has sex with this patient in the waiting room....
etc. etc,
women do not think that way....
but for the average married man this puts a thought in his head that sex has to be like this.. that women do behave this way and if his wife is not reacting in such a way then there is something lacking.

In my FWH's case the MOW really put on a porn show...she did it all.. and it was explicitly described in her emails...

From talking to her now ex husband I know she did not have this type of sex life with him.

Why? because that was reality.

In the affairs she knew she had to act a certain way to entice these men to have affairs to begin with and then to keep their interest.

They had nothing else in common.
They did not share a history, home life, children, etc.
all they had was this affair bubble... so it had to be this fantasy behavior that would be embarassing in real life...

if my FWH's OW is out there in the dating world now I guarantee that her sex life with the men she is dating is nothing like it was during the illicit affair because a real dating relationship is different as well...it is multi faceted...

oh well.. I'm rambling here.

All that being said..I do believe that a good sex life is necessary in a marriage.

Hopefully, the two of you will find a good balance.
Have you been away together lately? for a romantic getaway? a B&B etc.?
maybe that would help? being away from your everyday lives?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suol,
I'm so glad that OW and her posse had a previous engagement. I hope you had a good time.

tryn,
Seriously, your FWW has got to get over herself. The whole superior "it has to feeeeel spooontaaaanteeeooouuuusssss" crap is on my last nerve.

njgal,
On the other hand...

if his wife is not reacting in such a way then there is something lacking

... said Nell, looking pointedly at Mr. STBXNell. I dunno... I think there needs to be a middle ground. tryn has told his FWW what he needs, and he has waited for her to get over her bad self to give herself to him. To which she eats crackers and tries to whistle. She is just as responsible for meeting HIS needs as he is responsible for meeting HER needs. He's not asking her for anything outrageous; he's asking her to INITIATE. It is not that difficult. BTDT.

Meanwhile, Mr. STBXNell is starting to come to an understanding that this D process is not some sort of manipulation on my part; I'm done and I mean it. Other than giving him empathy, I've given him to reason to think that he has a shot in hell for saving this M, and he might be starting to believe it. He has an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Should be a fun Monday evening.

XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell- I agree with you about Tryin's sitch.

he's Tryin hard...so should she...especially given the circumstances.

dealing with the fallout from a LTA does a number on your self esteem.

A lukewarm response from the WS is not what a BS needs! We need extreme remorse and extreme affection etc. to help make up for the damage.

Sounds like Mr. Nell is getting a dose of reality.
Do you think he will agree to mediation as opposed to the two of paying for divorce lawyers? It is much less of a battle and often saves tons of money.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think he will agree to mediation as opposed to the two of paying for divorce lawyers? It is much less of a battle and often saves tons of money.

Yes, it's what he wants. But I want him to get his own lawyer because (A) I want a good settlement and (B) I don't want 17 years of "I shoulda gotten a lawyer 'cuz you screwed me" coming from him. So the plan is to each get our own lawyers to review the stuff he agree to in mediation. More expensive, but probably less problematic long-term.

Reality. It sucks.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tryn. I did enjoy the evening although the occasion was overshadowed by stress on my part. It's been a long week with him out of town most days - only home for a couple hours before falling asleep for the night. And me waiting to hear about RSVPs!

TMI Warning! This time of year is always difficult as it is when the online activity/gaslighting started. It's also the start of his busy season at work. One problem is that ED has lived with us for over 10 yrs. H has always been secretive about this, not even letting me know about his Dr. visits before getting the prescription, as well as not wanting me to know when he's taking the pill... sometimes taking it and acting 'frisky' then falling asleep as soon as we get to bed so I am reluctant to initiate and us both be frustrated if he hasn't taken it (hope that's not too confusing). I also know that during the A he got 'worked up' online with her then came to my bed with non-satisfactory results. For me it has become hard to read his signals. Then there's the mind movies despite his claiming their was no PA...

You will accept that the things he has done have damaged him and damaged you. You will accept the fact that though you may never love him the same way, you will always love him. You will find compassion and kindness in a place that perhaps there shouldn't be. And you will forgive him.

Like EllelJay, I hope I can get there someday. I thought I had forgiven him a few months after Dday but then he relapsed with a new secret email account and I discovered a whole new side of him that is hard to overlook. How does someone change to such an extreme after 30 yrs? I still struggle with this question!

LS... time for dinner prep.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Advice from a Facebook share...
Possess a great attitude!
When you wake up each morning, choose to be upbeat and positive, as this helps to set the tone for the day. Life is one giant possibility, so why not embrace it with an open and willing attitude to try new things and take risks. You only have one lifetime, and there is no point in wallowing in negativity. Make a conscious choice to enjoy a happy and successful life.

Donít Forget to Smile
A smile is critical and often overlooked. Find something to be thankful for each day and put a smile on your face. This will win allies and attract friends. A smile is the most inviting of all gestures. If you smile on the outside, your insides will follow suit. Practice your smile each day in front of the mirror when brushing your teeth, and in no time you will have a perfect, authentic smile.

If only I could stamp this on my brain...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost soul- good advice. especially now that we are getting close to Thanksgiving...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol

That is great advice. I do believe it has to be conscious decision for me at this stage because the last 12 months have just been a flatline for me. It has to start somewhere though because no-one else is going to wave a magic wand to put a smile back on my face.

njgal

I agree about the Porn thing absolutely. My stbxh was on porn sites a lot of the time, I really do believe it gave a unrealistic expectation on what he expected from his own performance and from me. The emails I found between him and all the OWs was all about filming themselves, threesomes, vouyerism etc. You are right, I bet these women weren't performing like that in the bedroom within their own marriages. Also, I think it is more than just fantasy for some people. It is a total lack of respect in general particuarly towards women.

Hope you are all enjoying the preparation for Thanksgiving. We don't have that in Australia as a custom anyway.

Happy days everyone.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost: Ah, the magic pill. NPD was taking it on and off, and I discovered it was when he started with OW. Tried Cialis, too I think.
The LTA has such a long history, (for me 8-10 years and counting) that there is so much to reconcile within my mind. The asshat has the gall to blame me for his deficiencies!!!! He took the pills for OW, and then blamed ME for not being "tight enough" down there (sorry, TMI). But then he had heart problems and once he started to take meds, lo and behold because of better circulation, he was, ah.... better....

and yet I was blamed. Still am, I'm too "loose"

Which brings me to the subject of porn, as Ellejay and NJgirl brought up. NPD made fun of me that I didn't want to watch porn. Acted as though something was wrong with me. I tried to tell him that it didn't interest me to see naked women.... I mean, porn is geared toward a man's fantasy, so why would I be interested?
I agree, that porn might make some men think that is the way it should be, just like the pics of the super skinny models have an impact on teens that think they are too fat. KWIM?

I am realizing that me wanting to have sex is more about ME feeling sexy and wanted for ME, and not about the physical act. Also, I realized for so long, perhaps because of Codependency issues, that I had to "perform" make NPD happy, make him feel good, focusing only on him, that I didn't really enjoy it myself. Sorry, I think I'm rambling.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and a big thing I am thankful for is the tribe here on LTA. Thank you for everything!! I love you guys.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

I can hardly contain my rage regarding your H's comment. I'm assuming you've had children. Let's see how his nether regions would be if he'd pushed a giant melon out of his arse!! Sorry, I know this thread is not about ranting but really!!

Seriously, if you feel this is a problem then you can resort to surgery but quite frankly why should you at this stage until FWH learns a few manners in the bedroom? How would he like it if you said he wasn't "hard" enough or "big" enough or his bum wasn't as firm as it used to be.

That's great for your self-esteem isn't it? Take no notice. You are a lovely, sexy, woman with great charm and intelligence.

Grrrrrr. Let me at him.......


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ellejay -- it's not a real problem, it's typical NPD crap. I got the same thing from my WH -- only he said it to his Dad in front of the whole family while I was cooking dinner. They're just blatantly hurtful. Sneak attacks like that are a favorite -- comments like that tend to come completely out of context with them.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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